Sir Robert

My manuscript is done so I am already in revising mode. My other beta readers have been too kind, they think I only want praise when what I really want is what I am getting here, hard analysis of problem areas of my story. I won't necessarily take all the suggestions offered here but these reviews are making me take a hard look at each chapter. I already re-wrote my first chapter and am very happy with it thanks in part to suggestions from you and others here.

Wow, again lots to think about here. I knew there were problems but sometimes you get too close to it to see them. This will help and I appreciate it. These first three chapters are my biggest issue so I will probably revamp and start from chapter one with my changes before continuing.

Lots to think about here. I will give it some consideration and again thanks.

Hello all,

Chapter 3 - Tommy finds himself thrust headlong into a battle in this chapter. When he is reading he loves fights, battles and duels. Tommy finds that the real experience is quite different. Tommy struggles to survive the fighting and perhaps struggles even more when he must make the decision to kill or watch an injured man die. Mylva also re-enters the scene and joins Tommy in the fight. This is the last chapter in the book so we learn how Tommy is pulled back into his world as well

In chapter 2 Tommy continues his experience in the book world. He meets the great wolf chief Rendall and gains his first talent. At the end of the first chapter he finds himself on the edge of a battle and finds to his horror that he is in charge.

Chapter 1 Tommy Travers loves books, He doesn't have any friends, doesn't care about sports and doesn't bother with girls. At least not yet. When he turns fourteen is when it all started. As Tommy is reading his greatest wish is granted. He is pulled into the story and gets to meet the characters and live the adventures he has always dreamed about. His first experience is in People of the Plains, a book about a tribe of people who live with, and communicate with wolves. He is pulled in during the hunt of a great buck. Tommy gets to experience first hand the difference between reading and living an adventure.

Sir Robert

For some reason I didn't get your submission on this. Check your PM for my email and send it when you get a chance.

The start of this chapter is a little slow in the first three pages but the writing gets stronger after, finally drawing me in as Rosalin heads out for bread and apples. The first paragraph in particular is a bit clumsy. The idea is fine, it's the wording that could use some work. I get the feeling you are trying for flowery prose on the first page and it falls flat. Later you give it up and it gets better.

I assume the tremor is significant but if so both you and Rosalin brush it under the rug too quickly to give it the full impact. Maybe some more time considering the oddity of it all. The way she reacts makes me think this a regular occurrence.

Another tremor at the end and again she shrugs it off. I guess I just don't see someone being so glib about the ground shaking. Overall though I think this chapter gets stronger as it goes. I found myself pulled in by Rosalin and her story. This was a nice introduction to her and I found her to be a sympathetic character and interesting.

I was struggling with my synopsis until I read a great suggestion from an author. He said to let one of your beta readers write the synopsis for you. You might not use all or even any of it but seeing their opinion on the central themes of your work can be illuminating.

I'll be ready next week.

I really liked the opening here between Tommy and his ‘dirty wife’, a great reversal of the trope of the guy falling into a different world and meeting the love of his life. The stories never mention rolls of fat I did expect her to say something when Tommy spurned her instead of her immediately bursting into tears. The character Tamaska is married to Mylva, they know each other pretty well. The way she talked makes me think the two of them are pretty open with each other and given how the women characters of the village talk to the men it’s not a traditional patriarchal society, so why didn’t she ask him what was wrong? Everyone sees him act differently but no one asks the question.

At the den when he meets the other woman I missed having a bit of description for her, we’re still getting to know the setting so having more visuals to key in on would help a lot. I’m making a guess here that this isn’t the only book Tommy is going to end up in, but even so it would help make this ‘temporary’ setting more real. Since this is also new to Tommy he’d have a reason to pay attention to how the people look.

I felt that Tommy reacted too readily to the voice speaking in his mind, that he and Rendall are connected. He reacts to readily, passively, to everything. It’s all still a wonder to him to be sure, but he’s old enough to realize he might never go home, yet he’s not worried in the slightest. The other characters are too easy on him too. In such a primitive society I’d more easily expect Tommy as Tamaska to be taken to a witch doctor because some demon is possessing him. Instead he also gets a new ability and immediately knows how to use it, which does fall into the trope of the guy falling into a fantasy world, so I didn’t much like that.

The end was a good cliff-hanger and Tommy is afraid he’s going to die. Good, I’ve been waiting for the fear to kick in. In all though it was a pretty good chapter, though it felt too easy in places. I suspect Tamaska is something of a chief so Tommy can ride on his reputation a bit as he gets his bearings, and that’s the reason people aren’t grilling him on his passive and OOC behaviour. As a result I didn't really connect with him except right at the start and right at the end of the chapter.

Thanks Asmondemon, your comments on my first chapter really helped and these will as well. Tommy doesn't worry about getting back too much because he is drinking in the fun and adventure of it all. He is fourteen and still invincible in his mind so worrying about the dangerous possibilities would be OOC. He will definitely need to consider that problem in the chapters to come. Again thanks for the critique, it really helps.

There is something a little off about the first line. Maybe ending with wildly is the problem. The idea is fine but for a first sentence it should be stronger. I do think you started in the right spot. The action draws me in immediately. The fight on the bridge is well described, the inner thoughts of Rosen are also well done and help to give some back story without the dreaded info dump. His silver spear is not particularly awe inspiring. Maybe it's just me. I love magical weapons but his spear is a bit of a let down. As far as I know, its only trait is its faint glow. I expected more. Maybe that is forthcoming?

The magic system is pretty good from what we have learned so far. I like the elemental powers of Rosen and the Achilles heel type of vulnerability. I have never seen internal thought underlined before. I have to admit that threw me off in the beginning. Usually I have seen it italicized but I guess that is just a matter of preference.

The battle with Orchid was kind of boring. I didn't get any sense that Rosen or even Orchid for that matter were really in any danger. Maybe that was your intent. This is a battle we will have to wait for later.

The apprentice Amaryllis I found to be more interesting and even sympathetic than Rosen. Her bond to him which forces her to serve him against her will makes it interesting. I like that twist. Pretty rare to see a protaganist who

has forced someone into slavery. I didn't get the sense that Rosen is an anti-hero so that is a rare combination.

Overall I thought it was a good beginning. If I picked this up in a book store I would probably need a strong second chapter to convince me to buy it though.

Thanks for setting this up. Will we continue to use the same email for submissions?

In chapter 2 Tommy continues his experience in the book world. He meets the great wolf chief Rendall and gains his first talent. At the end of the first chapter he finds himself on the edge of a battle and finds to his horror that he is in charge.

Chapter 1 Tommy Travers loves books, He doesn't have any friends, doesn't care about sports and doesn't bother with girls. At least not yet. When he turns fourteen is when it all started. As Tommy is reading his greatest wish is granted. He is pulled into the story and gets to meet the characters and live the adventures he has always dreamed about. His first experience is in People of the Plains, a book about a tribe of people who live with, and communicate with wolves. He is pulled in during the hunt of a great buck. Tommy gets to experience first hand the difference between reading and living an adventure.

Sir Robert