Shrike76

This has been the hardest thing for me. Making a schedule for writing and sticking to it.

Speaking of which, weren't you supposed to submit on Monday?

Thanks Marci, it's good to hear that some of the elements are working for some readers, and based on your response I can already some things which I could punch up more than i did in the first draft. Much appreciated!

I haven't seen Silk come online in the last few days, and I don't know if people were waiting for that to submit but it's been pretty quiet today. I think I saw Marci, Kuiper, King007, Robinski, Eisenheim ask for this week which makes the usual five.

The writing itself (grammar and spelling and punctuation) is really crisp and clean. That's always nice to see. You mentioned crossing a line in your email, and I don't think you did. Just flag appropriately in the email subject (as you did), or put a content warning on the top line if those four letters don't tell the whole story. I for one will keep reading this story. I liked the POV character's voice for the most part, but did find that it rambled a bit (lots of memories thrown in about things that weren't entirely relevant to the current situation). That's probably a function of the personality, and not unusual for something in such a deep 3rd person, but it took a bit of getting used to. If it's consistent throughout the novel then I don't see it as too big of a problem, although excess is always excess. P9 - "since his skull had first cracked open and the light poured in" - I really loved this line. We knew before this that there was something different about Baxter and about the way he experienced the world, but this line points to some sort of positive origin experience that makes me really curious to know more about it. It gets a bit muddled towards the end. I'm curious (obviously) about this door that appeared out of nowhere, but I'm unclear on how common an occurrence this is, on whether or not that phenomenon is related to his enhanced senses or is something completely different, and what he knows about these doors because it seems like he knows a fair bit but not a lot of that is communicated to the reader? He mentions his weak memory, is that a generalized thing or is that only something that affects his being able to remember these doors? I ask because he spends the entire chapter remembering random things, but doesn't seem to be able to form much in the way of clear thoughts about this door. You said in your chapter summary that Baxter realizes he's both hunter and hunter, but this is apparently something he already knew, unless I miss my guess. For an opening chapter, you've given us a clear indication of who the character is, given us a fairly clear picture of the setting, and hinted at the things that lurk behind the obvious (his senses, the doors, etc) which is definitely enough for me to keep reading. I think this is good work and I'm looking forward to the next submission.

Thanks for the kind words. It's a lot of things, and it comes and goes. I think it's probably the sort of thing even some established writers struggle with. This particular bout was triggered by a rejection that really has me rethinking a lot of things. Hopefully it'll all be for the better.

Relax, you need to spread the stress out. Some people (like me) don't get to reviewing for days so you have like, a week, of people reading and commenting on your submission

I seem to have the same concentration problems others are having. I have a very difficult time staying focused on my writing, and very easily turn away from it to do other things. From past experience, when I get into a groove of it, it's easy for me to sit down and focus on the writing for extended periods of time, or for a long string of days in a row, but it's been a very long time since I've done that, I think my biggest weakness right now is a complete and utter lack of confidence in my abilities, and I haven't found the solution that will allow me to dig myself out of the current slump. Congratulations. That first sale is pretty special

