toomsta

Sorry I missed this, but I wanted to read it before chapter 3. Sorry it's brief! Overall Yes, well done, onto chapter 3 now knowing what's happening. I agree with others, the middle sags. I think chapter 2 is still a place to keep things moving - don't slow down until you're comfortable the reader is hooked. As I go: - is "blingy" the word, or is it "Blinged", or "Blinged up", or "Baller" instead? ... Just "Blingy" doesn't sound right. - "filigreed"? Hmm ... Is that a tad pretentious? Maybe, it's meant to be... - Could Eighty interject a little more? So when both Q- and M- hold their hands up to quiet him, it has a little more impact? - "Phoneface" ... yeah, umm, your version of facetime needs work - I'll confess, for chapter 2, it's a little bit much where not much happens. Granted, different books have different styles, but for me personally, I want a little more momentum.

Hi Everyone, This is a rewrite of the beginning of my novel, courtesy of the feedback I received last time. I won't spell out the changes, you can just read it like you're reading a new story. I'm not entirely sold on all the elements of the story, but I think I am on the right track so its best I work on the content and come back and change anything I need to later. I do hope you enjoy this. -toomsta

It's messy enough that I don't buy her thought process, does that make sense? Even if a character's thoughts are messy, there needs to be some kind of basic logic that can be followed. In both endings she wants to return home. In both endings she is given a way to do that. Obviously she hates the first one, and is more hopeful of the second one. I think perhaps if N was more active in looking for alternatives to getting home, rather than it coming up just at the end of the chapter, that might work. I need to go on her journey from angry at her uncle, to hopeful she might have found a way around that.

No need to say thank you, just return the favour when others submit. It’s brave enough to let others read your work, and brave again to cop all and any criticism of it. But if you keep coming back and keep trying to get better, you will get there.

Now that's something I want to read...

Overall Well, what a very detailed beginning. You certainly know a lot about your world and it's characters, that comes across on every page. It does result in a bit of information overload though, some tangents too. You could trim that down quite a bit, really tighten the opening and make it sharper. It's the first thing your readers will get, and for me that means I need a hook. Reading this, I get this feeling I'm in for a really long book with a lot of descriptions, and there's not a carrot to draw me in yet. Not a lot happens too, in the end, your main character comes home, eats, reads, and goes to sleep, and that took 10 pages. I"m just not sure what to make of it really. A- is an interesting enough character when she's talking about the conflict in her life (see notes). Need more of that, less descriptions. Also, is this a farm girl becomes the prophesied saviour narrative? I get that feeling reading this. On the Prelude too, others will say it, and they've said it to me as well, so here it is for you. It doesn't have any meaning at this point in your story. None of the things discussed are relevant to chapter one, and so it's not really needed. I won't lie either, I didn't really enjoy it. Notes as I go: - Information overload in the prelude - B, U, D, N, Kings, crowns, thrones, halls, wars... Pick one thing and soak me in it. - Why did the herald pale? Why did the King's face fill with dread? It remains unanswered, and then her request is a tad underwhelming, seems pretty simple and straight forward. - Why is U wanting to leave, be an envoy, a problem? What makes it dramatic? - But then the King just agrees, so what was going on? Why did everyone have to hear that? - It's about 5 paragraphs before we get A's name, I'd start the first sentence with her name, and give me some information about her before you talk about Dragons, etc. - I'd trim/skip most of the descriptions of the area on pages 5/6/7, and skip to A talking about A, and flesh it out some more. That's more interesting.r. - Again, trim/skip most of the descriptions on pages 8/9/10, and skip to things happening. By this point, it's 10 pages in and A has only gotten home. - Can you spend more time on the marriage issue with E-. It's mentioned, the mechanics are spoken of, then A- dismisses it because she wants to see the world. This sounds like a potential source of conflict and drama. - More on the dreams, again that sounds interesting but gets only one paragraph.

