Steelheart: The What-the-Calamity Edition

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

Note: I adore Steelheart. Fangirling over it is one of my favorite pastimes. And, as with all books I love, my favorite sort of tribute is to make it wacky. So welcome to the what-the-Calamity edition of Steelheart. 

 

How Newcago Got Its Name 

 

"Hmph. Chicago. I don't like it. Too much freedom." 

 

"I completely agree." 

 

"I'm going to start a new 'Cago. With blackjack, and hookers." 

 

"Extra hookers, please." 

 

"Shut up, Fortuity." 

 

"I said please!" 

 

Eternal Night: Origins 

 

"Hey, there, fella! Good morning!" 

 

*grumble* 

 

"Hey, Nightweilder! Beautiful morning!" 

 

"If you like that sort of thing." 

 

"Nightweilder! Good morning!" 

 

"And what is so good about it?" 

 

"Well, it's morning! Aren't you a morning person?" 

 

"No! I am not a morning person! I will never be a morning person, and….hm…." 

 

"Uh, Nightweilder? What's with the creepy grin?" 

 

"Yes….yes, I see it now…" 

 

"See what? You're creeping me out, man." 

 

"There can be no morning people if there is no morning!" 

 

Future Swearing 

 

"How could you?" 

 

"How could I what?"

 

"I can't believe a good man like you would do such a thing!" 

 

"What? What'd I do?" 

 

"That dog of yours. Such a foul name!" 

 

"….His name is Sparky." 

 

"Think of the children!" 

 

Megan's Secret 

 

"Firefight is an illusionist!" 

 

Okay, Megan. Just play it cool. They don't know the other thing. They don't know that Firefight is--

 

"Huh. With all the stuff we've gotten wrong about Firefight, I wouldn't be surprised if he was actually a girl." 

 

Sparks. 

 

Conflux: Readers React 

 

Reader: Hey, everyone. I don't mean to interrupt this super-intense interrogation scene, but I just wanted to say that you guys ROCK! Tia, you're smart; David, you're amazing; Abraham is a real stand-up guy; Cody's awesome; Prof, I knew you'd be awesome the minute you walked in wearing that black lab coat; and Conflux…you're the best! Can I hug you? 

 

Prof: ….

 

David: ….

 

Abraham: ….

 

Tia: ….

 

Cody: ….

 

Conflux: I like hugs! 

 

Reader: Okay, um, this is awkward. I'll just, uh, let you get back to doing your thing. You guys are awesome! 

 

Prof: That was weird. 

 

Cody: Weirder than me? 

 

Prof: Nothing is weirder than you, Cody. 

 

Conflux: But….but I like hugs.

 

An Epic Recovery 

 

"David, what are you saying?" 

 

"I'm saying they're dead, Tia. Prof…Megan…they're both dead." 

 

"We got better!" 

 

"Prof! Megan! Wait—why are you talking in English accents?" 

 

I am Divine! (You Sure about That?) 

 

Steelheart said unto David, "And now, little worm, thine own weapon shalt be thy demise. Didst thou really think thou couldst defeat a god?" And he pulled the trigger. 

 

And David said unto Steelheart, "Stop exploding thyself. Stop exploding thyself." But lo, Steelheart could not, for David was exploding him with his own hands. 

Edited April 24, 2014 by TwiLyghtSansSparkles

[Queen Elsa Steelheart she/her]

I love Steelheart too! Welcome! I'm new too

[GreyPilgrim he/him]

This is quite...interesting. Gave me some giggles, though I am afraid of what goes on in your mind...

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

This is quite...interesting. Gave me some giggles, though I am afraid of what goes on in your mind...

 

Haha, thanks! I scare myself sometimes, so I figured, why not give that gift to others?

 

Elsa Steelheart? That is an awesome name. Then again, it combines two of my favorite things, so I might be biased.