Penance
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Posts posted by Penance
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I thought it would be fun if we would all post the names of the stories (novels, novellas, novellettes, short stories) we are writing, plan to write, or have written. The idea is that people can say whether they would take a book with that name printed on the spine off the shelf to take a look at or not. And we can also make reccomendations for slight changes.
So here's my list:
A Clash of Beings (Trilogy)
The Winter Wars
Light’s Champion
A Hope for Stone
The People of Indura (Collection)
Sword over Spell
M
King Captain
Foundation Sentence
Earth and Steel/ Steelwar/ Goldsteel (Can't decide what to call this- tell me which you like most)
Kill for Salvation
Death Incarnate
Facial Paradoxes
Narcissus
He
The Other Humans
I’m Not a Witch!
Tell me what you think!
----------This is just me as a consumer------------
Would pick up off the shelf:
A Clash of Beings (Trilogy)
A Hope for Stone
The People of Indura (Collection)
King Captain
Foundation Sentence
Steelwar
Kill for Salvation
The Other Humans
I’m Not a Witch!
Would not pick up off the shelf:
The Winter Wars
Light’s Champion
Sword over Spell
M
Earth and Steel/Goldsteel
Death Incarnate
Facial Paradoxes
Narcissus
He
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That's a LOT of feedback! Thanks so much for pointing all of those things out, I really appreciate the suggestions and critiques. The bits about italics for third person present and past tense were especially good since I hadn't heard that before. I'm going to review this a few more times to make sure I have a clear understanding. Also, thanks for your feedback on the blocking, my pronouns are obviously ambiguous and need a lot more clarity.
Thanks again for the feedback and keep it coming!
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First of all, I'd like to say that I enjoyed reading this chapter. It had some good action, and Madren's character was great. Here's the few issues I had with it.
1. Connection to chapter one- The only indication that the two chapters were part of the same book was the mention of katae. Though they don't need to be totally connected, it might help tp have them both mention something that at least shows us if both events occur on the same continent.
2. Sneaking- You have a lot of sneaking up on people in this chapter. I can accept that Madren can do this since he's an experienced warrior, but I doubt he could climb a tree someone else was on without them noticing. Belris doing this is also rather unlikely. She has no training, is also pregnant and apparently sick, but she somehow sneaks up behind Gaeryl and stabs him with a knife (where did she get the knife by the way?)
3. Sickness- You say Belris is sick, but you don't show any sicklines about her. I was very surprised when you said she's sick, she seemed perfectly healthy to me.
Commas- You soemtimes have long rambling sentences with no commas. Put them in. They're important.
A few small things-
4. You say that Belris had traveled to their home to live with her uncle- is it home or her uncle's?
5. Also, Madren drops his sword when fighting Hoarth, and then has it again fighting Gaeryl, but you don't say he picks it up.
6. I really liked the whole religion/Shaper thing, I thought it sounded interesting and I'm sure we'll learn more about it as the story moves on.
Thanks for the feedback Trizee:
1. Good point, I'll see what I can do about that.
2. Again, good point. I thought Madren was enough of a distraction at the time, but I'll figure out some different blocking there.
3. She has a coughing fits that cause her to cough up blood, other than that she gets a little fatigued sometimes. I'll tighten up the symptoms so this makes sense.
4. This is confusing because their home in Fallow Downs is also where her uncle lives. I'll make this a little more clear.
5. Oops.
6. You betcha, lots more.
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On the subject of no metal in the world. I would recommend reading A Planet Called Treason by Orson Scott Card. He actually used the no metal concept to keep people stuff on the planet. I feel that he thought things through pretty well.
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I felt that your voice went from being crisp and active to being very passive and past tense. Your description is telling me about where he is instead of showing, but I want his view points. Is he awed by the size of the library, etc?
I agree with what Akoebel said about the librarians, they were so disrespectful that I was expecting him to have her executed. The unfamiliarity also threw me for a loop. Maybe have the librarian know him somewhat well and tease him? "A magic sword, my Prince? Really? You don't have anything better to occupy your time these days?"
"A little light reading about magic never hurt anyone, Trethlee(librarian)."
"Not everyone is a Prince, Lord Fen."
Fen still feels weak, I thought he would be more self confident in researching the blade of light. He's having trouble coping with all the changes in his life, but this is something he can more easily control.
