Jump to content

Immersion Feedback


Recommended Posts

This is going to be terrible on the grammar side of things, but that's not important for this piece. Long story short, I'm trying to work on my horror writing and the requisite immersion and would appreciate a rating/feedback/some tips/something on how much/how/why this short bit immerses you or how/why it doesn't. Thanks!


Your ribs hurt. Days of minimal movement and this frantic dash didn't mix well. This oppressive darkness seemed like it made everything worse, and the wheezing of the cavewinds did nothing to alleviate the trickle of fear down your back.
Staying still wasn't safe, but you had no choice. Your breath came in quick spurts, in and then back out without end. You couldn't run any further, not without a moment to stop. Your thoughts lagged, exhaustion weighing you down.
They said you'd know where to go, if you were worthy.
You began to worry about that second part.
How long had you been down here?
It doesn't matter. Time is irrelevant in the caves.
It could be minutes, if you weren't exhausted. 
It could be hours.
It could be years.
And then something changes. A groaning, clanking noise echoes up from the left-hand tunnel.
It was getting closer.
Your breath speeds back up from the minute amount it had spaced out. There wasn't another tunnel to escape from. Even the one you came in through is gone now, through some trickery.
Ever closer, still.
Ever louder, still.
There is no escape.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think this would benefit from some sensory input. Most of what I see is action (run, lagged, etc.) or descriptions of a physical state (hurt, exhausted, etc.). This helps to describe how the protagonist is feeling, but says very little about their surroundings and emotional reactions. Perhaps "This oppressive darkness seemed like it made everything worse, and the wheezing of the cavewinds did nothing to alleviate the trickle of fear down your back." could be improved like so: "The oppressive darkness closed around your body like a weighted cloak of velvet, amplifying your anxieties and fears. As you crawled through the blackness, every scratch of skin against stone sent a shiver up your spine. At any moment, your hands might brush against something other: something deadly and dangerous. As you pressed onward, the sound of wind blowing through the caverns reminded you of a dying man's wheezes, doing nothing to help alleviate your growing panic."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Create New...