Vreeah

Sure. It's been a heavy work week, but I have a short chapter I can parade.

It's a brand new year, full of possibilities! This is chapter 5 of Dreamt and Lost, and Lothurn's viewpoint is front and center. The main purpose is to give an idea of Lothurn's history, and well as establish what Silla wants. If that doesn't come across clearly, please let me know which places I lose you! Thanks for taking the time to read!

And finally, it's time to circle back here. Thank you guys so much for the gifts of perspective! I read these whenever they popped up, so the insights have all been a help for the bits of writing I got around to this week. Sorry my response was late in coming. --- @Mandamon I think this is the first time Lothurn has appeared on this group, so it isn't WRS at work. I'll see about adding more hints to his personality and presence when they come to mind. When I first conceived the story, Sofia's secret was meant for a later reveal. However, nearly every line that hinted at it was marked as a bad line of characterization, and I think Sofia's likeability suffered from it. I'm at a loss. The dialogue could stand for some reworking. Will do. As for Lothurn taking Kaisan out so easily, that was intentional. Ellis and Sofia were casually using dreams the same age and older than Kaisan, so Lothurn wouldn't be much of a threat if he couldn't handle the situation with ease. The part about freezing the children is also meant to be a small bit of foreshadowing that Lothurn isn't a shining hero. He didn't care about the consequence of dying children, so he confidently took the shot. I figured the conclusion with the townsfolk was clunky. That definitely needs reworking. I knew the townsfolk had to do something by the end, but Lothurn didn't need to be there any longer. She carried the body with her to prove she had the power of revival, instead of having to rely on claims and promises. Yep, it's the same blue slime. I tried to imply that the eye from the first chapter was from silver fur dream, since it has some large and empty eye sockets. Not sure if that got across. Gotcha, need better character leads. Might need a different opening, then. Sofia's abilities can't be seen by anyone except Ellis, since a public revelation leads to other points of plot progression. --- @kaisa Yeah, unblanding these characters is currently the highest priority. Can't have as good of a story if the characters can't carry it on their shoulders. Better opening line, eh? I originally led with how Lothurn was carrying around a nightmare in his heart, but I thought it might've been too heavy. Maybe worth reconsidering. Glad the one on one dream duel sat well! Blocking? Oh, is the acting character muddled at these parts? I'll be sure to fix that. I suspect the passive voice that Mandamon pointed out also might be involved. I'd better draw a map of what's happening in the fight beforehand and figure out a better visualization. Ugh, I don't think I can do much about the motivation without altering a pretty big chain of events. I'll keep going for a few chapters and hope the details help, but if not, it'll take some rethinking. Yay! Connection noticed! ♥ Ah, yeah, might have been suggesting the wrong stuff when I emphasized the blue slime. I meant to imply that it was extremely deadly, but mostly to highlight how different Sofia is and how much trouble all the other blue slime victims were in. I'm considering inserting a glimpse into the medical ward. --- @r.topaz It was a big help, R.topaz! Thanks for coming and reading ^_^! A better hook? Yarrr, that I do. Got a couple ideas, some old and some new. I'll play around with them. Ah, sorry, the bad guy this chapter was mostly an introductory device. It was a melting pot where I showed how dreams strengthen by age, Lothurn's competence, what permanent effects might be left by dreams, how dreams have an obsession with what caused them to be born in the first place, and Lothurn's personal baggage. Oh, esprit is a word meaning spirit and liveliness of intellect, and I use the word to represent the energy that forms these dreams. Yeah that was my bad. I got so into the events of the town and I realized that the town resolution was less satisfying. Improvements planned. Oh yes. The blue slime got on Sofia in one of the previous chapters, and I was using the end of this chapter to show what was supposed to happen when an average person gets a high dosage of the stuff. Thanks again! --- @neongrey Hm. I did intend the opening lines to have meaning behind them, but having them give off that impression is troublesome. -The first line about the glow of dawn was to imply the time being morning, so that this chapter is confirmed to be happening at the same time as the first chapter's morning awakening. -I referred to the town as being like shambles to show that the town wasn't at the heart of civilization. I wanted it to seem like the outskirts of society, much like how Lothurn had removed himself from others. -The memory in his heart is the weapon he uses later, as well as his motivation and history. -The cold wind is the enemy he is vanquishing today. Though I do intend to rework the opening to have a better hook, I still want to imply all the things above. Ah, but "cold elements" does fall too far outside the norm. I'll fix that. Stilted is the complete opposite of what I was going for, so that's another big problem. The anarch is meant to be materialized resentment—wild and narrow-minded. Half its matured mind is permanently obsessed with whatever thoughts led it to be born in the first place. I'll see if I can break up his speech pattern some more and get a touch insane in terms of how much he resents the townsfolk. Lothurn, on the other hand, should be gruff and stoic. Narrow-minded in his own way, and a victim of tunnel vision for far too long. That also doesn't seem to be coming across, so it'll be a work in progress. Drat. Is the non-nebulous writing too clunky? Or too sharp of a contrast? I think I emphasized Krisan's power too much. I meant to show how powerful a dream of this age can be, while also showing that Lothurn is far above it, but a lot of people expected more from Krisan. Yeah, it was intentionally formal, but I'll see about slimming things down. Ah dang. Which cliches am I hitting? I'll do what I can about that. Rebirth and revival are central themes, so death is rather important for me to keep, but if it's killing the story then I'm more than willing to sit down with the outline for a few weeks. Character remains the top priority, but these are all dangerous problems to watch out for. It's giving me some nervous excitement. --- @rdpulfer The resolution at the town is one of my big holes right now. I spent so long on the first half and didn't built up much closure. I'm considering a quick visit to the medical ward on that chapter. Might work out better. Silla and Lothurn working together is really important, so I'm happy it landed well for you! --- @Yados I certainly am in love with the setting of the story, and can't wait for the characters to move away from their starting points. That said, there is a plot that covers all the characters so far, so I'm sorry to say that it won't be completely separate. It's more like a couple story paths that keep converging in on each other, mixing, and then bursting apart. The idea of declaring her position was mostly meant as an olive branch. I wanted the offer of employment to seem as genuine and friendly as possible, despite the extent of surveillance that will be shown very soon. Though the scene played out fine enough, it hasn't done the characterization I planned. I'll weed out the sense of nobility as I come across it.