Overall I think I'm more comfortable now, starting to "get it". Still a few oddities, but with time I'm sure it will all make sense. This chapter is a tad rough, but you did say that. Honestly, I'd skip most of the beginning, establish N- is a celebrity in a clearer manner and why she is, and clean up her interaction with the Captain, give us something that can make the shift to her taking on the job and resolving to get back home seem more organic. As I go - What's with N- and gender? The N- are genderless or something, right? Is that why it's a thing? - Why did N- swear when the bar tender asked her age? - The bar tender's questions are a tad awkward, reads like a child with ADD how they are all pouring out at once, mixed with statements. - Might need some clearer distinction between what N- says in her own tongue, and what she say's in common. Only a minor gripe. - N-'s interaction with the Terran feels a tad awkward. He seems to know too much about N-, and what's with the flirting? Is it meant to be flirting? - I don't quite get why the Terran, and the Captain have any interest in N-, hell why did the bar tender have any interest in N- at all? - Ok, so N- is a celebrity? Missed that. That seems a big point, something N- would care she wasn't, maybe that needs to be established a little more clearly. - I assume everyone hate's Terran's? That's why N- reacts the way she does? Wouldn't N- be more questioning of why the Captain has any interest in her at all? - N-'s chain of thought from start to end, where she ends up in tears feels a tad messy. - It's made clear at a business level why the Captain wants N-, but on the emotional level, why is he being nice to her? Especially if he wants no crem dung. - The ending of the chapter feels too much like an echo of the previous chapter, with this chapter not really bridging the shift in N-'s emotional state, or her chain of thought.

I’ll jump in early for the next Monday (not this one). The 14th I believe.

Thanks @industrialistDragon, you're not late. I'm in the middle of a rewrite, so it's still good to here another perspective. I ditched the prologue, obviously wasn't working. We start right in the action now. I've also aged I- to 12, I think that just helps a little. Thanks too for the tip about stuff that takes you out of her worldview. This is only my second novel, and my first is, frankly, a piece of trash - that was worth writing mind you. I need to be careful I don't slip into an omnipotent narrator, I still do that. Pug is gone, completely. I originally re-wrote his whole scene, but when I ditched the prologue I had to rearrange some things and decided to ditch him too. It didn't matter, the robbery wasn't the point, and I only needed his POV because I didn't want to spell out what I- was doing. I've decided not to be afraid of that and just write her perspective when she's using her gift. Hopefully I can submit that soon for everyone to rip apart enjoy. Yup I take everyone's point about "beast" ... When I read it now I'm like "what were you thinking", but I was so blind to that when I wrote it. I- still has an dark skinned friend who is massive, but I'm reading around a bit and trying to learn how to deal with that without falling into any traps. I'm not trying to write epic fantasy, or maybe more importantly I'm aiming for 140k words, so it would be short. I really do want to avoid elevated tone, but I'm also still working out my own writing style. Part of the trouble is that I will write something then edit the absolute hell out of it for days. So by the end it probably reads all over the place to anyone who isn't me. I really need to write something, put it away, then come back much later and edit it. I'm pretty sure that would net better results in addition to reading it out loud. I'm going to fo that for the re-write, so you can tell me if it works of not! Also, I'm trying to work out something other than Stormborn - I get it, and no there are no dragons (at this point). I keep coming back to "sparks", but that just seems silly. Hmmm... Thanks again for the effort in giving me feedback too.

