Chapter One Of My Novel

[Inky]

Hi! I'm writing a book I guess. Here's chapter one - feel free to critique!

Warning - there is one (1) swear word in this chapter, and don't expect that number to decrease as the series progresses 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SOAioJk8oRvIjuS6duR1kc_04tvMKAWAq-Zl6SCr9Vc/edit?usp=sharing

[Kureshi Ironclaw]

Nice stuff, your voice reminds me of my own writing. I enjoyed the imagery and characterization in the first few paragraphs so that hooked me in to read more. Your worldbuilding is intriguing and I think you've given away just enough that I'm curious to learn more without feeling like you've info-dumped. The issue I found was that the chapter didn't really feel like it had any story happening in it for the first few pages. It felt like there was more trajectory towards the end of the chapter but as the reader I didn't feel I had been shown enough to understand the character's actions and motivations. I think you could fix this without much issue, probably by just changing what information you present at what times. It seems like you have all the background stuff you need sorted out so the fix might be to add a single sentence in the first few paragraphs. Other than that, I think it is good and I would like to see more.

[Inky]

9 hours ago, Kureshi Ironclaw said:

The issue I found was that the chapter didn't really feel like it had any story happening in it for the first few pages.

Yeah, I had a bit of an issue there. I'll probably iron it out in editing.