Asmodemon

This was a fun chapter to read, even though nothing much happens plot-wise it was great seeing Q. and M. in a normal situation together, just interacting. Recaps: Not a fan of the recapping of the previous book to be honest. It kind of takes me out of the narrative of the scene. I get why it’s there, being the second book and all, and most sequels do a short recap of what came before, but I wonder if it’s really necessary to have that information at the start at all. For old readers it’s either redundant (if they still remember) and if they don’t quite remember and you want to jog their memory you can probably go with less information (such as M. is Q.’s ward, rust happened in Milan, and now they’re tied together). And for new readers the information won’t really mean much at this point, since they’re still getting to know the characters and by giving them less information from the previous book you can incentivize them to buy the first book to find out what happened to get these characters together, rather than spoil the book in a few paragraphs here. Interaction: I really like the interaction between M. and Q., they work really well together. Androids: Nice, having the android tell M. that she was wrong calling the wolves androids. I think that was one of the comments I made with the previous submission of chapter one, so having M. be corrected in story is really cathartic. Options: There are some cool jobs on that list of theirs. Wouldn’t mind reading a story with them doing one of those jobs either Page 10: Typo: Campaingers instead of campaigners.

You could also save those old TMM threads to your hard drive, so even if you decide to have them deleted you'll still have a copy as a memento Bit late to the party on this one, but I remember it fondly from the last time you submitted it. It does read a lot better than last time, but I agree with the others that there are still some rough spots. Wolves: M. identifies the sound she heard as breathing. Why would androids need to breath? Also, not really feeling the tension there, given the fact that M. has a weapon ready for the occasion is very convenient, but not very exciting. Dutch: It's a nitpick, and I noticed this the last time around too, but forgot to mention it, but why did you name the referenced Dutchman 'van der P.' P. is not really a Dutch name.

It’s good being back in these parts again The sibling banter does diffuse it a bit, but it also made him (and N. as well) come across as a childish jerk, not as a sinister mastermind plotting his sister’s downfall. Do you need to have him smirk so openly, or could it be a little more circumspect? For instance, if he were to look concerned for his sister most of the time, but maybe in an unguarded moment showed a darker expression? Perhaps, when N. is going off on a tirade that the president is an unconscionable cremhole, you could have him smirk there. N. would think that he’s smirking because he agrees with her, whereas in hindsight, in book three, the reader would realize that he was smirking because she played into his hand antagonizing the president further. It’s an interesting dilemma you have. On the one hand you have the brother’s behavior, which can be confusing to new readers, and on the other you have N.’s focus on ecology rather than theology, which could confuse existing readers. Personally, I would like to see a bit more of her problems with the religion in this story, to link up more thoroughly with her starting point in AFD. At the start of AFD she has regular sessions with her uncle to talk about theology, and it was the theology she had to adopt in order to be given a chance to come back to her home-world. There was nothing there about having to be in favor of tree-clearing. Another thing is that it is not really clear for now why she’s willing to risk so much (her future with the Guard) to vex the president on behalf of old trees, since part of becoming a pilot is a chance for her to get away from it all. I’m missing the personal stake for N. in this.