Hello hello Yados! Looking forward to seeing your writing! Sorry to be rather late to the party. I enjoyed the thrill of the holidays a bit more than was healthy, I think. Everything is sore. Only several hours remain till 2016 is wiped away from the present. May the next year treat you well. On to the story! --- The writing is pretty smooth. I've been reading all the submissions aloud this week. When spoken, I tripped up in a few places near the beginning, and had to quietly read those parts to myself to get the picture. I think it was word repetition that hit me, such as the "had been" that was used thrice in a sentence from the first paragraph, and also appear a fourth time at the beginning of the following sentence. In the third and fourth pages, I got a bit lost in who was speaking from moment to moment. I noticed that the conversation was mostly used to show the viewpoint character's thoughts and memories, but when I focused on that I lost sight of who the pronouns represented. Love the end of chapter 1. It made me feel very chipper and excited. I guess that's a bit ironic on my part, but yes I enjoyed it. Chapter two was fantastic. It's gruesome, sure, but so very pretty. Chapter three was a bit slower to start. I'm mostly riding the high from chapter two as I go through it. I think it's the interaction of the first half. Although I like the response that ended the conversation, there was a lot of explaining. Every word and silence came with a thought or description of why it existed, so I didn't get much chance to guess and come to my own conclusions. Half of that is on me, though, since I like subtlety and mystery in interactions more than immediate clarity. --- Oh, quick tangent, I hear fireworks outside. The New Year celebration has begun in my neighborhood. --- Chapter four's starting bump is one of my favorites. Seventeenth page, also got a bit lost on the dialogue. I don't have the character voices keyed, so I can't be sure who is talking if it isn't noted. Other than that, chapter four's content seemed straightforward. Political status and one more major character introduction. --- Overall, there's a lot of glimpses into who the viewpoint character is, which I'm sure was your goal. Good read. I'm probably not the ideal audience, since I'm amused whenever I find myself immersed in a grim narrative (though horror movies and games strike legitimate terror in my heart). I can't say for sure if there is any legitimate sorrow, but I'm certain that your character elicits pity. The world never seems to work out the way he expects, and it's always unexpected in a way that hurts him more. That small victory of peace at the end of chapter four was enough of a difference to be glad for him, but he's still pitiful afterwards.

