What Would Hoid Do?

Renegade · May 17, 2014

What would Hoid do if he had his own Shard?

My personal theory is that he would create his own magic system based off of himself, called Scourgebinding. Instead of bonding with spren to gain powers, Scourgebinding involves bonding with articles of clothing. Thus, the Tights Radiant were born. (Hoid can be a very cruel person when he’s not trying to stop violent Shards.)

Thievery: The Scourge of Skillful Kleptomania. Those with this scourge impulsively and expertly pickpocket anyone they meet.

Bafflement: The Scourge of Utter Stupefaction. Those who use this scourge gain the ability to make all people nearby gawk at them in complete confusion.

Annoyance: The Scourge of Obsessive Irritation. Those who have this scourge gain the ability to make all around them groan in pain, as they receive an eternal headache.

Insanity: The Scourge of Incoherent Blather. Those with this scourge have the uncanny ability to cause others around them to back away in fear.

Stalking: The Scourge of Alarming Pursuit. Those with this scourge become ultimate ninjas, capable of walking right behind people without being noticed, and instinctively knowing the location at which someone lives.

Disguise: The Scourge of Surreptitious Sneakiness. Those who have earned this scourge have the ability to instantaneously grow any kind of mustache.

Insufferable Conceit: The Scourge of Willful Snobbery. Those with this scourge have the ability to cause everyone they meet to instantly lose their respect for them.

Insult: The Scourge of Offensive Heckling. Those with this scourge are granted the ability to break friendships, end relationships, and start battles in the most hilarious and ironic ways possible.

Humor: The Scourge of Friendly Mocking. Those using this scourge can make all around them giggle stupidly, laugh obnoxiously, or chuckle incoherently.

Wandering: The Scourge of Aimless Striding. Those with this scourge have the honorable ability to take the longest possible path to reach a destination, and to invariably get lost in the most straightforward places.

First Ideal of the Tights Radiant:

Novelty before Redundancy, Alias before truth, Goofiness before fashion.

Windstunner: The Tights Radiant Order of Thievery and Bafflement. Windstunners were an order known for their underhanded methods of robbery. They would often act like total buffoons, attracting attention and causing complete confusion. Suddenly, they would strike down upon their foes, pickpocketing them and running away and laughing maniacally before their victims were able to come to their senses. The Windstunners also taught their own squires about the art of deceit. In truth, the Windstunners only recruited squires so that they could be pickpocketed. Windstunners are bonded to Beltspren.

Second Ideal of the Windstunners:

I will confound those who cannot confound themselves.

Third Ideal of the Windstunners:

I will confound even those I hate, so long as it is humorous.

Sighbreaker: The Tights Radiant Order of Bafflement and Annoyance. The Sighbreakers were one of the most despicable orders of the Tights Radiant. They had numerous verbal spars with the Windstunners, because they believed that the Windstunners were using the Scourge of Thievery immoral. During these verbal battles, the Windstunners would often stealthily pickpocket the Sighbreakers. The Sighbreakers were named for the sighs of agony that come from anyone within audible range their Annoying drivel. Sighbreakers are bonded to Hatspren.

Second Ideal of the Sighbreakers:

I will put obnoxiousness before all else.

Cussbringer: The Tights Radiant Order of Annoyance and Insanity. Cussbringers were a reckless order, often hanging at the edge of sanity (and cliffs). They were a particularly vicious order because of their combined use of the Scourge of Annoyance and Insanity. Whereas the Sighbreakers would eventually feel remorse for those they Annoyed, the Cussbringers were Insane; they would never shut up. The term “Cussbringers” was coined quickly, and the other orders, particularly those with the Scourge of Insult, would line up and systematically shout curses at unruly Cussbringers. Cussbringers are bonded with Sockspren.

Hedgedancer: The Tights Radiant Order of Insanity and Stalking. The Hedgedancers were one of the most disconcerting orders, often found sneaking on top of hedges or atop roofs. As they had the Scourge of Stalking, they were impulsively compelled to follow and spy on those they felt were suspicious. Of the two orders with Scourge of Stalking, the Hedgedancers were by far the least sneaky and the clumsiest. They would try to attract as much attention to themselves as possible, but their Stalking ability also caused them to become impossible to see by those they were Stalking. Hedgedancers tended to find the highest places possible to Stalk their victims. Once they found their victim’s house, they would enter and their Insane Scourge would take over, forcing them to juggle fruits or stand on one foot or do other impractical things. The Hedgedancers are bonded to Glovespren.