Overall I didn't read the previous submission, sorry about that. This however is a perfectly well written piece, from that point of view I have no complaints. I mean you have created a universe that seems real, that come across like it just exists. That is an accomplishment. Maybe because it's early Tuesday morning after New Year's day, right before work, but I just don't click with the it. I don't quite get it. Perhaps cut to the chase - why can't she go back? What is stopping that? What is it that she thinks she needs to resolve in order to fix things? Give that to me up front. I know you establish what in fact she needs to resolve to fix things at the end, but she needs immediate purpose, even if she ignores it because she's depressed, confused, whatever. I'd take my comments with the appropriate grain of salt however. I feel like I've missed essential information or something. Thoughts as I go: - Just a side thought, why did the President exile her to the "gold coffin" instead of just killing her? I'm sure I missed something, being new to RE, but it seems like a Bond villain move right now. Why don't the M-'s just send her back? Why isn't her primary goal to get back, at least at first? Was exile and what it meant explained in more detail earlier? If she's a competent pilot, what stops her from stealing a shuttle or something? Or at least why doesn't she think of that? - N- discussing gender to herself over the R- seems too detailed. I get into this debate sometimes where a disorientated character in a strange situation isn't really going to think so clearly, or like an academic. I'm not saying I'm right, just something to consider. I know N- is somewhat of an academic given the chapter I read previously, so I can live with that. - You lost me at "Leadership?", the paragraph that follows is a mystery to me. There's a few paragraphs where you go into detail on a kind of tangent that just don't feel relevant at that point in time, or don't come with a means to give me context or understanding. Again, I might have missed something. - N's line about choice and airlock seems to have been perfectly understood by P-. That kind of goes against the communication trouble that just happened? - The jump in time feels a little jarring, is there another way to deal with that? - Should I already understand what a Journey Youth is at this point? - I wouldn't mind some descriptions to give me a sense of place, and the people. What do things looks like, how does it shape or change the way N- thinks or feels? What so the various species look like? What are they wearing? Can you give me those anchors into your world, into what N- is living through? - The N- seem to use technology easily enough. Comms, ships, etc ... Kind of not consistent with the N- not using technology. - The ending, make sense, it's well written. I just don't understand the context again. I assume the book, the conflict here was established in previous chapters? I would reiterate that conflict early in this chapter.

Overall I think M-'s part needs a little bit of work, though don't change too much because it's still good. I agree with @kais about the wolves. I didn't find them terribly interesting, maybe that's because of how simply M- ends up dealing with them. Q- on the other hand was perfect, a really good opening chapter, despite not having read the first novel. Again however, the name, the second word, yeah I still don't quite know how to pronounce it. Thoughts as I go: - If M- enhanced in some way? How does he know the bank is exactly 40-degree's? And that it's "9.81ms -2 of Earth gravity"? Is there a reason for the specific measurements? - "Right then, it started to snow again." - The story just began, so can it snow again? The first line of the story says the sky was clear, where did the snow come from? - Yeah, love M- - Yeah, ok, too many specific measurements ... 200cm high, 32cm reach, $179 super-gloves. - Why use footnotes? Add that to the text itself. - "was gasping as the uncurled herself," as she ... There's a couple of these through-out, no doubt you'll find and fix. - I'd work on the resolution to the wolves. It was over so fast despite the build up, I had to read it twice to work out what happened. Also, if she has a N—P and thinks to use it, does she expect the wolves are androids? If that's the case, she wouldn't be worried at all, would she? - The dialogue between Q- and G- is great, top notch. - Tom Selleck... Yes. Please tell me he's revered in pop culture like the Hoff, is Magnum P.I. shown endlessly on whatever is the equivalent of TV in this world? - Good ending, well done.

Yeah there's a story element which means she is far more mature and independent than a 10 year old should be. But since I don't want to tell the reader for some time, I think it best I age her a bit to get buy-in. Being 10 isn't critical, just being young is.

I worry about a protagonist who is 10 who seems be older. Then again everyone makes the same complaint of Enders Game. She is meant to be an adult like 10 year old, but maybe 10 is too young. Would 14 make you feel like she can be a very mature teenager?