Happy New Year, Neongrey! Just the thoughts, eh? Alrighty! I was quite lost in the first half. All I can tell is that the viewpoint character is stuck somewhere that they find physically uncomfortable and socially oppressive. I think I feel a begrudging acknowledgement of how the surroundings are stuck in the way they are. More than a handful of specialized terms, so it's not an easy chuck of text to read through without further context. The conversation was easy enough to follow. It goes into a discussion about gods, which has always been a favorite topic of mine. The viewpoint character raises a lot of flags that are classically sinister. Sharp teeth, eating still-living creatures, and a world-eating deity are the most notable traits. Not sure yet if it's being played straight or if it's going to be subverted. I'm guessing the exact nature of her confinement would be necessary to help figure that out.

I shall come along for the celebrations on Monday as well! (:

Hello everyone! Hope the holidays went well! Alright, so I've made some rearrangements to the chapter orders. Last week, I submitted chapter 2 and half of chapter 1, but they didn't have enough tension. As an attempt at solving this problem, I've switched chapter 2 and chapter 3. The new chapter 2—Savior of Life—is the main bulk of this week's submission. It's a different viewpoint. I originally had it as chapter 3 because there's a fight, and I wasn't sure if it was a good idea to follow chapter 1's nursery brawl with yet another chapter containing a fight. The events take place at around the same time as the original chapter 2, so changing them around doesn't leave any impact to the timeline. Anyway, I'd like to know if the tension is any better with this arrangement. If not, I'll move on to other chapters until I think of a better way to introduce the plot and story concepts. Thanks as always for taking a look!

Nothing like the holiday season to remind you that the year is coming to an end. Thanks for all the analysis, comments, and critiques! A common problem you guys noted was the tension breaking. I've focused mostly on that this week, though I'm still unsure of exactly which solution I'm going to finalize. Tomorrow, I'll be presenting one particular method, which is a rearrangement of the following chapters. I want to see if presenting certain bits of information in a different order will maintain tension more effectively. Another big problem is that I seem to be a bit too vague, and losing a couple of you guys as a result. Hopefully tomorrow's submission does a better job of making sense. --- @kaisa & @neongrey, oh yes, the fade was intentional. I didn't make any changes yet to the first page (first two pages, I think, when they're double spaced) so I decided not to throw in a big repeat. In hindsight, that was a bad idea, especially considering how new readers might be heavily lost upon picking it up. --- Fingers crossed for next time. I hope you all had or are having a happy holiday!

Oh hey, yeah, Boxing Day. Nice! Also, yup, I'm fine with subbing on the 26th as well.

