A short test piece - fight scene using original magic system.

[Swimmingly he/him]

Tarbe was out on a summer stroll, breathing in the warm air. He might be going on seventy, but no one was going to keep him from his walks in the red Orra but the old reaper himself, no sir. Out of Quarrystown, toward the college, the smoke of the village became a barely visible plume behind the hills. The college itself was hidden over a rise, and the sparring grounds in the pit were always deserted at this time of-

His thoughts were cut short by a flurry of jade missiles that arced haphazardly out of the pit, shining despite the midday light and spraying white mist behind them. Tarbe ducked for cover, though the green flares came nowhere near, and, against his better judgement, creeped closer to the pits.

Peeking over the top and getting his own Charge ready - just in case - Tarbe watched the duelers below. One boy stood in the centre of the large, irregular patch of sand - he was tall and stringy, wearing a reddish brown shirt, and the green flashes that had arced out of the pit earlier gathered around his right arm like fireflies, buzzing off toward his opponent every few seconds. In his left arm, he held a staff coming up to his chest, and every so often, a pulse of deep red light would run along its length, bouncing off the ends before soaking back into his skin. The lights flashed off of the stony, dusty walls of the sparring pit.

The other boy was shorter, but thicker, with a head of dark hair, and he dashed around the outside of the yard, trailing smoke and blazes of blue and orange from his weapon. The staff was held two handed, and he used it like a vaulting pole, sending blue down it to blast him away from whatever it touched and orange to anchor it when he should have gone into a skidding tumble. Sand rolled around him as he sprinted, including a few puffs he launched himself to act as a smokescreen.

Tarbe grinned, remembering his own duels in that very pit as a young man. His Charges were similar to the fast one's, but more of a general deflection away and a drawing towards, and much weaker. Still, he could pull the salt to him from across the table, and that boy would have to touch something to affect it, from the look of it. It had made him a devil to hit in close quartets, but a caster like the tall one could have taken him down easily.

The fast one had spiraled in close enough to make a pass at the tall one now, and rammed his staff into the ground with a blue flash. It catapulted him sideways, and he soared towards the middle position the caster had taken, pulling his legs up into a tight, swift ball.

The caster was calling green flashes more and more quickly, using the staff now to aim them, until the air flashed with green lightning. Fast had already swung his feet up, however, and they soaked in to his legs and shins as he flew toward Tall. Tarbe winced - whatever the green stuff was, it couldn't feel too good.

Tall backed off cautiously as the shorter boy shoved himself to his feet, leaning on his staff as his legs recovered from the missiles. His heartstone healed him a few seconds later, and he dashed forward, staff charged blue from his right hand. The staves descended, and each clack of wood was punctuated by a harsh blaze of blue, staggering Tall backwards. For the moment it gave him the advantage, but the counter to Tall's missiles -the red charge he had been using earlier - must have sped up his reactions enough that he could block each charged blow, evening the field.

A moment later, the combatants drew apart again, settling into formal fighting stances. Tall - Tarbe recognised him now, a boy named Bird who wandered into town for supplies every couple weeks - fell into Boar stance, low and cautious as his staff pulsed red again, while the fast one - Derek, if Tarbe was any judge - took the aggressive Bear stance, staff held higher and slightly to the side. They circled for a moment, then Derek leapt forwards, staff shimmering blue. He swung at Bird in a series of quick blows from the sides, breaking his defence with charged strength, before switching into a brutal set of overhand blows.

Bird's left arm blazed crimson as he drew all he could from it, boosting his reflexes to supernatural speeds for an instant. As Derek brought another glowing blow down toward Bird, Bird reversed his grip and planted his staff in Derek's chest. He sent one last pulse of green brilliance through the staff, falling backwards from the effort, just as Derek reacted, grabbing the staff and pulsing blue into the taller boy's gut with a shove.

Tarbe watched in morbid fascination as Bird flew backwards with a sharp crack of concussed air - or bones - and Derek fell over, spasming and unconscious. They both landed with puffs of sand, out cold.

Tarbe hurried down. Derek would almost certainly be alright, as Bird's stunners weren't lethal, but Bird might be in trouble if the charge had hit anything vital. As far as he could tell, though, he was lying as still as a corpse, face towards the sun. Tarbe craned his neck as he got closer, trying for a look at Bird's face. It seemed fine, but was he breathing? A second passed, then two, as Tarbe watched his chest for signs of life - what would he tell Derek?

[Unknowingly he/him]

Thats really good. This magic system piques my intrest. If you are considering writing a book then I wish you the best of luck.

[Swimmingly he/him]

The magic system works thusly:

- The vast majority of people posses a pair of magical powers, called Charges, and a healing factor from a stone near their heart called, imaginatively, a Heartstone.

