1.4.16 - Eisenheim - That Sweet Music (part 3) - V

[Eisenheim]

Last time:

After locating Gwydion's base in Dyflinn, Connor and his allies prepared for an assault the next day, only to be ambushed at dinner by the Singer, who bound them with a paralyzing spell.  Gerri, immune to music, Gerri fought off the few sellswords Gwydion had brought, but was felled with a poison smoke conjured by Gwydion.  Now Connor has seized command and leads the remaining band to find a ship and pursue Gwydion, for blood and vengeance.

 

As before, I'm interested in pacing, in characterization, whatever occurs to you.

[Mandamon he/him]

pg 1: "“Then pay them with my share.”  He shook Donn off and turned to the men who had come forward at his call."

--Is this only to get revenge for Gerri?  Otherwise Connor really has no stake and probably wouldn't give up his money for fighting over a throne in a foreign land.

 

pg 2: "but you have need of haste if your enemy has sailed already.”

  Hakon led them quickly through narrow streets to the wide"

--So I guess they hired Hakon?  Seems like something was left out here.

 

pg 5-6:  Not sure what I think about Connor's little temper tantrum.  Mainly it seemed to come from nowhere.  Is he upset about Gerri?  Really wants to get to Gwydion?  Bipolar?

 

pg 7: "Black Owain gutted the leading sellsword "

--Was this his own man?  I'm confused here.

--ok, I got it but I had to read those two paragraphs several times.  I was confused by the sellswords and sailors being described so close together.

 

pg 8: "They had only a few breaths before Gwydion looked over the top of the beach and cried his men on in that mighty voice."

--This again seems anti-climatic.  I get the impression that Gwydion just pops his head up and yells "kill them" from somewhere off in the distance.

 

pg 11: "He drove it down a second time, and ended Gwydion and all his spells"

--Well that was easy.  His broken sword doesn't even slow him down.

 

 

Final thoughts:

Is this the end?  It seems like it is, from your submission post and since Gwydion got killed, but I'm missing all the resolution.  What about Connor and Donn?  What about Gerri?  Does he survive?  Does Connor get paid?  Where exactly did they end up?  Does Conner get drive mad by the ghostly echoes of Gwydion's music?

 

Gwydion went down like a tuba player in a marching band, not like the heir (legitimate or not) to a kingdom.  The writing here is very good, and the descriptions often draw me in, but I'm left with an overall lack of tension and emotion in the story.  I don't ever get a good feeling for what Connor thinks about things and why he is doing them.  There's only a description of "this thing happened."

 

I think this has the elements of a really good Beowulf-style tale, with origins in oral tradition.  I think the pacing was good, minus a few places where it seemed like thing were missing.  But it's lacking all the boasting and embellishment from the teller (Connor).  Show me his raging heart over his friend Gerri!  Show me his condemnation of Donn and his hatred of the coward Gwydion!

[rdpulfer he/him]

- I really have been impressed with the pacing of this story throughout and so far I have not been disappointed.

 

- I like that you put limitations on the Gwydion's horn - that it can't get everyone, and those it does get struggle against it's control.

 

- I like the description of Ermer's massacre of the villagers. It's very horrific, especially when she's not the one under a spell.

 

 - I agree with Mandamon . . . this isn't it, is it? It seems like you've set these characters on a collision course. Not only do we have to see more of a clash with Gwydion, but also what became of everyone else, both immediately after the battle's end, and perhaps, further in the future. 

[Shrike76 he/him]

P2 - "a bead as stiff" - beard

P5 - Connor's rage here feels a little exaggerated. Is all of this because of Gerri? He was so casual going into this, and he's supposed to be a mercenary, surely it would have crossed his mind that someone might die in the endeavour of making other people dead? Is this the first time he's known the (near) death of a close friend or comrade? It doesn't feel probable.

P6 - "scarred by fire or Donn't lightning" - Donn's

P7 - A lot of confusion here for me. I don't know who Black Owain is, or why he was fighting the others at first. The I reread it a couple of times and realized that there was more than one group of men, and they weren't friends (although some were dressed the same?). I couldn't find a good reason why Hakon's men wouldn't already be armed.

P8 - If Gwydion's going to explode a ship, why the Broken Blade? And why now? that seems like something he could have done in the water to Hakon's ship instead of simply summoning a fog?

P8 - "to try rush past" - missing a word

P8 - "but it disorder the foemen's" - disordered?

P8 - "Connot himself was hard pressed" - Connor

P9 - "his men would be worsted" - Are the men being made into fabric?

