Verdance

These days, I look in the mirror and find myself a man of lies.

I must apologize in advance, I am feeling seriously depressed right now and that is making me dramatic and eloquent; I feel like taking this seriously. At some point I was always going to have to make this decision, and it's not one that I am enjoying making, but I don't really have a choice.

This was going to happen eventually. I am terrible at keeping secrets. Some of you may be aware I have some very loving, very conservative, very controlling parents. I have simultaneously defended and complained about them many, many times, but in the end, they love me very much and want what's best for me. Well, they have discovered this 17thShard account that I have, and they do not like it.  I cannot say that everything I have said on here is true. I have time and time again expressed opinions on religion, gender and sexuality, mental health, and other topics, and I can't really say that all of it is true. At my core, I lie through my teeth, supporting things I do not truly support, condemning things that I do not condemn, because if I don't, I won't have any friends. You all would dismiss me as hateful and ignorant and never speak to me again, because in some ways I am. I certainly don't hate any of you. I really can't believe that all of this is just some mental illness or something like that. Regardless, I can't keep pretending to support it in any capacity.

2 Peter 2:4-10 mentions a person from Genesis, Lot, who lived in the city of Sodom, an ancient city legendary for its degeneracy and violence. Lot was a follower of God who lived among these people, even becoming an arbiter or judge among them. In Genesis 18, Abraham barters with God, who is planning to destroy the city for its sin. After some time, God agrees that if ten righteous men can be found in Sodom, the city would be spared. Immediately after, the account cuts to Lot. Two male angels have been sent to his house to warn him about the coming destruction. Lot asks them to stay the night in his house for safety, but they refuse, accepting his food and sleeping in the courtyard. Later that night, a mob arrives at Lot's house. Their intentions towards the angels, or strangers, are not pure. Lot literally is in the process of bargaining away his daughters to the mob, but the angels blind the mob, and everyone escapes. 2nd Peter mentions what Lot was feeling: he was greatly distressed, because he loved all the people around him and yet wanted nothing to do with them. You all are not Sodom. But I certainly feel like Lot.

I cannot continue existing here on the Shard. Feel free to ban me or wipe my account, I can't say I won't care, it will hurt a lot. But I have already made this decision. 

After my father specifically violated my privacy, going through my posts, he was immediately shocked at what he saw. Lies. Beautiful lies, from a lonely little boy clinging desperately to some sort of friendship. Very, very convincingly. I cannot justify his anger. I am only glad he held his temper back physically, which he has not done in the past. He is watching, reading through everything I have said, joking or serious, lies or truth, and I'm about essentially stand trial for it. I would like to reiterate that I am 18 years old and would like to be allowed to make my own decisions, but I also would like to have a house and a bed and food and water, and it has been made very clear that enjoying those privileges is not compatible with any form of disobedience. 

Maybe I really am a hateful monster. I lie to everyone around me, just to cling to them and get something from them. Even when I try to show love, it's almost another form of manipulation. Are we all manipulating each other? On my way to the library where I am typing this, I passed a mother bird protecting her eggs, sitting a short ways away from the railroad track I was using to travel. I stopped, and watched as any time I drew nearby, she would puff herself up and screech at me. It took me a minute to register that I was the threat. I was the looming, dangerous monster who had not thirty seconds ago been screeching harsh lyrics in the woods at the top of my lungs. Why wouldn't she be wary around me? Everything I touch turns water into blood, I don't look away when the bough breaks, I don't really love, I just hate being alone. I am so very happy my parents have taken away my autonomy, my agency, my knives, so I can't hurt myself. And I hate it all the same. 

And when I return to some form of logical sanity, I just remember how self centered I am. It's not about me. I'm in this love hate relationship with absolutely everything in my life. And when it comes time to decide between the two, I will become the villain to you all. My parents will still see me as deceptive, hateful, cowardly, rebellious, and godless. You all will see me as nothing more than a hateful bigot.

There's nothing I really can do to change all this; again, I need a place to live. And in truth, I don't support anything LGBTQ. I really can't say that I believe everything the Bible teaches and say "happy pride month" in the same sentence. A fountain cannot spout both fresh and salt water. That doesn't mean I see any of you any less, if anything, right now I am the worst person on the planet in my own eyes. None of my scant morality, precious philosophy, or arrogant theology means anything without my faith. I cannot continue straddling a line, I have to choose between one or the other- and when my life is completely meaningless without Christ, I will choose Christ. 