P1 - Does he wonder aloud or silently before Joanna answers, because that's a very different vibe. P2 - "he's a not a careful man." P5 - "he sang out as opened his eyes" - as he opened. P15 - "and shot upright as quickly" - and I shot In the second chapter, I get what you were going for with the short, often disjointed sentences while Trahaearn and the main character (are we ever going to learn his name? Did I miss it somewhere? I think I'm going to start calling him Son like everyone else) ran back to Caughthron's, but it made for tough reading. I think you can probably still find a way to convey the confusion of the scene using clear sentences, or at least limit those sentences to a very few for effect. What happened to the key on the carrot? Did Son get to keep it or did Joanna? The second chapter ended with a great twist, where we had seen Trahaearn and Son heading for what was surely an easy trip into Fairyland, and they get turned around by violent whatever-they-ares. Way to ratchet up the tension! I felt real fear at the descriptions of the things attacking them under the water, though I'm a big NOT-A-FAN of open water and the things that nip you from under the surface so YMMV with other readers. What would have made it better, since Son was focused on going to his father, was for us to get a sense of loss or failure at having to turn around when he'd gotten so close and finally mustered up the courage to head into the pond. As for protag-ing (seen mentioned above), I thought these two chapters were fine, although you're doing quite a bit of Joanna leading Son through different places so he can see weird things. As interesting as those things are, if those aren't plot seeds planted for later use, then they don't do much for the overall story arc. If they're there to slide us gently into the weirdness that is fairyland, then I think you can accomplish that while still tying them into the future story. For now I'm going to assume that that is what you have done, and if it's not then I'll bug you about it again when I get to the end of the book. For me, these chapters were fine as is, although a bit more personal investment from Son would be good - He's learned a bit about Trahaearn from Joanna, how does he feel about it and does it change his opinion of the man? - His thoughts on Joanna on how she treats the people they visit, and on the fates of those people (you did well with the dancer) - He thinks often "Papa waits" at the edge of the pool, but I didn't feel a change in his conviction. I didn't see what it was specifically that allowed him to overcome his fear. Tying it to the last conversation he had with his father, when the older man remarks that the boy has changed, would be a fine note to hit. - Most importantly, his thoughts on retreating from the entrance to fairyland. Does he worry about going back the same way, or does he want to ask Trahaearn if there's another way but now's not the time, or does he lament having come so close and having overcome his fear for nothing? Less seriously, does he have any thoughts about the now-damp-maybe-ruined clothing he described so favourably a few pages earlier? All in all, I enjoyed this. Well-written as all the others have been, well-paced, and still keeping the fairy tale feel of all the previous submissions. Well done again, and I look forward to the next. Can I ask if this is a finished work or how long it is?

Not the and/and sentence, it was this one: “Thank you for your quick payment, is there anything else I can do for you today?”

Correct, specifically of the type I've usually seen referred to as a Chinese wheelbarrow, with the wheel toward the middle of the cart rather than up at the very front. But I can't really call it a "Chinese wheelbarrow" in this setting.

There's definitely some wordiness here. Hopefully as I get more comfortable writing the story and take some time for a grammar pass I'll be subjecting you to less of it. Yes it's obvious that an Angel is involved, the point I clearly have not made well is that that is almost unthinkable. I'd imagined the cart as having a single wheel near the middle, and no axle. It needs a better description. I will definitely rethink and reduce and modify the and/and constructions I would call it a comma splice, but I guess that's a sort of run-on. Thanks for all the comments. I think a lot of the setting and character details weren't clear to me and it shone through here (The angels role and visibility, Giselle's age, etc.) Having you and others comment on it will help me cement things going forward. Your input is very much appreciated.