To answer the question you asked first, I wasn’t really hooked by the prologue. To me it didn’t carry the weight you want it to carry, and there are a couple reasons for that, which I’ll get into in more detail in a moment. In short, and I’m sorry if this comes across as blunt, it’s because it doesn’t really contain anything I haven’t seen before, the whole thing feels superfluous, I’m not sold on the characters and it’s filled with info-dumps. Tropes: Kais already went into some of the tropes you’re using, so I won’t belabor the point. I do want to add two more. One is the evil stepmother trope (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/WickedStepmother) and the other is “Aerith and Bob” (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AerithAndBob). You have some really fantastical sounding names, and then you have your Emmas and Clarks. It’s a bit jarring honestly. Superfluous: Given the title of the book the main character, whose perspective we’ll probably get into in the next chapter, is going to be the newborn son. Which means we’ll probably go forward about sixteen years? Nothing that happens in the prologue is really that impactful that we NEED to know it right now before going into the main story. Basically a bastard boy is born, the mother is dead and, naturally, his stepmother hates his gut. And some prophesies are made. Telling instead of showing: Right from the get-go you’re giving us a lot of background information on the setting, such as the naming conventions of the country, the warlike history of the country/world, laws of marriage, backgrounds of the characters and their interactions in the past, etc. At this point in the story I’m not interested in any of those things yet, nor are they necessary to understand what’s going on. I’d much rather see those things come up naturally as the story unfolds. The queen acts cold towards Emma? Show us this, otherwise, we don’t need to know at this point. Another example, we’re told the king is a fearsome warlord, but we don’t see it. We’re told how the king feels, we’re told how the queen feels. We’re told that the person mourning her death was peculiar, but there’s nothing peculiar about it. It’s all telling the reader stuff that doesn’t follow from the story itself. Characters: Like I said, not really sold on the characters here, especially the king. King: He comes across as a boorish, simple man, who’s abusive towards his wife. Not really likeable traits, but not all characters have to be likeable. There does need to be some sort of conflict to hook the reader, but there is none. He is the king. Even though his wife threatens to kill the kid, it’s pretty much guaranteed nothing will come of it. He threatens a guard to keep his mouth shut and the guard agrees, because he’s the king. There are dangers to the prophesy if too many things are asked, but the king sticks to the rules. The prophesies try to be foreboding, but they’re so vague and ambiguous that they are annoying. His brother and his brother’s wife are fully on his side, even though he was the one in the wrong. There is no danger, no conflict, nothing. Queen: The queen is clearly upset, and for good reason, but the way she immediately threatens to kill the child doesn’t make her very sympathetic. It also doesn’t help that the other characters we see, the brother and his wife, don’t like her either and we’re not shown why. Brother & Sister-in-law: They gloss over the fact that the king was clearly in the wrong here. Their presence in the prologue is also unnecessary; nothing really happens. Prophesies: I don’t like prophesies much. To me they are often used as a heavy-handed way to artificially create tension, and they’re always the same: vague, portentous, and interpreted by the people who hear them in the worst possible way according to their own fears. These prophesies are no different. Guards? Royalty walk alone: The queen walks back alone with her child, the king walks back alone. There as a single guard in the cabin…that isn’t really how royalty works. There should at the very least be an entourage for the queen and the child. Going off alone is a good way to get your royal line killed. Invisible kid: We’re told in the beginning that the queen is carrying her child with her in her arms, but she grabs stuff, throws stuff, and the king grabs her roughly and turns her to him as if the kid isn’t there at all. Also, why take the young heir to the throne out of the castle where it’s safe? The kid has no business there. Come to think of it, why are they all there in the first place since the newborn kid is already in the castle, why wasn’t the body of the mother taken there as well? Setting: There are things in the setting that I’m interested in seeing more of, just not in a ‘telling’ fashion they way you’ve done here. As Toomsta said, there are hints of India in there and that could be interesting to read about. Right now the prologue, at the very least, needs some work, but it might be better to cut it entirely. It seems to only be there to make the prophesies and we don’t need a whole prologue for that.

I haven’t read the previous iteration, so I’m going into this blind. Tell: It’s a short story, so you’re limited in the amount of words you can spend, but the start of the story has a lot of telling about the setting, rather than showing. There are a lot of definitions, such as the secretions and the third parent, that are just dropped in the first few pages of the story. People who have read the published work won’t need those explained again, and the people who haven’t read the published work won’t care enough about the characters and the story yet for the background information to matter. It also makes for a slow start to the story. Of her home-world: The inclusion of this in regards to the president feels really for a new reader’s benefit so they know that the president is the president of the whole world, not a single country on that world, as well as that he’s not a president of, say, an alliance or federation of worlds as is common in Sci-Fi. It doesn’t feel like a distinction N. would make (and indeed, she doesn’t do so later on), since we are on her home-world, there are no other species around, nor other presidents. By adding ‘of her home-world’ it gives the impression that N. is an outsider looking in, such as how a foreigner for instance would say ‘the king of the Netherlands’, but a Dutchman would simply say ‘the king’, N. should just be saying ‘the president’. Mother: I didn’t really get the impression that she was very sick. Brother: I don’t like the brother at all. The way he seems sadistically gleeful when N. is in trouble makes him seem like an cremhole, or worse, trying to plant the full blame of what’s going on, on her. If he is framing her, there is no pay-off to that subplot as it’s neither confirmed or denied anywhere, and the brother is barely a presence at the end. And if that was not your intent, and the brother is just an cremhole, that too feels a little disappointing as you’re setting up the hooks of a betrayal. AFD: I felt a bit of a disconnect in N.’s views in this story, compared to her views in AFD. The impression I got from AFD is that she was exiled because she vexed the president and was riling up the population against their religion. Here she seems far more religious and her focus is more ecological than theological. Now the shift could have happened due to her contact with outsiders in the timespan between this and AFD, but at first read the differences felt jarring to me. Nowhere on this planet: Love the foreshadowing there. Ending: Nice cliffhanger ending.