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Chapter 2 starts off the second POV thread in my story, no back story is required.
Happy reading!
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Thanks for submitting Trizee - I enjoyed your chapter and I'm looking forward to the next one.
Below is my feedback:
Page 1 – ‘fit of guffawing laughter’ and ‘giggling like a madman’ - I would use one or the other, these words evoke very different pictures for me.
Page 2: ‘far more beautiful than normal’ – this makes me think the windows are a new addition, maybe ‘far more beautiful here than in any other room in the palace’?
Page 3: ‘In the middle of the hall was the wooden dancing floor, now empty due to the musicians’ large appetite.’ – The musicians ate the dancers!? (Joking
)Page 4: ‘Fen hadn’t been on good terms with his father ever since he discovered that his mother’s suicide was a result of the tradition that his father upheld.’ – that’s a big reveal dropped off-handedly in my opinion.
Page 4: ‘After the opening stages of the Winter Wars, each of King Azymulff’s surviving children had come up with a way to prevent a struggle for power within his own country. No one wanted to see his country come to ruin the way Alaia had.’ – this felt like an info dump to me. Maybe include some descriptors about who Azymulff is or where Alaia is?
Page 9: ‘Only when I say so will the match begin’ - the language feels a little off to me here, too much mixture of modern and old dialect. Especially so considering that the rules for a duel would be practiced and rehearsed by the head servant.
Page 19: ‘shown like the sun’ – should be 'shone like the sun'
About Page 9 - I felt like this was a fairly common issue I saw coming up over a couple pages.
I am curious to see where you take things, but I'm really hoping you pull Loriyya out of the castle and run her through a few mud patches
I like your characters quite a bit, I found them intriguing and I'd be interested to see what conflicts you give them in the future.
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Welcome to Reading Excuses! I'm with you all the way on using Writing Excuses to learn how to write. I finished my first book, listened to my first podcast (5.13: Writing the Second Book, still one of my favorites), thought, Oh no! I'm doing ALL those things wrong!, and sat down to rewrite.
On to the criticism...
Page 1:
The first paragraph is a mouthful--I almost lost interest there. Cut it down and get into the story quickly. A suggestion: have Plous interject or think something after the first sentence, then carry on.
Page 2:
The dialogue sounds sort of artificial, like you are trying to explain things. Let it come out naturally. For example, have Makaur drinking a cup of blood as he talks, rather than telling that he drinks blood. Show us what a katae is with a few simple descriptions so that we know to fear him early on.
Some nitpicky things:
Blackmail - one word
non-descript - Hyphenated
Page 4: did he wipe the blood off the sword cane? I don't really know anything about sword fighting and still that bothered me. Blood will corrode the blade. If he doesn't wipe it off for some reason, tell why.
Overall it's intriguing, although I've seen the "basically good guy in thrall to a malevolent power" done before. It seems like your opening hook is that Plous is finding his replacement, who will be something special (or that's what I imagine I've been promised in the writing). I may be over analyzing, but this could almost be a prologue to introduce the awesome character of Plous' replacement, depending on who's your main character...
Plous' character was good. I immediately got that he was helpless, but still a strong person underneath. Makaur was a little one dimensional and over-dramatic, but then, he's a demon. Sort of comes with the territory.
Keep writing!
Thanks for the critiques Mandamon, I really appreciate your feedback!
Page 1: I see what you're saying - I'll revisit this to see how I can get to the punch of it sooner.
Page 2: I agree, it definitely is coming across more tell than show. *shakes fist at self*
Nit-picks: Thanks for letting me know, those things bother me too.
Page 4: Oops! I actually thought of that, but missed adding it in... ahh first drafts... Thanks for catching this!
Thankfully, the plot is far different from the standard "good guy in thrall". It's going to be a 2 POV book, next week I'll post chapter 2 (I've written to chapter 5 so far so hopefully I'll be able to release a chapter a week.) so you'll get to meet the other half of the story.
I'm glad you liked Plous. I'm disappointed in myself for not communicating the depth of Makaur, I promise that he is far more interesting than a run of the mill demon. I'll revise what I have to make sure I do him justice.
Thanks again!
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First off- welcome to Reading Excuses!
I was wondering if this is the first book you've written, because your writing style is very good.
