Robinski

Thanks RD, comments much appreciated. And this one is spot on - thank you. I really must do that, it will be a good improvement

Hey there, Gustaf - welcome to Reading Excuses! It's intended as a stand-alone.

Soooo, I've had another go at this, which I think reflects the key comments from last time. Does that mean it's improved? I don't know!! Any comments very much welcomed. Kind regards, Robinski

No objection from me. Also, since it's Monday, and there are three requests, I'm going to stick my neck out and submit my piece from last week!

Err, so, having abjectly failed to submit last week (due to its extreme craziness), I'd like to have another go this week, but will instantly stand down if slots fill up.

WARNING: Tough love alert!! - This post contains more of the tough love in my last post (above). It is delivered with the best of intentions and respect for your desire to write this story, and generally to be a writer, which we all share (I'm sure) and are trying to discover and realise in ourselves. I know how you feel. At the end of the day, you have to tell the story that you want to tell, in the way you want to tell it. The thing is that other people might not find it entertaining. I started my first novel in 1984 and finished it in about 2002, it was 162,000 words, I edited it in 2007, 2009, 2011 and 2012 - it's now 224,000 words. I wrote it before I knew anything at all about writing other than through reading - i.e. basically copying what I read. After finishing the first draft, I started on the next book, and planned a trilogy - because that's what writers wrote - trilogies. Book 2 is at 100k words, and Book 3 is 46k, both unfinished. My point is that, until I knew about the writing process through doing all of the things I mention above (podcasts, online courses, learning, etc.), I didn't really know what was I doing wrong or right - I was just writing. It's all good practice, but it doesn't mean it's going to be in any way publishable, or as good as you want it to be. I remember someone in the WE team saying in one cast that sometimes, you are just not a good enough writer to do what you are trying to do, and you need to go away and learn the skills before you can realise that project. It was Howard - I remember now - and he was speaking from the personal experience of not being a writer (at the time). The longest Wheel of Time book is Shadow Rising at 394,000 words. The shortest volume of the Wheel of Time is Path of Daggers at 227k words (excluding New Spring, a mere 122k). Think of the detail, the richness, the description that goes into a work like that, which is dense enough, layered enough and deep enough to support the number of POVs it has. This is a brilliant website (http://wot.wikia.com/wiki/Statistical_analysis) which breaks down the books. Eye of the World 'only' has 6 POVs, I think, whereas that ramps up to 15 in The Great Hunt. Maybe you have the depth of world-building, or potential for it, to support such a vast array of characters but, honestly, I don't think your skill is at that level. My suggestion, for what it's worth, is to consider elevating your skill by going through one or more learning processes, mentioned in may first post, but for ease of reference: The Writing Excuses back catalogue - all of them - they all offer something; Go through Brandon's BYU course (https://www.youtube.com/user/WriteAboutDragons); Consider signing up for David Farland's newsletter (https://mystorydoctor.com). He taught Brandon and Dan Wells "Everything they knew" Then, why not practice your new skills on shorter pieces, novellas and novelettes, and submit them on here. This would give you shorter term practice in completing stories, full arcs, limited POVs, background, setting and character development, different tenses and voices - basically everything that you are trying to do, but in a more manageable way flexible and responsive way. I suggest all of this, because I feel like it worked for me, and when you think about it, it's bound to be a quicker, more effective way to develop news skills than trying to manage a piece the size of a volume of Wheel of Time. Brandon and Dan often say in WE how their early writings were unpublishable, and abandoned for other projects. I'm not saying abandon this story, but come back to it emboldened and with new skills and perspective. Most importantly, of course. Never, Give. Up. We're here for you, and will keep reading, critiquing and opining, whatever course you take.

