Wrim

I love the sense of danger, it's very exciting! I like the continuous theme of pain and disarray. I think it's great that you put at the end of the page because it makes me want to read faster and turn to the next page.I'm thinking about how you've described the scene and I think it's good that you haven't described it in more detail. I feel as disoriented as Dais and the story is working great. I also like the cliffhanger I like the sentence . Good that you remind the reader about the character's goals.

Thank you all for your constructive feedback! I know it's not the right thing to answer some your questions with excuses, but I blame the presence of bad grammar on that English isn't my first language. These were all Swedish thoughts translated into English. Not directly, but maybe too hasty. Thank you for pointing it out! I will take all your thoughts to heart, and I thought I'd give you each a few short sentences about a few things as response. Jack the Halls: Thank you for observing the redundancy, you're absolutely right. I haven't read Elements of Style, but I will check it out! Asmodemon: Thank you for structuring your critique. I will go back to your hints and use your advice in the future! Guenhywvar: Thank you very much for your comments about sentence structure. I had actually made it shorter at first, but I added more because I thought it would be impressive. I tried to be overly ambitious and it failed That was actually a relief! Over all, I think my main problem is that I know what I want to tell, but I don't describe it properly. I wrote too complicated about certain things and could have described other things in more detail. You have pointed out my flaws and without you I wouldn't have been aware of them. Thank you all for taking your time to critiquing my words and pointing me in the right direction. I will study further about perspective.

Hello, this is my first draft. This story is about how two characters use Luck as a guideline to life, from two different viewpoints. The chapter focuses on introducing two characters and their differences. Mildly suggestive content in the beginning. I almost used a mirror to describe a character (which I've heard is talked about at times in a certain podcast). Edit: And apparently I left the Title "The Lucky Ones" in the .doc. Whoops.

Thanks for the story! You're very good at describing exactly what's going on. "This happens and he does this etc." I felt no confusion in what was happening. Your way of describing the action felt like your strong point. It had a continuous flow. The only thing I would have wanted to know more about was the environment in which the stuff happened. "Hands lunged up out of the ground all around them." What did they look like? I haven't read the 4 previous chapters, so I didn't know what the characters looked like. I remembered Molly as the cranky one, and Kat as the chef. I didn't really find any explicit differences between Lance and Dexter, but since I read this chapter out of context, I guess they were probably described earlier in the story. Lance scared Jorah in the clearing, so I figured he was a joking-type, but in the end Dexter's the one who scares them both with the clap on the shoulders. That's what I came up with. Good read!

Monday ended already? I'd like to submit a chapter next week then if it's all right with you.

It's Wrim. Like Wroom. only smaller. Not Worm. Not Rim. Wrim.

This is my first attempt at critiquing. There were many names on the first page, and I got a little scared and thought "am I supposed to remember all this?" but then I got saved by the “I never can understand all that nonsense they go on about” line, Then I felt a relief that there was a character who I could relate too. I thought the “Miss. Miss! Two more glasses of the house red.”-line was very clever, the way you avoided describing the environment until then, since that line opened the world up to my imagination. I think you described the characters well, for example "somewhat pretty" which will be interpreted differently by every reader. I'll happily steal that trick from you The story felt very active (if that's the term), and you're good at pushing the story forward. If the rest of the chapters work like this I know I won't be bored. Since I just finished reading Warbreaker, I think this would be a great book to pick up next

I just finished watching the mini-series Bag Of Bones by Stephen King. If any of you've watched it, what did you think? I was also wondering if you think that it's close to being a Mary Sue?

Is this where I apply for Reading Excuses? I read the old thread, but the links on that page sent me to the old hacked forum. Edit: Nevermind, scrolled up and found the email address. Sorry!

You've convinced me! Sign me up! Or wait, maybe I should do that myself... sorry.

Thank you for the feedback, I'm already improving! As for RE (see? I'm learning abbreviations!), I'm gathering the courage to join the mailing list, but I think I need to practice my productivity a bit first so I'll manage to finish before the deadlines.

Thanks for the advice, I'm reading Warbreaker right now! I guess I'll just have to decide what language to write in. Maybe American English should be more fitting for this forum. I'll try my best to think about my hyphenated compounds and aluminum/aluminium, but don't hesitate to correct me if I mess up!

Hello, I'm Wrim. I'm a professional singer with a lot of free time. Between gigs I travel a lot, and I've begun to pick up writing to pass the time. I began listening to Writing Excuses about a week ago and I just finished the first Season. I'm currently working on a CyberPunk Novel about System Icons who search for the function of existence/meaning of life. Since I'm Swedish and English isn't my native language, my biggest problem with writing (besides grammar and sentence-structure) is my mixture of American English and British English words. I hope to learn a lot from you guys. I've never read a Brandon Sanderson book, but I was drawn to the community due to it's creative discussions. If I were to read Brandon's work, what should I begin with? A great inspirational help when it comes to writing is the tapping sounds of a Mechanical Keyboard. It almost sounds like a typewriter! Check out the QPad MK-80 if you're interested. I'm sorry for any grammatical mistakes. I hope to get constructive feedback. Bork Bork, Wrim