Thanks @kais, again like the others I appreciate the feedback. Point taken on P- both his character and jumping to his POV. He's already changed from the earlier feedback, and yes I think I will dump his POV and rewrite it from I-'s perspective. That will be fun to work out. The prologue is a tricky one, I'll just start again at chapter one and see if it works. I am sure I can find a place later in the novel to establish what the prologue is attempting to setup. I don't think it's quite true about prologues not being in vogue though, two of my favourite reads this year have prologues, as do a few others. But I don't think that's a point worth arguing, it's really just about whether I need one, and I think I can get away without one. It also sounds like I need to reshape the first chapter to shed more light on I-, and focus less on what's happening. The robbery isn't really the point, so less focus on that would probably be a good thing. Game of Thrones? Really? I'm going to hold onto it for now. It's a name derived from specific storms that affect this world. Strange purplish storms that cause Stormborn to "spark" with energy. I'm keeping it unless I can come up with something else that the people of this world would name magic users. Yeah this is just unfortunate. The alien thing was in reference to his height, not skin - but yeah it does read like that. It's also P-'s perspective and he is a mild racist. Still if P's POV goes, then so does this, and I can leave his racism to out of the early chapters. I think I just need to get the way the information is revealed correct. Being Stormborn means you have a gift, or possibly more. What gift(s) you have may vary. I-'s gift is rare, so rare she is the only living person to have it. Everyone in this world knows of the Stormborn, it's impossible not to. The Emporer, the ruling council, they are all Stormborn. The Emporer's personal army, and most of the major families are too. I think I'll spend some time working through these issues and resub chapter one with chapter two in a few weeks.

I took your advice and skipped the first part, went straight to the story. Here's my notes as I read through, and some thoughts at the end. - The name of the story, specifically the second word of the title, just feels weird. I can't really explain it except to say that I would skip past it in a bookstore. - P's dialogue about Complicity reads in a complicated manner. Like a person wouldn't construct their dialogue in that way. That could just be how P- talks though. I wonder too as I read more that sometimes I lose the sense of a character in the dialogue. Like Quirk sometimes seems too formal - that could just be me. I don't have this problem with M- however. - There are two odd P- names on the first page that I confused as the same person initially. I would consider changing one of them, only because a casual reader may make the same mistake. - “Officers are on their way. They need cooperation and a base of operations." maybe? I notice P- speaks like this often, like "I speak to him now.” instead of "I'll speak to him now.” Is that intentional? It stands out. - Love the sport analogy when P- stands up. - M-'s dialogue and POV is full of foul language, and I think that works for that character. But as a personal preference, I avoid isolated curse words because they stand out too much, like the use of "rust" in the first two pages. They read like the word has been capitalised and in a bigger font. I don't really know why, but it leaps off the page. It's a personal thing though, so. - "She realised she’d started tapping her foot. Unprofessional. Control your emotions, M!" She had just sent a text message where she abbreviated many words like a modern day teenager, so the use of unprofessional here to describe her tapping foot sounds odd. - Love M- -There's some odd formatting issues with the text messages later in the piece. Should be easy to fix but it was confusing. - The thoughts in parenthesis seem strange, not consistent with other ways to denote thoughts. - What is M- doing when she get's into P-'s office? The manner in which she rattles off what she see's doesn't seem purposeful? Unless I missed something. - The time! Idiota! Talk me through this, why does she say Idiota instead of Idiot? Are we meant to feel M- is off the wall? Obviously reading just an extract from something I have not read before is a little strange. I don't quite get why we have the beginning with Q-, but maybe I need to read the whole thing to get it. I also don't quite get what is going on either, though I was happy to run with it. M- has great potential, and I get a lot of hints at it here, I am sure she's a delight in the full novel. It's a well written piece, though at times I felt there were some unnecessary tangents like M- describing everything she see's (see above). It could just be I needed more than an extract, so take that with a grain of salt.