P9 - Hakon's men staying on the beach because they'd never pledged themselves for such a battle, made me wonder why they fought in the first place.

P11 - "The horn screamed eagle" - I have no idea what this is trying to convey, in order to make Connor's steel sword shatter

 

One thing I would have liked to see, during the storm Gwydion summoned, was the reaction of Hakon's crew to that tune, and to Donn's. Is this sort of spell-singing so common that nobody's either impressed or terrified? All we get is that they're hard-pressed to hold a course. How common this magic is is something you haven't covered much elsewhere, and this would have been a nice place to show us a bit of how the world is built.

 

Connor finishing Gwydion is a satisfying end to the fight, but not at all a satisfying end to the story for me. There are a lot of unresolved elements, so many questions I feel could and definitely should be answered before wrapping this up, including but not limited to:

 - This sweet sound, is it a lingering spell that affects Connor permanently? And I don't remember Gwydion singing a single thing, he always played an instrument to cast his spells if memory serves. Also, this is the first time I can remember Connor giving a rat's behind about Gwydion's methods and motivations, or his (or anyone's) music, so I don't know why he'd be so broken up about it.

 - What happened to Gerri?

 - What happens to the horn now?

 - What about Emer, not that Connor knocked her down and out, how does their relationship change?

 - How do Donn and Connor see each other now that they've seen each other at their best. Is there at least a little respect, or even friendship after all of this?

 - Does Connor get paid, and with what? And does he go back home?

 - Do Hakon and his men get paid?

I was really hoping for a denouement to wrap up all, or at least some of the loose ends, and I was disappointed that the story ended the way it did, although I thoroughly enjoyed the rest of it.

You had me engaged right up until the end, I just needed the song to fade out rather than be cut off abruptly. Some character's motivations (I think I mentioned all the times those hit me oddly) could be cleared up, but in general I like the characters in the tale, I like the magic system (though its limitations aren't clear to me), and I like your writing style very much.

I look forward to reading more of your work.

[Shrike76 he/him]

Gwydion went down like a tuba player in a marching band

 

I laughed so hard reading this I scared the cat.

And then I went to Youtube to look up Tuba Fails and I was not disappointed in the least. There's a 7 Tuba Player Pileup.

Edited January 8, 2016 by Shrike76

[Mandamon he/him]

I laughed so hard reading this I scared the cat.

And then I went to Youtube to look up Tuba Fails and I was not disappointed in the least. There's a 7 Tuba Player Pileup.

 

Oh wow I need to watch that.

[Robinski he/him]

Details below, but summary, this was my least favourite submission so far. I found the combat passages confusing and didn’t really get much sense that combat was happening at all, I think because of the absence of description of any cut and thrust, only some sparse general outline of how Emer was fighting.

 

A big issue that I had was the topography of the beach, the angles and distances, which didn’t convince me at all. I still don’t think they work and I didn’t really get why there needed to be such a steep beach and just seeing things over the edge. Also, the size of the ships, which I became confused over, because I cannot believe that it would be feasible to beach at big sailing ship like a brigantine, a schooner or even a ketch. Apart from anything else, you’re going to have to wait for the tide to have any chance of getting it clear again, so no quick getaways. But there’s a reason that big ships anchor out of shallow ports. If a ship like that keels over it’s going to take major damage.

 

I found that I started to enjoy things more when they were beyond the beach and the fighting there. Gwydion raising the villagers against them in a state of madness is an excellent touch and shows his desperation very effectively. The response of the soldiers is also nicely handled, and we see Emer for what she is (if we had any doubts before now), a heartless hellcat. Man, she’s going to be pissed at Connor!! But she deserved it.

 

I was disoriented big style by the last past of the submission. Connor is still on the beach, then suddenly he is striking at Gwydion. Also, Connor’s ending of Gwydion is strangely impersonal. There’s no real sense of him killing and man, just finishing an enemy. Some physical description of Gwydion, and whether he’s fearful or angry at the end would add to this, I think.

 

This is the first submission in which I have found the language to be intrusive, as per my comments below. It felt a bit much in places, over-written if you like. There were places where I felt that a bit simpler would have been more effective.

 

Definitely still enjoying the story, but I wanted more from this part – particularly the early fighting scenes. Looking forward to the next part.

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

“sharply sloping shingled roves roofs”

 

“a greasy merchant and smuggler” – lol

 

“gold of King Math in Gwynedd”

 

“Math’s gold is not yours to spend, Eiren” – lol

 

“Then pay them with my share.” – This bothered me. As far as I can see, Connor is only in it for the money, so why would he give his away? I'm unconvinced by his sudden altruism.

