RedBeardRaven

On page 8-9 there is a term "Gem-Rail" and a station but there is no description of the place at all. This through me out of the story completely as I originally thought this was a typical medieval/fantasy setting. Now there seems to be some sort of train/monorail/subway system. This after her and Barryl just "stormed" a castle/fortress.

That was while reading. Which is in part what Cynic said. Just to reiterate. It felt that you should presume that trains/monorails are in this world with wizards/dragons/elves/demi-gods and the like. I feel that should have been eased into with a description or a light telling of the differences between nations/cities and the like.

One thing that caught me off-guard was with Aerill in the beginning. It was that her stomach lurched as her father picked apart the dragon and she fought back a flinch at the crushing of dragon bones. Then she has a reminiscent memory of hunting and her heart pounding the blood of her fresh kill. It seemed good but completely faltering the earlier characterization. I do like that you make Aerill out to be a more robust girl instead of the pencil thin seductress that follows in most fantasies.

Cynic, when I read that Barryl took Aerill into storming the castle it was meant to be in as much secret as possible. I might be wrong in it, but I felt it was implied since she was telling him which parts of the fortress was the least lit that he was going for secrecy and for an "all seeing eye" to shadow their path. Also, I felt that she would be a good scapegoat if things went wrong (which they did).

I liked a lot of the ideas in this short story and I think it read well (besides the out of order sequences that jars the reader out of story).

I feel that the best way to make this work as a short story is to shorten the non important sequences (to the overarching plot) into short...SHORT flashbacks so that you are telling the tale of Aerill falling from being a nobel to becoming a goddess in training to her ascension to her demise (or was it!? BUM BUM BUM). (also I would suggest keeping the talk between Barryl and the elf warrior in there but from Aerill's perspective)

I would, however, HIGHLY recommend making this into a novella and do it for NANOWRIMO and getting it done and out of your head so you can then work the kinks out and sell it.

I was able to sneak a few minutes away during lunch to read this chapter. I really liked this chapter with one exception. This felt like an introduction to the main crew/group that we will probably follow for the rest of the story. The main thing that kept me reading (without much effort on my part) was learning more about the replicants and the crew that joins Akari and Kyle. I thinking adding a little conversation between her and Kyle or the crew about their mission would would make this chapter have more depth for the story. Though, I would understand if you were wanting to keep that secret until a later chapter though.

I like how the chapter ends. Nice and witty.

Still, nice work.

Good luck and have on your trip Asmodemon!

I would like to submit something on Monday/Tuesday but it's about 6000 words. If that is okay. If not then I can probably split it into two sections. Whichever choice works for me.

Alright, I am finished with this and I didn't really have much of an issue beyond what was already said here.

I went into this wondering why we went from Dias to Black Rose, though. Especially, for how much time Rosalin got in the very beginning.

I did understand what was going on (basically) as I read the Prologue. I would suggest changing the prologue into being the first chapter or reworking this chapter into introducing Black Rose again. I got that the advancing forces from the first chapter (with Rosen) were finally breaking into her tomb/chamber and getting her out.

The only thing that I am most curious about is how she was able to talk like she did when she, herself, was completely confused. The other is what the Isril'Iner is.

I do want to say that the voice that you had in Chapter 1 seems to be missing throughout. What I mean by this is how you describe things or the words forming the world in the first chapter compared with the rest does not feel consistent. To give an example, if you read George R. R. Martin you will see that he is using words primarily used in medieval times as that is his setting. I could immerse myself that much more because the tone is fluid with the story telling. In the first chapter I felt like it was a Conan-esque/Barbaric time when reading from Rosen's point of view. The rest felt generic and less so.

Just wanting to give my thoughts on that. Still, this has been enjoyable to read so keep it coming!

Cynic pointed out the majority of issues that I had.

I will go ahead and say that I typically don't like the formatting of a few chapters with one POV character followed by another. I do like the 1 pov to a different pov to a different pov. Keeping the point of view 1 off every time, for me, keeps the questions and tension high without feeling like it is dragging on.

Personally, I could see why a street urchin who recently lost their parent (maybe or maybe not dead) would want to follow someone that had some sort of connection with the incident. I take it that Dias is young by the descriptions and the uncertainty of where his father is and fear if he lost him. Also the description from the beginning marking one of the attackers a few years older than Dias as an adolescent. That query didn't bother me so much.

I liked the concept of the city, although there is a lot that I am unclear on. Are there people living in those buildings or is it a ghost town. Save for the people living on the streets?

I am curious of how this character will fit in with the plot that you are setting up with Rosen/Rosalin.

With this chapter one of my biggest problems was that concerning the merging. With an overall look I remember Rosen sitting down into a mediated state, followed by bulldozing into Rosalin's town, followed by evaporating after Rosalin gets some of his blood in her mouth and merging with him. She then runs out of the town and finds herself face to face with a Chittin (I believe) and then she screams and then everything is "cut off". A part of me wants to believe that there were two Rosen's physically at that time and then they merged once she tastes his blood. Then at the end she dies by the hand of the Chittin, which isn't too clear, but it also isn't too vague. So I jump into this chapter expecting her to be close to her own home town only to find out that is not the case. This confused me for the beginning part of this chapter.