Hey Matt, thanks for the explanation. I must admit I'm still a bit confused about the arc of the story, but, mostly, I can remember the chapter about the rescue and the bandits, and I remember it being effective, decent pacing, good level of excitement. On we go. “We forgot that those who feel power” – The epigraph kind of encapsulates one of the main issues I'm having. I don’t understand the setting, how the world works. Who is in power, why, how and what is the political / military context? It feels like a barrier between me and the setting, and not having the setting leaves me unsure of the grounding of the characters. Also, ‘feel’ seems weak to me. Surely, these people ‘have’ or ‘use’ power, or ‘abuse’ power, rather than just feeling it. “Visiting the temple always lifted his mood, even when on a day like today” – what about the day? “hawkers” – this word just makes me yawn, I think it’s a solid cliché of fantasy writing now. Sure, I’ve got some too in ‘Waifs and Strays’. The challenge is to do something different with them, or call them something different, have a complete absence of them, for some reason. “and fruit-bearing trees” – It’s not an apple with an orchard on its back “two men positioned a hog on an outdoor.” – an outdoor what? You don’t italicise the internal dialogue, which makes it harder to pick up. It needs to be differentiated visually from the narrative. The smell of bread reminding him he has to eat? Meh. It’s a very familiar trope. I'm not sure it’s worth including if it’s only going to be a cursory reference. “and almost imperceptively imperceptibly shook his head” – not a word. “The woman whispered something again into Bepple's ear, bringing out an easy laugh” – She has already whispered once, so this sentence sounds like repetition, but it doesn’t acknowledge the first sentence. Could say ‘whispered something else’. Also, “L grinned” – I don’t understand L’s emotional state, or where his emotions come from. He seemed to be reflective earlier on, suddenly he grins, but I don’t understand why. Do you bite back a frown? I'm not sure you do, as a frown is not concentrated on the mouth. “Despite the impractical clothing, L saluted” – Why on earth would he consider not saluting them because of their clothing? I’m finding some of the writing a bit awkward. Early days, I suppose, in that there will be further grammar and style passes, I would expect, but stuff like “To Landon, it looked strange to see a single scribe sitting at such a simple desk in an entryway as large, and magnificent as the temple. Despite the large construction, no other furniture adorned the big hall” – The description here is all about the size, but does convey any of the magnificence. I find the description kind of simplistic throughout. For me, that’s a missed opportunity, although some people like to go that way. “L grinned and took the steps two at a time” – Again, I don’t understand what he’s so chipper about. This makes him sound like a 15-year-old, imho. “Though many would find the Temple barren of warmth, L appreciated the austere style” – There are a fair few commas missing, like this one, there is a natural pause in the sentence right there, imho. I'm not going to start marking them all but “He wondered, not for the first time, how his Manor had become…” “the look of readiness the man presented himself with” – There is wordiness in places. Directness pays dividends for the readability. Th… says ‘Pal…’ twice in two consecutive sentences. “Th… nodded as though in agreement” – Again, directness. Why would there be any doubt that he was nodding in agreement? “a set of parchment in his hands” – Maybe a piece of parchment, or a set of parchments, but not this. “A Lord found this piece hidden away” – You say ‘this piece’ twice; it sounds awkward. Also, it’s just any old non-specific lord; it’s not capitalised unless your using the name, ‘Lord Smith’, for example. This instance is just the same as when you mention ‘vicar’ in the next paragraph, or ‘scribe’ earlier. But then you go on to capitalise ‘Vicar’. I have a real problem with this, as my tagline suggests!! When you spray capitals around like confetti, they become completely meaningless, even names start to look unimportant. Like any technique for stressing something, if you use it too much it becomes useless. “a glyph that looked remarkably similar to the tile floor he stood on” – I don’t remember there being a glyph on the tiled floor. “The vicar asked knowingly” – I don’t think you need this, I feel it’s redundant. The vicar’s words already convey the meaning. Let the reader deduce it from the context. “So. You see it?” – This is one sentence. “I've… I've seen nothing like this before” – so is this, or certainly the first part is not a complete one. “The Vicar sighed and motioned for Landon to take a seat in the chair” – redundant. Forgot Tha was still there, but what does that add to the story? I feel like there is quite a bit of material in here that is either irrelevant or certainly uninteresting. The reader is engaged in the question over the tapestry, so this is a distraction. Could it be that it’s intended to be significant, that Tha might be a spy? I don’t get that impression. “The Vicar grinned” – I'm feeling now that this word is really overused. Why can’t the vicar just smile? Grinning is a whole other level, obviously, and starts to convey different emotions, not to mention affecting the tone. “But I digress.” – I don’t see that he was digressing – he was still discussing the symbols. “The Sue-Vicar's blunt question” – No, wait a minute. If this is the sue-vic, how would they address the actual Vicar? Would they call him ‘Vicar’ too? If ‘Vicar’ is intended to be a generic term of address, how can you capitalise it all the time? By calling the ‘sue vicar’ ‘Vicar’, he is being addressed at a higher level than he inhabits, surely? Also, going from paragraph to paragraph in the same character’s dialogue, you drop the first set of inverted commas, because you are in the same speech and the dialogue isn’t finished. Personally, though, I would not start a new paragraph. They are still on the same subject, I think. “Come, my son, we have a lot to discuss." “From your expression…” “I hope that their absence will be noticed and lead us to the rest” – their absence from where? A bit unclear, I think. “lines of concern wrinkled above his brow” – I think there is confusion here between eyebrows, and forehead. To my mind, the brow singular applies to the forehead, as in the phrase, ‘his furrowed brow’, because it’s the forehead that has the furrows on it, not the eyebrows. “It…” he paused, uncertain” – Not a new sentence, it’s the second part of this one. “Sometimes leaders need to trust each other to say the things that need to be said” – I’m pretty much half way through the chapter, and this is the first comment that has really caught my interest. The golden rule of fiction, surely, is that you have to engage the reader from the start, whether that’s the start of the book, the start of the chapter, the start of the section; whatever. I reckon you could condense the first 10 pages of this chapter in maybe 3 or 4. We simply don’t need to follow every step of L’s journey from the gate of the temple through the garden through the entrance, up the stairs, through the vestibule. I think it would be worth seeking out WE podcasts tagged or entitled ‘In Late, Out Early’. “Landon swallowed the spit rising in his throat” – WebMD says ‘The glands that make saliva are called salivary glands. The salivary glands sit inside each cheek, at the bottom of your mouth, and near your front teeth by the jaw bone’ – So, I'm afraid the spit isn’t rising in L’s throat. In the spirit of tough love, I’ve got to say that this is not the first detail that seems to be just incorrect. These little facts are worth checking, I’ve certainly made assumptions and been corrected on them – that’s the joy of alpha reading (and receiving)!! “I’ve heard rumors that the estates CrestWatch are opulent” – unclear, do you mean the CrestWatch Estate is opulent? What is it, who owns it, why is it opulent. It’s hard sometimes to balance how much detail to provide, but dropping an unfamiliar name leads immediately to questions, I think. “Any purchases would be due to the Empire” – You would normally purchase ‘from’ someone. But pay ‘monies’ to them, I think. Things get really choppy around this bit about the monuments. That change in subject is very sudden, then there are lots of paragraphs, but all in the same stream of thoughts from L – so not requiring all those paragraphs, methinks. Wait, what? The sue-vicar raised the subject of the monuments, then tells L to forget it. That seems very awkward. The changed the subject, then dismissed it almost in two sentences. “If the thieves and brigands we are charged to stop are armed” “It would put a lot of strain on the boy. He'd have no time for anything outside of chores, training, and service.” – In this section about the training, L comes across rather naïve at best. He knows how the system works, why on earth would he expect it to be brushed aside just because he gave his word? Also, this bit here about the boy having no time? Boo, hoo. Cry me a river. He’s lucky to have a job and an expert trainer. To me, this makes the boy sound cosseted and entitled. The ending of the chapter doesn’t pack quite the punch that I would hope for, and I'm not entirely clear what L’s emotion or thought process is. I don’t quite get what he’s thinking. Again, I think there are inconsistencies in tone, and some jumps in character internal logic. Various style issues mentioned above, but these things can be worked upon and refined over time and edits. The basic set up is decent but, for me, it’s just way too long, and gets bogged down in detail and lingering on things that don’t matter – I feel. I try to think about what really happened in this chapter. One man goes to see another man, they talk. Okay, there were various things set up, and hints at other things. Some characters introduced, although apart from the two priests in the garden, not in a particularly interesting way for the others. Stories and skills develop over time, and through constant and ongoing development. Do you listen to Writing Excuses? Have you been through the back issues of the podcast, or maybe watched Brandon’s writing class lectures, which are available online? I think based on the what I'm reading in your submissions, you would benefit from going through some of those things. Signing up for David Farland’s newsletter would be another course of action to consider. I hope there is something useful in here. Good luck, and keep going, that’s the only medicine worth taking. <R>

