[OB] Mad Lib Summary

[Stormlightning she/her]

So, Chaos just released a spoiler-free review of Oathbringer here. It's spoiler free thanks to some heavy censoring. So much, in fact, that it reminded me of a fun little game I used to play...

Okay, so this wasn't actually mad-libbing, because I did put some effort into making it coherent. But I figure we have one week to make a complete mess of find out what he hid in those paragraphs. At the very least, It's made me think about some crazy plot-twists I'd never considered before. I also think it will be hugely entertaining to Peter, so hey, I hope you get some laughs.

In the spoiler tags is the redacted sections of the spoiler review, as they appear in the post:

Spoiler

It starts with us finally seeing [REDACTED] go [REDACTED] the [REDACTED]. Then it turns out [REDACTED] didn't [REDACTED] [REDACTED] the [REDACTED], but [REDACTED], and [REDACTED]. You get [REDACTED] and it's immediately time for [REDACTED], and it's this epic [REDACTED] right away. Oh, and not only is it [REDACTED] [REDACTED], but just [redacted for swearing] [REDACTED] is [REDACTED].

It turns out [REDACTED] was the [REDACTED] [REDACTED] was [REDACTED] to be [REDACTED], and for a moment you [REDACTED]. All in [REDACTED] [REDACTED] was so [REDACTED], and [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] makes [REDACTED] [REDACTED] the [REDACTED]. All the while, [REDACTED], [REDACTED], and [REDACTED] are in [REDACTED] (because of [REDACTED]) at [REDACTED], fighting [REDACTED] and trying to get [REDACTED], but the [REDACTED] refuses to [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] tries to get [REDACTED] to [REDACTED], but [REDACTED] keeps [REDACTED]. All the while there's [REDACTED] [REDACTED] the [REDACTED]. Oh also there are [REDACTED], because why not, clearly more needed to be happening.

But then, [REDACTED] (the actual chapter title), [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [redacted for swearing] [REDACTED].

[REDACTED] just [redacted for swearing] [REDACTED], or [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] faces [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] and [REDACTED], and it is so [redacted for swearing] [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED], reaches [REDACTED], [REDACTED], [REDACTED] to [REDACTED], [REDACTED], and [REDACTED], and they are [REDACTED] into the [REDACTED] and it's so freaking amazingly awesome. You see [REDACTED] and [REDACTED]. Oh, and that's just the first half of the avalanche because then [redacted for swearing] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] with [REDACTED] and it's just insane. The most intense thing ever

Aaaaannnddd......here's my rendition. It's awful because come on, I only had so much to work with and generally tried to keep each 'redacted' to one noun/verb and maybe a pronoun or preposition where two were back to back. Some of this isn't realistic. Some of it is just dumb. And some of it is actually kinda giving me ideas...

 

It starts with us finally seeing SZETH go CONFRONT the STONE SHAMANS. Then it turns out SZETH didn’t KNOW WHERE THEY KEPT the HONORBLADES, but FOUND THEM, and DESTROYED THEM. You get REVENGE and it's immediately time for THE DESOLATION, and it's this epic REUNION right away. Oh, and not only is it KALADIN WORKING WITH SZETH, but just [redacted for swearing] ORODEN is ADORABLE.

It turns out NAVANI was the REASON DALINAR was ALLOWED to be BONDSMITH,  and for a moment you WEEP(yes that had to be readacted). All in RETROSPECT HER DEATH was so BELIEVABLE(also had to be), and FORESHADOWED. RENARIN makes VOIDBRINGERS ATTACK the RADIANTS. All the while, KALADIN, ESHONAI, and ELHOKAR are in TROUBLE (because of DAI-GONARTHIS) at KHOLINAR, fighting AESUDAN and trying to get TO URITHIRU, but the OATHGATE refuses to WORK. ELHOKAR tries to get PARSHENDI to HELP, but WIT keeps INTERFERING. All the while there's TARAVANGIAN MANIPULATING the SLEEPLESS. Oh also there are THE SKYBREAKERS, because why not, clearly more needed to be happening.

But then, THE CHAMPION (the actual chapter title), TURNS OUT TO BE [redacted for swearing] ZAHEL.

ADOLIN just [redacted for swearing] DREW SWORD-NIMI, or NIGHTBLOOD. ZAHEL faces DALINAR and MASALA and JASNAH, and it is so [redacted for swearing] GIBBLETISH. KALADIN OPENS THE OATHGATE, reaches URITHIRU, KILLS WIT, FLIES to DALINAR, MASALA, and JASNAH, and they are ELSECALLED into the EVERSTORM and it's so freaking amazingly awesome. You see THE NIGHTWATCHER and NERGAOUL. Oh, and that's just the first half of the avalanche because then [redacted for swearing] DUSTBRINGERS JOIN with ZAHEL and it's just insane. The most intense thing ever.

