Tam Tucker

1. Oh Lord, dread sinks in my bones. My broken heart cries out to you. My refuge in the midst of this agony that is ripping my soul apart. 2. Horrified and dismayed by the choices of my forefathers. Mortified by the results that are ruined, oh Lord, look and see. Judge not, and have mercy on me. 3. These dogs that want to bereave me of my life. Like they have of yore. They are enthusiastic in their zealousness. 4. They are content because they have ruled my bloodline for generations; they are enthralled at the downfalls of my family. 5. Oh lord, my soul cries out, "Break the teeth of my enemy." 6. Like rain falling on my soul, I feel a father’s tears. I am awed that your love is sympathetic. 7. You are not apathic to my outrage. That you are livid, and my heart is jubilant about that. 8. Enlivened to make differences, though these dogs circle me like they did you. Yet I am tranquil, for you walk with me. 9. Dogs bark exasperatedly, yet that brings me joy, for I am getting away. 10. With you, they don’t have power over me; I can rest under your shadow knowing I will be different. I can build something that will last. 11. No matter how irate the enemy gets, he can trouble my family no more. 12. My heart cries out to you that you are worthy no matter what happens; even if it's shedding blood under your shadow, it's all tranquil and worthy of your name. Amen.

Thank you, it means a lot.

I got a job! I'll be working at a hospital cleaning rooms and anything else that needs done. Hoping im good at the job and this can last a while.

Well, I have been getting more confident as of late, since significant relationships are growing. I try to be respectful to everyone, and I am learning that that humbleness to some is weakness to others. I am a strong individual; one of my favorite things to do is walk/run with my dog Polly. She loves it, and it just makes me happy to see her so happy. Thinking about going camping and hiking with her and my wife, once I get a job on my days off. I am thinking about going into the direct care path. I have such a compassionate heart, and I think that is where my talents lie. I just care about people, and I think that I will go to work every day with purposefulness, and it would just make me happy.

My caseworker said something along the lines that it sends the wrong message. A interview is about selling yourself. I also do remember reading outloud in English class when we had a sub n after I got done she told me to read it again in my normal voice. Maybe its something like that. I was shocked that I couldn't speak n my friend just screamed at the sub n left. My resume is great its getting me interviews. Just not being hired even by Wal mart of all places didn't hire me.

I still haven't gotten a job, and my caseworker, whom I started talking to last week, praises my soft skills and writing ability. The other lady I talked to from an office told me that I was getting interviews, which isn't common. It's been 2 months, and I think I have had 7 interviews at this point, but none hired me. My caseworker said something that just inherently offends me, but it is probably true. I have a very high-pitched voice for a man. I can deepen the tone of my voice, but it's rough on my vocal cords, and it feels like lying, which I feel like I would forget to do or have to keep up and deal with the inevitable voice cracks. This isn't the first time I have been told this; I did great in trade school, and I got told that I won't get anywhere because of my voice. Which is true; it's unfair and cruel. Honestly, I am really insecure about this and wonder if I did become a full-time writer if my high-pitched voice would annoy people and if I just wouldn't make it because of that. Right now my caseworker worked with me to get a custodian job at a local school, which is an excellent job with great benefits, and it will be the night shift, which means I will be by myself. Gaining experience that I can use. Also, my caseworker told me the truth: interviews are to judge you, and with me coming into an interview sounding like a mouse, well, it sucks, and it's something that I can't change, though I have tried. I am trying to learn sign and wonder if I would make friends with people that wouldn't care about my voice. It feels like I am doing everything right and being judged for something that I cannot control.