Sorry these comments are late. It’s been that kind of week. Then again, I see you have one comment before me - slow week!!! Interlude – I know it’s ‘only’ the title, but seems to me the white dresses are stressed a fair bit. The blue sash really is only a highlight to the dress, “kept passers-by from commenting” – typo …and “or getting us into trouble” – I would say “giving us into trouble”, but that might be cultural. The thing is, the person who does the getting is the one who causes the trouble, but the passers-by would not be doing that, hence they would be doing the opposite, i.e. giving into trouble. “but we equally detested the dresses equally” – imho. “The bank is really high this year” – Doesn’t S mean the water is low? Being educated, I would think S would know the difference at a young age. “find the king’s amulet hidden in the glacial lake” – nice bit of foreshadowing there. “tied the blue sash from my dress around my mouth” – I read this like a gag, which was reinforced by the mention of kidnapping. “How would I wear it then? To look like a dashing bandit?” – This is not two sentences, I think, or it take on a different meaning. “I could see M’s smile in the way the skin crinkled around her eyes” – this is a lovely detail. When I think back to the dearth of description in early drafts of AFD… Chapter 3 “I had more to offer, surely, for to this old friend” – I feel like you offer to someone. “Can’t have the royal daughter be seen with a vagabond” – not capitalised? I feel like the last page is a bit scruffy. M describing her base of operations is anti-climactic – or more the reasons why she set up there, introduces small, new details when I’m looking for the chapter to be summing up and sticking the landing. I like how you provide more guidance for the reader in these edited chapters about S’s ‘status’. The fact that it is openly discussed feels more logical and reasonably than what I remember of the previous version, which is the topic being skirted around and not dealt with. Serval steps forward in this version, I think. I was pleased how you set up S & M’s (Lol, how appropriate!) relationship, and built into the plot. I feel the questions tumbling in my head, but in a good way, not from confusion, but from wanting to proceed and learn the answers through the development of the plot and the characters. <R>

Sorry my submission is tardy - look on the bright side, it's only 1,500 words!! I'm still hoping to get there, but time this week is just evaporating.

YAYYYYYYY!!!

Hey Matt, thanks for those comments - much appreciated. Yes, there is some helpful stuff there and they arrived at just the right time, as I'm planning to have a run at this today for re-submission tomorrow. Robinski

I'd like to submit this week, please. I'm going to have another blast at 'Desert Tide' - if you guys are up to it so soon