 

Your turn.

[Goatbringer he/him]

I started off trying to guess seriously, but then it devolved. I really don't have the sprawling cosmere awareness that most of the rest of you have so I hope you at least find this funny. 

 

It starts with us finally seeing DALINAR go CONFRONT the NIGHTWATCHER. Then it turns out CULTIVATION didn't BOND TARAVANGIAN the FIRST TIME, but KILLED HIM, and REPLACED HIM WITH A KANDRA. You get SCARED and it's immediately time for THE FIGHTING, and it's this epic ROMANTIC AFFAIR right away. Oh, and not only is it KALADIN VS ADOLIN, but just (swearing) JASNAH is DANCING.

It turns out KELSIER was the OTHER BONDSMITH and VASHER was TRYING to be ON "THE PRICE IS RIGHT", and for a moment you BELIEVED HIM. All in RIRA AND IRI was so PURPLE, and BLUE. RICK FROM THE WALKING DEAD makes A CAMEO APPEARANCE the WORLD OVER. All the while, SHALLAN, RENARIN and WINNIE THE POOH are in PRISON (because of WINNIE'S PSYCHOPATHIC MURDER SPREE) at DEATH MOUNTAIN, fighting ADDICTION and trying to get HEALTHY, but the GOVERNMENT refuses to REPEAL OBAMACARE. RAND AL'THOR tries to get KALADIN to MAKE OUT, but HOMOPHOBES keeps KAL FROM BEING HIS TRUE SELF. All the while there's A CLOWN IN the BACK OF YOUR MIND. Oh also there are SASQUATCHES, because why not, clearly more needed to be happening.

But then, THE STONEWALKER (the actual chapter title), PLAYED WITH THE (swearing) ROLLING STONES ONSTAGE.

DALINAR just (swearing) VOMITED, or SOMETHING. KALADIN faces MOM and DAD and BABY BROTHER, and it is so This post has been reported for attempting to skirt the rulesING OVER-THE TOP BRUTAL. SHALLAN EATS GAZ'S ROTTING CORPSE, reaches CLIMAX, FALLS OVER, PRAYS to HONOUR, CULTIVATION, and THE SURVIVAL SHARD, and they are TRICKED into the FRAY and it's so freaking amazingly awesome. You see THOR and THE HULK IN ONE MOVE. Oh, and that's just the first half of the avalanche because then (swearing) DALINAR GOES OUT with ESHONAI and it's just insane. The most intense thing ever.

Edited November 7, 2017 by Goatbringer
Didn't know I couldn't swear with *** signs. C'moooon.

[Marethyu316]

Quote

Didn't know I couldn't swear with *** signs. C'moooon.

Did you try "Storming" or "Kelek's Breath"?

[Goatbringer he/him]

Nah I didn't think those swears would have been redacted lol.

[What's a Seawolf?]

I am 99% certain this is correct.

Massive Cosmere spoilers ahoy.

Spoiler

It starts with us finally seeing Lift go eat the Divine Breath of Vasher. Then it turns out Kelsier didn't stay on Scardrial with the mask people, but worldhopped, and is actually Tezim, who is actually good. You get a Lift/Kelsier team up and it's immediately time for the pilfering of all food across Roshar, and it's this epic dinner stealing adventure right away. Oh, and not only is it the greatest thing ever by itself, but just damnation Adolin is an Edgedancer and Lift is his teacher!

It turns out Awakener Edgedancer Returned Teacher Lift was the reason Endownment brought back Vasher, and Nightblood was created to be her companion and weapon of unlimited food investiture destruction, and for a moment you gasp uncontrollably as Jasnah did upon seeing the two together. All in Odium's Braize were so utterly terrified, and immediately fled the greater Rosharian system. Dalinar makes Awakener Edgedancer Returned Teacher Lift the undisputed queen of Roshar. All the while, Mr. T, Amaran, and Mraize are in shock (because of the irrational dashing of their dreams) at this tiny not-giving-a-damnation eating machine, fighting Odium and trying to get Wyndle declared a voidbringer, but the more sensible Knight Radiant's refuse to label him as such, queen or no. The trio of evil tries to get Odium to return to Roshar, but Odium keeps running like hell away. All the while there's Cultivation grinning evily now that the path to Rosharian dominance has been cleared. Oh also there are Shades leaking in from Therondy, because why not, clearly more needed to be happening.

But then, Cultivation is a SOB (the actual chapter title), and is revealed to be the hive mind behind the aimians and bloody shatters Shallan's bond with Pattern and forces her way into Shallan's spiritweb, taking control of her.

