julienreel

This is great, thank you! I keep hearing that the story is quite tropey, subconsciously I get this, but on a conscious level I'm not entirely sure what the tropes I'm using are. Like is it the archaic writing style as a trope? The damsel in distress? The out-of-his-depths boy hero? The creepy vampire manor? I'm just wondering if this is what we mean by tropes or if there's a different sense of it. Because yeah, I'm definitely not doing a great job of being unique haha. I really appreciate that point of 'what makes this story special,' it really struck me and made me think. The characters are a problem. I think I just haven't fleshed them out enough in my own mind. I was too caught up thinking about cool tropes or action sequences that I overlooked who these characters are. You should have seen the Count in the first version haha. Yeah, his dialogue could still be more organic. It's funny that G is the character who works the best, because I don't plan on having him around for long. I'm considering getting rid of him entirely and leaning harder into Au's agency and unique character. I think I struggle with modern writing when I'm writing something that takes place in a cultural bygone era. I'm trying to fix it, but I feel pretty lost haha. What do you mean by change up some of the commas and full stops? That's a great point about the tension. Nothing problematic really happens, this definitely is a helpful insight. This is definitely all very helpful. Though one thing, I was under the impression that in dialogue, when a speaker begins a new idea (a new paragraph per se) but never actually stopped talking, then there is no need for the initial ". I could be wrong, but I recall reading this rule somewhere. It could also be an older style thing to do. But I'll look into it. Thanks for all your helpful feedback RedBlue.

Yo this is pretty sick imo. Love the mecha Gundam vibes. Definitely got me interested from the start. as I read: pg 1: Definitely intrigued at what's happening here. I’ve failed her, the thought rose unbidden into his mind. And with that, more pain. But now he has his goal back on his mind again, and with that, he opened his eyes. I feel like there shouldn't be a change of tenses here. The bed he was sitting up in took up most of the room, no doubt was pressed into service for whoever needed it. This sentence confused me. pg 2: “Vitals are weak, but there. You seem to be in good health,” S said. “Which is good.” This seems somewhat contradictory. The pacing is good and I like how you introduced the doctor. “Why, how else did you expect that you ended up here?” I think using a different word than expect would work better here. Maybe, how else do you think... pg 3: I feel like you could mix more beats into your dialogue. Nothing's wrong with it, but it does drag a bit. pg 8: I'm surprised at how fast C recovered, though I'm sure there's a reason behind it. pg 14: Why did S introduce herself with her full name if she only wants to be called by her shortened name? Okay, so overall I think it's great, definitely will be reading this story as you submit it. THe biggest problem I see is with the dialogue, not the dialogue itself but the sheer amount of it. It bogs down the plot and my attention starts to wander because it's all tell and no show. There was nothing here that put me on the edge of my seat but there was a lot that perked my curiosity and made me want to read on. It sounds like a redemption story, and I can see how it has all the trappings of a classic fantasy story but it's dressed up enough to not feel cliche. Great work

1. The things that stood out the most to me were the heart-shaped flower pond thingy and the argument that W has with E at the end. I definitely expect the story to expand on these points. I'm probably not the best one to offer critique because I don't usually read romance, even though I'm a sucker for sappy movies. That being said, I found my attention wandering a lot as I read this. 2: I think you did a great job with the characters. They're definitely fleshed out, which is something I struggle with so props for that. W puts their effort into academics and therefore lacks social/emotional skills; it's a tradeoff. A is a bit enigmatic to me, I didn't really get the sense that they were W's parent until it was stated. I think it would help, as others said, to hang a lantern on who they are in relation to W earlier on. I liked the mom a lot, almost reminds me of Winona Ryder from stranger things. I thought E came across as mature and misunderstood and An is the one I'm suspicious of. N seems strange to me. I think it's great that you have all these characters that come across as distinct, I might have to hit you up for some lessons lol. 3: I mean, the fact that you told us it was going to be a romance from the onset definitely geared my mind into looking at it like a romance, and there is enough mention of relationships and boys and whatnot that yeah, it's pretty obvious. 4: I don't know if the love interest is super obvious at this point, I think it would be 1 of 2 people, but you could easily throw us for a twist as well. Overall, I found a lot of the details mentioned slow down the story for me. It's probably because I don't read this genre. There was enough conflict at the end that it held my attention and made me want to read on, but if I picked this book up in a store, I would probably put it down after the first couple of pages because it's a YA romance haha, which is what you're going for so nothing against your writing.