Hey, great to see you back submitting. Straight on with the comments. CHAPTER 1 – I like the title, suggests mystery and cooperation against a larger foe, perhaps by a band of miscreants, a la Mistborn. I don’t understand the religious observance comment. I don’t see the sense that guard placement could be that. “That guard wouldn’t be back until the next shift” – that seems like a really long guard circuit, seems pretty pointless. This description implies to me it could be 15/20 minutes before another guard comes around. I like the subversion of the expectation with the guard coming back. The comment about the guard not doing what he’s supposed makes Ray look kind of naïve, a bit incompetent. “always a man behind the magic”- never a woman? “what he judged to be a proper distance” – I'd like him to be more obviously competent than this. Rather than just judging the distance, I'd like him to be pacing it out and knowing, being without doubt that it is the right distance. As an engineer, I don’t really believe that you can form a 15-foot pool from individual reeds that’s going to hold a man’s weight in a pole vault. I'm thinking of watching Olympic pole vaulting, and the stresses that go through that pole. My inquiring mind wants to know what mechanism or what magic is going to hold those joints together. I'm trying to suspend my disbelief. “grip on the vaulter” – no, surely he is the vault, the pole is… the pole. “left him within the inner area of the keep” – this feels unnecessarily complicated. Why would his best jump make it feel like too long? Surely, if he’s still improving, it’s a sign he’s just reaching his peak. “severe cases of disappointment” – lol, funny line. “a layer of grass around his walls” – how did the pole clatter when it landed then? Rather than intriguing me, the references to Am and Passions leave my frustrated, like there’s not enough to intrigue me, maybe. Dunno. “The vaulter lay in two pieces, strewn across the grass” – why only two? Can two pieces by ‘strewn’? I don’t think so. And that ‘vaulter’ thing is annoying. You don’t call a golf club a ‘golpher’, or a baseball bat a ‘batter’. Ah, now you mention clasps. No, I really don’t believe that. There’s no way that reeds have sufficient tensile strength to function like this. Maybe bamboo, if the fixing were magical or really, really clever. The problem is that the force is not evenly distributed, but focused entirely on the clasps, which I dare say fix at a very small point. The clasps itself may be strong metal, but it will just rip through the reed at the connection point. “the loud clatter his fall had caused would draw unwanted attention” – sometimes, the style is a bit indirect, but that’s just wordsmithing – plenty of time for that later. “then ran down the steps” – I don’t believe he can do this with two broken ribs. He seems completely unaffected by his injuries. If there is no cost, the injuries are pointless. I don’t mean this in a nasty way, it’s only figurative, but I'd be interested to see you running with two broken ribs “sprinted towards it, ducking into a roll to pass a guardsman” – per my comment above, if I was reading this in a store, I would put the book down at this point and move on. “shot up as the Point groaned” – the description of the explosion, I presume that’s what it is?, is not very exciting. Underwhelming. It’s the big crescendo moment of the chapter. I want a MUCH bigger boom. The first chapter has good potential. Ray is an engaging character, although he doesn’t display a great deal of character, he is obviously taking great risks for some cause – that came over well, I thought. There is a ‘wow’ moment with the pole vault, but you really need to sort out the physics and the mechanics of it. Could he not have some kind of enchanted pole (Ooh, err – more tea, Vicar?) Secondly, the broken ribs are a BIG issue. You really need to research the actually effects of broken ribs – no way he’s going to be jumping, sprinting and rolling. No way. Maybe give him cracked ribs? But really, research required. CHAPTER 2 – “Like most things, it simply needed someone to fix it” – great line. This really punches up Ray’s motivation, shows great determination in these couple of lines. Nice work. I don’t mind waiting to get this motivation, because i can wonder about it during Chapter 1, but don’t have to wait too long to understand why he’s doing it. “His side burning” – Hmm, research. Is that how broken ribs feel? “Oh, just the rusted wind” – What?! A tower just blew up!! “. Years of potting and positioning” – plotting, I guess, unless he’s a keen gardner. “find a way into the house” “The ease at which they passed through all the house’s defenses seemed to imply they were expected somewhere” – this is a bit annoying. Ray has very conveniently attached himself to a group of guards going the way he wants to go (I guess). It feels rather like the author manipulating events to suit the plot. “His newly-reset shoulder twinged” – yeah, this bothered me at the time. Again, I would suggest research a dislocated shoulder, and I would use words that imply the dislocation before he pops it back in. The dislocations I’ve seen on the sports field (on TV!!) are excruciatingly painful, and seem to render the sufferer pretty much incapable. “like a dockworker’s catch” – I don’t know what this means. “took a lot more than a few punches to knock out a Malt” – is this the explanation for the ribs not affecting him so much, nor the dislocation? If it is, I need this right up front, to know that it’s not poor writing, but that he is ‘immune’ to pain. Good climax to the story with some interesting question flashing around before Ray is subdued. Everything going black is a real cliché. There’s nothing in the writing rulebook that says a character needs to pass out at the end of the chapter. Sometimes chapters just end and the character is still conscious! I enjoyed this. My main bugbear was facts and names and things flashing past which were sort of reveals, but actually didn’t really reveal much of anything, so more just hints. Too many hints without explanation become a bit frustrating for the reader, after a while. Generally though, I think there’s some good stuff here that is worth working on through however many rounds of edits to iron out the wrinkly bits. I hope we’re going to get some more. Is this a finished project? <R>

Hmm, I must have glossed over that. The picture without people is difficult to scale, but if it fits 30, I'm convinced.

I think this killed your story, for me anyway. I feel like you took out all the things that I read for, character, thoughtfulness, emotion, (evocative) description. Sometimes a story is not the length you want it to be, or try to make it. Listening to what the WE team saying about MICE quotient is interesting in this respect. If you're writing a short, you have to consider how many characters you have, how many locations, and ideas. Having too many in a shorter piece will mean you can't do them justice in the length you're aiming for. #iagreewithkais I hope I didn't come over overwhelmingly down on this, because I am not by any means, but I think it deserves more depth, more time (words) to develop.