 

Connor and Emer fall into conversation, ignoring Harke, which I thought was strange given that neither has addressed him or the question that they asked him. I thought it was particularly strange given that he is her uncle and she doesn’t even speak to or acknowledge him.

 

The names Harke and Hakon are very similar.

 

Also, there is no indication of any discussion with Hakon. He makes a statement and the next line they are following him down the road. It seems incautious on his part not to require details of what the mission is.

 

They come onto the enemy so quickly that there is no time to develop any tension in the encounter. I'm puzzling about how they caught Gwydion so quickly instead of wondering how they are going to defeat him.

 

“borne over the sea”

 

“love and raged and beat” – this is the second instance of this construction in as many sentences. I don’t mind this sort of affected styling but, personally, I’d prefer to see it used sparingly.

 

I like the tension in the encounter when Donn is throwing lightning about, and the surprise from Connor nicely highlights what a rare skill this is. I feel that this fight could have been even better with a tenser and slightly longer build up.

 

“thick and white as cream” – something odd about this phrase, in that white and cream are different colours.

 

“after what Donn’s had cost them” – I forget what the arrangement was, but doesn’t Connor get paid regardless of whether they catch Gwydion?

 

“Caution or not, there was nothing do but run the Sea-Wyrm up the beach beside the wreck of the Broken Blade” – Um, what about anchoring off the beach? I'm no sailor, but beaching a big ship like this sounds like a bad idea to me, and I'm surprised that Hakon would countenance it.

 

“Connor leapt out as soon as the surf around the prow was shallow enough” – I'm confused now. What kind of ship are they on?

 

I'm also a bit confused by what just happened with Black Owain. I see it as it unfolds, but I found the initial description a bit unclear.

 

“axes and dirks and short spears”, “Connor and Emer and the Cymric warriors” – per my earlier comments.

 

“Gwydion looked over the top of the beach” – so this is like his head appearing above crest of the shingle? I'm not keen on the geometry of this. Have you worked out the angles and distances involved? I'm not convinced they work.

 

“Connor swung his line back” – I thought he had a string or rope when I read this first.

 

“They matched Connor’s company man for man, about, and more of them wore armor and were men who knew battle.” – I find this sentence a bit confused.

 

“steel and red hair and laughter” – this is really annoying me now.

 

“past even his strength to overbear or blow some counter-tune” – but Connor’s not a singer, is he? And overbearing is not a verb.

 

“could not fall back as the battle turned against them” – Why not, because of Gwydion’s pipe?

 

I like how the battle madness spell is a bad thing, used by inexperienced singers. That’s a nice touch of complexity to show that singing is not all-powerful.

 

“just come to his man’s growth” – ugh, don’t like this phrase at all

 

As with the beach – the distances between Connor and Gwydion, and the fact that there is a wall and buildings of the whole town between them, make it hard to imagine how they can see each other. Also, Gwydion sounds quite far away, so distance is a factor too.

 

“as Connor crossed the final length to strike him” – This was an issue for me, there’s no description of Connor closing the distance between them, he’s just suddenly upon on him – it’s quite disorienting.

 

“The horn screamed eagle” – eh? What does that mean?

 

“heard his dirk shivered in its scabbard” – again, I don’t know what this means – did you mean shattered?

 

“he drove the rim as hard into Gwydion’s throat as all his speed and sinew could make it manage” – grammar is off here.

 

“He drove it down a second time, and ended Gwydion and all his spells” – fantastic line.

 

“the singer’s voice”

[Robinski he/him]

I'm reassured to see that others had the same view as me on some points. I actually presumed that there was another week to come - there is, isn't there? I find it hard to believe this is the end.

 

('went down like a tuba player' - rofl)

Edited January 9, 2016 by Robinski

[Eisenheim]

No, that's all I've got in this draft.

 

I haven't actually gone through all these comments carefully yet, because deadlines for other projects are looming, but thanks to everyone for commenting, and I'll be taking time with everyone's responses in the next few weeks.

[Robinski he/him]

I know Hollywood Formula suggests closing the story as close to the credits as possible, but I think what I missed was a sense of closure for the character. I thought you had set up a great conflict between Connor and Emer (him clubbing her!) that was unresolved and would, I think, have been very interesting to see play out. More interesting (for me personally) than the conflict with Gwydion, which I never felt especially strongly about, as we don't see him much 'on screen'.

 

Apart from anything else, I'm wrestling with something similar in the final chapter of my current project, which at the moment ends with a rather negative (potentially) confrontation between the main character and a major female character - so I'm interested to see any other take on that