Now, for the few problems I had with the chapter.
setting: I was rather confused as to the time period the story takes place in. From the usage of a cane, a magistrate, a carriage and more, I assume it is about the level of 18th century or so. Only thing is, the feeling of the chapter was very modern (20th century at least). The way Makaur spoke seemed very modern to me for some reason. You might want to change his speach patterns a bit- what with the sarcastic tone that you don't usually expect form some old times demon.
Plous: I thought you wrote his character while he was under Makaur very well. However, as soon as he leaves Makaur, he becomes a totally different person. He switches from a cowed slave to a confident, pompous nobleman who is also a coldblooded killer in a matter of seconds. You would think that being the slave of a demon would have some lingering effects on one's personality.
Makaur: I had difficulty understanding exactly what Makaur is. You might want to describe him a bit more other then saying that he has red scaly skin. Also, you use the name Makaur a lot, you could try and call him by what he is, a "katae".
That's pretty much it, I really liked the plot for this and look forward to seeing who Plous's replacement will be!
Thanks for the feedback, Trizee!
Yes, this is my first book - I owe the small modicum of success I've had to Writing Excuses. I recently started listening to Writing Excuses and have had to start over from scratch about 4 times because of elementary mistakes I was making. I'm glad I was able to start from the shoulders of giants
Setting: Like Sanderson I prefer more modern dialog, but I can see what you mean about it being confusing - I'll work on giving more detail here to help alleviate some of that confusion.
Plous: After re-reading it I really agree - I was trying to show Plous' fear, but it came across more inconsistent than anything.
Makaur: Good points on everything!
...To the lab!
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Hi cjhuitt,
First off, I enjoyed reading the chapter you shared, I thought it was very interesting and I'm excited to see where things progress to in the future.
I like your opening line, I found it intriguing. I feel like after that first line things start to turn into being told about the setting, you did a good job of focusing on the character, but personally I might have tried taking it a step farther:
So these are bricks? Jorah thought. Lance had told him these were piss poor compared to the ones near the river, but to Jorah they were still a thing of wonder. But believing everything Lance says is a bit of a fools errand, after all he even said there were bricks down there predating the Scourge, all the way back to pre-contact.
I thought your characters were fairly distinct in terms of voice, but I wasn't getting a whole lot of character description, so keeping the 5 people separate in my head became pretty tricky since all of them were thrown at me at once. Giving them some character descriptions might help keep things sorted out.
For a bunch of thieves they seem very well mannered and even tempered. I might throw in some language spicier than 'lolly gagging' or maybe use the stand by of 'Lance cursed quietly.'
But I'd say that so far so good! I'm looking forward to chapter 2!
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Newbie to the 17th Shard and hoping for help in becoming a better writer.
Below are the items I was hoping you could help me with:
- Glaring mistakes (any cardinal rules that are being broken)?
- Are the characters believable?
- Does the setting make sense/feel realistic?
- What did you like to see?
- What didn't you like?
- Anything else you felt was worth mentioning?
'15 minutes of feedback because you're in a hurry and I'm not that smart!'
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Hi Aminar,
I just finished reviewing your story and I really enjoyed the concepts and Grants voice. I really felt like he was a real person.
I would suggest some additional research, maybe have a social worker review what you've written to see what matches up and what seems out of place.
Also, I had a hard time with Caleb's mother. I'm a parent and I can tell you that if she thought he was missing she would do anything to get him back. For story purposes since you want to send Grant in, I would definitely create a reason why Deloris isn't just jumping through a mirror. Maybe she has a circle of family or friends and she's trying to coordinate with them to get into the other world to find Caleb.
There were a few sections where you broke the 4th wall for me - I felt like I popped out of the story whenever you referred to 'you'.
I'm emailing you a copy of your story with my comments. Keep in mind that I'm not being paid for so take them for what they're worth (nothing
)Thanks for submitting!
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Story Names
in Reading Excuses
Posted
------Me as a consumer-------
I don't read dragon novels anymore so I won't give an opinion on any of the mega series.
Would pick it up off the shelf:
Age to Age, We Fall
Creation and Destruction
Beyond the Barrier of Mist
Would not pick it up off the shelf:
The Gates of Arraakiel
Council of Elements
That Which Lurks Beneath
Ten Deaths Trilogy
Planet Earth
WorldHopper
Magicians Death