issue one!
the cassette player and the tape came out of nowhere, there was no explanation of how it was found!
predictions before finding out - Bayley had serious argument, but nothing more. "the diner" as they call it, only mentioned one other person's presence, and that was the waitress. as far as the information is provided, we can only assume he's alone in that diner in the time that the scene is taking place. but also, the "Date" could have been fabricated over text as a means of trying to bait him over there, this would mean that the date had been scheduled same day, in the case that she was kidnapped long before the date even took place. this would contradict the tape that they heard the message from the anonymous criminal who stated that they where there, but it would make sense if they set it up themselves instead of be there acting a distraction as it would seem to be on the surface.
*
Reads further -
okay, we have a second interrogation with the manager over Ms.Morrison, it ends, but then it jumps to the next scene without telling us where this next scene, how we got there, we kind of have an idea why he's there, but the jump felt very subtle and bumped me.
after the family interrogation, I'm starting to think that the twist that I see coming is that she has faked her own kidnapping so that she can be with some new secret lover.
also, we have had 4 interrogation scenes now with little result, not much has happened to progress the plot but that one thing that keeps happening over and over, and its starting to feel a little stale.
Reads further more- done
so the twist explained the first perceived flaw in your writing. that was an excellent short story. though the female character at the end was just the end goal, instead of an actual character. this is hard because its like, well, that was the end of the story, yay, we found her, the end! she didn't help us find her with who she was though.
his friend "Keith" felt abandoned. I've seen that before, both in fiction and in my own experiences IRL.
however, "Feeling married to his work" also came up in the story.
Keith felt abandoned
but Max Felt married to work
But neither of these felt like a thematical choice that resonated around the story in a connected way. though they where two perspectives that could have connected together, where the winning perspective could have been, "Feeling married to his work may cause harm for some, but it benefits those who, - would hurt if he was not busy in this way."
the good?
I liked that you used his mental observations of the information that you had already provided. I was trying to do the same thing as an audience member, but you still managed to twist my ability to predict where you where trying to go with this.
now you did call the story
"All your fault"
and you almost made Keith bring that extra bit of compelling theme to the table. but the character only challenged the protagonist with his skills while recognizing them, and only challenged him morally with his last dialog, that also felt like a monolog, that Max did try to stop mind you, but you wanted that character to let it all out in one go damn it!
so instead of challenging the character's life choices and career path, he just says, "you hurt me!" and then dies. he did have the potential to bring more dialog conversation, but it ended up being a villain monolog instead.
how could you have done this better?
I have picked out themes that you kinda played with, probably without knowing that, that's where you where going. you had a good idea for a theme or two, but then didn't see the strength that you could have expanded on further. as well as wrapped the whole story around it.
but wait! you did have a theme that you where trying to use.
Keith made Max feel like it was his fault, and pointed that out in the tape. "I bet you wish you where here to stop it"
however... this goes into a theme perspective that I did present, Keith made Max feel as though he had abandoned Alicia! *gasp
that is all... Good day capp