I like the concept of Rosalin and Rosen being in one body with her in control. Especially with this feeling rather epic in scope. The only real qualm I have with this is that Her name is Roaslin and his is Rosen. It could get really confusing during inner conversations/conflicts down the road. Which happened a little during this conflict. I paid attention but it took a lot of attention to follow the conversations correctly which threw me out of the immersion.

I also like that Amaryllis was so ready to kill Rosen when his guard was down. That keeps an hovering tension in the air that I expect in the future.

I agree with Cynic that this chapter ended a little too early into the conflict. Might want to take it another paragraph further just to show what the "soldiers" are wanting before ending the chapter.

I was going to point out the same things that Cynic did. The majority of those issues were keeping me at arms length for this chapter.

I don't really have anything to critique beyond the grammatical. Good job on keeping the tension high but not bludgeoning us with descriptions on every action.

Well, this chapter seemed really out of place for me. I also read the Prologue and Chapter 1 prior to reading this and the overall picture throws you out of the story. The other thing that got to me was the amount of description in this chapter. A lot of it felt like filler for the chapter. What I feel this chapter missed, as what writing excuses likes to emphasize, is the lack of conflict. There was nothing that was really interesting about any of this beyond introduction to Rosalin and setting up the location. If you added the tremor to be the conflict then it is immediately side stepped by the character's reaction to it.

I did feel like I got to know Rosalin, but I didn't feel any connection to her. Something that might help with this is adding a conversation with her sister about something in the past or an event coming up. It might also help to add a quip about the tremor, even if it is something nonchalant in this world.

The main thing that intrigued me was the Chittins and their connection with the black roses. (I also figure the black roses are connected with the Black Rose herself. If you were trying to keep that subtle or not, it's an easy connection to make. Just an FYI.)

I will be looking forward to the next chapter.

Per his wiki and a blog entry from Goodreads.com the release date is between Spring and Fall. The wiki sets a primer date of July 2012.

Hmm. I enjoyed this chapter and the prologue as well. I will say that there seems to be a pretty steep learning curve for this so far. I suppose you have to sacrifice info with action/interest at times so that is fine. The first paragraph of the first chapter is really odd. I would flip it on it's head. Start with the sentence beginning with "Rosen grinned" and include his thoughts behind that as well. (I too was thrown off by the underlined thoughts.) This gives the reader an immediate understanding of character, setting, and mood.

The sentence beginning with "Like streaks of blood" caught me off guard. There are two "like" descriptions in this one sentence which made me read it a couple of times. I would like to suggest something like the following to make it flow a bit better "Like streaks of blood his crimson hair fluttered in front of his eyes while the rest of his mane whipped behind him. Much like his long red overcoat." (Please don't take this as me re-writing your story, I just wanted to give an example)

One overall thing that I was confused about was if he was defending the tower or was he trying to escape as Amaryllis appeared to be?

The attack by Orchid felt lackluster. Ultimately, he thought about their previous fight, got caught in her darkness (apparently for a second time), got stabbed, then jumped for escape. This also raised the question of what the uber spear could/would do for him beyond being his light in the dark? A part of this, I suppose, could be answered if he was attempting escape.

The slight banter between Rosen and Amaryllis was nice. It was actually really good for character development in a first chapter. Nicely done.

The other thing that I think you have a firm grasp on is voice. For this story I clearly felt in a fantasy setting.

I would ditto that this would need a strong follow up chapter to this to grab a hold of the book browser in the store.

Ah, well, I suppose I will explain the piece but not defend it as the writing obviously couldn't get it across, sadly.

The premise is that he is a bad father to his two girls and is abusive. His wife has the kids taken for their protection and she is attempting to keep their marriage progressive. Which is why she is there having dinner with him. David is a self centered fool that has his pipe dream of becoming the next best fantasy author. Which is why his story is so grand to him but so generic to us. He does have a flash back to one of the times when he realizes what kind of father he has become by the reaction that his daughters have toward his presence. In the end he discovers a magic that is real and is fueled by his emotions. When he hears Margaret enter the apartment he rushes to explain and try to "fix" everything by showing her his "golden ticket" to a better future. Although, he hasn't truly learned the magic and doesn't understand it (as we wouldn't understand magic if we didn't have a mentor to guide is slowly through the process) he ends up feeding the wrong emotions through magic and winds up killing her. (The magic does not effect the caster.)

P.S. Margaret is not pregnant, that was just the apron. Haha, I should have stuck with "Kiss the Chef" apron...

I understand I could have explained a lot of things much better to get all of this across. But that is what this reading group is for. I need an extra set of eyes on my work to show me my failings.

Thanks guys.

Thanks for the feed back! I am glad some things came through but disappointed that others fell flat.

It's all a learning experience. (And for Science!)

Thanks again guys!

This is a short story that I typed up after getting the idea. I partially wanted to go further with this idea and this could potentially be a narrow view of the whole story. Contains Language and Mild Gore.