No matter what any of you think of me, I still love you all, I still respect you all, I still appreciate you all. This is goodbye. Whether something I have said here violates Shard rules or not, I will not be returning. Thank you all so much for these few months. I sincerely wish you all the best.

- Noah.

Perhaps join BlackWeb RP?

Join BlackWeb RP? 

So, I kind of dismissed MCR as some sort of cringy emo boy band

but after Wendigoon’s video on the Black Parade showed up, I decided to give them a chance. Certainly they are quite raw and sketchy, even for me, but I can overall say my experience has been positive 

I will very likely take a few songs for the bloated chimera that is my playlist, after a few more listens to the album to get my mouth around it. Maybe once it gets to digestion, I will like them more or less, but for now I definitely enjoy this album and see why people rave about it 

Have you read the Unwind series by Neal Shusterman? Aside from being philosophically rich, it’s completely bizarre and unsettling, and also has a funny character name I think you might appreciate. Check it out if you get the chance.

Wait a second

have your pronouns always been he/they

coolio

Im a Shardbearer!!!

*aquires Shardquill*

What is the story behind the new background?

so silly

so cute

but i dont understand

also i seem more weird right now i am overcompensating for stress tbf everyone in the house is yelling but me

*it is loud here*
meep

introvertedness go brrrr

I have systematically gone through that one metalcore album i mentioned and found this one song which is my favorite 

You don’t have to listen cause some harsh but also some acoustic bits and electronic bits- tell me what you think?

https://open.spotify.com/track/3ge8uPcxzl7RkGhsWccfjv?rowId=59b95f56b8ad607f&si=PKwial1RS0WY03HGss8_2g 

We makin metal mask out of this…

going to be like a chain link veil with a sort of circlet at the top and possibly feathers 

Will post an SU with a drawing tmrw

I have posted as many times as there are years since christ’s birth 

Fun fact its actually about four to seven years too old as the calendar was miscalculated by someone named after the greek god of wine

also the most recent blog post is actually a massive project so its going to take a while but twill be worth it and very cool

and i havent forgotten about OSV, Coder has

@Through The Living Star @Gluppert@Through The Living Grub @Ink and Embers@Through the Living Shadow @DcD25yhtdA8

*rubs hands together in gremlin glee*
 

we got discord working on my phone

authenticator app has the perfect vpn browser that nothing can touch

slightly glitched, cannot VC on my phone, but I am more active

Hello peak

where have you been all my life

quick update about Discord-

I am taking that username down as it is no longer accessible to me

I added MFA to that account and somehow the MFA codes on my phone no longer function for that account

like they were wiped from the account on my phone and I can no longer use that authenticator app to log in to my Discord account

so i guess im making a new one? eventually?

sorry @Denissimo, i tried

I’m realizing my guitar isn’t very good and that’s holding me back quite a bit. Regardless, I’m progressing. These are some chord progressions that I can’t find a use for.
Nomu is almost finished. Still scuffed but very fun and definitely the hardest song i know so far. Will record soon.

dont ask about my singing it’s not good enough and would be revealing too much

Okay, so, metal 

I recently discovered this self titled album from an artist named Groundbreaking 

its some of the most metal I’ve listened to and enjoyed, incorporating more screams of both fry and the occasional false cord, and the metal parts are very often accompanied with electronic music. Not dubstep or synth, i forget what its called

also has a lot of good selah moments, stuff i hear a lot of in Sleep Token but not really anywhere else. Its not full throttle the entire album, but gives way to soft pad and vocals or acoustic guitar and silence in a few parts. 
 

tell me what you think!

We’re going to try and record this on acoustic guitar 

wish me luck 

Quote

"But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner who needed it most?"

What is this from?

i am very interested in discussing this 

Hey Grub, are you going to get a profile banner?

Beaten Subnautica 2 to this point in early access. 30 hours and three and a half bases. Collector Leviathan has become less like a kraken from the depths and more like the ex girlfriend i didn’t know i had. 

yall should play this game, its only $30 right now and incredibly worth it

What do you call phobia or trauma of aprons or scrubbing chocolate off floors

Wait why is Subnautica 2 so peak?

I’ve been slightly absent today but that’s because this game is ridiculously fun 

We did it!!!

Also what the heck

stop being nice to me 

i have like 730 rep or something that i dont deserve