EthanBassett

I think the key here is motivation. Your problem is that it doesn't feel right for him to have both sides, but I think that being good at selling slaves is bad in and of itself. If his motivation for being professional lies in making money off the trafficking of people then you should be fine. 

15 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

You mentioned the first time that there is the one-liner about most people getting a lot better when taking the pill. So this means the majority of people choose themselves over making society better.

 

I wasn't really trying to a make a statement about society, although the thought crossed my mind. This is something that I was hoping the reader would notice, but I put it there mostly to bring down the tone. I wanted to leave the reader with something to think about. 

I found it funny how you made the comment about optimism because other people who have read it said the same thing. Personaly, I share the belief that most people would choose others over themselves, but I wanted the story to have a darker tone.     

Does anyone have any advice or experience about short fiction publishing? I recently purchased the 2017 version of Writers Market and working on sending some MMS to fiction magazines. 

I don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said, but the hook is great and it holds my attention. 

FYI: I checked out your website (I'm a part-time web developer) and was very impressed.   

I originally submitted this a month or two ago, and I am happy to say that it is significantly better. 

What I’m looking for: 

• The ending: The largest critique I got last time was that the ending sucked. Is it better? Does it make sense? 
• When, if ever, does it grab the reader's attention, and does it hold? 
• How does the tension hold? 
• Finally, I’m having trouble coming up with a name. ‘Choose’ is the name I’ve been calling it in my head but I really don’t like it. Any suggestions would be helpful. 

I just realized that I used the wrong form of two when I the email... I'm so sorry

Pumpkins and Penguins,

E.C. Bassett 

Don’t read this until after you’ve read the piece!

The last draft I submitted ended before Charlotte made a decision. I thought it was good but everyone else wanted a better resolution. Do we still think that? Also, would it be too dark if Charlotte chose herself? I feel like that would ruin her likability. 

I didn't sub last week. I'm ready this week if there is room but next week is also fine. 

I've got a revised version of the short story I submitted somewhere around a month ago  

That sounds fun.

2 hours ago, rdpulfer said:

Why would she go to Doctor Golan instead of phoning 911 during a medical emergency? At first I thought this was a byproduct of the pills, but in retrospect, the entire sequence is irrational.

 

It's a byproduct of the drugs, but you're right. 

I don't intend for this to stand alone. I've been thinking about it, and I want to write more about this world so there will be some unanswered questions.  

14 hours ago, kaisa said:

- some tense changes on page two

 

 

I originally wrote the whole thing in the present tense but it sounded off so I changed it to the past. I guess I missed a little. 

As for the rest of what you said, I cut out a large portion of the story because I felt it was too lengthy for what I was trying to accomplish. I tried to sew it back up but I can tell there are some holes. 

There is something bigger with what I'm trying to say in the ending, and I'm finding it hard to balance. I don't want to spoon-feed the reader my message but I'm not sure how much information is enough information. 

This is a short story I originally wrote my freshmen year of high school. I thought I would never see it again till I found it in a folder I call “Where Ideas Go to Die.” I needed a break from my normal writing so I gave it a rewrite. 

I’m not looking for anything, in particular, this time around, so any input is appreciated.

For those of you who are super into grammar and spelling, I truly am sorry.

I know this takes time to read and critique so thank you all.

May the Gods not smite you, 

-E.C. Bassett  

Choose.docx

So the computer I usually use to submit is not feeling very well so I'm using my laptop. Sadly, I do not have Word downloaded on my laptop. I've gone through some trouble trying to convert the file but seeing as it is already Wednesday it's probably best if I just submit next Monday or whenever there is room again...  

I just finished a short story. I'm considering splitting it into two submissions but either way, it's ready. 

Well, pretty much everything wrote I down while reading this has been said, but I'm invested in this so I have to say something.

Prologue/Chapter 1: It's probably time to decide if its chapter one or a prologue. Personly, I don't write prologues unless I have a specific reason to. If the rest of the story evolves a significant change in scene, time, or characters then make it a prologue. If not then don't write a prologue simply for the purpose of having one.

This piece has come a long way since I first read it and I'm looking forward to more.   

17 hours ago, kaisa said:

This sub is leaps and bounds better than your last, for sure. You are doing a fantastic job with editing, and with working on understanding complex gender issues!

 

Couldn't have said it better myself   

Before I get into what I thought about this I want to tell you that no matter how many times you rewrite this and submit it to us- we will tell you something is wrong. Don't spend all your writing time reworking this prolog just continue with the story and come back later. (That was partly motivated by selfish reasons. I want more of this!)

The hook is significantly better

“You know that I can’t, dearest, the Letter must be hidden inside the cathedral on our way out. It will be preserved there under the protection of spells and should remain intact on its journey through time. This letter will not last 500 years without a spells protection.” Lyzell said with an air of study and matter-of-factness." I’m glad you explained this to us.

I like the fact that you established the relationship between Lyzell and Alandria more this time. The first go around we I didn't care about Alandria enough.

"They were both young for Allurians, about 30 years for a human, 200 years on his next moon day.” The only reason I understand what this means is because I read the last draft, otherwise; this is confusing. 

Let the tension last longer with the Drouvlan

  Why would Osha killing Lyell’s wife convince Lyell to help him? It seems to me that the opposite would be true. Obviously Alandria didn’t die but does Lyzell know that?

