LerroyJenkins

@Mandamon A lot of good tips, and thanks for the grammar catches! I'll try and spice up the first few paragraphs. @Stormweasel Thanks for the critique! You have a great point, I definitely got lazy with the descriptions and started telling instead of showing. Brilliant suggestion, thanks! Thank you guys for great critiques! Keep it up!

@Arthur Dent There will be more about the Empire in later books, so I will go back and clear up the description about the judges! @Sprouts Chapter 1 I'm glad you liked Tolero and Ferox as characters! as for why the chapter felt like you should already know the setting, that's probably because this wasn't how I had originally Introduced Rixa. While I was altering it I must have left out some info, I'll fix it when I revise. Chapter 2 I plan to Change the opening to Eve having a hallucination or nightmare. Chapter 3 I'm going to trim down the number of new terms when I edit. Glad you liked the chapters!

This is the third submission of Fractured. There is a summary of what you need to know in my email. Ok! This is around 2000 words so its real quick. Bring on the critiques, and be harsh! If you want the earlier chapters just pm me and I'll email them to you.

I have a really short bit I can submit today, if that's ok.

Lots of great critiques here, you guys never disappoint! @Mandamon: Good to hear that I fixed my setting, and I'm glad the characters seemed natural. As for pacing, the whole chapter with Ferox used to be an encyclopedia and I probably over corrected a bit... or a lot. As for the Apex and Caecus thing, I don't want to give away too much, but I think I'm going to go ahead and explain what they are in that chapter instead of leaving you in the dark anyway so: Look up Caecus again, there are 20+ definitions and if you read them all it'll be a better hint as to what they are. With Eve's chapter; I'm glad Eve was memorable! Now for the three words you didn't know: "Sapient": I thought I used this too much in the prologue, but maybe I should use it a few more times. A Sapient is a citizen of the Sapient Empire, and being a communist society, information is tightly controlled. Which is why Sapients come across as a little ignorant when it comes to important info like Frays. I'll make those facts more prominent, thanks for pointing it out! "Mark of Ascension" is what Eve has, marking her a "Fray". Haha, for now that is all you need to know. I think that it is enough to tide the readers over just knowing that she is different now. Hopefully I'll have my next submission ready by the 29th, that'll help shed light on all the things I'm leaving hidden. @Sormweasel: I wanted to show that in real life, a fight wouldn't go on for 20min. That being said, I think I could very well have gone a bit overboard with this, so if at least one other person sees it as a problem I'll go in and flesh it out. Good point with Aurelia saying "At least you don’t have to worry about getting chosen.”, I'll make it more clear that she was muttering to herself. For most people in the academy being chosen for a cohort is a big worrisome concern, but Brutes have a huge advantage in just their born strength. It's a great idea to use the morning after the party to describe the other students, I'll definitely do that. But I'm going to leave Tolero's rant and Aurelia's reaction the way it is, Tolero isn't violent so he wouldn't slam his hand down, and I don't want him coming across as mean so him scowling would paint him in a way I wouldn't like. And saying Aurelia was red faced with embarrassment is the most expedient way to show she was effected but not angry. I'm a fan of spartan descriptions during dialogue. You're so right about Priscus. I hadn't even noticed how much he bounces from being gruff, to caring, to gruff again. I think I'm trying to make him come across as having a big bark but actually be a nice guy, but it just comes off as confusing, thanks for calling it out! @Arthur Dent Haha, it's true that Eve being one eyed would be a standout trait, I need her to have both for when she wakes up. I'll make sure I fix the terminology problems, She is in the Empire and is assuming siege is coming from Federation troops. And the Judges aren't really high enough up the government ladder to be exempted from the law, that more of the Enforcers and up (none of this really matters tho because the Empire becomes a distant entity for the rest of the book). Alright, so I'm starting to get the feeling that I went too far in streamlining the first chapter? Originally I had the reader sit through a history lecture by Priscus, who was an instructor at the academy in that alternate plot. But I realized that it came out like a text book, so I changed it. So now I think I'll throw in some conversations to explain; the political state of the world, origins of Brutes, and I'll address what Apexes and Caecus are as well just for the heck of it. -Any sugestions on how to clear up what my genre is? ​ -Ferox is a more interesting character, but when I streamlined the chapter I accidentally made him an empty character. -I'll definitely elaborate on Eve's culture shock, I really enjoyed writing that part. You guys had some really great critiques, I'm glad that you all seemed to enjoy it! keep up the great work!