I have to agree with Kais on this one, the character of Rey is good, but the story falls a little flat. Lack of tension: There isn’t a lot of tension in dealing with the rodent problem and there is no real stake in what Rey is doing. Whether he succeeds or fails at his task ultimately means nothing as he will still be an apprentice at the end of it. The solution also feels really easy, and while the solution did cost him ‘notes he will never get back’, in no way does this story address what that actually means for him. Can he do less magic now? Did he spent his own life force? I have no idea, so ultimately him losing notes doesn’t matter. Maid-butler dialog: The first part suffers from some maid-butler dialogue. The majus explains things that Rey already knows, which doesn’t really hook me. And what follows isn’t really exciting enough to compensate for the initial dip in tension. Accent or mistake: This is really a personal preference, as I don’t like accents written down, but with Rey I occasionally had difficulty determining if something was a mistake or typo or simply his accent. Snakey: Nice pejorative. Crate: I didn’t really get why Rey had to shove the crate. It only moved a little, but that was enough to generate so many extra ‘notes’ that he thought he would burst? It feels weird. And why would friction generate those notes?

I do like some defining traits early, so I can start with an image in my head, but I don’t mind if full descriptions are added in slowly, since I probably won’t remember most of them if they are just dumped in, but I’ve read first-person stories where you never really get a description other than the image of the protagonist on the cover. So it’s good to know you’re not doing that. You’re welcome. I’m going to try and be more active around the boards again. It’s been quite a while

Good chapter, I really like the world-building you’re doing here as well as S.’s anxiety. It makes for an emotional read through what otherwise would simply be getting from point A to point B. Some additional thoughts as I was reading: Itching: At the start of the chapter the remarks by the other passengers make S.’s skin itch, so S. clamps hands to avoid scratching. Yet in the next sentence S. rubs her (his? What pronoun do you prefer for S.?) hands over her face furiously. One, that’s pretty close to scratching. Two, I think rubbing your face furiously is a clear indication you’re upset about something. It doesn’t really show control or detachment, which is what S. really wants to achieve. Ostracized: The comments towards S. that you show the reader are “Witch”, and “Did you run out of bones”, which seem pretty mild compared to the reaction S. is having. Granted, S. had to suffer through such abuse before and that accumulates over time into a harsher reaction on S.’s side than the individual remarks qualify for, but for the sake of clarity and upping the tension maybe you could show more harsh comments or actions towards S.. Boat: The boat…I have some issues with the boat. At the start of the chapter you say the boat is a long canoe, but I’m having a hard time picturing it. I keep thinking the boat has to be larger. Maybe it’s because it was described as heavy with passengers, or the presence of an awning, or that people can easily sit next to each other, or maybe because it has both a captain and a ‘ruddermaster’. I don’t know. It doesn’t feel like a canoe. Why is the boat taking on water, and why the hell is it even going to make the four hour (!) journey if it’s already necessary to bail while people are embarking? That seems highly irresponsible for a guild-run boat in a time where guilds are being threatened by more advanced technologies. How much trouble can a decent size canoe be in from alligators? So why can’t the people pee over the railing or something? Since the captain explicitly tells them they are not allowed to do it, I infer from that that they are physically capable of doing it without tipping the boat. Failing that, a bucket on board for people to pee in? It’s a four hour journey after all. The boat is filled with people, yet one woman easily pushed it off from the shoreline. What’s propelling this boat? It’s not the ruddermaster, since rudders are the steering mechanism and not propulsion. Is there a sail? Is there a crew rowing? Are the passengers rowing? Are they using currents, and if so, how does the canoe then take on passengers to go the other way? Are they crossing a river or following along a river, or crossing a lake? I didn’t find any mentions of what they were crossing in this chapter. I had to look up that it was a lake in the last chapter. Now that probably isn’t an issue when you’re reading the finished work, so it could just be weekly reader syndrome. So yeah, questions. Dunking: I didn’t get why S. had to be dunked in the water. The checks were happening at disembarking, which S. slept through. There weren’t any for-hires on the boat when the ruddermaster threw S. overboard and walking around wet would only draw more attention to S. later. Also, why would a ‘friend’ dunk a friend in alligator, piranha and anaconda infested waters? Is the ruddermaster trying to lose her job or something? For-hires: Apparently people are accosted by the for-hires when they embark or disembark the boats, yet S. can disembark and leave the area without anyone even so much as addressing her. Even if S. missed the first inspection by being dunked (how long was S. under the water again? Because I’ve seen ‘custom’ inspections and they are never over in the time you can hold your breath) someone should still have seen S. leave the boat. Also, when S. leaves the docks it is in a panicking state, still soaking wet, shivering, running, and yet aside from some people looking at S. funny and looking back to see where the trouble was, S. didn’t get spotted by any authority figures, or the hirelings. Journeys: Journeymen?