Hey everyone. I know the first chapter needs a lot of revision still, but I didn't want to get too repetitive so I thought I'd go ahead with the second chapter. A lot of what happens in this chapter was in the first version of the first chapter. Originally, a lot more was going to happen, but the chapter became too long, so I cut it into 2 parts. I'm open to all feedback, but I also want to hear your answers to the following questions: Do you get the sense that the plot is moving forward with this chapter? Is the dialogue less stilted than it was in my past submissions? Are you at all invested in Aurelius as a character (his plight etc.)? Thanks! It's been a real busy last couple of weeks, so sorry if I haven't given feedback on all the other submissions. I am reading them.

Heya, can I get a slot for Monday? I need a deadline to get my butt in gear lol.

Definitely! The dialogue for sure is another thing lol, but yeah I'm not too attached to the archaic style so I'll work to phase that out in time. Thanks!

I was worried some of the more intense tension (lol) would get lost in the revision. I think as long as I make that first page more engaging and the characters more relatable, then I can get away with it. Yes. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense that M should be the POV character for this chapter. I think the characters in dialogue is the most difficult thing for me haha, but with everyone's help, hopefully, it will work out. TBH, I went into this with the intention of having pretty archaic prose, but it hasn't been well received, so I'm trying to change it but clearly it will take some time. Yeah I think it could be more succinct as well, I suppose I thought that to flesh out the characters and explore the worldbuilding, I should do it through dialogue. But I'll see where I can cut out unnecessary comments. Okay, so definitely need more of a character hook in the first couple pages, gotcha. I think I need to brush up on my grammar haha. I didn't think about that haha. Perhaps in the next revision, if Maria is the POV, then I can have it from her perspective that everyone treats her like a fragile doll and it would be more consistent. Yeah, the introduction of Mr. G could easily be smoothed out. p4, basically he's controlling Ma by way of taxes, probably an unnecessary line though haha. I love that idea for the groaning toilet, just dial it back a bit. Very good points. G doesn't believe the Count necessarily, but he's lying to his family (and partly himself) because he sees no alternative of choices. You're totally right about the characters should be clashing more, asserting their opinions; if not aloud than internally. Thanks for all your helpful comments Silk!

Thank you kindly Ace of Hearts. I've gotten a lot of great advice so far and I only wish I started submitting my book back when I wrote the first draft lol. In the first draft, none of this first part existed, but I added it to introduce the readers to the darker aspects of this story early on so it wouldn't be so jarring when later, like in the second or third book it gets that way. The sister wasn't a character in that, but I talked to a friend and he gave me a great idea to create her and have her play a huge role in the development of the plot. I'm going to move on to the second chapter for the next submission but I think when I revise this first chapter again I'll make M the POV, because she is sort of the center of this part. I got a good recommendation from Karamel and Kais about introducing G more organically which I'll use by having A mention his mistrust for the C. Exploring why C is interested in M will be a challenge without making it too expository but I'll find a way. Yeah, I suppose I was just trying to make M more complex with the contrast between how she's treated by her mom and how she's seen by A. Yeah she knows the question is rhetorical but she has an inflated sense of self-worth. He's skeptical because of what G told him, which is something I should mention earlier on lol. I didn't show this very well, but A mentioning his name is more like an undertone of don't call me boy, I have a name and I'm nearly a man grown. He's demanding more respect, which is a very subtle thing that I didn't portray well at all haha. But G sees this and thinks A is in no place to speak in such a way to a Count. I really appreciate that rule of thumb, I think that's great advice. Of course, sometimes things will be said in such a way that anyone could say it, or more than one person, but that is excellent advice for considering how to make the characters more unique and characterized. Thank you! Thanks, Ace, my main focus for this revision was the Count and then as a secondary motivation, making the other characters more present, M in particular. I have more work to be done on that front, but it's nice to hear that I had some success with the Count haha. I'll definitely employ your advice about characterization, considering phrases that only they would say, and even just reading the dialogue out loud. Cheers!