-Charges: They have a strong charge and a weak charge that they can draw from their dominant and off hands respectively. These charges manifest visibly in complementary colours, though either can be dominant. Their eyes are the same colour as their Charges, on the same sides. Charges can do a wide variety of things, and are always opposites or near-opposites. Their level of power can be anywhere from one equal to each other to the weak Charge barely existing.

- Heartstone: Direct source of Charges and healing, it pulses every few seconds and heals minor wounds and scratches. This can not be controlled mentally. It will not heal larger wounds such as broken bones, though it will slowly eliminate scars. By drawing too much or healing too much, it can become overdrawn (spoilers, this is what just happened to Bird, though it's not yet apparent). An overdrawn Heartstone will not let you draw Charges from it; nor will it let you heal until it recovers. This can be anywhere from an hour to a week, depending on how much you stressed it.

Charges can be missiles, like Bird's flares, require a touch, like Derek's blasts, act like a field around you that you can apply it in, hit anything in your area, affect exclusively you, or any of a hundred other combinations. Charges likewise are fairly diverse, but the basics are Kinetic, Body, Energy and Mind powers. Even these are fairly broad - Bird's Charges stun (green) and speed/awaken (red), which fall mostly in the Mental but affect your body as well. Kinetic powers like Derek's are most common, while Charges affecting forces other than movement are rarer. Concussive charges generally fall into Kinetic unless there's heat produced - that's Energy. Again, the categories are pretty arbitrary. A good rule of thumb is that Body and Mind charges usually harm and heal, whereas Kinetic and Energy charges just hurt two different ways.

[Quiver he/him]

This fight has a very Mistborn vibe to it to me, with the way the combatants are moving around and duelling while using the magic.

In terms of prose, I really liked the opening lines; they gave a quick, easy way into Tarbe's head. I admit, I got a little confused towards the end juggling which was Tall, which was Bird, who was Fast and who was Derek, and what their respective charges were. I am very curious to see what other variations of charge you come up with though; from your description, it sounds like three quarters of them are combat oriented.

Is there a system for determining who gets what Charge or what colour it is, or is it a random case of genetics, misting-style? I'm really intrigued by a world where magic is this common, judging from your statements, so I'm curious about how it all interacts in the wider context of the world.

EDIT Oh, and a personal preference and probably not important. Obviously, that's how you space a paragraph in a novel. It's silly, but since I didn't give much valuable insight, I figured I'd say that for some reason that sort of formatting on a web page is hard to read for me.

Edited January 16, 2014 by Quiver

[Swimmingly he/him]

This fight has a very Mistborn vibe to it to me, with the way the combatants are moving around and duelling while using the magic.

In terms of prose, I really liked the opening lines; they gave a quick, easy way into Tarbe's head. I admit, I got a little confused towards the end juggling which was Tall, which was Bird, who was Fast and who was Derek, and what their respective charges were. I am very curious to see what other variations of charge you come up with though; from your description, it sounds like three quarters of them are combat oriented.

Is there a system for determining who gets what Charge or what colour it is, or is it a random case of genetics, misting-style? I'm really intrigued by a world where magic is this common, judging from your statements, so I'm curious about how it all interacts in the wider context of the world.

EDIT Oh, and a personal preference and probably not important. Obviously, that's how you space a paragraph in a novel. It's silly, but since I didn't give much valuable insight, I figured I'd say that for some reason that sort of formatting on a web page is hard to read for me.

Actually, the text had tabbed indents before I copypasted it - they disappeared.

 

On the combat oriented bit: Well, yeah, but there's a lot you can do with most of the charges. Derek's blue Charge lets him release kinetic energy in a burst whenever he touches something, and his orange Charge does the opposite - it grips things he releases it on. He can as easily use this to climb a mountain as dash around in combat. Bird's green Charge can numb and stun you, but his red acts like instant Red Bull, waking you up and speeding up your reactions. This is useful in many places outside of combat. Tarbe has a general push-pull telekinisis, strong enough to nudge aside someone's fist flying at your face - but equally useful for pulling the salt across the table. These three are all duelers or former duelers, as well. Some Charges just make flashes of light. 

 

I honestly haven't figured out how to determine who gets the Charges - basically everybody has them, but many people can just about light a candle with effort, or make flowers bloom faster. Charges are highly variable, and anybody who wants to fight in this world has to be very good at improvisation.

 

Something that I think is most interesting in this world is that people's heartstones fix up minor sickness, scrapes, headaches, sprains, bruises, nosebleeds, cuts, etc. and even major injuries heal considerably quicker. Over time, scars fade and bones reset. Tarbe might be going on 70, but he's got a good thirty or forty years left barring (major) disease or accident.

 

Now that I think about that, I should probably ratchet his age up a few decades to make his old-man persona more realistic.