Hey there. Interested to read another of your stories. The title tripped my straight away, is it ‘Runed’ or ‘Ruined’? It kind of looks like a typo. I’m drawn into the story, which is good. I like this first interaction, although some of the language could be tidied up. “He was a synergist specialized in healing, but Haley was as cheerful as ever” – I didn’t get this first time, it feels like a non-sequitur. Cheerful is not the opposite of being unwell. “Your cousin, right?” – she just said that, makes him look a bit dense. “being that life threatening” – isn’t it either life-threatening or not? This felt off to me. “The bed held a sick girl” – this is very offhand, dismissive. There’s something off here. Ven says “I came as soon as I could” – which implies someone called him, but earlier he implies he passes this way anyway as part of his routine. I see then that he’s early. There’s something very curt about the style, there’s no doubt or consideration, it’s just boom, boom, boom. She’s sick; it’s this; I can cure that; here’s an ointment; I’ll go tell my wife. It almost feels like an outline for a story, a skeleton that lacks all the colour and detail and character that brings stories to life. “It was as simple as flexing a finger for him” – I like this line. It conveys capability, but it’s a small thing, so doesn’t make him seem super-powerful. In fact, I also like how you’ve underlined that he’s out of his depth here. “Liquid water” – Hmm, there is something redundant here. Water, automatically, is a liquid – if it was solid, it wouldn’t be called water. There are a lot of typos around here. I'm not highlighting them. “Eh-huh” – I'm not keen on this. You said already that she coughed. I’m not sure what it adds. Although, do you know, it’s sort of growing on me. Difficult thing to convey. I don’t think I would have known it was a cough if you hadn’t said so. I’d be wary about over-using it, and once you’ve explained the first time it’s a cough, imho, I wouldn’t think you needed to mention it again. We’re back to the very off-hand stuff. Sa is sooo calmly accepting of her fate. There’s a great opportunity there for some real emotion in the story, but she is completely emotionless about it, as is Ven, apart from a tiny bit of surprise. I'm totally confused at the bit that Destiny is referred to. I don’t think it’s clear at all. “That’s all right” – wow, err, no one seems to be at all concerned here. “I would definitely call what I did ‘my best’, so everything will turn out fine.” “She’ll be all right?” Haley asked. “That’s good, ‘cuz a witch was asking about her earlier” – I'm totally confused. For one thing, he just said he could have done more, then doesn’t explain why he didn’t. And the initial premise that doing you best means things will be fine is – ridiculous – sorry, but it is. Life is not like that. This goes back to my earlier point about the story sort of skipping past and ignoring complex emotional issues. I finally broke down at this point, and started skipping through the story. There are some nice ideas here and I think there is potential for a good and interesting story, but this is too much of a summary, too dismissive of all the things that make a good story, like character and emotion and consideration. There’s enough bone here for a novella if you let the characters breathe, let them feel, let them think about what’s happening, let it affect them, instead of just bouncing from one thing to the next before what’s happening has time to sink in. I hope there is something helpful here. <R>

Very much looking forward to reading another one of your stories. For me ‘trepidatious’ is kind of overblown for the first line of a story. It may be the right word, but I feel it distances me, rather than including me. I don’t feel excited about the story, I feel like the writer is using big words. I like the man nervously anticipating what he’s about to do, which I feel is something on the planet, but actually he’s just thinking about the act of going to the planet? I feel a tiny bit let down, as I thought it was going to be something more momentous/mysterious, then it’s revealed straight away. “a single classmen” – plural disagreement. “found it nice” – not a very meaningful word, doesn’t convey anything much “I indicated the ones that had captured my interest” – are they not out of sight in the cargo compartment? That’s what I’ve visualised with them going into the passenger compartment. “nadir interior hull” – I take his point, but the part of the ship he’s describing is still the floor. It’s designed to be a floor and functions as a floor in all but those limited times when they are in freefall. Sorry, I have to bow out at this point. I’m not a fan of hard SF, and this is hard enough that it turns me off. I'm an engineer and I read and write to get away from it. More importantly however, I think my lack of interest stems from finding the character unengaging, pretty boring in fact. This story seems all about the intellectual ‘mystery’ and very little to do with character, location, action, intrigue. Sorry about that. I’ll be back on board for your next story submission. <R>

Surely, this boat is far too small to have a captain? Also, the description conveyed to me a larger number of passengers. Something more the size of the African Queen, which it seems to me also would warrant having a captain.

Question: I was glancing at my bookshelf, and noticed that my copy of AFD just says "A-----m" on the spine; no mention of First D**. So, what will be on the spine of my copy of ASD, I wonder?