As I read: Chapter 2: Personally, I'm enjoying this chapter. The pacing is good and keeps my engagement up. on pg 5 I feel a bit confused about the elementals and how they work. E seems to be able to control the river elementals to his exact whim. Is it that some elementals are more easily harnessed than others? Or some have more agency than others? And if they hate murder so much, why would they seemingly go along with E and drown these bad guys? pg 6 okay, so partly the rivers want them dead. But why would the elementals care about what these skull and bone guys did? Yeah, they're obviously jerks, but it seems a bit extreme for an elemental to want to kill them for that. So just skipping ahead a bit, overall I enjoy your writing style but I get a bit tripped up at certain parts. Like these Alt's, were they mentioned in Ch 1? Cause I feel like I'm missing something here. And they seem a bit comically bad, which is something I'm guilty of as well. I'd be curious to see where all that goes, but for the time being I feel like the main plot has been sidelined in this chapter. In Ch 1 we were getting hyped for S to go to NUNES and we thought AF and his old school thinking was the problem, and now we're seeing there's a bunch of other problems as well. Not to say I don't like it. Only that I would prefer to stay with the initial issue a tad longer before exploring the various other issues with the society. Chapter 3: Good descriptive opening, really enjoy that part of your writing the most. But I'm confused about these bodyguards. Is valley-port big enough to warrant having spies or worldly bodyguards? That wasn't really the vibe I got from the place. I thought it was a small fishing town that just so happened to be big enough to deserve an ambassador. I'm having a hard time with the good guy/ bad guy element of this story. Yeah, the Alts are obviously jerks; terrible jerks in fact. But when I see S and E react to this group as enemies that need to be taken down, well I wonder if they're any better. They are, but it's still an us vs them situation. I would be much more invested if S believed that the Alts were redeemable and first thought how they could bridge the gap of understanding. Or at least, not paint everyone with the same brush, as they accuse the Alts of doing to them. After reading this chapter (what's done so far) I feel like it does a good job of progressing the plot forward. The descriptions are lovely as well. My only problem is that this chapter makes the chapter before it completely redundant. Which is not a bad thing. But the issue is the same, only this time we see the continuation of the thread from chapter 1. I also must mirror Silk above, like how are the Alts even anywhere near being a part of government if they're basically just a bunch of marauding, chaotic thugs (by the looks of it.)? Not sure what else to add, but I am certainly curious to see what happens next.

First off, yes, I do use Garamond lol. Thanks for taking the time to comment in such detail! Yeah, I find it difficult trying to give space for all the characters without getting bogged down by too slow of a pace. Definitely, the dialogue is crap haha. The father doesn't reproach A because he's in front of him and doesn't see A cover his nose. Yeah the privy scene needs more work, Kais made a good point, and now you are too lol. You make a great point that I didn't put much thought into about pg 8-9. Perhaps the kids don't have so much influence. Perhaps the dad could just steam roll over them. Something to think about. The priestess thing is something they're aware of, mostly they're hesitant about the prospect because of the Count's insistence and the fact that his benefactor isn't mentioned by name. It's just sort of suspicious and out of the blue for the family. But you're right, I could do a better job of fleshing this part out. The religion of the South is sort of Judeo-christian, they're Jesus character is known as Saint Gabriel, and he also sacrificed himself for his people. But the true history is different than that.But yeah, would probably better to have him say, thank the Saint, rather than thank the lord. Cheers! Thanks for all your comments, I appreciate it all. I could make some parts more clear, develop the characters, and improve the dialogue for sure. That's mostly what I'm getting from your critique, so yeah! They're definitely suspicious of the timing, maybe I didn't make it clear enough through the dialogue. It's more like, they don't feel like they have any other option but to stay the night, and the father's trying to assuage his and his family's fears by saying it's not unheard of. Yeah I could definitely trim back some of the scenes. I linger on some of them for suspense purposes, but if it's not working, then they'll have to go lol.