As far as I’m concerned you fixed the original issues with being too technical, though it is still a bit long for what actually happens. That’s mostly because you write very descriptively, which I didn’t mind at all. In fact I like the atmosphere you paint of the house and the workshop, it all feels very tactile with not just the visual descriptions but the smells as well. Appearance: Maybe this is a personal hang-up of mine, but I’m having the same problem here as I have with just about all first-person narratives I have read in that I can never really picture the protagonist in my mind. What I got from this chapter is: 25 years old, born female, identifies as non-female, relatively tall, bandolier, coat. That’s not a lot to go on, especially when compared to the care you take in describing everything else. Age of apprenticeship: I like that S. has a dream to aspire too, but I am thinking that given S.’s circumstances (wrong guild, too old, bad reputation in the area for being weird) this dream seems too unrealistic for someone as clear-headed as S. appears to be. S. doesn’t appear to be that naïve, so there should be a reason (something more than just trying to be good at alchemy) why an apprenticeship is still on the table. Maybe S. knows/heard of someone else who was in the same age-bracket and still became an apprentice? Explosion: Did one of the two kidnappers die in the explosion? I think so, but you never explicitly say so (unless I missed that), so I kept expecting the other guy to show up while his compatriot melted away. It really make me puzzled why S. would stand there waiting instead of trying to get away while the opportunity was there. Positioning while melting: I liked the gory visual of the kidnapper melting away, but I was having an issue with the positioning between S. and the kidnapper. When S. jumped off the cart and ‘backed well away’, I took that to mean that S. was getting at least a couple meters of distance so as to be actually ‘well away’ for any lunges or reaches by the kidnapper. Of course the kidnapper could still try and get S. by running, but that’s not what happens: the kidnapper jumps out and tries to grab S., but in my mind there should be more of a distance betweeen them so when the kidnapper tried to grab S. it came across as strange.

Awesome! It's really getting close now

I liked this first chapter. I definitely want to read more of this. Epigraph: The epigraph made me think this was going to be a secondary world fantasy story, but then the first paragraph quickly turns that idea on its head by having Sam work on his laptop during a power outage, and a little later you reveal it’s set in Charleston, on Earth. For me this dichotomy worked really well as a hook. Sam: My first impressions of him as POV character are very favorable. He’s sympathetic and he has an interesting and relatable problem he has to deal with, his agoraphobia. I can’t recall the last time I read a story with an agoraphobic main character. Big mystery: The big mystery of the preternatural cold that disables all electronics is really drawing me in. I love a good mystery, and it instantly seems to turn the setting into a post-apocalyptic world. I’d like to see more of that, but I am guessing Sam is drawn through the circle into a secondary world? At any rate, I’m looking forward to the next chapter.

I am sure there are places where the minutiae of publishing are considered boring, but this forum is not one of those places. Squee away

To refer back to Kaisa’s post about the three camps, I lean towards the first camp that as a writer you should write what you want to write, but with the caveat that you do it well. That means you do the necessary research and the further something is from your own experiences, the more research you have to do. So I am more a mix between camps one and three, but paramount to me is that you as a writer write what you’re passionate about. Like your previous question, no, in and of itself, these situations are not offensive. But they can be, if you do it poorly, if the characters you write are not fleshed out correctly, but are instead stereotypes or strawmen. Without an actual piece of writing it’s impossible to judge whether that’s the case or not. You seem very concerned with giving offense to people, and that is commendable, but don’t let it debilitate your writing. No matter what you do someone could be offended. See Kaisa’s second camp for example. You write Nene and someone from that camp will be offended that you dared write a character from a different social group / gender / orientation / culture. Vice versa, you write only characters that are like you because you fear to give offense and the readers who are looking for diversity in characters will hate your book, because there is none in it. You want to write Nene as a side-character? Do it, and see if your readers think it works in the story or not. You want to write Nene in a more expansive role? Same thing, do it, and see if your readers think it works or not. This feels like taking ‘write what you know’ a little too far. Are your white characters also named after people you personally know or have met? There is no simple answer here, how people name their children differs from person to person. Some people really want to hold on to the culture of the land of their birth or of their ancestors, and will name their children accordingly. Others may fear persecution and will give their children (and maybe themselves too) a name that fits with their new country, so as to blend in. Others may be so happy to be in a new country that they will name their children in honor of the country that took them in and gave them a home. Maybe family tradition is such that names are passed on, from father to son, mother to daughter, and name their children accordingly. Maybe they heard a name or a word they found beautiful and used that as a name for their child. All are valid scenarios, so do what fits with the characters you have in mind.