I’m fine reading these early chapters again. My memory is so bad that I barely remember ‘any’ of it! “but there was still covered laughter” – me no like this, I read it as ‘covert’ first time; I feel that it wants to be ‘covert’. It’s a long old sentence too. I paused for a sit-down after murmuring. “my body had betrayed me” – I think we’ve managed to establish by now that I'm a heathen and an old dog, slow to pick up the finer points of many things, including non-binary sexuality and physiology. A penny just dropped here for me, and it was the word ‘betrayal’ that did it. I joke about my memory, but it does tend to retain small details (at the expense of large ones, usually) – I'm sure the word ‘betrayal’ was there in the first version. So, the embarrassingly slow realisation (since first submission in February) is that a young child, up to a certain age looks, to all intents and purposes, the same ‘up top’, and therefore is ‘defined’ by what they have ‘down below’. Hence, an ‘unexpected’ change up top could be seen as a betrayal. “I didn’t need to rationalize the distinction to anyone, much less certainly not to taunting villagers on a drowning boat” – I don’t think the phrasing is right here. I think ‘much less’ would follow rationalising the distinction to one person, but where the first reference is to a bigger group, which includes the second group, I think you need a different qualifier. “I’d been ignored them” – typo. “any chance I might have had to do be otherwise” – S is thinking about ‘being’ TWD and so would ‘be’ otherwise, rather than ‘do’, surely. “It was a stupid title, and not properly descriptive at all, and I hated it” – repetition. I’m confused about the size of the vessel. My impression is of it being small, because of how quickly S got in and seated, and that fact that it has what I think is a canvas awning, which I don’t think would be very wide. The fact that the boat has a captain, and is not just ‘captained’ by the ruddermaster surprised me enough that I thought they were the same and there was a gender mistake. Need blocking on the size of the boat. “Even through I sat right next to her” – typo. “the man rebutted to his partner” – imho. “although her feet did not slow on the paddles” – yeah, if there’s only one person propelling this boat, there is no way it’s big enough to need a separate captain. It just couldn’t hold enough people, I think. I was disoriented as to the reason that S was dunked, but I guess it’s explained, I'm fine with that. Daft question. I can see piranha lurking around a dock; lots of scraps, I guess. But would an anaconda with all those people around? Bottom of Page 8, personally, I'm much happier with the level of overt ‘explanation’ as to S’s gender. No doubt in part it’s due to my being more educated since February, but I think you’ve insert more as well, and I think it will work much better for first-time readers. Never heard of a mangosteen; that’s my education for today! Thank you. Lieutenant Pedant to the rescue!! “smoked meat on wood sticks” – surely, all sticks are wooden by default, therefore, the word ‘wood’ is redundant. “pressed myself into the side of a brick building” – Perhaps because I’ve just been watching Luke Cage, this sounds literal, and therefore weird. “wasn’t enough to get me even a new binding” – really? I’ve always thought of the binding as just a strip of cotton cloth, maybe 8/10 feet long, so it goes around, what, 3/4 times? Almost like a big bandage. Would that really cost all that much? I’ve always thought of it as kind of a ‘scrap’ of cloth, unworked in any way. “The normal din to the capital was louder than normal” – typo, right? “I let my mind wander to the crowds of alchemists” – ? Oh, I see that they are actually in front of S, these alchemists. That’s a blocking issue for me. They seemed to just appears from nowhere. S pushed off the wall then started walking then S is looking at the alchemists in front of the palace. There was no time between starting to walk and being right there. I need some walking time there, or some sense of arrival at the palace. That must be an impressive building, and I think S would feel something when the alchemists came into view. “I could see the city center clearly” – I would like something more here. Is the city centre a wide-open plaza; formal square; fountains; plant beds; trees? I'm thinking it must be an impressive place. I need something to picture it. The palace wasn’t worthy of remark either, which was unusual (see above). Are there no big civic buildings in the city centre? “I passed two well-lit stores” – Ah, is it dark? I was picturing daylight by default. I thought we left in the morning and it was a 4-hour trip? I may be mis-remembering, but a reminder or two along the way to update the atmosphereic conditions would be helpful. “We weren’t exactly the same, he and I” – I'm not quite getting this but I'm hearing that this ‘guy’ might be non-binary? But then S refers to ‘he’, so then I'm thinking moobs, but S still identifies with him? I'm not clear, and I don’t think he’ll be around long enough. “I’m sure you can infer what no attendance her absence would mean” – Awkward, suggest this. “I would lose my only means of self-defense” – I feel that maybe ‘self’ is redundant? This one should earn Lieutenant Pedant a promotion. “I stepped down from the footpath” – in highway engineering terms, in the UK certainly, a footpath is a formal pedestrian route that is not contiguous with and does not parallel a highway. A formal pedestrian route directly abutting the highway is a footway. I suppose, North Americans would refer to it a sidewalk? I’d need to check the AASHTO guidance for the official nomenclature in North America. (This ain’t trees; you’re in my house now “the plaza housed all of the guildhalls” – sense of scale and of place required, I think. “it was a nice relief” – not a great word, not precise or clear in meaning. “dwarfed both in size and stature from by the others” “In the room just past had been an eating area” – Eh? Is there a word missing? “Had other guilds had suffered” “the man had spoken about—what about it?” – awkward. “What manner of machinery would cause that? Would it be machinery, to make a guildhall this clean?” – confusing. It seems to me that the first sentence compares this hall with the clothes shop that was closed down because of a cheaper method used elsewhere, i.e. by competition, but not physically/literally, but the second sentence considers whether another method was directly responsible for cleaning out this hall, physically. These things are not directly comparable, it seems to me. “on the warmed dirt” – seems to me warmed begs the question, ‘By what?’, which is unnecessary. “more comforting in sleep than it ever had been in life” – comparing sleep with life sounds awkward, it sounds like it should be compared with waking. I found this chapter better than the previous version, from what I can remember. It starts to open up the plot, and has enough tension that it is not boring. I’m happy with this, and look forward to further development in the next one. <R>