Thanks, Kais, you point out things that I easily overlook. I very much appreciate your critiques, so thanks for commenting! I'm going to continue to try making it less tropey haha. The dialogue is definitely the next piece of the puzzle, but I'll move on to the next chapter for now. Nice, yeah the epigraph always sort of bothered me, and I think that's why. Honestly, I wrote down a little blurb about everyone in the carriage but then took it out because I thought the mention of characters was getting repetitive. But yeah, I'll reinsert it for better clarity. Thanks, I'll continue to improve the sister. Yeah, the motivation is to do business (for the Ls) for the Count, it's to have the daughter. And yes, should hang a lantern on why she comes to the Count's attention. I didn't think about the oddness of him using the privy, but you're absolutely right haha. I'll have to rework that somehow. What you mention about the end there is my biggest concern with the story. The first draft I wrote didn't have this intro part with the Count. It was quite different, and it basically led to A going to a magic school to develop is magical abilities with others. There was no sister, or much motivation really. The main plot occurred at the school. And it was a classic chosen one type trope going on. Now, I wrote this intro because the story eventually gets much darker, and I want the readers to know what they're getting themselves into and make the story less YA. But I have this clash of tropes now, where it starts off dark and gothic but then A goes to a magic school to learn the magic of this world, and I'm struggling to imagine how to marry these two things. I'm thinking of reworking the school or having A get more of a mentor rather than a school experience. But yeah, it's a struggle. Thanks for pointing this out, it gives me a lot to think about. If you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them. Thanks!

Thanks Mandamon. Yeah, I know I definitely need to lean more into why A doesn't trust the Count, because of what his tutor told him. Mentioning that earlier would help, I think. Because otherwise, he seems reasonable, if not a bit creepy. The dialogue is what needs the most drastic change, I think. I think reading it out loud is a great idea. And the more female presence. I hear where you're coming from by making the POV from M, but most of the story does revolve around A. But I suppose it wouldn't hurt to mix it up, as I think having chapter POVs from M and A is what I'll end up doing. I mean, it has the wrappings of the male rescuing the weaker female, but I assure you it won't pan out like that at all, though it's A's goal. I think my biggest problem will be as Kais mentioned, that my tropes will clash. I'm trying to set up a 'chosen-one' esque trope, but I also have this gothic, horror thing going on. And I'm struggling to see how I can marry the two. But anyways, thanks for your comments, always helpful!

Yeah, definitely could improve the dialogue, that's something that I didn't spend enough time on during the revision. I think that would make the characters less 2-dimensional. I like your idea of having M speak up earlier! And definitely need to rework the mention of Mr.G, I just threw that in wherever, but it could definitely be more natural. Someone suggested mentioning his concerns about the Count at the same time. Right, I tried to have this come across as a harsh whisper. And yeah, you're right, they are probably more upper-middle class. But with the disparity in the Kingdom between rich and poor, being middle class is already much better than we would imagine it. Yeah, I wanted to characterize him as not necessarily evil, but perhaps with a shifty moral compass. Like he's willing to disregard other people's values for his own sake, but he doesn't want to pointlessly hurt people either. Yeah, and hanging a hat on the question that is obviously strange, but is more the Count probing for M. Haha, it was you who recommended the blend! Yes, I love it. Thanks, karamel, yeah I think most of my effort in this revision was to make the Count more reasonable. Because, in the end, I don't want to write a black and white, good guys vs bad guys book, I'd prefer it to be gray.

Hey everyone, this is the first revision of the first chapter of Legend of the Four-fold Kingdom. I took everyone's advice and applied it as I could. There's still more work to be done, but let me know what you think. No gore or sexually suggestive content this time, just a bit of violence and language. In fleshing out some of the characters and altering the scenario, I had to cut the chapter shorter than the first version, so I hope that doesn't take away from it. Is the pacing still alright? Is the first page too slow? Is the situation realistic enough? Are the characters represented well enough? How bad is the dialogue/word usage? Would you read on if you opened this book?

I liked this submission, and would definitely read on, regardless of what the genre is. 1. Definitely engaged, good tension and mystery. 2. Well, I was confused about what B is and hoping that it would be revealed by the end of the chapter. 3. I don't think the prologue is necessary, but I liked it. I think that if what you're doing is setting up the main antagonist and source of conflict, I think you could rework it. I kept thinking about Game of Thrones, how the prologue introduced the White Walkers and was thrilling, but then jumped back to the main story. I think if your aim is something along those lines, then we should clearly see that the POV is an antagonist, not only a jerk. In this current prologue, it makes me think I'm going to be reading an action thriller where the line between good and bad is hazy and that the POV will be the MC. 4. Dunno what you're talking about. 5. Yeah I'd read on, I enjoyed the style, what with the suspense, tension, mystery, etc. Overall, I'm not sure what to add; I liked it, but I would feel tricked if the story jumped to a plain romance. I'm sure there would be elements of action, but maybe not enough for what it feels like this prologue is setting up? But I dunno, I'd have to see the next chapter to make that call.