I was just thinking about how anytime I went to anybody with the issues that I am having, whether it be depression or trying to build my relationship with my sister. They just tell me to "forget the past." Like I haven't thought about that. Last time I went to therapy to deal with the mess that is my life, that is what I got hit with, and it just did not help. So I stopped going to therapy and just dealt with it on my own, and after going through this recent event, it is normal to go through. Knowing how loved I am, I feel content and hope that the interview I had on Friday will land me a good job with a good company that trains well. Won't yell at me for not knowing something when I had a lot to do already. This is normal life with normal problems, and I am grateful for that. Something I can learn from and be better prepared to deal with in the future. I was also thinking about the past because for the first time in my life I feel like it doesn't matter much. that I am doing the best I can and have the family I always wanted. I also have my pastor, who is a good friend of mine. He encouraged me to forget the past but also guided me through all the problems that the past is bringing to the present. Which is more helpful. The last therapist I tried just cut me off, saying, "That is in the past; stop talking about that." Which I didn't like. i am paying you from the money I made from working to help with this and you tell me to stop talking about it. than i was thinking at that point, "This is pointless and I honestly was busy doing a lot of things and forgot i had an appointment that day and had no reminders (I should fix that habit and not depending on professionals to remind me of stuff.) So I just didn't go back. I do live in a rural area that does not have many autism resources. Well i was raised to try my best no matter what, so that is what I do, and I seem to be getting along fine. At my last interview, I blanked at the first question asking about myself, but after I stumbled through that, I was fine; the rest of the interview flowed, and I took a tour, and they are considering me for inspection, which is great with my experience as a safety guy for almost three years. I think that will be great. They also train, and honestly, it will be a relief to me after working terrible job places for most of my working life.

I got laid off in December. I have been looking for an job ever since. It's the worst time to look a job. I had a interview n when I knew they weren't going to hire. I panicked n just wanted to stop wasting time. That was an awful interview. Im going through a state program for people with disabilities to find work. Hopefully with my 3 years at my last job. I can get a job that pays the bills n something I can do n keep. It's been stressful for my wife n I. Everything is paid for but my in laws are helping, which makes me grateful n disappointed in myself. I know I have high standards for myself. That its not my fault I got laid off.

(Pro 1:8) My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother: (Pro 1:9) For they shall be an ornament of grace unto thy head, and chains about thy neck. (Pro 1:10) My son, if sinners entice thee, consent thou not. (Pro 1:11) If they say, Come with us, let us lay wait for blood, let us lurk privily for the innocent without cause: (Pro 1:12) Let us swallow them up alive as the grave; and whole, as those that go down into the pit: (Pro 1:13) We shall find all precious substance, we shall fill our houses with spoil: (Pro 1:14) Cast in thy lot among us; let us all have one purse: (Pro 1:15) My son, walk not thou in the way with them; refrain thy foot from their path: (Pro 1:16) For their feet run to evil, and make haste to shed blood. (Pro 1:17) Surely in vain the net is spread in the sight of any bird. (Pro 1:18) And they lay wait for their own blood; they lurk privily for their own lives. (Pro 1:19) So are the ways of every one that is greedy of gain; which taketh away the life of the owners thereof.

I wrote something for an hour; I think about doing that each day. If anything, writing helps focus my mind. Furthermore, my stomach has been acting up for years now. My stomach has been in constant pain, and I believe that the stress of everything is contributing to this issue, since it's not just me. I have somebody else that is depending on me. That just made things worse. My doctor put me on antacid pills, and my stomach has not felt better in so much time now. considering walking my dog more and going to the gym.

(Pro 1:1) The proverbs of Solomon the son of David, king of Israel; (Pro 1:2) To know wisdom and instruction; to perceive the words of understanding; (Pro 1:3) To receive the instruction of wisdom, justice, and judgment, and equity; (Pro 1:4) To give subtilty to the simple, to the young man knowledge and discretion. (Pro 1:5) A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels: (Pro 1:6) To understand a proverb, and the interpretation; the words of the wise, and their dark sayings. (Pro 1:7) The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction. (KJV Bible)

Thank you, I will post more once I write it. Ran out of time this morning. I think I will keep posting like this. Should get longer in later chapters for one post. Right now its aspects of Wisdom.

Right now I am in a rut with writing, so I like to take my favorite book, the Bible, and just run with whatever I come up with. Currently, I am personifying Wisdom as a lady, as described in Proverbs, and exploring the entire book through that lens. Here is the introduction that I made.

Im trying to apply for a assistant mail carriar position. Had to take one of those stupid assement tests that I have never been able to pass for the life of me. Okay small town I try a bigger one n inssent rejection. I might get laid off im on the bottom of maintenance n things r slow. I know a person that worked for the post office. I think that is the only opportunity for this job is. I hate ai n these stupid stroming systems. It's hell with a social disability n I just want to cry

This is bugging me a lot, so I wrote a letter, and I don't know if I should send it off or not. whether its too harsh. The whole mess with my biological mother. I just find it disrespectful, and this irks me to no end. I am torn between whether to keep trying and being rejected by my own mother or just give up and allow sleeping dogs to lie. Stuff in parenthesises is me talking to you to give more context. its not part of the oringinal letter.