Treehugger

Agreed. It basically happened because I realized that the story was getting too long, and needed to condense what was going to be several scenes into a few paragraphs. I though it was fine. it's a bit jarring at the start of the submission, but given the length of the story, having a different narrative worm in there helps to break up the flow, in a sort of mini scene-sequel sense. I think that's good, especially if you decide to go to novella length. On that point, personally, I would go to novella. WE's advise on this (or MRK's anyway) likely would be to consider the MICE quotient and how many characters, settings, ideas you have. I think there are enough in this story to support a longer (clearer in place, see my comments) narrative. Yeah, I think this matches up with my reaction of disbelief to the children being so ready to accept beatings and respond with understanding and love. I think it erodes the readers ability to be convinced of The as a character. #iagreewithmandamon #iagreewithmandamonagain I had a wobble myself, once or twice, in terms of POV, but you really have to have those switches, I think, to do justice to the shift to the soul 'plane'. I found myself able to accept it, although it sometimes was noticeable. I forgot to recap on this. I was pretty much only ever confused by the change in titles through the piece. The dropping the honorific works, and Es not liking it also works. But I think one or two of the early reference to different titles are confusing. I think if you simplify it to Es being 'your grace' (i.e. different from the other priests) but not liking it, it would play out better. Yeah. We've got a child-beater here. I don't think I want him to be forgiven. I think a fitting punchline would be for him to go to the fiery place anyway. He can still forgive Es - perhaps that would be more poignant an ending. Tre does the right think for his daughter, but still had to pay the price for his sins. Otherwise, everyone has a happy ending. I think this story is complex enough that it deserves a more challenging ending than 'they all lived (or died) happily ever after'.

Well, I'm certainly keen to find out what happens, and reassured in opening the file that even if I have issues with something, I'm in for a solid and well-written piece. Comments, as I read. I hope you get as far as the summartion at the end! “Tre, in particular, has been incredible” – this is an unscientific word for Er to use, who seems very particular about his process. “lost ninety-seven percent of his weight” – I don’t understand. I may be missing something due to WRS, does this mean the weight of his soul, or something like that? Not his physical weight, surely?! Does he regain it? Confused. “I was not present for these measurements” – This is interesting. It’s rather contemptable that a scientist is not willing to witness the effects of the experiments he is leading, but that’s good here, because it shows us a flaw in Er. It’s hard not to sympathise with his lofty goals and earnest endeavour, having this moral balance with the treatment of the prisoners, and then this added dimension of a personal flaw (arguably) in Er is well done, I think. “surprised to see a murderer” – I'm others pointed it out, but still. “scheduled to consume the soul blossom” – I think you have set up this moment very effectively. You explained last time that this was a death sentence, based on previous results, and you’ve shown a death (Na); also, you’ve shown Tre being exceptional. So, I’ve got some real expectations about this trial. “You truly believe that” – repetition of ‘truly’ in close proximity, sounded off to me. “You’re Your final consumption” “how valuable your services here have been” – I’ve explained my anticipation of the coming scene, but I am perplexed. If Tre’s services have been so valuable, why put him through the rest that is likely to kill him, why not continue to use him for non-fatal tests? I’d like to see more of the rationale as to why they are not preserving him. “You’re a strange one, Esirta” – comma. “She was in a deep sleep when I left the city” – See, I think my problem last time came from a lack of clarity over whether the daughter was alive or not. Some said to Tre ‘you’re a child killer’ (paraphrasing) and it wasn’t refuted. So, I assumed he’d killed his daughter. This since has been refuted, but I wish he’d refuted it in his mind at the time, clarified that he had killed the guard, but not his daughter. That would have made all the difference to me. “you have two daughters, as well as three sons” – This just reinforces my chagrin at the sparsity of Tre’s internal monologue in the first part of the story. This kind of new information, this late in the story, niggles with me. I’m not saying spell out the names and ages of his family, but I think it’s reasonable to expect him to think, when in prison, about the fact that he has other family, or to refute, internally, that he attacked his own daughter. ‘“Yra.” He whispered.’ > “Yra,” he whispered. – Really, editors will hate that “both of them feeling guilty towards the other” – I kept picking away at this phrase, because it doesn’t sound right to me. In addition, I think it’s an opportunity for a more evocative moment. ‘each suddenly and acutely aware of the debt he owed the other.’ – just something, more. It seems like a key moment between the two main characters. “Trebor paused to breathe” I can feel the power in this moment, but I think Tre’s confession needs some work. “if I could hurt them then that also proved I could protect them” - I don’t expect to be able to understand why he beat his children, but I’m still struggling with the pacing of the revelation through the story. Also, paragraphing the dialogue in that way is confusing. I don’t see the problem with keeping one strand of dialogue as a block. “they would say that they understood, that they still loved me” – I don’t believe this, it’s too convenient for the purposes of the story. He beat five kids and they all forgave him?! It lumps them all together and doesn’t allow for them being individuals. “because I killed her” – and there’s my favourite bugbear again. This is factually incorrect. I know he can be allowed to speak metaphorically, and by this point in the story, we know that she’s still alive, but him doing this in the first part of the story, and the guard reinforcing it, gave me completely the wrong impression. “Children grow out of the damnation things so fast” – Lol, true dat. I feel his pain here. “ran into the guard on by accident” “And I just stood there and watched. I was scared” – this is a problem for me, I don’t know how to identify or accept this. Given the courage of sorts that Tre has displayed at certain point of the story, I don’t believe this reaction. “My daughter died” – BUT SHE ISN’T DEAD – this constant and deliberate contradiction is very frustrating. “Its flowers were open, focusing at an empty point” – this really is an excellent detail and piece of word-building. “What happened to me wasn’t your fault, Dad” – meh. “Don’t be. As you proved, the only thing you could accomplish by getting involved was to get yourself killed too” – I don’t recall seeing this being proved. “At least one of us would have survived that way” – how old is the child supposed to be? I’ve been picturing 6-8, but she sounds much older, and these are older concepts and expressions, I feel. The lack of dialogue tags in the quick exchanges leads me to lose track of who’s talking. “Why am I stuck here?” “Then you’ll disappear” – This is a very effective way of ramping up the tension at this point in the story. Nicely done. Time-bombs are such fun – as a writing device! “looked at her softly” – I'm not sure what that looks like. “the way she talked, he sometimes forgot how young she was” – Hmm, yeah, okay. Per my comment above. “But you’ve taught me a lesson” – I think there’s a big issue here. I was really put off by the bit about all his children loving him even though he beat them. I mean, seriously? I think that holds back the story significantly. If it was not as well written as it is, I would have stopped reading at that point, because I think there is a very distasteful idea there. I don’t see how would it hurt the story if his children despised/hated and feared him for beating them. “ad, he watched as his daughter suffering” – typo. “She was alive” – But she was always alive. This is a very effective story, well written, with a good, strong economical style. I’m glad a read it. I think there are key aspects that let it down which, if edited, would transform it into an even better story. (a) there is a pretty much constant see-saw back and forth between Y being dead and Y being alive – I think it’s misleading and I don’t think it serves any purpose. I am by no means remarkable, so, if I’m having that reaction, one-in-eight (or however many people on RE read it and don’t feel the same) of year audience will have the same reaction, I think. (b) Tre’s emotions, I think, are not strong enough. I don’t feel his regret strongly enough, imho. I think the pay-off would be much more powerful if we learn about what happened with his daughter much sooner. Also, I don’t appreciate being led to sympathise with a child-beater for it to be revealed that late in the story. There’s enough tragedy in that aspect that I think you could reveal it much earlier and still have people read on. (c) Because of how Tre is set up, and I think there is a lack of clarity around him feeling weak and powerless (I didn’t get that impression early on) I didn’t believe his lack of reaction, his fear when the guard was beating his daughter. I have a daughter (23 now). Tre is a violent man already, and we are told he loves his children – I don’t feel these things add up to him standing back. I would need to feel his fear of the soldiers much more strongly at the beginning, I think. (d) The children still loving him after the beatings, and reassuring him, feels part to me, author intervention for story purposes. Also, I don’t see it adds. (e) Dialogue tags and paragraphing. These things add up to make the long dialogue sections hard to follow. There’s no need for all the paragraphing of single blocks of speech. Great story, thanks for sharing. <R>