Ah yes, I am ready to witness the disgruntled. Dialogue analysis, yes? I'm right on it. Ooo, commanding. Yes, do tell how these will please. I see that the command isn't directly answered. Instead, the jeweler goes on rather poetically about trends and how her skill would impress. I like that she's talking herself up. Hahaha, oh, the bit with the amateur sketch. That's a nice scene. After the customer left, the outrage involve a pretty complicated sentence. I'm surprised they are so controlled, is that an important character trait? Always composed, even among the storm. I think I spot some pride in that bit of confidence. "But it's her husband, and she's buying for her husband." -Could probably be shortened. I would expect some repetition of points from someone who is angry, but this jeweler seems composed enough to stay direct and on the point. In the middle of this sentence, when the jeweler begins to mold the modelling clay, I didn't realize she still had the clay in hand. The previous action was to toss the clay onto the workbench, implying that the clay left her hands. The next action implies that the clay is in the middle of being molded. "... pissing after even more of my time." -What? I don't understand this part. I don't think the "Pardon?" that follows is meant to echo my confusion about the wording. At the beginning of the next part, the jeweler starts to fold and stretch the clay. I think this is a better follow up after tossing the clay on the bench earlier. If it isn't important, you could get away with cutting how the clay felt fluid. The rambling about how to do the killing was detailed enough to give me the full picture. If you wanted to, you could get the same point across while making the rambling sound more broken. But if the goal was to give me the full picture, then it's fine. The very last block of dialogue has the jeweler repeating the word "now" very noticeably. I'd cut a couple of those if that wasn't intentional.

Hello everyone! This week, I've sent along an alternate version of the second half of chapter one, as well as chapter two. Like version M of chapter 1, I've put more focus on displaying Ellis and Sofia's background and personality. Please let me know how well it shows, and if anything is too far past moderation. Last time, in the first half of chapter 1, Ellis and Sofia were introduced. They are sentries guarding the front gates of a cavern nursery—there to prevent the children's new dreams from escaping to the rest of the world. I hope you enjoy!

Welcome back, Silk! Glad to see that you're okay.

Busy for the holidays, everyone? In for the 19th!

A while back, during one of the Writing Excuses podcasts, Mary suggested this website. People with numberous backgrounds are found there with various methods of contact, and they are willing to talk to writers about their background and experiences. These folks do the kindness of sharing their firsthand account so that writers can reflect a more genuine experience in their works. The whole issue itself has lots of facets. Definitely learn as much as you can, and always keep an open mind, so that after you entertain everyone's opinion you can be sure of your own decisions.

Hah, Kaisa, that link goes directly back here. Unless that was intentional and I'm missing a symbolic gesture of some sort.