I've been writing almost everyday now. Waking up at midnight so I can write before work. Polly likes to go for a walk, got a light up collar for her so we r safe. It's cute seeing a yellow bar Bob up n down in the blackness of the night. Which is same color as her fur. It's a nice walk around my small town. Cool air to wake up n grab a cup of coffee n get to work. Writing letters n stories for those i love. I believe things should start small n grow to be big.

I had to face the choice to kick my biological mother out of a little house. My adopted mom owns it n its where I grew up. Well they didn't pay the taxes again along with not paying rent. My mom had to borrow 2000 dollars to pay the taxes. I supported my mom because I think its the right thing to do. I won't tell you it wasn't easy. It wasn't I hate doing things like this. Well now my mom has a heart. After my mother n brother came up to her with a sob story about them having dogs n my brother having to repeat his senior year if they moved out of state. So now my mom is selling them the house. They are having my step dads boss which is a amish man. To pay for the house. Which means co signing n I just don't like it. My relationship with my mother hasn't been great. She is a bitter person n screams a lot. To see the house I grew up in with holes in the ceiling. I also care about respect n not following your word n treating family like a doormat. To be stepped over n used. Also they lived right down the hill n I saw them twice in 2 years. While they will go hour n half to another town to help my step dads daughter. Who they r trying to force me to call my sister.

As for my sister and I, it was a burden. I have always felt the need to protect her and to know the horrific things she went through. I felt guilty for not being there even though it was no fault of my own. There was a moment that I apologized to her for all this, and she said, "It's not your fault." that lifted a heavy burden and made it into one that I can bear, for I am angry at the knowledge that children suffer at the hands of monsters in the flesh of men. Courage is fear holding on a minute longer," and "The courageous man is the man who forces himself, in spite of his fear, to carry on." George S. Patton I am afraid of heights, yet sometimes I have to climb ladders and be on rooftops. It is part of the job that I do, and the fear has lessened over time. It's alright to be afraid; just know that courage isn't a lack of fear but pushing through to the other side despite it. I was afraid I knew the price was high when I was trying to build a relationship with my sister, whose mind is broken like mine by birth and also further broken by the trauma she faced. Now she trusts me and sees me as a perfect brother, and the people she grew up with knowing, unfortunately, are the harpies I talked about in a previous post on here. She has seen them for what they are, which are snakes. I think if I gave into fear, she would stop loving me if I went hard on her and what some will call harsh, which I did, which led to that moment and many more. With time I think she saw that I wanted her to be better and that playing the victim is a foolish thing to do. I did this partly out of love for her and the fact that she wanted to be a mother and so for her child. Also out of anger, I wanted her to win and that monster to lose. Power and control is the center of abuse; it is what controls the whole thing. There was one moment that I would never forget. I It started when my sister went into the bathroom and never came out, so I read the notes she had been writing and saw by the words that it was a final one. The door was locked, but I knew if I put something small and thin in the lock, I could open it. When I couldn't find the darn thing, I panicked and beat on the door, about ready to kick the door in, when my mom found the thing and opened it, and the floor was flooded with water. My sister lay there in a sorry state. In that moment, the only thing I could think and pray was, "This bastard can't win." I stayed by her side throughout the hospital stay, and I prayed a lot, though I could not think of words to say. I was so afraid and angry. She went to the mental hospital, and I kept showing up despite how much she hurt me. So loving someone that hurts you, I kept up the fight, hoping one day she would be better, that she would survive and win. That is the moment I was most afraid of losing someone I love and being broken; that would break me if I lost my sister. Now I have a red-haired niece that I just went trick-or-treating with. Seeing the joy and a child's laughter makes all the awful moments and the price I paid worth it. She is 3 and knows all her letters right now. She is a sunshine in my troubled life, one that makes all the pain and suffering worth it. Our relationship is better now too. I think soon we may go to church together as a family, which is what I prayed for: to fix this broken family. And what a fight it was, but I think in the now and the future that is what we will be: a family breaking the crazy circle and living a life that is our own. As a Christian and a minister, I really want to see my sister be baptized. I believe it's a symbol, not a means of salvation, but it shows what happens in the inner life of a soul when salvation happens and also follows the life and death and raising of Christ. Also since the beginning I have wanted her to come to Christ so we won't have to be separated anymore, and I have told her this in detail, like walking golden streets and eating the fruit of life by the river of life in the new Jerusalem. where there is no pain or suffering, and we will be made whole and our minds fixed. also one of my favorite old songs goes, "The circle will be unbroken; my family will be there, and we will never have to part again." So live your life and don't let fear control you. Be there for people and love them, knowing there is a price to be paid but also knowing that its worth the price. After all, that is what the one we follow did on the cross. That is the example set before us. That God promises in His plan that those that lay down their lives will pick it back up again. Jesus was afraid in the garden. He knew what the price to be paid was going to be. He still went and finished His work, knowing he had literal hell to pay for all sins. that He would be broken and cut off from the Trinity for a moment, but think about that moment of a being knowing the fellowship of two others and that being ripped from Him. That blood mixed with water means a broken heart. His people rejected Him; His father forsook Him. I think you have a high priest that understands what you are going through, and as I have felt His tears on my soul know that He loves you and is keeping a bottle of your tears. that I am praying for you.