Thanks @Mandamon, I really appreciate the feedback. The first time I started this story I went straight to the original conflict between I- and A-, but it meant the subsequent chapters were very boring, and in the end it wasn't interesting. So after doing a full outline I chose to jump into a point of the story where it was more interesting, leaving the backstory between I- and A- as something to discover. This meant I needed a prologue, so I wanted to keep it simple, to the point, and with information that you would remember - I really do hate long prologues that give information that isn't immediately required. You are expected to believe I- will be killed, hopefully creating an undercurrent of tragedy as you read the story. As for I-'s age... I'm really hoping that makes more sense as you read. It's part of the mystery. I think when I wrote this I was concerned with drawing too much attention to specific details, but I needed to provide them all the same. I don't want information dumps, so I was trying to weave things into the chapter in a nonchalant manner, almost like it's a bit of flavour. The focus should be in I- and who she is in that moment, what she's doing, not dumping out her past. I think what I am reading from yourself and @Robinski, is that I don't need to do that. I can flesh them out a little more. It is meant to be more interesting than the robbery - it is the core of the plot. Thanks for your suggested edits. I'm going to do another pass on grammar, etc, clean up a few sentenced and then continue the story. I'll come back and do another pass before resubmitting down the track. I think I'd like to change Pug, and the robbery itself, but don't yet know how. I'm hoping I can drop chapter 2 and 3 in the next few weeks, so as I- develops and the plot takes shape I'd be very interested to see if I've chosen a good way to grab folks attention.

Thanks Robinski, that was quite fast - though I am not complaining. It's getting late here, but I will no doubt have to return the favor with your feedback tomorrow. Your feedback is quite encouraging, despite the criticisms. Thanks for pointing out the issues with commas, and superfluous words. It's a trap I fall into. Just need more practice, and more feedback like this until I see it for myself everytime. As for the capitalisation, I didn't even notice myself, so I will have to tidy that up. In relation to some specific points: Bingo! Do you get the feeling she doesn't like or is not used to people? I worry a lot about dangling these lines, but I take a rule that if the character's context demands it, I have to say it. This isn't explaed until well into chapter 8 at the moment, I might have to consider that. This sounds like a rework is required. She is thinking on her toes, but it's not meant to be urgent. Perhaps it should be? Good tip I think, I will try this. How do I imply it's not rare? Bugger did I miss something in my own writing - wouldn't be the first time! Ha! How does I- belittle it? I believe it's mentioned at that punch line for the first time. I'd really love to get more info on what you mean here? The sole reason I need to shift to P-'s POV is because I don't want to reveal what I-'s gift is, and what being S----born may or may not mean. I want to put the reader in a victim's shoes, I want the reader to understand what it's like on the receiving end. This is why P- cries at the end, because the experience is important. I don't want to give it away, I would like to see your reactions as the information is given out. I'll just have to follow this up with the next few chapters to give a better picture, to see if it all fits and works. Having said that, did you pickup on what I- is doing? What the magic she can use actually is? I’ll think on the problem of the fat mark, honestly I just thought it would bring a smile to the face. I’ll find a way to steer away from the low hanging fruit. But the unkempt thieves thing is fine, I’m not really interested in them, and they only get one more mention at the start of the novel. I was actually playing with characters I love in Fagen and the Artful Dodger, I was hoping a reader might see the similarity ( a non obvious reference ). i have read Lies, and I did love it. That stands out though because of the exquisite prose ( a talent I do not yet possess). But perhaps my setting or fringe characters could do something similar. Still I believe chapter two brings something very unique. Again, thanks for the fast and helpful feedback.

Well it's off, really hope I did it all correctly. I hope folks enjoy!

Hi All, I'm really looking forward to this, being my first submission. You all look to provide detailed, quality, and helpful feedback from what I can see, and that is exciting. Because if there is one thing I want, it's good feedback. I will admit I am a little nervous, but only because no one has read this yet, so here goes! I'm not going to give you a brief on this, other than to say it's a short prologue, and chapter one of a new fantasy story I'm writing. I write by reviewing an old chapter before starting a new one, so this is technically a second draft even though the novel is not yet finished. I do hope you enjoy, but most of all I hope you all have a lot to say about it! Enjoy, toomsta

If people want to read it, I’m up to submitting it

Basically the names, but also the apparent social structure, and the very male perspective. From my own personal experience, women have broadly very little agency in Indian culture, and there are numerous examples of misogyny all the time - I think only the other day the news reported a little girl was murdered for shunning a suitor. If you're intent is to have the King be such a tool, then you should dump this entire prologue. You can't include work like this anymore in published works, it's just not possible - well not if you want to be even remotely successful. You can certainly paint a picture of this guy as being like he is, but not from his POV, you need a POV the reader wants to read and can relate to.

