SmilingPanda19

I’ve been relating to Natalie Jane’s song too much. Intrusive Thoughts is just screaming me.

You know.

One of my big life goals is to fall in love.

When I was little I imagined my future as my career, my home, but even more I imagined someone’s hand holding mine beside me. I don’t want them holding me, pulling me along, or pulling me back. I can do everything on my own, but I want them there with me.

I know I’m young.

I just don’t know.

I see so many people in love or feeling loved and I can’t tell if… I am feeling that. It scares me.

Am I incapable of love?

Am I unlovable?

I don’t know anymore.

I have this one guy in another state. He is just incredible and he wrote me a love letter two years ago right after I moved away and I unintentionally rejected him. About a month ago I messaged him and dropped major hints that I liked him, regretting my decision from before. But he has another girl. He’s got someone else. I…I told myself it was okay. It’s been two years, I can’t expect someone to wait that long. But still… there was part of me that hoped he waited for me…

I know I have a lot of time but… this is big for me. I’m just scared. I’m so so scared. About a lot of things. My friends and family always compliment me on my confidence, outgoingness, and mindfulness, but really I’m terribly insecure about everything, I’m scared to even talk to someone I might like, and I’m mindless I feel empty and alone. I know all those things aren’t true but gosh do they feel like it.

Truth is hard. The truth is really hard. And I’m a big internal scaredy cat. Externally I’m a dumpster fire, but internally I’m such a coward. I have a fire in me. I know this. But I also have a tendency to extinguish it for fear of it getting out of control. 
I don’t know anymore. 
I just don’t.

this started just saying I liked Natalie’s Jane song and it spiraled. Sorry.