Can I have a spot for next Monday please?

Y'know, I definitely agree with what a lot of people are saying. Overall, I was curious enough about this world to want to continue reading. I think there are some very cool concepts here, solar-barge-tech-ladies, elemental powers, post-apocalyptic world. Possibly a water-world-esque vibe going on here? So, on that side of things, I'm invested, but as for the plot and characters, I'm leaning towards what other people are saying. There's a lot of little info-dumps that I don't particularly mind but can distract from the pacing of the plot I think. Like, we know that S doesn't want to become an ambassador and get wrapped up in that world, because you told us, but I want to see S show that. Maybe an interaction with the mom or even an elemental? As for what convinces S to actually join the NUNEs, I felt it was a bit limp. I guess it's like what Kais said, we don't get a sense of what S cares about so it's difficult to believe in their choices. As I read: pg 1: Like the intro; mysterious and compelling. The invitation is interesting, but I fail to see why S would represent their mother or how S really feels about it, besides mild irritation. pg 2: I'm torn about the info-dumping, it makes me curious, but it feels forced and slows down the plot and characterization. Also would've liked to see E play a bigger role in this. pg 3 - 4: I enjoy reading from the perspective of a non-binary person, but I feel the use of their can be confusing at times. I thought E was S's brother on this page when you wrote, 'like their mother would.' Don't really get a sense of S or E's concern about Amba-F, or that there should be any concern. Like the idea of the solar women living on barges. Still, too much telling and not enough showing for me to get really drawn into the flow of the story. pg 5 - 6: stop doubting. Stop avoiding us. Your survival depends on it. I'm listening. I enjoy the description of the boating, but I think the name of the boat, the explanation of it being an heirloom, etc. was unnecessary. I like that we get to see the use of the magic. pg 7: elementals be scary. pg 8: Why does Amba-F just seem like a crotchety old dumby? I feel a bit bamboozled that he wasn't even in trouble. pg 9 - 11: So the threat is that war could break out between scientists and mages and then the M would kill everyone. I don't get why the M would kill people over killing each other. Pollution, sure, defacement of natural resources, absolutely, but why killing each other? I think this is the turning point of the story, the impetus for S to accept the Hero's journey, but I think what's lacking is the sense of urgency or conviction. Amba-F seems like a silly old man, but I don't feel threatened by him. S has good values, but I don't feel reassured by them. pg 12: I feel like that was an abrupt end to the chapter. Okay, so S decides to go. Why is the mom retiring? Why should we cheer for S? Why would anyone listen to dumb, old Amba-F? I think there could be a better inciting incident to lead S to the NUNEs. All in all, I like the concepts, I dig your descriptions (most of the time,) and I'm looking forward to seeing where this story goes. But I also feel like info-dumps are bogging down your story, as well as lack of conviction/emotion in your characters, and the sense that the stakes aren't really that high. You can tell us they're high, but I won't believe you unless I see it. Cheers, Shatteredsmooth, looking forward to more of this story My critique pointed out what I saw were flaws, but on my first read, I could mostly look past the typos and clunky bits, and was engaged enough to want to keep reading.

Thanks Karamel, your comments/notes about POV, wordiness, and pacing are very helpful! I think I'm guilty of rushing the story at times when it's not necessary and forgetting the importance of suspense. I have an idea of making the count more reasonable and charming in the revision, so I'm happy to see that sentiment mirrored in your review. I'm taking everything everyone's said into account, and I'm excited to overhaul this chapter! thanks a bunch for your input