I'll try and be harsh, but it will be hard because I really enjoyed this a lot. I like the opening. In fact, if you dig through the posts and find my prologue, it is very similar. But I am rewriting mine to be totally different. The wayward thief being saved from a cruel crew leader is seemingly popular. So if you can rework the opening while keeping the crucial aspects, then that is something I would definitely look into. If not, then don't worry too much about it, it probably won't stand out as a cliche enough to detract from the story. I have trouble with the way Kyd handles the fact he stole from a king that now wants to own him... I would run. Especially if I'm as fast as I was thinking I was mere moments earlier. For me to believe it I need to see something physically stopping him. I also have a little bit of trouble believing the scene when Jacks takes ownership of Kyd. I would tend to believe that telling a thief that your were going to steal something of theirs, wouldn't end well. Maybe if there was more of a threat than just telling them that you have guards I could believe it. And even if Keith believed Jacks, and thought there was a royal guard just outside, wouldn't any respectable hideout have multiple hidden entrances/exits? This is my biggest problem with this submission. A thief stays alive by lying and assuming everyone else is lying. So I don't see why Kyd believes Jacks is who he says/appears to be. In fact Kyd thought about how strange it was for a king to be in the slums, but didn't even consider the idea that maybe Jacks is a fraud. I really can't tear this down very much. It is well paced, gives nice little hints of the magic (system hopefully to be well explained later) , has interesting characters, and maybe most of all I love the cast system and the way it is reflected in the physical structure of the actual city. Edit: hope this makes what I meant more clear: i.e.The rich and powerful on top, poor and worthless on the bottom. When I pictured the city I literally pictured this in the form of a really big building or maybe a cave haha- http://rtn.asia/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/B_226_CasteSystem.jpg

alright I'll be brutally honest and say that this was a little hard read. But after getting through it I think you have something good here. Prologue: Firstly, there were a lot of jumps between describing the boat and the weather in the same paragraphs, and that made it hard for me to easily imagine the scene. Robinski (a great author on this forum) told me to cut back on describing the scene in great detail. "If you're in the woods she'll just say 'woods', but will only describe relevant details". this is what he told me when describing the approach of authors like Suzane Collins who have a minimalist approach to describing scenery. So instead of describing a forest with all its flora and fauna, just state that your character is in a forest and let the reader fill in the rest themselves. Or, in your case just mention the worn and damaged white boat. (I assume that the prologue was supposed to get the reader intrigued with the mysterious damaged boat and its captain. But the heavy descriptions made it difficult for me to get interested.) The rest: So far I like your characters, the way that each effects at least one other character makes it fun to see from each perspective. But I still think you could clean out a whole lot of your descriptors and streamline your storytelling. I really would have liked for something to happen in the submission. Right now the only thing that really sticks out as a significant event is the arrival of the Dragon Hawk. Other than that, the characters are just going about another non-plot-progressing day and we sit in on the drudgery. I know I said I like the multiple viewpoints, but now I need to tell you the problems that I personally have with it. Every time I started to understand a character and their motivations, 'whoosh' I was in another set of eyes that could be halfway around the world for all I know. I would suggest using one character to introduce as many other characters as you can, and then you can jump freely to the characters you've introduced without completely jarring us out of the setting. When you start a chapter with a character the reader hasn't met yet, you have to treat it like the beginning of a book and tell us all the need-to-know facts about the setting all over again. Last thing: other than too many descriptors, there was another thing that made this a difficult read; run on sentences. "Gliding unseen behind a pair of workmen carrying a length of rough lumber, skipping over a puddle with feet barely touching the ground she passed behind a small wagon; after glancing at the Harbor Master’s small tower to be sure there was enough fog to hide her from the small man with the dangerous smile." This is one sentence, yet it is the size of a short paragraph. I think you should try this trick that I used when I struggled with this: If you can't say the sentence out loud with only one breath, then you need to shorten it. Other than all that, I think you could have a great story, keep writing! I'd love to see more of this if it is refined a bit

This is my second submission of Fractured. There is a quick summary I sent with the email, if you read that you'll be mostly caught up. I'm looking for any critiques anyone has to offer, including grammar and spelling catches. But I'd particularly love it if everyone who reads it would tell me this: Genre: I didn't make it very clear in my prologue, so please tell me what you gather about the setting Characters: thoughts on likes, dislikes, whether or not they seem three dimensional Pacing: My biggest concern is info-dumping, which is all ch1 was before I revised it Magic: tell me powers you spot and thoughts on them(this is something that I'll care more about in later chapters, for now you'll just get your feet wet) Whatever: you guys are all really good at critiques, tell me anything!