P1 - If there's a more efficient way to remove an arm, it should use less energy, no? P9 - He jumps close to the soldiers where he states that their weapons are useless, but then he proceeds to take those same weapons and effectively wield them back at them at the same range. P10 - Hot metal becomes softer. Is there some other effect, like enhanced strength, that allows the spear to pass so easily through armor? if so, it should be stated here. There's an awful lot of backstory, mostly in the first three pages but also sprinkled throughout. As interesting as the ideas might be, it loses something for a story this short. It reads like a history text, and I often found myself skimming. I'm not sure who Elias was supposed to be, but he sort of comes out of nowhere at the end. I think I can toss most of my general thoughts into answering your questions Writing/formatting/grammar: -I read a lot but have little knowledge regarding what is the "right way" to write. I apologize for any glaring mistakes and would appreciate your feedback. - I didn't flag line edits, but even without fixing typos there are some things you can change. The first thing you could do to improve the readability is to cut down the size of the paragraphs. Some of them take up almost a whole page and encompass a dozen different thoughts and actions. Splitting those up would improve the pacing. if you do want to focus on the language element, I'll pay more attention in the future to note the things I think are off. Infodump: -Too much info? Not enough? What did you not understand? What do you wish there was more info on? - So much infodump, and despite it all I still don't have a solid understanding of why the main character feels such a weight on his shoulders that he wants to die, I have no idea how widespread the use of magic is, and I have no idea why this war is being fought in the first place. If you're going to dump information, make sure it's relevant to the action at hand, or cut it out or save it for a quieter scene. Characters: -First impressions of Andrinal? Dirk? - Andrinal seemed overly-competent until I realized that that was his thing, being magically built up and all. Dirk was annoying until I realized that his attitude was a function of the way he wielded magic, and then it was less bad, and it came close to being an interesting quirk in the relationship between the two but I think it could have been played up more, especially since Andrinal must know that Dirk being Dirk helps him be himself. Action: - Were you entertained? (ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? -Andrinal doing best Russel Crowe impression) - I'd say no. There are some interesting concepts here, but the execution leaves me wanting. Mostly because I'm not sure I ever got enough of a feel for why people were doing what they were doing and why it mattered. Action is entertaining when it's a struggle for someone to get what they want, and in this story Andrinal isn't very interesting as a person, despite his interesting abilities. Even the conclusion, where Andrinal apparently gets what he wants in death, we get no idea of how he feels about it, we just get this giant monster killing and eating a wizard which normally SHOULD BE REALLY COOL but it came out of nowhere and didn't do anything for the plot. At that point Andrinal had already been mortally wounded so I didn't see why it mattered that Elias showed up to take down the wizard or not. Magic: -Did it strike you as interesting or ehhh? -Anything leave you saying aww come on? Anything you wished I did? - I suppose it's interesting as a premise, fueling powers with different emotions, but I'm not sure I got enough of a sense of why the effects were different or what the limits are. You had these despair mages which can make people... despair. And then you have Andrinal whose rage heats metal and turns horses into slag and I'm not sure why that should be. He doesn't ever seem to get weaker doing what he does and I wonder why, if he can slag a horse, he doesn't just slag the entire army, because he seems to be able to do it at a distance, or did I miss something? Is this supposed to be a standalone story or a part of a longer work?

Okay, because by "cost something" I didn't mean that I necessarily needed to see him pull mana from the mountains or swallow a piece of silver or something. I enjoy the magic realism approach where some things just are the way they are as a natural order of things. I really enjoyed the mirrors and the winds and the trapped Gods and such. I meant that if he had the ability to force the demon to turn on its servants, then it needed to be clear why he waited so long to pull off that trick because he let it go so long that Alssia got hurt because of it. It came across to me as being an extremely easy thing to do for him, so I wondered why he didn't just do it right away, and "because it costs him something he's reluctant to give up" is the most common answer to that particular question. And if there is no cost, then I'd still like to know why he chose not to do it right away.

I quite enjoy this approach, and think you handled it well in this particular story. Out of curiosity, was this in response to the paragraph of mine where I stated it felt like the trip was too easy? Because if so I can clarify what I meant.

So your first choice is to become Alan Moore?

I didn't notice. It's a critique group, you're supposed to be honest about why you disliked something so the author can improve where they're currently weak. Some people may have their feelings hurt by this, but I wouldn't say that's the same as being rude. That being said, I do try (and often fail) to point out the things I did like, so it's not all doom and gloom. I've noticed you also highlight the good with the bad, so I think you're doing just fine here.

Nice to meet you, and looking forward to reading your stuff. Also, I LOVED Dead Like Me. Another show gone too soon

In the first chapter, it's explained that the sister's been sick for a week or so, but Giselle thinks she's faking it. She assumes her sister's been sneaking out in the night and waits up to confront her on it when she returns. For your comment about the angel, I'll need go over that to make sure that the intent is clear. Angels are a common enough sight, but there's little to no interaction Thanks for reading! I'll need to look at Giselle's reaction and motivation, and the mother as well. Cold is definitely not what I was going for. Thanks for the other comments as well regarding the writing. i didn't get a chance to do as deep of a second pass on this submission as I did on the first, but that's no excuse. Thanks for this. As I said to King, it seems that Giselle's thought process and motivations aren't clear. I'll see what I can do to clean that up. The relationship between the humans and the angels should come into light fairly soon. I went for minimal details early, building up to more. I hope you keep reading to let me know if you feel it was the right choice or if I need to put more up front. I'm still not sure about not putting Leni in earlier. Something to think about for the second draft. Thanks for this and the other comments, much appreciated.