[Edit] Changing the title of this thread.

I just read this chapter and I have just a few things that I have to say.

There was a lot of "something like" or "looks like" when describing the different races. I feel that if you are trying to draw the reader in you want to describe these "people" through the eyes of your pov character. A way to do this, I believe, is to have the figures "remind" Kyle of something when looking at the creatures. I would also cut down a little on describing the amount of differences for each creature. It wasn't really progressing the story but more so giving me the understanding of the multitude of races that could be involved in between these "dimensions".

What I did like was the epigraph. The epigraph draws me in to getting to the next chapter to find out who that person is that was 'born' the same day as Kyle. It is a real good hook.

Hey Asmodemon, would mind sending me the first 5 chapters to this story as well? I don't like to give an opinion from being thrown into the middle of a story. I wouldn't want to give a confused critique unless it was justifiable.

I was wondering if there was an open spot for me to submit a very short story that I made. Any open slots for me?

Hmm, well I just finished reading this second part. A part of me lost interest in reading this chapter. I believe a part of it was the long decent, but I accept that as he was falling into a new "dimension" or however it is going to be explained. It was a way for the description to come through. My problem with this was that the narrator couldn't tell what things looked like. There is a lot of "seems like" "looks like" and a bunch of "something"s going on. The picture being painted for me is essentially giving me shapes or colors and letting me do the rest. That makes my mental image of everything fall on it's face.

I also noticed that there was a confusion in tense in a few points. Below is a quote from there as this sentence does not sit right with me.

"He had felt himself ceasing to exist, and a part of him—the very thing that made him him—had to sit by and watch."

I think this should be read more like "He felt himself cease to exist, and the part of him-the thing that made him who he was-had to sit by and watch."

(I took out the second "him" because if you have the same word listed twice it doesn't feel right to me. I feel that I could change the wording to get my point across better. This could just be me.)

For this chapter my main issue is with it leaving so early. We just landed and get such a short understanding of what is going on that I am left frustrated at the closing. The other issue is that the whole chapter revolves around him, basically, having a bad trip. Jimbo even says it a couple of times in the chapter. I am not certain if this is intentional or not, but I tried to take it as a connection point with Jimbo. I just couldn't do it because I was having to enforce the connection and not innately having the connection through reading.

Sorry if I tore this to shreds. I don't mean harm. I mean well!!!

I just finished this and although I liked the first chapter with an exception. Before I continue I just want to say that I do not want to offend at all. I am just explaining what I felt while I was reading this.

It was fast. It felt a little too fast for one chapter. I honestly felt like I was reading a screenplay for a movie. Beyond nit picky grammar things (which I am no professor on anyway) and word choices I felt that the scene with Jimbo was forced. He saw the monster and instantly attacked with only a glimpse of what it could have been. Unless he is always the type of guy to shoot first and ask questions later (in which I wouldn't know since the character was just introduced) then this action felt out of place. Another thing that kinda shocked me was how Jimbo described Kyle and then coming to the realization that Kyle is his cousin. I am not certain if that was intentional or not, but it took me off guard for a moment.

All in all I agree that this beginning felt somewhat cliche with the characters given. I also feel the same way that I wanted to continue through to find out more. You have the ability to capture the inquisitive mind. I will get to reading the next chapter tomorrow.

I enjoyed it and I cannot wait to find out more about Akari and that side of this story.

Thanks for sharing!

It's no problem. I wasn't sure if I was missing something. Glad it's worked out now though!

Thanks Cynic! I got your email this morning and I am going to start reading it soon.

Hey guys. I was wondering if any email(s) were sent out yet. I might have something to send out if we send it out by the end of day today. If that is the deadline than I can wait until next week. I also am curious to read some of the other stories that are being discussed. Thanks guys!

Do you have any specific language in mind for the names in your book?

I like the word Viscera or Pith.

I have listened from Seasons 1 Episode 1 to Seasons 3 Episode 5 within a weeks time. I think the most notable thing that I have learned so far has come from the last episode of Season 2. In that episode the point that was being steamrolled over my brain is to write. They reflect on everything that had been discussed in all of Season 2 and in light of someone they call Nameless who was having difficulty putting mind to page.

The best part of this was when Dan (if I remember correctly) asked of the listeners to realize something. He said to make the distinction between wanting to become a writer and wanting to complete the epic book. This opened my eyes and has me forgoing listening to Writing Excuses hour on end. I do have an epic story that I want to tell, but I want to tell it to the best of my ability. This means that I need to forgo creating and obsessing over this world to write in multitude of anything and everything. I need to dip my pen in the well and perfect my craft before making my masterpiece ready for the public. I need to write novels, novellas, short stories, and possibly even writing in different genres to understand what kind of writer I am and what style I am most comfortable with.

Thanks Brandon, Howard, and Dan.

(I haven't listened to much of Mary, but I am sure that I will be thanking you in the near future too!)

Hey guys, I have been looking for something like this, more close nit and tight group when it comes to reading/writing/critiquing everyone's work. I tried going to the email list thread but apparently that was from the forums that got hacked. Is there another way to get onto the list or join the group?