Jack the Halls

CHAPTER 6 Page 1 - It feels like they are very professional at first, but less so once they get to the door. Page 2 - I like that he feels guilty for grabbing her butt. Feels very REAL and shows that while he is not against stealing (well...) he is against cheating. Even through this, he notices how firm it is. Great stuff! - In my head, there is definitely a problem with the logistics you describe with her standing on Dexter's shoulders trying to open a window that Lance later just jumps up and closes. Is she squatting down? Why not just sit on his shoulders? - Why can't they pick the lock? Page 3 - I'm having trouble getting the size of this place down. It seems pretty huge, but from the outside it doesn't look like a warehouse from the outside, right? Page 4 - Canned food. So I'm picturing a technology level around the early 19th Century? Page 6 - Based on the previous scene, I think he would feel guilty when Kat uses her feminine whiles on him. Or, if her hitting on him is so common (as later stated) maybe he's just used to it? Still, he felt guilt for something less... um... pure than her intentions. - It seems like you have the same exchange twice in a row here. Once, before Kat grabs his arm, and once again after. Emphasis? Feels a redundant to me. Page 7 - So the team has been together two years? Is this the first time Dexter has accosted Jorah about Kat like this? If so, why has he waited so long? Page 8 - I like that Jorah gets his hackles up here. It's the first time I've seen him have anything resembling a backbone, and it comes across just petty enough to feel realistic, especially because we find out later that Dexter could easily solve any "dispute" with his fists. Page 9 - I feel the last page or so meanders a bit, and I'm not sure if this is your intention or not, but I had to force myself not to skim to get to the next chapter. - At this point I have some reservations about the pouch. Not a fan of when character just happens upon a plot device that just happens to be important later. I really like this chapter. We get to see them working as a team (though I feel like they had way too many people to pull off such a small job). The show vs. tell thing isn't nearly as big a problem. I didn't feel like there was any real danger of them getting caught, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Also, Molly really feels like the boss in this one, and the characters feel more like a crew with backstory. CHAPTER 7 Page 1 - I want some identifiers about their hideout here to make it stand out and not just feel like a generic hideout. - Now I'm wondering why they don't take lights into the warehouse with them. I'd think they'd have some sort of direction lighting to keep from being noticed, or something. - How could wrapped jerky feel like leather, but he immediately recognizes the pouch by feel? Page 2 - I had a moment where I thought you were going to make Molly the close-minded leader who doesn't listen to reason, right before she listens to reason. Good stuff! Page 3 - My reservations about the pouch are back. So he just happens to find the pouch that just happens to have magical glass beads that he happens to be the only one to be able to see? - Though I do like their reactions to the glass beads. I was expecting them (based on how they've treated him before) to comment on how he couldn't even take valuables right. Page 4 - The plot thickens! - I feel like I'm beating a dead horse now, but these obvious bad guys just happen to give the pouch to an incompetent who just happens to leave it where our hero just happens... So, as you can tell, my major problem with these two chapters was how the beads were found. Too convenient. Could be an easy fix, though. The robbery scene comes across smoothly, the characters all become more real, and the beads offer a direction to the story that has great potential. I like that you had a separate chapter just about the beads as well.

- Page 1 - Are you sure you want to start your story with such a common dialogue exchange? Not only that, but her being tired doesn't seem to play a role at all in the rest of the chapter. - Wouldn't the water be colored brown, not just the water's surface? - The redundancy. In a matter of only a few lines we see dripped drips. Swollen eyelids irritated eyes. Light-source light-bulb. I didn't see this problem in the rest of the chapter. - I'm interested to know why it is exactly 30 minutes. - Is it necessary to point out that their human? - If they know what prunes are, and we know what prunes are, wouldn't they just say prunes? - Why are they cleaning their hair right before they get out? Aren't they already clean by this point? - Page 2 - Is a profession not a choice? I assume, by its repetition later, that this turn of phrase becomes important later. I can't help but think this would be a good way to start the chapter and a good way to introduce the characters faster. Just the "profession not a choice" parts. - How can random things cause such cat-like reflexes? Why is her work so much more dangerous than his if they work together? I'm really interested to see what, exactly, it is that they do, and how luck plays a roll. - The omniscient narrator. I have some initial doubts, though it is handled very well at different points of the chapter. - Page 3 - I don't have a sense of the environment. I'm picturing an actual large bath house, like you might find at a spa, but then it's more like a common bathroom. Then it's an abandoned, derelict. - The part where he catches some boots and thinks it's a good thing/luck. Great! - I like the part about taking risks, but I think you can make your point in a sentence or two rather than a half-page paragraph. - Page 4 - By this point I'm wondering what the point of keeping them unnamed is. - The grape sequence is my favorite in the chapter, especially the fact that you don't really know if she pushed the chair or not. - How do you calculate fate? This intrigues me! I really hope we get to see some of this math in depth as the story goes along. - Have you read the Elements of Style? I have to be honest and say that the formatting, grammar, and spelling detract greatly from the ideas you are trying to portray. I know it's a first draft but... - You've done the main thing a first chapter is supposed to do, you have me wanting to read the next so I can find out more about their jobs, them, and this way to calculate fate.