There are two slots left right? I've got some new chapters that I can submit if there's space

alright, a lot of stuff has been covered but there are still some things I think I can contribute here. Prologue- a lot of people have mentioned the problems they've seen here, but I don't think I saw this; The prologue is obviously getting us to sympathize with the monsters. I love it, not entirely normal.... but then we see a young guys head get cracked open and brains eaten by a monster in the next page. So who do I cheer for now? Now I don't like people or monsters at all. Also, deaths seem so common already that I find myself distancing myself from all the characters expecting them to die really really soon. Your protagonist is unique, but he isn't a protagonist. Having a mean main character is great, but so far he has no motivations, so I find myself wishing I was still in Diego's eyes. He may be cliche but Diego wasn't fighting just because that's what the story demands. Honestly I like Julia the best. I myself am a very ornery and blunt person, and in writing this also makes for interesting dialogue. I have a suggestion that I'm timid to make because I don't want to push you to make a book for me, if that makes sense; I think this chapter would be great from Julia's perspective. Highly competitive girl, sees rich kid as threat, sizes him up by trying to unnerve him, notices something strange before Aldo defeats her. Lets you skimp on magic for now while still giving a taste, gives us insight into her motivations in her apparent advances towards Aldo, while still showcasing Aldo as a total jerk. But please, please tell us why whoever you choose as a main character is even fighting with the magic system; when Sanderson first mentions allomancy(with tin I believe) he goes into detail of the draw backs as well as the benefit, ie; kelsier's eyes are hurt by the now intense light from the fire, but he can hear his target much better, plus he uses the phrase "burning", letting us know that something is being lost for the production of the magic. Right now I'm wondering what the magic cost Aldo, and what the draw backs are. ok time for rapid fire small problems; someone mentioned earlier- a real sword would've ended it, meaning at the very least that the higher ups would see Aldo as foolish definitely take the advise of adding names instead of pronouns. I am terrible with grammar(in fact,I'm sure this post is riddled with grammar and spelling errors) and therefore I try not to make suggestions regarding it. But, I had forgotten Julia's name and for the life of me couldn't find it in your writing, so I searched the posts here. I like the world you've built, some quick tweaks and I'll love the whole thing! P.S. I saw in one of your responses that both Aldo and Julia are gay(which I love in the way that it breaks the theme of every book having one ridiculously strong character that just happens to be a minority). I think the problem you'll find is that homosexual romance will make some people avoid your book with no regard to how brilliant your story telling may be. So if your goal is to get widely published, I would perhaps limit this in someway so that the prude can grit their teeth and read the book for the sake of good writing. But if your goal is to sell to the gay community, then don't sweat it!

Not a whole lot to say here, I'll be brief. I liked this story a lot, though I think you could chop it down into a good intro to cool setting. I agree with the rest of the critiques in that Will needs a little more work. Although there are somethings that I am surprised that no one mentioned specifically as good empathetic traits; receding into ones mind during mundane or difficult times for example. personally, I don't think Robinski's note about page six is completely warranted. Will's harsh reception of the homely waitress's appearance shows a good subtle glimpse into his persona. To me it makes him seem inclined to be analytical and critical, and bound to be a little abrasive during conversation. This leads me into Sam's generous(though beer goggled) perception of the situation. I think that Sam's short dialogue is one of the only hints at how drunken he is becoming. The problem with the scene in my mind is the open end it leaves in the sense of mood. Initially I took it as a light hearted posturing between comrades, but when I played it back in my mind as crude and Misogynistic comment by Sam the scene held a very good somber color. I would love to see more work like this

@Robinski, Mandamon, and jParker: Thanks for all the tips on how to introduce my genre better while simultaneously reducing excess! @Sprouts: Thanks for reading! I had never noticed that, but now that you mentioned it, it'll bug me until I fix go in and fix it. I will likely have her collapse within the colony, this way you'll still have an accurate image of the scene while avoiding unnecessary description. Unless you think that the surroundings are pretty important at this point?

This great, I'm loving all this feedback @Robinski: I'd been hoping you would critique my piece. You break them down page by page in a very thorough way. first off I hear what you're saying and agree with your first few paragraphs. But I do want to let you know that I knew Eve would be a pretty stereotypical protagonist, she so she isn't. Although she will be a prominent character. now for the rest, lets see if I can effectively take a page from your book... -fixed; agreed*; thanks; Never noticed that, will fix; noted; noted; agreed; agreed; true**; agreed**; agreed**; agreed**; Oops; typo***; I'll spice it up; Oops again. *My setting Isn't conveyed accurately, yet I'm still too wordy, further suggestions? **It is clear that my entire market scene needs to be heavily edited, all these issues and more will be addressed. ***I meant barred, but if this is still unclear I could change it to sealed or the like. @jParker: You have a lot of very valid thoughts I'd like to address. Thanks for your encouragement and support for a start! I do indeed need to work on my flow of thoughts throughout the piece. It is just bits and pieces of ideas glued together, so I think I'm going to go through and type it fresh to eliminate as much of the loose bits as possible. Hopefully I'll be able to smooth out everyone's motives through this process as well. Next up is the grand genre debate. It will indeed be a fantasy, though I have plans for sci-fi sequels in the works. I would really appreciate tips on how to accurately portray my genre early on.