Second Ideal of the Hedgedancers:

I will stalk those who think they have been forgotten.

Truthstalker: The Tights Radiant Order of Stalking and Disguise. The Truthstalkers were the ultimate masters of ninja-ness. They could impersonate anyone and Stalk anyone they wished. The other orders used them as spies, informants, and pranksters. The Truthstalkers themselves wished to find out the truth behind human behavior. But after centuries of fruitless searching and Stalking, they realized that there are no truths behind human behavior; humans are completely irrational. Truthstalkers are bonded to Jacketspren.

Fightweaver: The Tights Radiant Order of Disguise and Insufferable Conceit. The Fightweavers were a sly, conniving order who would spark fights and wars. With the Scourge of Disguise, they would imitate a random person nearby, and with the Scourge of Insufferable Conceit, they would provoke anger and jealousy into anyone who heard their words. Then, the Fightweaver would use Disguise to return to their normal self, and the mob would attack the person whom the Fightweaver was imitating. Due to their underhanded techniques, they were not well-liked by the other orders. The Fightweavers did not have any Ideals other than the First Ideal. Instead, their power grew as they started conflicts. Fightweavers are bonded with Scarfspren.

Blame-Someone-Elsecaller: The Tights Radiant Order of Insufferable Conceit and Insult. The Blame-Someone-Elsecallers were known for accusing others for their crimes. They were the most provocative order of the Tights Radiant, shouting out Insults while simultaneously praising their own magnificence. The Blame-Someone-Elsecallers were often not successful in their attempts to blame others, so they hired Truthstalkers and Fightweavers to Disguise themselves as distractions. The Blame-Someone-Elsecallers are bonded to Vestspren.

Witshaper: The Tights Radiant Order of Insult and Humor. The Witshapers were called the most holy of the orders, and they often had visions with the great and mighty Hoid. Through him, they learned the wittiest Insults and puns to torture their victims with. Speaking with a Witshaper was a great honor, as much as it was horrible and agonizing. The Witshapers instigated wars, baffled linguists, and tortured passers-by with their sleight of tongue. To keep up their reputation, they brought tall, foldable stools wherever they traveled. Once they reached a place they felt was important, they set down their stool and sat atop it, shouting down Insults at whomever was unfortunate enough to pass by. Witshapers are bonded to Cloakspren.

Phonyward: The Tights Radiant Order of Humor and Wandering. The Phonywards were Wandering travelers who spread warmth and joy throughout the world. They used their Humor and made witty jokes to anyone they saw. They were constantly Wandering, and were a rather superfluous order since nobody could ever locate them unless they were not looking for them in the first place. The reason that the created such witty puns and Wandered constantly was that they were actually a very insecure order, and would search all their life for a place to fit in. They used their jokes and puns to cover up their insecurities, which is why they were known as the Phonywards. They are bonded to the reclusive Sandalspren.

Bondbreaker The Tights Radiant Order of Wandering and Thievery. The Bondbreakers were an order of only three, because Hoid would never be so cruel to let more of them run rampant in the world. Actually, yes he would. But, in any event, there were only three Bondbreakers at any one time. It was up to the Bondbreakers to instigate rivalries and wars between the orders of the Tights Radiant. They Wandered about, finding other Tights Radiant members, and used Thievery to stealthily steal from them. The victims blamed the other orders, and wars broke out between orders. But the Bondbreakers’ work was never finished. Bondbreakers are bonded with Trouserspren.

Second Ideal of the Bondbreakers:

I will divide instead of unite. I will break men apart.

…And meanwhile, Hoid will be sitting back in his Shardic castle, laughing at the foolish things the petty mortals attempt to do with this magic system.

Jo and the Bush · May 17, 2014

You SIr, are a Genius. You also put way too much Time into this.

BreathTaker · May 17, 2014

Agreed, I laughed my chull off... weird I don't remember having a chull.

GreyPilgrim · May 17, 2014

This... This is amazing.

Glaring at the Survivor · May 18, 2014

Nohadon must have had the Scourge of Wandering.

I think he was a Bondbreaker.

Edited May 18, 2014 by Stroniax

Awesomeness Summoned · May 18, 2014

Thievery: The Scourge of Skillful Kleptomania. Those with this scourge impulsively and expertly pickpocket anyone they meet

It would seem my Wes character from Game 2 of Sanderson Elimination was a Scourgebinder and I didn't even know it. Not sure what Tights Radiant he would have been but I lean towards the Windstunners.

Very well thought out theory Renegade and made me laugh quite a bit