Thanks Ace of Hearts for commenting Yes, definitely I need to spend more time on the characters, and show what's happening through them rather than tell. It's great to see my story from other perspectives to note what needs addressing. I did get carried away with the descriptions and I didn't even realize! So that will be trimmed up. I've got some ideas about making the whole dinner invitation and scenario more realistic and to better show who A is and his motivations. The whole fat evil person trope is not something I did for the sake of having that trope, I can see that it doesn't land well so I'll change that for sure. Really, all I was thinking was what sort of body type could a giant demon hide within, and that's what I landed on. But I'm sure there's some subconscious cliche action going on there. I appreciate these things being pointed out, so thank you. Definitely agree that A should come off more worldly and understanding of adult matters than he does, which gives me some ideas to work with. Funny you say that about the eating human flesh thing, that was my intention in the beginning, but I was too lazy to see how that could fit into the story so I nixed it haha. I'll have to create a better reason for the dinner. As far as the family's concerned, he's inviting them to dote on their excellent wine and perhaps propose a business venture. In reality, he just wants the daughter to send to his master. And speaking of which, spoiler alert, in actuality the reason they're collecting the girls is not for anything explicitly disgusting, they're searching for potential priestesses according to their prophecies. And I did a pretty myself a disservice by making the C overly evil, because I want the whole 'good guy, bad guy' trope be much more gray where the readers lean towards the 'bad guys' just being bad, but later in the novel see that they're not evil, maybe lacking empathy, but they have their own idea of what's right that they're striving for. The sister going missing won't be a damsel in distress, much the opposite in fact, though A thinks that's the case. And the whole staying the night thing, I'm going to change that somewhat, thanks to comments from other readers. These are all great points that I'll be able to clear up in a revision. The prison is over the top, I would say it's even unnecessary. I think doing something more like in Bram Stoker's Dracula would be better, in which the Vampire basically tells the MC that it's too dangerous to leave his home due to wolves and the such, but gives him the choice to do as he pleases, and then the imprisonment escalates from there. It's not actually imprisonment in that story, but the looming threat surrounding him is enough to create a sense of imprisonment. In the revision, I'm going to nix the importance of A to the count, in fact, I should like it if A is almost irrelevant to the count. I'll do away with that whole feeding on despair element as well, I'm sure I can create something much more interesting. Also introducing G earlier is something I've seen recommended a few times, and I think it's a great idea. And you're right, probably commoners would be more inclined to believe the count is a demon rather than educated types. Hey, thanks so much for taking time out to read my story and comment on it, it's been very helpful.

Thanks so much, Mandamon. I will definitely put more consideration into my tagging for the next entry, I was much too blase about it. It's always good to have the problems reiterated from different angles,so thank you for taking the time to jot down your thoughts! In the revision, I will change things up to lend more credibility to the choices of the characters. I don't want a black and white bad guy, so that's going to change. As well, M will play a big role in this story, so I'll put more effort into characterizing her early on. Thanks for the advice on comparing the characters reactions in other similar stories, I think that's a great idea.

Thanks, C_Vallion! Yeah, I did mention that it goes in more of a YA direction, but that's not my ultimate intention lol, which is why I wrote this part of the story. In the first draft, there's really no gothic vibe to speak of, or any sense of horror, but because I know further down in the story i want it to become more like that, I thought I'd set that expectation for the reader immediately. I know I'll have to do a major overhaul of tone for this story, but I'm still uncertain of which direction to go in: more gothic, or less gothic. Your comments about the wordiness, characterization, pacing, and all that is much appreciated. I'm definitely taking in everyone's feedback and will put it to good use. Thanks again!

Definitely agree with all this, thank you. I've been given a tonne of inspiration for my next revision thanks to all the helpful comments made by this community. Your idea of building up the middle more is especially appreciated, and of course, building up the other characters more. The trope about the count being fat and evil wasn't entirely intentional, I made him fat so that it would make more sense that a massive demon could be hiding within the skin, but I'm sure I could do this some other way without getting too cliche. I know now, from you and others, that these are all key aspects that need addressing. More interaction from the daughter, some more unique motive from the C, less on the nose about the whole situation. I was actually thinking A being a vegetarian would fit into why he was spared, but I sort of brushed over it without any thought, so I'll flesh that out in the revision. I'll cut out the last POV, clearly it's irrelevant, I guess I was just hanging a lantern on the fact that no authorities were actually alerted of A and G's escape. Yeah, and trimming the heavy use of adjectives. Yes, I like the gothic vibe, I'm in part inspired by Book of the New Sun and also the manga, Berserk; both have a clear gothic/fantasy tone. See, when I say the rest of the story is more YA, it's just an unfortunate situation, I have no intention of making the story YA, I want it to be more adult fantasy/gothic. But my first draft was very much YA style, and I kept to a majority of that story line, which I think you'll see doesn't fit very well, but with everyone's help, I'm sure I'll be able to smooth it over. I'm caught in this training montage style arc where A goes to a magic school to realize his true powers, but the main plot (his sister's been kidnapped,) sort of gets brushed over until the very end. I could see that being annoying for the readers, as a side plot takes over from the original, main plot that the readers would expect pursued. We'll see how I can consolidate that. I'm sure I could have the magic school and still fit it into the gothic vibes by adding and subtracting certain things, but wow, haha I get to realize how far this story needs to go before it's at all good. Thank you so much for your input.

