toomsta

HI @MasterJack, and hi everyone! I"m obviously new if you couldn't tell, so first and foremost - hello! This is the first time I've given feedback here, so I hope what I have to say is helpful! Certainly I hope to submit some time soon too, so I want to make sure I give useful feedback myself before getting any on my own work. Firstly, well done. It's a very detailed piece and you have obviously spent a lot of time working out the world Shy inhabits, it's magic systems, politics, etc. That effort is really visible on the page. You have some excellent foundations to set your story in I think. In terms of Shy, she takes a little bit of a backseat to your world building in this piece. She isn't the centre of it. We move very quickly from a murder, to a magic system, to clothing, then to politics, in a very short time. I'm finding it hard to nail down who she is, and I think that is the reason why. I would like to see this rewritten in a way that put's Shy first, and the world building second, OR at least transforms the world building so that it works in harmony with the character building of Shy herself. To give one example, early in the piece she names FangTar as the killer while considering the mechanics, and explanations of the murder. But how does she feel about that? Who is FangTar? Do we want to suspect him ? When considering how the magic was performed what does that tell her about the person who did it? In turn what does that tell us about Shy? I suspect with the depth of your world building here you could write a whole chapter on just her deductions behind how the murder took place and why, and it would be captivating. Maybe that's all this needs to be? On that note, I appreciate that you are exploring a character here, so I assume this is unlikely to be an actual chapter in your novel. If you do choose to make this a chapter, or use it as the basis for one, can you consider that core of what is going on in it? For example, about mid-way through the piece we read "Without the Stone to replenish the Well, they could probably last a month. That was her deadline." That's pretty big if you ask me, that should be the first line of the chapter, that seems like it would be Shy's core motivation at the point in time this chapter takes place. What if the first line was "Shy had a month. After that they were all finished." That would give a reader urgency, and add some weight to the need to unravel the mysteries. I hope this helps, I think there is promise here, and with some sharpening of the focus Shy could be a really good character in a very immersive world.

Don't we know, from Mistborn Era 2

sheesh, choosing a favourite book? Now that I think about it, it might be Shadows of Self. I really loved that. Though, you're right, all of Mistborn is great. Thanks for the upvote!

Hi All, My name is Paul. I really only started reading Sanderson about three years ago, and even then I only read Mistborn. I've really only read the rest of his works in his Cosmere this year. So in that respect I am a new Sanderson fan. I must admit at first, while I enjoyed Mistborn a lot, I didn't quite get it at first. What I mean by that, is I didn't quite realise what Sanderson was doing. I read them as kind of "action" fantasy stories, focussed much more on the destination and the plot twists. It wasn't until I read Warbreaker that I started to "Get it". I've been back and read the original Mistborn, and I enjoyed it a whole lot more. I've found as I've read more and more, I get more into it, I see more of what Sanderson is doing, and his humour has become funnier. Make of that what you will. My favourite character is easily Sazed, followed by Kaladin, and Szeth. In terms of myself. I'm 37, a programmer, and hopeful writer. Good to be hear!