I recently created a Goodreads account. It looks awesome, but I don't know anyone on there. Anyone else have one? goodreads.com/jackthehalls

Haha! I don't see anything wrong with that. Bradbury is the only writer I've read that a- writes pure gold almost every time, and b- gives you a new experience with every story. I keep wanting to dig into the stack of his books that I have on my shelf, but I can't even pick the Illustrated Man up just yet because I don't like that he's gone.

With Bradbury's recent death, I thought we could talk about our favorite works of his. To be honest, I'm still a bit devastated by this. The day before his death I was thinking about how he was the best living American author. Personally From the Dust Returned has to be my favorite book every written. Right now I'm reading the Illustrated Man (we picked this to be our book club book months ago, timing, huh), and it's just as fantastic as I would expect. I've read a few more of his collections, and I can't think of a single story I didn't like. I also really like listening to him speak.

So, this is about the coolest thing I've ever heard! Man did I pick the right time to join.

Hey everybody, I'm J.J. I only learned about Writing Excuses a few months ago (yes, I live under a rock), and since I already loved Sanderson's books, I decided a writing group like this can't be passed up! I don't really talk about myself or my works, but I can say that I write 10 pages a day minimum. I've been writing for about 10 years, off and on, but only recently turned the switch to serious writer. I have a few early draft novels written, but we just won't ever mention them again. I look forward to discussing with all of you!

First of all, nice to meet you. I debated whether or not I should just jump right in. After reading through the board a bit, I think you would approve. I'm coming into your story without having read the first 4 chapters. With that in mind, I tried to stay away from judging character (negatively) or anything else that could have been explained already (or that might be a mystery and I'm not in the know). Instead, I tried to focus on structure, as I would looking at a similar chapter that I wrote. I'll try my hardest to go back and read to catch myself up, but the truth is I have limited "fun" time as I'm sure you all understand. I hope some of these ramblings are useful to you. Keep in mind that most of them are just thoughts I had trying to think from both a reader and a writer's point of view. Is it just me, or does the chapter takes about 5 pages before I really feel like it finds a purpose? (Says the man who has a prologue to his feedback.) I really get sucked in around page 6 and stay sucked in until the end, when I feel a bit let down because not only was the beginning a recap, but the end turns out to be a recap as well. No plot progression in a chapter this early in a book opens up a great many alleyways that a writer can use. In regards to this chapter alone, I don't know. I understand the need for a transition, a recap... It would have been okay if the rest of the chapter advanced the plot in some way, but it doesn't. It feels like a double-fake-out. The characters are right back where they started, so in the end, the entire chapter is a recap chapter with some cool action sequences in between. With both very exciting (in different ways) climaxes being so awesome, I feel almost bad for them sandwiched together between a recap and a recap. The dynamic introduced during the dialogue between when the three of them were off searching was really well done. I understand everyone's motivations and why they felt the way they did. It was the perfect opportunity to throw a curve ball, which you did. Not one, but two curve balls. I think you might have been able to condense the first 5 pages and started where they are in the woods. Or expand the first part into its own section or chapter? I don't know. Just throwing thoughts around. The entire sequence (starting about page 7) where their feet get stuck is good. It poses a puzzle that the characters must solve. I didn't really feel the panic or fear, but I think you did that on purpose for later, when the hands show up. That got my heart pumping big time. Having it come right after they think they have succeeded was brilliant. My only real request is more physical description. I had a hard time picturing them falling and getting back up while clinging to each other. I kept getting the idea that they were both in quicksand and playing Twister. I got the feeling that the characters saw a distinct line between where they could and could not step, yet the line felt muddy. Also, Are the hands reaching out on arms and then sinking back into the ground, or are they just hands that flail about? How many are there, really? Enough that we are to believe there are people under the ground, or is this one of those beyond surreal scene (the scene at the beginning of Day of the Dead comes to mind).

It wouldn't be for cutting skin so much as being precise enough to cut rotspren.

Could there be something like a shard-scalpel, used not as a weapon but for healing?

I've watched all of them, plus his lectures at Jordancon. It would be interesting to be in a writing class like that that carried over more than one semester. Someone somewhere has set up a free college just for writing classes like this somewhere, right?

Before seeing this list, I think I would have guessed at least 50k higher for each one...

This list made my day. To see Fezzik on there was purely brilliant!

Sprenocalypse!

This makes me wonder. If what you're saying comes to pass (and I don't see why it can't), why would a weapon against the spren be needed at all? Hm...

Hey everybody, I'm J.J. and I look forward to talking about all things Sanderson with you all!