Haha thank you for your feedback, it's great to have these flaws pointed out. Unfortunately, I'm not trying to write a silly trope book lol, nor is it specifically a gothic horror. I wanted to illustrate the darkness of the story; in my first draft I didn't have any gothic elements, but I'm wanting my story to have more adult themes, so I thought I'd start it off with more horror so that readers know what this story will contain. The rest of the story is more like an innocent YA fantasy book. So there's a clash I'm looking forward to having torn to pieces. Probably doesn't help that a lot of my inspiration comes from comic book-type stories. Great stuff! Absolutely having more depth M at least and giving the mom a name shall be done. Sorry, there are no vampires lol. Great advice on avoiding the dumps and doing it through the character interactions. I suppose my first job for this chapter is to make it less tropey and more reasonable. Hahaha, yeah pretty cartoonish. I'm thinking now about how I can make this less cartoonish. I think I was reading Dracula when i wrote this, maybe I should draw more inspiration from that. Because that getaway at the beginning was great. Hmm, lots of work to be done. But yeah, I should make it more clear that the mom is present there, I thought I had her say something near the beginning, but probably didn't have enough substance to be remembered. Wait, I know what happened. I only referred to her as the Mrs. L, which could have been confused as the sister. Truuuue. I appreciate this, I could do a better job of introducing the tutor as missing earlier in the chapter, which would add to suspense too I think. Yeah, a lot of the characters talk like cartoons you'll see and have seen I'm sure lol. Making the subtle tweaks to dialogue was going to be a later task in my editing process, but it is duly noted as a glaring weakness. I did not have a tag, I wasn't sure where the implied rape fit in, but you're right, it's unnecessary. I'll add an S tag and remove it from the next edit. In my mind, the reason the tutor waited two weeks to break out was that he had to carefully time when he would chip away at the wall to make his notches and eventually climb out. He had little strength and sustenance too, which I could demonstrate better. Yeah, I think that adding a scene where A tries to go back for his family but Mr. G stops him would make sense then them just leaving. Like, why would A believe Mr. G that his parents are dead? (spoiler, they are.) Phew, thanks so much for your feedback Kais, it's given me a lot to think about.

Thank you for your feedback! I definitely agree that M needs more character development, and as Kais said, I should explain more of what's going on through character dialogue rather than telling. Tbh, it's sort of that but also not. Honestly, my grandiose plan probably fails the readers' expectations. This story is meant to be something of an epic fantasy spanning 3-5 books and basically, the rescue mission gets skirted around and delayed because of the circumstances A finds himself in. Also, in future drafts, I plan on making POV chapters from M's perspective to help develop the plot and motives of the characters. Absolutely agree. I will definitely beef up that whole event to make it more realistic and understandable. Haha yeah, I've never heard of the sexy lamp test, but this is terribly accurate. I guess what my plan was with writing this draft was to get the plot down and then go back and flesh out the characters. I know that it's not good practice to have the plot dictate the characters, which is why I started with generic, vague motivations for the characters that I can beef up later. Really grateful for your feedback, cheers! I think this story will definitely disappoint you lol, but I think with your's and others' help, I can shape this clump of dirt into something worth looking at.

I am also very late to this party, but wanting to tag along for the entire ride. I enjoyed this chapter, the writing was engaging and interesting, not too flabby or confusing. I like how you paint a picture of the setting and characters with the minimal expo required. One thing that confused me is why Y would go along with S and her desire to go and do who knows what with his ship. pg 1: "...instead the data inserted themselves into the transmission feed, were recorded, and promptly buried under..." this sentence confuses me a bit. Is the data an organization? Is the data sentient somehow? Maybe it's because I'm new to this world. I don't have much criticism to make, it's snappy and compelling, and I understand S's motives--clearly, she's trying to understand where she fits into the universe.