Dark side Shallan just damnation stabs Adolin through the skull, or makes it appear that way and keeps him secretly prisoner, it's not quite clear. Dalinar faces Cultivation-controlled Shallan and summons STORMFATHER SHARDBLADE and Shallan responds with NIGHTWATCHER SHARDBLADE, and it is so bloody epic. Stormfather and Nightwatcher Shardblades meet with the combined force of a Highstorm and a being that can screw with anyone's Cognitive form, reaches Ruin/Preservation levels of destruction as half of Roshar is simply disintegrated, but Awakener Edgedancer Returned Teacher Lift, sitting in her castle made of baked goods talking to Kelsier, joins the fight, and Kelsier obviously does as well, and they are all in the midst of the most epic battle of all time when Cultivation-Shallan drags them into the Spiritual Realm and it's so freaking amazingly awesome. You see Vin and Kelsier's like, 'you know kid you died too soon hop out of this glowy place and let's beat up bad guys around the Cosmere.' Oh, and that's just the first half of the avalanche because then bloody Vin agrees to join team Lift/Kelsier so Cultivation-Shallan says screw it, and has a call with Autonomy, who agrees to team up and it's just insane. The most intense thing ever.

 

[Bort he/him]

@What's a Seawolf? I so wish I still had upvotes left today

That is epic.

[Rasha]

Quote

So, let's consider the alternative: what if the next books are so amazing that the first book is the weakest one? All in all, many of you are here because you loved The Way of Kings, but I imagine some were turned off from that one, and it could be hard to introduce our friends to this amazing series with The Way of Kings. Still, I suppose if our biggest problem is that the later books are so incredible that the earlier ones pale a bit in comparison, that's a pretty good problem to have. I'd happily take that over a beginning that has all the good stuff there, and then have pointless sequels afterwards. Things are looking really great here, both this book and the series as a whole.

 

Gardens of the Moon symptom. Well, if we arrive to it with the Stormlight Archive, it would mean that Brandon has done a fantastic job, I have no complaint about that.

[What's a Seawolf?]

12 hours ago, Goatbringer said:

RICK FROM THE WALKING DEAD makes A CAMEO APPEARANCE the WORLD OVER. All the while, SHALLAN, RENARIN and WINNIE THE POOH are in PRISON (because of WINNIE'S PSYCHOPATHIC MURDER SPREE)

This right here.

This needs to happen.

Rick and Dalinar could make for a very interesting power struggle.

[Goatbringer he/him]

8 hours ago, What's a Seawolf? said:

This right here.

This needs to happen.

Rick and Dalinar could make for a very interesting power struggle.

Not gonna lie, I do picture Jeffrey Dean Morgan as Dalinar when I read Stormlight, which is a weird connection I made just now

[OrangeJedi he/him]

On 11/6/2017 at 10:32 PM, Goatbringer said:

Oh, and not only is it KALADIN VS ADOLIN, but just (swearing) JASNAH is DANCING.

 

Jasnah does not dance, she raps.

 

Also here is mine:

It starts with us finally seeing ANARAM go BETRAY the SONS OF HONOR. Then it turns out MRAIZE didn't EXPECT JASNAH the RADIANT, but SHALLON, and PATTERN. You get SCARED and it's immediately time for A DUEL, and it's this epic FIGHT right away. Oh, and not only is it SUPER CRAZY, but just [redacted for swearing] LIFT is AWESOME.

It turns out ADOLIN was the SON was DESTINED to be THE CHAMPION, and for a moment you HAVE TO CRY. All in THE KOLIN FAMILY was so SAD, and GREIFSTRICKEN. JASNAH makes RENIRIAN KILL the CHAMPION. All the while, SHALLON, VASHER, and VIVIANA are in JAIL (because of MRAIZE) at KOLINAR, fighting THUNDERCLAUSTS and trying to get OUT, but the GAURD refuses to OPEN THE CELL. ADOLIN tries to get ELKOHAR to GET THEM OUT, but KINGDOM DUTIES keeps HIM OCCUPIED. All the while there's ISHAR the HEARLED. Oh also there are VOLCANOS, because why not, clearly more needed to be happening.

But then, THE ASSASIN (the actual chapter title), KILLS FOR NO REASON [redacted for swearing] KALADIN.

LIFT just [redacted for swearing] AWESOME, or CARZY. LOPEN faces MRAIZE and SHALLON and JASNAH, and it is so [redacted for swearing] COOL. KALADIN COME BACK ALIVE, reaches LOPEN,ALMOST DEAD, JUST IN TIME to HEAL LOPEN, SAVE SHALLON, and KILL MRAIZE, and they are HALWAY into the HIGHSTORM and it's so freaking amazingly awesome. You see SZETH and NIGHTBLOOD. Oh, and that's just the first half of the avalanche because then [redacted for swearing] DALINAR EATS with LIFT and it's just insane. The most intense thing ever.

 

I probably spelled most of the names wrong, please don't judge.