It may take time Okay, first off, it sounds to me like something that I was warned about as being a minister. Which is rumors can kill your minatory. So I get that side of it and the seriousness of that. No matter how false it may be. Also, they are having trouble, and people will be people. I don't think anyone is in the wrong here. I think the situation could be handled better. Like explaining these things to you. Adults, especially those in positions of power, are used to being listened to and not explaining anything. Now as a minister myself, just abandoning you at the church is wrong and irresponsible. My advice is to better yourself. I think you learned a hard lesson that people are messy. that the church isn't perfect because it's a group of people. You just suffered loss and are grieving over a relationship that might change forever. It's sad, and it's made harder because no one is allowing you to grieve or process this in any way, just sending you off to college like that will change things. Sometimes the best thing to do is wait. I know how hard that is; trust me, I went through it with my sister doing some crazy stuff that I couldn't side with. I thought that our relationship was over for, like, 3 weeks. That 3 weeks was hell for me, and she still does crazy things every once in a while. Life flows, and things change; relationships change too. I think I heard a story while at Bible school that might help. There was an issue of married couples, ones that married a Missionary kid. ones that grew up over in a third-world country where their parents were working. Well, they were used to touching each other and treating each other as brother and sister. They kept on doing that, which made their spouses uncomfortable. Well, you're not a brother or sister, would be their logic. Right now I think going to college is the best thing for you. Going out into the world to see new things and meet new people will change you, and you will grow. It did me, and I failed in what I wanted to do, but I learned, and God opened a door to the things I cared about most, and I discovered that He gave me the tools to fight back strongholds that have kept my family in prison for generations. God is working. I don't know if you read the Bible, but one of my favorite verses is at the end of Genesis, which says that God will use what is meant for evil and make it for good. Also, since I know you're a reader, I would recommend A Path of Loneliness by Elisabeth Elliot, which is a great book about the changes in life. Also, just a wonderful book called Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, this book is a hard read but will put suffering and pain into a purpose. Both these books helped me see life in a different light and get me where I am now. I hope that I helped you; I am not quite confident that I did. It's hard sometimes knowing this; I just hope that I don't make you mad.

Hello there, its been a while since I posted something on here. i am still working on all the projects I am writing. Also writing stuff that explores the things that I am going through. its been rough but I have been through the storm and i will go through it again. i think writing for me is commutation that I can reach through the pages and say that, "life is rough but its worth living. look around you there are thing worth fighting for." There is an selfish part of me that looks at my family and I just want to achieve my dream to show them that it can be done. that dreams don't have to die. i also write for God even if its not religious in nature, God gave me this gift to hone into a craft. I feel something within me like a fire in my bones, I can't quit writing it calls to me always. i love writing and books and life is good and so worth living. I am glad that i have seen the other side of the storm and live to tell tales. May be provide a person with hope and the will to see another sunrise.