I think it's the difference between how characters relate to each other, and the plotting of the story. Take Vin in Mistborn. The plot calls for her to be a Scar, to join the rebels and take down the Lord Ruler. But as a character that's not what she wants, she wants friends. She wants to be wanted. So here with N. The plot calls for her to be against three clearing, to protest against it. But what, as a character, does she want? How can the President use what she really wants deep down against her. Give that to me, and I'll buy into the Tree clearing no problem.

Overall, it's a good piece. You have a nice writing style that maybe is a little too dry, but otherwise very clear and easy to understand. I haven't read anything prior to this too, so I am coming in cold. I think you've been given some great feedback so far, so I won't just cover that same territory again, but here are some thoughts. - I don't care if someone is the President. It holds no weight because I have no context, no reason to feel anything about that position. Give him a name early, give me a reason to feel what N feels about him. The same goes for things like "her father" - name him. Name all her parents. Make it personal. - I'm just going to say it. Starting with a discussion on tree clearing doesn't do much for me. It's not really about that anyway is it? What is it really about for N? It would be cool if the President could call her out on something else - "You're doing this because ...", you know a suggestion she's maybe not all pure of intention. It doesn't matter if she is or not, what matters is she has a weakness that can be exploited, the waters muddied. That would be interesting. Also, why is a trainee pilot so interested in land clearing and politics? Why does what she say have enough weight to worry a President? - I don't know how economics, agriculture, politics, and the economy work together in this world so the conflict doesn't quite work for me. Can you make it relatable to something I know and already understand? - I really like the ending. I think it sets up something I want to read. But you need to sell me on why the President is after her a bit more. It needs to be personal somehow.

Hey everyone, I'd love to be in the next submission if you can find room. Obviously if that's not possible, will have to wait a few weeks with Christmas and New Year getting in the way.

Well done on your first submission. There is a lot going on here in this prologue. It was cool diving into your imagination, you have obviously spent a lot of time working out your world, and story. That much is evident while reading. I think you should take some time to read your work out loud to yourself. I think that you'll notice some issues with the flow of your prose. There's a number of places where you can rework a sentence to improve how it reads. This is something I have to do myself, I've found it invaluable. If this is meant to be a prologue, I would suggest it needs to be trimmed down. I know some epic fantasies have lengthy prologues, but you also need to remember prologues can be presumptuous. Maybe jump to the good part right up front! Weave in the information I need, and don't bother me with what's irrelevant (for now at least). I think that will help with your question, about capturing someones attention reading the first page in a bookstore. You are right that the first page really needs to pull you into the story. You need to somehow nail some conflict in the first three hundred words, or have such exceptional prose that it instantly captures someone's imagination. On character - The Queen's behaviour is a little bit odd. Her emotional state, the way her dialogue reads, and her actions don't seem to be consistent. Example on page 2, last paragraph - That's a really calm statement. It doesn't read like she's pleading. It also read as if it is cold and hard, not angry or vulnerable, at least that's the way I read it. If she was vulnerable and angry she would lash out. Her words would be shorter, cutting, perhaps rash and irrational, she'd be saying things she may not really mean. The King too is a tad wooden. He's really formal, and while were told what he's feeling he doesn't seem to be actually feeling it. He's comes off as really insincere which I imagine is not what you want at all? Like calling his wife "unstable" right after admitting he slept with another woman. Unless you want the King to be considered insensitive and sexist I wouldn't have him do that. I would be quite interested in seeing a revision of this. I think you have some really intriguing elements to it, and for some reason culturally it feels like it belongs in India - is that your inspiration?