On 10/11/2016 at 11:26 AM, Tariniel said:

Recently, I've been playing around with the idea of weapons that target the nervous system.

The Nervous System works via a series of electronic pulses so it is possible to make dead animals move and stimulate organisms with electronic pulses. The idea of a weapon that could provide electronic stimulus and even produce severe pain without causing harm is a cool idea. 

This depends largely on the time period your story takes place and what transportation technology exists. 

23 hours ago, TKWade said:

I would love to hear your variation to help give me ideas to build tension.

The reason I usually don't share the specifics of what I would change is that (like @Tariniel so wisely pointed out) these are stylistic decisions. My way is no more right than yours and I not going to say it's better. That being said....

At the end of the prologue, you have this Drouvlan creature that adds a sense of urgency to the scene. I think it would do wonders for the tension if Lyzell looked back to check on its location and it was gone. Him not knowing exactly where it is adds to the urgency and provides a chase. 

 

19 hours ago, Ernei said:

The first sentence is way too long and too poetry-filled. It doesn't work as a hook; the contrary, it puts me off.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm want to add to this. Your description of Alluren sets the tone and setting beautifully. That being said I would definitely do some reconstructing and I would add more of a hook before it. 

11 hours ago, Sasooner said:

Brandon talks a lot about making your character want something at the beginning, that can be an apple, or it can be to save the world, they just have to want something, this character of yours isn't there until 1/3rd of the way through the chapter.

 

 

Kurt Vonnegut once said, "Make your characters want something right away even if it's only a glass of water." 

3 hours ago, Tariniel said:

This seems to be the unpopular opinion, but I don't actually think your description bothered me that much. Granted, I was reading this to critique it, and so I likely read deeper and further than I might have otherwise. However, I quite liked seeing a new style in the descriptive prose you chose to use.

 

 

I totally agree. 

I’ll start by saying that if someone critiques your work it means they care. If they didn’t care they wouldn’t say anything about it, so you might be new to writing but everyone in this thread, including me, is now invested in your work. 

As far as educational material goes there is a great book called Mastering the Craft of Writing by Stephen Wilbers. It has helped my writing dramatically. 

One of the most common shortcomings of new authors is an incapability to show instead of telling and to craft vivid imagery. You do not have this problem.

I’m really looking forward to seeing how your magic system develops. You did a great job of giving me enough to not be confused but also want to know more. 

I feel like you held the mood well at the end but I think it could have benefited from more tension. I’m not really big on telling people how I would rewrite scenes but if you want it I love this kind of stuff, and I would love to show you how I would write this scene.  

I'd like to start by saying that your writing is really good. Most of what I wrote while reading this has already been said so I'll just leave you with this. The action is really strong and exciting. It paces well and I hope to read more. 

*This a suggestion based on my opinion. Take it with a grain of salt and but keep it in mind

The line between fiction and non-fiction is less defined than most would think. When writing a piece of fiction it can be jarring for the reader when expectations are broken without warning. I feel like Mark's transformation was unexpected in a way you didn't intend it to be. Up until the moment when Mark's skin began to change like wax, this story could have existed in any genre, so when it happens it's distracting and seems to take away from the scene instead of adding to it. Unless this is what you wanted, my recommendation is to break reality in a minor way before Mark's transformation. 

The other thing I will add is to not keep this 'experiment' vague for very long. If you don't have a specific reason not to tell the reader something then just tell them. It's fine for now but don't go on for another three chapter without giving a little insight. 

You're good. Please don't stop writing. 

I'm beginning to realize that the characters in my current project are a bit too stereotypical. Which shouldn't be that hard to fix except that I'm already half way through what I have planned to write and I've been thinking about these characters so much that changing them seems wrong. I know what I have to do to make my characters more interesting but every time I change anything about them it just doesn't feel right. Like I know who my characters are and what they like and changing that makes them something their not.

My progress has pretty much stopped and I imagine it will stay that way until I can solve this.  

Hey! Sorry for the atypical request. Thanks to anyone who give me input. All advice is useful and wanted.

 I have some work ready to submit whenever there is an opening.

It is very important for you characters to have an objective or a goal right off the bat to catch the reader's interest. When I read the first few paragraphs as a reader I am experiencing a new world and when you introduce a 'footprint big enough to bath in' the first thing I think is holy crap run and tell someone. The fact that that Willow doesn't seem to urgent to do anything about the footprint tells me that either the giants are not that big of a problem or that Willow is not an active character. I don't believe you want either of these things to be true.

The other thing that, as a reader, is strange to experience, is Willows discretion of her metamorphosis. This is not necessarily a bad thing just something to be aware of as you continue. The metamorphosis does a great job at letting the readers know Willow is different and it also makes me want to know more which is good. Just make sure you are aware of how you handle it and make contuse discussions.

I also would like to see more description of the Starfall.  The world is very interesting.

I don't think the villagers not liking Willow is as big of a problem because she came from the forest and obviously bad things come from the forest.

Over all your writing is very mature and you're great at voice. Particularly the part when they run into Joshua. In one line of dialogue you are able to convey that entire character and it's amazing. Voice is something that many people, including myself, fail to understand but you do it wonderfully.