Tam Tucker

1. Oh Lord, dread sinks in my bones. My broken heart cries out to you. My refuge in the midst of this agony that is ripping my soul apart. 2. Horrified and dismayed by the choices of my forefathers. Mortified by the results that are ruined, oh Lord, look and see. Judge not, and have mercy on me. 3. These dogs that want to bereave me of my life. Like they have of yore. They are enthusiastic in their zealousness. 4. They are content because they have ruled my bloodline for generations; they are enthralled at the downfalls of my family. 5. Oh lord, my soul cries out, "Break the teeth of my enemy." 6. Like rain falling on my soul, I feel a father’s tears. I am awed that your love is sympathetic. 7. You are not apathic to my outrage. That you are livid, and my heart is jubilant about that. 8. Enlivened to make differences, though these dogs circle me like they did you. Yet I am tranquil, for you walk with me. 9. Dogs bark exasperatedly, yet that brings me joy, for I am getting away. 10. With you, they don’t have power over me; I can rest under your shadow knowing I will be different. I can build something that will last. 11. No matter how irate the enemy gets, he can trouble my family no more. 12. My heart cries out to you that you are worthy no matter what happens; even if it's shedding blood under your shadow, it's all tranquil and worthy of your name. Amen.

Thank you, it means a lot.

I got a job! I'll be working at a hospital cleaning rooms and anything else that needs done. Hoping im good at the job and this can last a while.

Well, I have been getting more confident as of late, since significant relationships are growing. I try to be respectful to everyone, and I am learning that that humbleness to some is weakness to others. I am a strong individual; one of my favorite things to do is walk/run with my dog Polly. She loves it, and it just makes me happy to see her so happy. Thinking about going camping and hiking with her and my wife, once I get a job on my days off. I am thinking about going into the direct care path. I have such a compassionate heart, and I think that is where my talents lie. I just care about people, and I think that I will go to work every day with purposefulness, and it would just make me happy.

My caseworker said something along the lines that it sends the wrong message. A interview is about selling yourself. I also do remember reading outloud in English class when we had a sub n after I got done she told me to read it again in my normal voice. Maybe its something like that. I was shocked that I couldn't speak n my friend just screamed at the sub n left. My resume is great its getting me interviews. Just not being hired even by Wal mart of all places didn't hire me.

I still haven't gotten a job, and my caseworker, whom I started talking to last week, praises my soft skills and writing ability. The other lady I talked to from an office told me that I was getting interviews, which isn't common. It's been 2 months, and I think I have had 7 interviews at this point, but none hired me. My caseworker said something that just inherently offends me, but it is probably true. I have a very high-pitched voice for a man. I can deepen the tone of my voice, but it's rough on my vocal cords, and it feels like lying, which I feel like I would forget to do or have to keep up and deal with the inevitable voice cracks. This isn't the first time I have been told this; I did great in trade school, and I got told that I won't get anywhere because of my voice. Which is true; it's unfair and cruel. Honestly, I am really insecure about this and wonder if I did become a full-time writer if my high-pitched voice would annoy people and if I just wouldn't make it because of that. Right now my caseworker worked with me to get a custodian job at a local school, which is an excellent job with great benefits, and it will be the night shift, which means I will be by myself. Gaining experience that I can use. Also, my caseworker told me the truth: interviews are to judge you, and with me coming into an interview sounding like a mouse, well, it sucks, and it's something that I can't change, though I have tried. I am trying to learn sign and wonder if I would make friends with people that wouldn't care about my voice. It feels like I am doing everything right and being judged for something that I cannot control.