Ha-ha, so I see that I read this before back in October. I haven’t checked my comments then; fresh approach and all that. Plus, I can’t remember anything from the title, but I dare say it will come back to me as I read. On with it then. I find the use of ‘mad’ confusing, because I wasn’t sure if you meant angry or insane. This early in the story, we don’t know enough for that to be clear. Good opening sentence, but I found the stuff about friends and bit awkward. When I read ‘combat training’, I sigh. I’ve lost count of the number of stories I read on here where people are having combat training or magic training. “This chair was nice, molded cushions and leather covers.” – This word right here – it doesn’t mean anything, it doesn’t convey anything at all, you really need to tell/show us why the chair is ‘nice’. It’s like saying ‘the coffee was good’. Why? Is it warming, strong, weak, cream instead of milk? I’m having problems with the tone. The call to the president is weird. Very unpresidential. If you’re doing this for shock, okay, but it just makes me dismiss the president as a joke. You don’t sell him as being the president because there are none of the trappings, there’s no ‘wow’. He phones the president, they have a chat, ‘Bye, Pres, catch you later.’ Also, supersoldier. You bandy that term around a fair bit, but the story has done nothing to earn it. Why should I accept this guy is a supersoldier just because you tell me he is? “We’re at war” – I’ve really heard nothing to sell me on this, either. The president was really chatty and nonchalant for a leader burdened with the never-ending toll of war. I had to stop here, I was not at all invested in the characters or the set up (what little there was). There’s an awful lot of telling in there and almost no earning the emotions and conflicts that you’re discussing. We’ve seen nothing of what ben’s life is like, what his daily experience is, we’re just told about it. That is not a good way of getting the reader on board, because how can we feel what Ben’s feeling or sympathise with it if we don’t see anything of his experience? I think you need to show us (not tell us) what Ben’s life is like, what life is like in this country; hardship; conflict; battle; threat; death; famine; disease. Or show us how hard Ben is worked, what his capabilities are, how much stress he is under, before you ask us to empathise with him. There’s nothing to empathise with at the moment, imho. You made a comment about subtlety above. That is not a word that I would apply to this piece. Telling the reader this big, glaring facts without showing anything of the emotional or personal cost is not the ideal set-up for subtlety. The point about him being 7 when he joined, and the discussion around it, also was strange to me. How is a 7 year-old supposed to be a cogent and informed decision about something like that? A 7 year-old does not have the tools to make any sort of judgement like that. Notwithstanding that, Ben is being incredibly naive. How was his father supposed to tell him what it would feel like? No one is able to tell anyone how something is going to feel to them, not really. <R>

Yes - seconded.