Hello Aeromancer! Oh, hot topic this week, seems I'm late to the party. I'll ignore the other critiques first for this first section so you get a clean first impression. Sorry in advance if you see any repetition, but it'll at least mean there's something popping up for multiple readers. --- Hm, how small of a building is this hanger being compared to? The steampunk airships I imagine in my head all already tend to be the size of what I call big buildings, mostly cause they have huge sails, nets, or balloons here and there. I believe I have successfully lost track of the names at around the middle of page 3, or possibly the end of page 4. The names kind of dropped in all at once without something I can hook together with each one. It's like tracking a bunch of bouncing balls dropped at the same time instead of one after another. There's a moment on page 4 where the main person conversing with the viewpoint character changes after an explosion, but I missed the switch for a second. I'm guessing at some point at the end of page 4, you originally had someone calling the viewpoint character "kid" or some equivalent. That seems like what would lead to the "I'm older than you are!" dialogue stamp. Since the catalyst is now nonexistent, that line threw me off. Haha, the "behind you" gag got a good chuckle. I wouldn't have gotten it if I were in the same situation. I'd sit somewhere in that room until one of the other mercs walked in with a smug grin and pointed at the wall. Oh, unless the door literally opens into the wall and nothing else, meaning they installed the door purely to mess with visitors and newbies. Either way, fun. One note, though. I feel like the joke would work better if something stalled the viewpoint character for a second. One line of distraction. Otherwise, I have a feeling a lot of people will question why he didn't follow into the room that everyone else walked into right in front of him. I'm sure I saw someone imply that being direct was something that needed to be worked on, but the description of the current mission is pretty darn straightforward. I guess they aren't the same speakers, so maybe not being direct is a trait limited only to the first speaker. As part of the argument for why losing track of characters is so problematic, I do not remember off the top of my head who said what a couple pages ago. You'd think this establishment of being mercenaries would need a bit less explanation for someone whose whole plan up to this point was to join them. Pause. A sense of disbelief fell on me. Why would they send a smaller force for their objective? That doesn't seem like an obvious choice, so much so that I'm surprised its the first thing being brought up. D has less patience than I expected from someone that has probably been in the crew for a long time. The dynamic with what is either a hallucination or a spirit is amusing, at least. I like the opening to the metalworking test. I feel like that speaks nicely for N's character. Yeah. S and N's relationship is unfolding fine. I can see these two being good buds. That said, explaining how a particular metal is weapons-grade doesn't seem like what one metal worker would say to the other, so clearly it's pure exposition for the reader. I'd say to tweak that so it fits their setting and expertise. What are these sanity tests and how can I take one to prove my own sanity levels? Haha. While S is shaking F's hand, he suddenly spoke with a lot of pauses in a short line. I believe it's now a requirement for every member of this crew to have self-awareness. It's one thing to be a rebellious teen, and it's another personality to describe yourself as such. Hopefully this is intentional, because now I'll be thrown off if F actually is a rebellious teen. Elemental rings, cool. You know, since S was already wondering about the rings, I feel like describing those rings during the character's introduction would have helped me lock a name with the character. Wait a sec, he uses rings and his last name is that? Hrm. Intentional implication of family inheritance? Nickname? Is this our world? That's a cliché line in our world. This slightly disturbs me, especially if they're intentionally identifying it as a clichéd line. K's doing a good job of making the crew seem like the type to go with the flow, with his pilot job appointment. The armory felt like a good time for S to flesh out his metalworking experience by identifying the metals, possibly giving us some more fantastical metal names to compare and contrast. As the scene currently stands, I can't tell if the weapons are "low grade" because of the type of weapon, or because of what they're made of. How did S go from saying there's a "decent selection" to using "pathetic" to describe the armory? As a tool of the narrative, it gave an opening for D to surprise him, but at the moment it was a flip. Oh hey, see, now this guy is not being straightforward. Is he only lacking ambiguity when it's about the mission? Ha, forty-two. That shout-out sat better with me since it didn't draw in any attention to itself, and was just a comment in passing. Is this another test? Not exactly much of a joke if S decided he wanted a spear and ended up grabbing a rifle. Bring them aboard the ship? Oh wait, the armory is in the hanger? I thought it was in the ship like the briefing room. Or... is the briefing room also in the hanger as opposed to the ship? I think I'm overestimating the size of the ship and underestimating the size of the hanger. I don't remember any mention of stairs in the description of the setting, it was only referenced when they were talking about it or walking down it. I distinctly remember S looking around the hanger at some point and saying that it contained "nothing". You know, I think there will be a tad more impact if the world 'legendary' was dropped form the description of the father. S's dropped jaw says a lot, and the fame of a person is better pronounced by the people reacting, instead of the person announcing. That said, leaving the word in place does imply a lot of pride in D, which would also be nice look into the character. And suddenly K's personality is more bubbly than I've been voicing in my head. That's rather funny, actually. I don't mind if that's a quirk of his. Already on the ship? When did F ever leave the ship? Captain? Is the pilot/helmsman considered the captain in this world's airship hierarchy? Does he have the only intercom that reaches all other intercoms at once? Is the leader called something else besides leader? I'm more or less okay with the background here. I'd love it if they got a good look at the ship graveyard, though, to really make the visuals sink in. Guessing meditation is a part of the magic system if you've got prodigies in it. Oh S is literally a captain ranked military unit, even if he resigned. Hm. Kind of came out of nowhere, but fair enough. Still surprised no one called him out when he declared himself captain, though. Why did S show exasperation when it was made pretty clear that K had no idea who S was? There was an argument with A about lying and everything. That was an abrupt cut. Then again, you said it was part of chapter 2, so I suppose it'll keep going. K went from whining to tactical in quite a snap, so I almost thought I was reading someone else's dialogue. --- Needs some revision, primarily to add clarification. I imagine it's easy to get lost in this writing from time to time, which leads to rereading. It can be a bother to reread a piece too many times in order to understand what's going on.