P1 - "the day was braking" - breaking P2 - "Idris was sweating before they had left the border" - Feels like we've hopped into Idris' POV here. P2 - "and she like looking" - liked P2 - The devils pleading for tribute is a wonderful bit of worldbuilding, as compared with what we know about how people catch gods. I liked this and was immediately curious to know more. P3 - From "Run. Now." to the end of the next paragraph, you use "now" 4 times. P3 - "along the ride behind" - ridge P4 - "keep he hold" - her P8 - When Idris hits the jackal, does he do it with his fists? P8 - "One came at her on the left." - This paragraph is a mess, and I had a very hard time following the action. P9 - "The breath went out of him" - This isn't something Alssia can know, feels like another pov shift. P10 - "noticcably" - Too many "c"s P14 - "she should have be terrified" - been You may want to change the name of the dark-skinned man named Idris, because I saw Idris Elba all the way through and it took me out of the story somewhat. The first paragraph is a heavy read, with a lot of details thrown at once that I knew right away I wasn't going to remember. Maybe cut a few names to introduce them later, and make sure you hit the ones you do present here often enough so that they can be remembered into paragraph two and beyond. And after telling us the names and responsibilities of everyone else, dropping in Idris without telling us who he is or what he does makes it impossible to know why he's with Alssia. I found their trip a little too easy, particularly where it comes to the cost of the magic involved. I assume some amount of magic was involved in Idris speaking to the demon that then turned on its servants. This took out a serious threat and seemed to have taken very little effort. I guess I'd like to have seen Idris need to sacrifice something to achieve it, or have you explain why he didn't lead with that maneuver. All in all, I enjoyed it, but my final thoughts are that the whole thing seemed fairly easy. That they should be able to send out two humans to trap a god in less than a day seems odd, unless you show us that the gods (or demons) are everywhere. I know they need to find a specific type, but I didn't feel like we saw enough of the others. There was the stone lion, and the fire one which responded first to the idol, and a mention that the jackals were demon-enhanced or something, but I would have liked to have seen more of them along the way, even if they were ambivalent towards the humans. I enjoyed the ending, and that the two of them will find some measure of togetherness in sharing god duties, but you dropped the ball on a promise in my opinion. Alssia mentions that Qadim had changed, and that Idris would change as well. In the moment where she took it upon herself to finish binding the demon, I thought we would get to see Alssia and Idris change as well, but we didn't. Not even a hint of how things might be different. Good stuff. Needs a bit of work in some places, but a compelling story overall,

In Chapter One, Giselle is left to cover for the work her ailing sister would normally do, and she isn't happy about it. In the middle of the night, she's awoken by a noise, and goes to find that her sister is sneaking out of the house under cover of darkness. Giselle waits by the entrance for her sister to return so that she can confront her.

I had exactly the same panic attack the first time I sent mine. The distribution list is smart enough not to copy off to the sender, regardless of how comforting it is to know you didn't goof it up.

Welcome to Reading Excuses! Have you asked to be added to the distribution list to receive all of the submissions? That would be step one, and then it looks like you're first in line to submit for next week (Monday), but Silk can confirm that when they poke their head back into this thread.

Seconded.

For me, knowing that Joanna comes from fairyland and was brought over by Trahaearn, it makes sense that she behaves differently than what I would expect from a normal human girl, and that she'd be matter-of-fact about things which are weird to the narrator, but perfectly normal to her. I see her acting as some sort of guide to the narrator, and I very much liked her characterization.