Yeah, I'm still alive. Still travelling too. Right now I'm in Japan, with two more months in Australia upcoming. Good times. NaNoWriMo is also coming up, I'm going to try juggling travelling with writing 50,000 words in a month. Should be interesting

Maybe if each separate idea isn't compelling enough to be its own novel you could try combining all three ideas into one story

Routine is something I'm sorely lacking right now. It doesn't help that when I do find time to write I spend it writing blog posts to tell the people back home what I'm up to or doing some post-processing on photos to show them what I'm up to. I have no idea how (and if) I'm going to do NaNoWriMo this year... I love the social aspect of Pokemon Go as well. There have been so many campaigns to get people to go outside and just play, or walk, or exercise and none of them worked. And here Pokemon Go does it effortlessly. It's so easy to strike up a conversation with strangers, though I have met my fair share of zombies as well. Some people just aren't interested in talking, but for the most part I've met some really nice people this way. Since I travel solo I mostly meet people in hostels, but with Pokemon Go I've easily doubled the amount of people I talk to For now playing is a bit hard though, since I'm limited to free wi-fi hotspots while abroad (the roaming fees are exorbitant), but working within the limitations is part of the fun too

I have thought about it. Right now I have a couple story ideas with, at its roots, similar magic systems. The practical applications differ across the stories, but since the roots are the same they could all take place in the same universe, just on different worlds. Kind of like Brandon's Cosmere. Right now I'm not quite sold on the idea just yet, since it does limit what I can do per world/story as it must not contradict the 'shared universe' setting as described in other stories, but I have found myself sprinkling hints of a shared universe in the latest stories I have been plotting by including references to two ancient world-hopping species in the myths and legends of those worlds. No actual crossovers yet, but I have some thoughts on how to do that as well. Hmm, maybe I am more sold on this idea than I thought...

I hear you about scenic vacation spots. I've not read much, or written much either, for the past two months and this is not likely to change in the coming months as I'm travelling all over the place. Everything kind of falls by the wayside when you're in a new place every few days and there is so much to explore. Pokemon Go doesn't help much either to get me to write. It's so much fun and I see a lot of cool landmarks by chasing pokestops

I think this first part held the tension pretty well, starting with the three monks. Them saying “a wall is broken” is very ominous. You got me with the opening. The tension did drop a bit after that as we go into Davio’s perspective where you have a lot of name dropping. At times it does feel a bit too much, but on the other hand it also feels fitting since Davio is a clerk and he shows a lot of attention to detail. The tension picks up again when Murio visits for the second time, asking for the white swords and, at least for me, the tension stays good throughout after that. Some random thoughts: Clerk: Interesting that you chose the perspective of a clerk rather than the guards or clergy who have to face the spirits. I like it. Especially since Davio has to maneuver all the different parties into fixing the problem. I also like the different organizations that run around the city, like the Night School and the hints of the Nightwatch. Chair: The chair was ready and waiting when he stepped out…is this like a palanquin or a coach or something? I’m having a hard time getting the image of an occupied chair floating through the city. Politics: Nice and complex, the city feels like it has a lot going on. Will help good Captain Murio to purge these shades? Missing a word here I think. Will you help good captain… Never again will you speak to me in the fashion. This fashion? Torre: Premonition, Torre is connected to the spirit problem. Davio has felt remarkably cold a few times in this part when Torre was near. And at the end he seems too keen to have Davio work on something other than the spirit problem. Looking forward to see if I’m right or not.