Oh, I feel very strongly about that. All words have origins. If it's coming from another world, then by all rights they'd have their own unique language and everything. Completely different histories. However, as a novel put in front of our faces, I think we can safely stomach the other world's language and objects being translated to our language equivalents. Yes, the word "laser" originated from "l(ightwave) a(mplification by) s(timulated) e(mission of) r(adiation)" in the 1950s in our world, but whatever word the fantasy world made to describe "beam of light" can still be translated to "laser" in our language, even if the origins of their word trace a different history. That said, sometimes a word might break the theme of a story too much, or it might tie into the name of someone who is too famous in our reality. Whatever the reason, it the word is too uncomfortable in the middle of your story, then yeah it would be good to make something new. The question is if it comes off as a translation, or if the terms stands out too much. Rose among a field of daisies.

Oh yes, it has its benefits. Being able to ignore inadequacies as you write your first draft is highly productive. You'll be able to say your story is complete in a short amount of time, even if you can't confidently say that it's completed neatly. The thing about revising small chapters and chunks is that there's less editing during the moment, but there will also be more opportunities to edit. It's a lot harder to ignore those opportunities if you aren't set on finishing the entire story first. You might be writing a new paragraph when you come up with a new way to describe something that happens often in your book, and you might fall in love with this method of description. If you don't tell yourself to write straight to the finish, it's incredibly tempting to stop progressing to update the rest of your book. Inversely, when you write the entire draft first and start thinking about revision, you're faced with a more daunting task. It's tempting to edit smaller chunks because it's so much easier. An entire story from start to finish is a lot of words you need to wade through at once. It's also like a larger version of the outline versus pantsing/discovery discussion the Writing Excuses team has brought up in its podcasts. One of the possible issues with outlines is that some authors feel like an outline writes the life out of their story, and so they won't be motivated to finish or develop it. On this scale, after you finish an entire book, you can argue that it writes even more life out of it. It can go the opposite way, too. Finishing a story brings a feeling of closure and elation, and for some authors that feeling is a huge boost that gets them through revising. If you never tried the method before, I'd advise attempting to do so at least once. Since writing more or less involves finding your own motivation, you might as well see if it brings out the right emotions and inspirations for you.

Oh, like images that fit the theme? Or sketches of possibilities?

I'll hope to deliver, @aeromancer! I've always loved the chaos and freedom you find in dreams, but in many stories they're locked in dream sequences, prophetic visions, or dream walking. The process of dreaming in this world does indeed mirror our world, but to make the magic system more stable, dreams are locked in their forms once they've been release for the first time. The children aren't special. They just can't control the dreams they release, yet, so it's dangerous for them to be unsupervised. I'll keep a watch on how my dialogue develops. I do need to make some changes, because I want their voice to convey as much of their character as they can while still flowing naturally. --- I'm always delighted by your visits, @kaisa! Thanks for all your help and attention, you've made big impacts to the thoughts I have mingling through my head. Hm, gotcha, I'll keep an eye on the page 3 concepts. If I'm not giving them enough attention, I'll give them a better spotlight elsewhere. They might not be pairing well enough with the cold open. Sofia's POV isn't strictly necessary in this chapter, since I've written the chapter entirely in Ellis's POV before. I'll certainly swap back over to that if it performs better. Page nine, ah, the eye. Hm, I'll add more details to the end of that scene for clarity, then. My author knowledge got in the way of creating a proper ending hook. The eye's not one of the children's dreams. --- Hello @Lost Owl Needs Tea! Oh yes, esprit is a great word, isn't it? I originally debated between using "soul" or "vitality", but they didn't quite convey the heart of the magic. I needed something closer to the mind, but "creativity" and "imagination" were both mouthfuls. There was no way they were going to survive daily usage by the inhabitants. "Reverie" was so close, but since it also described a type of dreaming I had to use it in another part of the system. Making up words was always fun, as well, but I wanted to try my hand and keeping things more relatable to our reality in this story. Finally I stumbled on "esprit" and I basically hugged the word. Oh whoops I gushed. Right, back on topic. I appreciate being the recipient of your first feedback! Yeah, I thought it'd be tragically ironic if a story that centers around dreams and splendor was written with plainer descriptions. I need to walk the blurry line between ornate and over-embellished. Hm, okay, that's two points against the flow of page 3. It deserves some deeper analysis on my part. This is indeed very useful. Thank you so much! It's meant to be an adult fantasy.