these are all great critiques, and I heard a lot of things that will definitely help a lot as I go through this and I would like to address most of your comments really quick. @Jagabond: First of all, thanks for the grammar help, I've never really tried italic thoughts and I'm glad they didn't seem to cause too much of a stir. I was afraid that it would seem to be a chapter in which, even though there is action, it seems as if not much information is given. This is because I intend to have the story truly start in another nation and wanted the reader to know some about the Empire, but have it be mysterious enough to still incite interest when it becomes more involved later on. If you're willing, I would like to hear what exactly you think you would need to know about the Empire and about the judges to get you acquainted enough to encourage interest. @Manaheim: I am definitely a greenhorn, I have written stories before but they were idle wish fulfillment at best. I wrote this thing in one ugly continues block, then separated it when I found out I was being a moron, so yeah, I will surely fix that right up. In one version with different characters, i had it in a class of sorts and had an unholy amount of a background information dumping going on in the form of a history lecture, nixed that but i still knew that it was going to be a lot of info in some spots. @Styn: I just have to say, you nailed both what I wanted to hear, and what I didn't, so at the risk of hurting feelings I crown you my favorite. Real quick; I was still deciding both tense and perspective so I knew I was bound to have missed some stranglers. First came what I was hoping no one would poke through but you did anyway, which sucks for me. I thought about how to force Eve out of the market without letting her make her sale. I can't have the Federation attacking the market for reasons you are not yet privy to. The existence of one literally underground market seemed a stretch but still somewhat believable, but a second rivaling it would bend my crazy government to breaking point. I suppose I might be able to swing a riot from within the market itself, because the market goers already know of the impending attack and wouldn't be called to defense. Lastly, I wasn't sure if anyone would notice the lack of troops on the outside of the gate but you did, and that doesn't suck. There is a reason for it, and you will have to wait to figure it out for a while. Think of it as revenge for killing my poor "judge attack on the market" idea. All and all this was awesome, and I can't wait for more. I will fix a lot of this really quick, I suppose if you'd like a revised copy, you could pm me and i could email it to you once I finish. Other than that, if I don't get too caught up in school junk i should be able to crank out a nice little chapter one fairly soon.

This is my first submission, I'm excited to see what you all think! Please tell me any and all thoughts, feelings, corrections, etc. I want to know anything you find that bores you, jars you from the story, or confuses you. thanks for the help!

I just got around to reading this one, and apologize of the tardiness of this critique. I also apologize in advance for how wordy it will be but we're all writers and this is my first critique, so sue me for over typing a bit. First off I'd like to say that it was very intriguing overall, and based of these first two chapters, I would love to fallow the story further. I enjoyed the idea that the opening paragraph presented, and really loved the quick reference to the whole air adept theme of eavesdropping that would come later with the line "Hone this craft, and you’ll be able to pick out minute details even in the midst of a sea of noise". I would say that the first paragraph gives me the feeling of being an outside observer, and for some inexplicable reason I was picturing your protagonist as viewing the foot traffic from a distant window until you mentioned that he fallowed the fake lowly. Now the fact that you don't mention gender, or any other physical trait of your protagonist in chapter one, did not interrupt my experience of your story in the slightest. Although I would warn that if it had turned out to be a female character it would've interrupted my visualization of the story. I would've liked an indicator of some sort early on, because many people(myself included) assume male unless proven female. You did a great job of portraying your protagonist as an expert with all the hints dropped form his analysis of the lesser criminal named Rolondo. In chapter two I would like to have at least a small definite indicator of gender, though the question of whether or not they appeared to be lovers lead me to believe that the protagonist is male. As far as their dialogue goes, I wasn't off put by anything in the way of their speech. I think that there are characters that you give distinct dialects for world building purposes, and there are those that you want to be quickly and easily understood. I would suggest that you have a reasonably common character have a special way of speech, but I would keep your main characters speaking nuances to a minimum or else you'll risk confusing your audience or interrupting their view of the story(plus it would get tedious to have to remember to throw in an "aye" or what not every time you have dialogue). I would think that readability trumps a slight deepening of the setting, even if it means using sparse modern nomenclature to effectively convey the characters thoughts and opinions in an efficient manor. Once again I would like to say I want to see more of this. I'd like to add that I was rarely aware that I was reading because I was caught up in the experience of the story, which is an awesome thing to be able to do.

I'm thinking I may have my first submission ready by Monday, is there still space?