I can imagine. I'm going to Iceland first, which is a bit more civilized than the rain forest

I feel the same way, but the thing is I'm going on a round-the-world trek for the next six months, so I'm not sure how much I'll be able to write

For the most part I only have one critical note with this chapter, and it’s the same as the last chapter: nothing that happens in the chapter seems to progress the plot in any way. Lasila buys a dress, and that’s basically it. So yeah, like you said, not my cup of tea. I’d really like to know where this story is going. More characters: There are also a lot of new characters which may or may not return, and you spend a lot of time describing them. Cat: A bird-woman owning a cat…it’s an interesting picture. I think it’s also been a while since you really mentioned that Lasila has wings. A couple more reminders in the earlier chapters might help cement the image more. Lera: Maybe it’s weekly reader syndrome, but I can’t get used to the odd ways the characters address each other.

The point I was trying to make is that to me nothing that Lasila currently worries about is all that pressing. In the last three chapters she's just been living her life and it doesn't appear that there is anything that is going to change her comfortable routine. The fact that it feels like a comfortable routine is my biggest concern. Case in point, her worries about Varinen. She worries about what is going to happen to him in two weeks when he leaves, but given the pace of the chapters so far I got the impression he was going to stick around for several more chapters at least. So for the time being he'd still be part of her comfortable routine. She also has enough money to keep up her present lifestyle. Again that's part of her comfortable routine. She worried about not getting an escort, then Varinen arranges one. She worried about being blessed, so the priest blesses her. What I'm trying to say is that things feel too easy.

Like the last chapter there isn’t a lot going on here and that is hurting the story for me, as I’m kind of losing interest. Your main character Lasila is rather passive and she doesn’t really have any pressing worries that make me connect with this character. Lasila’s worries: Finances: The impression that is being raised is that her family has money trouble, but she has a house, clothes, food on the table, and from the financial talks in this chapter it appears that her money situation isn’t that bad. She has enough money for food, she can get water from a well, and she has a little spending money too. So even if she worries, I as a reader don’t. Varinen: She’s worried for her brother when he leaves, but so far he’s still there and not likely to leave any time soon. So this too is not really something that I care about. Future: She’s worried she won’t find a proper husband to secure her future and her family’s, but she’s still young, not even an adult in this world. The concern here then is ephemeral and not pressing. The result, for me, is a passive character who goes through the motions but has no pressing needs, and per chapter goes from place to place so we as the reader get introduced to these places. Financial consultation: At this point in the story I don’t really care for Lasila’s financial woes, especially since there don’t appear to be any of a pressing nature. That voids the tension in this front. Mythology: While the history behind the Sleeping God is interesting this is not the right place for it. Do we need to know this right now? I don’t get the impression that it’s necessary, rather, I’d more expect it in the last chapter when she went to the funeral of the goddess. Here though it is too info-dumpy when what I’m really looking for is for the story to pick up. Sweet thing: Creepy priest is creepy. Was this your intent? Because if not you might want to change that. Kitten: An odd gift when your sister is concerned about her finances, but I’ll roll with it for now.

Welcome to the group It’s a short prologue, with a POV character who tries to remain hidden and we don’t even learn his name. There’s not much here yet to go off on and I'm sorry to say I don’t empathize with the point of view character at all. With the way that his identity remains hidden I doubt we’ll be seeing this guy any time soon. Motivations: The motivations of the mysterious man come across as weak to me. He wants a guy to suffer, but not a lot, which makes the curse more of an inconvenience than anything else. So this whole cloak-and-dagger bit comes across as misguided and petty. And expensive and risky, if the impressions I got from the start of the prologue are any indication, he’s taking a big risk going to the priestess to get a curse on someone. Why does this guy go through all this to inconvenience someone who seems to have only slighted him? I’m actually surprised the priestess is fine with having her talents used in such a manner, but then again, money is money. Purpose: Whenever I see a prologue I immediately wonder if it’s necessary for the story. Right now I’m not seeing the purpose of it, except to show a bit of the setting and get a guy cursed. Depending on what happens in the coming chapters the prologue might be unnecessary. Magic system: I liked what you’ve shown of the magic system, of summoning spirits with paper to affect curses and the like. I want to see more of that, especially how the curse takes effect. Scene break: A little nitpicky, but there’s a white space on page 4 that seems to signify a scene break, but there doesn’t seem to be a change of scenery, time or point of view, so that threw me off for a moment. City: I’m curious to see more of the city, which seems to be wholly underground. At least the part where this scene takes place. The way there are hidden messages in the graffiti makes me wonder who put the markings there and for what reason. A hidden rebellion maybe? So far the setting draws me more than the character, who feel like throwaway characters in order to get the main story to start. But I’m interested enough to want to see where you’re going with this.