Hey everyone! I made an alternate version of my story's first chapter for this round. I've always been intentionally vague about how I had my dream magic function, but recently I've been curious about how the story comes across if I displayed more of the system's characteristics in the beginning. I've also shifted a different character's introduction here, and switched from Ellis's viewpoint to Sofia's viewpoint in the middle of the chapter. There's also less emphasis on the exact dreams they're facing. It's a significant difference from how I had the style and structure arranged before. I do like it, but I have no idea what impression it's giving. I appreciate the help with this little puzzle. Thanks for reading

I'd like to hop in that last spot if no one else has stepped in.

Hihi, Eagle! Oooh, flirting. That's always fun, makes me want to skip right over to that. But nah, best to read the whole thing. Pacing at the beginning was fine. I know where she's going, what she thinks of her peers, and her current motivation. Sounds like our main viewpoint character's first major trait is confidence. Uh... hm. This lictor is rather forward, among other things. I don't think these two characters are very good at communicating. During the bit with the barrows, the tension it generated seemed forced, and the character reactions felt off. Why didn't Laurea hear something so dangerously fast and solid beforehand? There was a crowd at the top of the stairs, you'd think someone up there would be shouting something. Why did Janus smile after being punched in the gut by someone that likely looked distressed? Why did Laurea immediately resort to a punch before questioning the situation? Why did Janus not say any variation of "Watch out!" before the event, or a variation of "Hold on, there's danger." during the event? I think there are too many ways for the moment of misunderstanding to be completely avoided. Because of that, the misunderstanding didn't work for me. Yeah, Janus is incredibly forward. It'd be nice to have some kind of warning before being pulled through a rough crowd. Also, again, remarking about the appearance of who you got to hold hands with is not appropriate in this context. The last part of their interaction is largely improper, and I'm surprised by how mellow Laurea's reactions are. Dialogue isn't working for me. Too aggressive and candid from Janus. Too tolerant and unusually approving from Laurea. Overall, a hostile interaction between strangers that ended more pleasantly than it should have

Hey Ethan! Hm, your viewpoint character focuses a lot on the current presence of her surroundings. I wouldn't say the description is thick, but I did notice that it goes on for several sentences after I already have a sense for what's going on. Is there a term for a scene that inspires more pity than empathy? The first couple pages of the story involves a conversation that is interrupted after one line with an overview of the situation. The time it took to read through the overview felt much longer than the pause in the conversation would've been. It kind of broke my tempo. The same happens nearly every time there's another overview, whether it be about family or the main character's personal life. Let's see. These are strong descriptions, but I think the problem is that there's a lot of focus but not as much payoff. You show these detailed moments of sights, sounds, and smells, which are wonderful, but it leads vague thoughts or unrelated conclusions. I feel like a newly approved drug would be found in the hospital pharmacy. The location of the pharmacy doesn't seem like a big impact, so picking up the pills might work better near the end of the previous scene. Pace picked up really well when she was rushing around in a panic. The process of winding down that tension didn't land for me, not as much, but it was fine. Story did a good job of staying rather unexpected. I have no idea what's going on, but I'd be fine with knowing more. Overall, I think this story would benefit most from condensing. More action and interaction than knowledge.

Hey guys! Thanks for dropping by! I misspelled one of the "sentries" as "sentires" in my email. The shame is overwhelming. Feel free to now imagine all the sentries as living tires with little shield emblems. Haha, in any case, dropped a bit of the lore here. I'm always concerned when I get into backstory and lore, because they tend to be the parts that bore me when I'm reading other books. Hopefully that's not the case here, but it's a worry nonetheless. Also, dangit, I forgot to shift the format so that it's double-spaced, again. My bad.