Thank you; that means a lot. She is happy I bought a house that was cheaper on the low end of over 100,000; I can afford the mortgage, though it's over half my paycheck. What can you do in this economy? I got a dog that is my baby. I have been living a dream of mine since I could dream. A small happy family, my wife and I are a couple that is crazy enough to still hope. There have been things I had to give up, like children; with how my wife is, it wouldn't be good for her to get pregnant. So I made sure that I couldn't have children, though I want children. I just couldn't put my wife through that and have such high chances of her losing the baby or the baby suffering from her meds or our genes. I love her too much, and in fact, I love my children too much to do that to them. I got my niece from my sister, and I am writing letters to her, trying to encourage her to learn to read as soon as possible. Just talk with her, encourage her to live in the now and be a child, but also respect her and talk with her as if she is a grown woman. If this relationship grows and she keeps my letters, she will read them as a grown woman. So I got a child to invest in and love. I am her uncle, and that is enough, hoping that I will be the wise uncle that she calls on when she needs help with anything.

Yes, it does make sense. Loss is loss; it still brings grief. It is messy, as divorces always are. They are no fun for anyone. I hope for the best in this situation and wisdom to deal with the problems that will occur. Bringing this up—I know I said I am married a lot on here—the truth is it's a religious marriage. which means I went in front of my church and said vows to God, my wife, and my pastor. in front of many witnesses. In my worldview, that is locking into a covenant. As the OT has it, those are serious things, and it's against the Mosaic law to break a vow.I don't believe that we are under the law in this age of grace. I believe that God is a god of knowledge and order. Breaking covenants does not bring order to anything. The government and the law see me as single, though. It's a choice I made due to my wife being disabled, and we couldn't afford to be legally married. Her meds alone would be eight thousand dollars, and I have a good job, yet I couldn't afford that every month. I have been told that I am going to hell for doing this, that it's a sin. That hurt a lot, though I don't believe it, but being threatened by the worst fate in my worldview—that hurts deeply. I am an independent fundamental Baptist, which means my church is on its own but does not have to answer to a board of anything. The Bible is our code, and the only thing we follow, as we think made-up man's rules are dumb and pointless. So I am not consulting anyone while relating this is me and how I believe. Do you think being religiously married like I am is right or not?

Thank you. Everyone is kind on here. It's nice to be heard.

Trigger warning, I talk about the death of my dads and I talk about God. Also, drugs and neglect of babies, and serious life-threatening situations I was in. I want to talk about something that happened in the past, like 2020. That was the year that I lost both my dads within 2 months of each other. My adopted dad died of cancer. I took him to the hospital, and he never came back out. He was gone in 4 days, and we weren't allowed to see him since it was in April, and no one had a clue what was going on. He was my hero, the one who raised me into the man that I am now. I miss him all the time and look forward to seeing him again one day, where we never have to part again. One time, he told me he had a dream of holding a baby in a room full of weeping people. He told me that God was telling him that if he didn't take care of me. I was going to die. I have had this scar on my leg always has child. I was told that there was a window pane leaning in a closet. I climbed on top of the window. I fell through it and started screaming. Told that I was bleeding all over the place. My young mother, who had me at 16 freaking out, wrapping me in a towel, trying to stop the bleeding while taking me to the hospital. She lost me after that and later on gave me to the people who adopted me. I really do believe that after I stopped breathing on my adopted dad had to rush me to the hospital. If a similar thing like the glass situation happened, I would be dead. You know that was the kind of person my dad was, the kind of person to crawl into an oxygen tent for a confused, scared baby. He was a kind, flawed man whom I always respected, and I hope he is at peace and looking down on me with pride in his heart. Maybe I should post the poem I wrote about him, called Father's Son. Now, my biological father was messy. He was trying to cross a highway and got hit by a work truck. One of the pickup trucks has toolboxes in the back. So I am with my biological mother going to the hospital to get there and find out that this group of women I will call the Harpies got there first and lied, saying that they were his sisters. These Harpies are screeching at the top of their lungs about things that still make no sense. The ugly truth is that they were just using him for his money, which he got from the government. All to feed their drug addiction, after he is gone, I guess they lost their house, and the only thing I have to say is you reap what you sow. Anyway, enough about the Harpies, just know that they made this whole situation pointlessly dramatic and complicated than it needed to be. That's because of them I didn't get to grief the little I had with this man. My relationship with my biological father was barely there. I tried, I even visited him in jail and wrote letters trying to make something. He would always go back to drugs. I'm writing this because I wonder if I did the right thing. I believe that everyone deserves respect when it comes to death. No one should die alone. Out of respect, I was there for a man who was never there for me. Does that make me a better person? Is there even such a thing? Is it just that I value respect so much that I put my feelings aside and respect a life that was, and the grief over the things we never had? Did I do the right thing?