I was just thinking about how anytime I went to anybody with the issues that I am having, whether it be depression or trying to build my relationship with my sister. They just tell me to "forget the past." Like I haven't thought about that. Last time I went to therapy to deal with the mess that is my life, that is what I got hit with, and it just did not help. So I stopped going to therapy and just dealt with it on my own, and after going through this recent event, it is normal to go through. Knowing how loved I am, I feel content and hope that the interview I had on Friday will land me a good job with a good company that trains well. Won't yell at me for not knowing something when I had a lot to do already. This is normal life with normal problems, and I am grateful for that. Something I can learn from and be better prepared to deal with in the future. I was also thinking about the past because for the first time in my life I feel like it doesn't matter much. that I am doing the best I can and have the family I always wanted. I also have my pastor, who is a good friend of mine. He encouraged me to forget the past but also guided me through all the problems that the past is bringing to the present. Which is more helpful. The last therapist I tried just cut me off, saying, "That is in the past; stop talking about that." Which I didn't like. i am paying you from the money I made from working to help with this and you tell me to stop talking about it. than i was thinking at that point, "This is pointless and I honestly was busy doing a lot of things and forgot i had an appointment that day and had no reminders (I should fix that habit and not depending on professionals to remind me of stuff.) So I just didn't go back. I do live in a rural area that does not have many autism resources. Well i was raised to try my best no matter what, so that is what I do, and I seem to be getting along fine. At my last interview, I blanked at the first question asking about myself, but after I stumbled through that, I was fine; the rest of the interview flowed, and I took a tour, and they are considering me for inspection, which is great with my experience as a safety guy for almost three years. I think that will be great. They also train, and honestly, it will be a relief to me after working terrible job places for most of my working life.

I got laid off in December. I have been looking for an job ever since. It's the worst time to look a job. I had a interview n when I knew they weren't going to hire. I panicked n just wanted to stop wasting time. That was an awful interview. Im going through a state program for people with disabilities to find work. Hopefully with my 3 years at my last job. I can get a job that pays the bills n something I can do n keep. It's been stressful for my wife n I. Everything is paid for but my in laws are helping, which makes me grateful n disappointed in myself. I know I have high standards for myself. That its not my fault I got laid off.

(Pro 1:8) My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother: (Pro 1:9) For they shall be an ornament of grace unto thy head, and chains about thy neck. (Pro 1:10) My son, if sinners entice thee, consent thou not. (Pro 1:11) If they say, Come with us, let us lay wait for blood, let us lurk privily for the innocent without cause: (Pro 1:12) Let us swallow them up alive as the grave; and whole, as those that go down into the pit: (Pro 1:13) We shall find all precious substance, we shall fill our houses with spoil: (Pro 1:14) Cast in thy lot among us; let us all have one purse: (Pro 1:15) My son, walk not thou in the way with them; refrain thy foot from their path: (Pro 1:16) For their feet run to evil, and make haste to shed blood. (Pro 1:17) Surely in vain the net is spread in the sight of any bird. (Pro 1:18) And they lay wait for their own blood; they lurk privily for their own lives. (Pro 1:19) So are the ways of every one that is greedy of gain; which taketh away the life of the owners thereof.

I wrote something for an hour; I think about doing that each day. If anything, writing helps focus my mind. Furthermore, my stomach has been acting up for years now. My stomach has been in constant pain, and I believe that the stress of everything is contributing to this issue, since it's not just me. I have somebody else that is depending on me. That just made things worse. My doctor put me on antacid pills, and my stomach has not felt better in so much time now. considering walking my dog more and going to the gym.

(Pro 1:1) The proverbs of Solomon the son of David, king of Israel; (Pro 1:2) To know wisdom and instruction; to perceive the words of understanding; (Pro 1:3) To receive the instruction of wisdom, justice, and judgment, and equity; (Pro 1:4) To give subtilty to the simple, to the young man knowledge and discretion. (Pro 1:5) A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels: (Pro 1:6) To understand a proverb, and the interpretation; the words of the wise, and their dark sayings. (Pro 1:7) The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction. (KJV Bible)

Thank you, I will post more once I write it. Ran out of time this morning. I think I will keep posting like this. Should get longer in later chapters for one post. Right now its aspects of Wisdom.

Right now I am in a rut with writing, so I like to take my favorite book, the Bible, and just run with whatever I come up with. Currently, I am personifying Wisdom as a lady, as described in Proverbs, and exploring the entire book through that lens. Here is the introduction that I made.