Kammererite-Essence of Fire Vial 3 part 3 of 3 Sub 7 (V,D,L)

[Kammererite]

Hi all. This is hopefully the second last installment of my story,

All feedback is welcome.

Thanks in advance

 

[rdpulfer he/him]

- I like that you remind us who Varik is and build some tension around his role - good job calling back to that!

 

- I also like Kang's disorientation after everything he just witnessed with his father.

 

- The conversation seems a little awkward after their escape . . . . there is some info-dumping, but they also being chased? The presentation of the information clashes with the tension in the passage.

 

- I like the end of the passage. I'm really, really excited to see what happens next, just as I was next week. Nice twist! 

[Shrike76 he/him]

Kang's state of mind at the beginning was confusing and hard to read, and it didn't work for me as a way of communicating his confusion.

I liked the twist, but I think there was too much exposition as people talked their way through what had already happened and what the motivations of the warlocks was. It felt like they were focused on the wrong thing. They were running for their lives, but talking ancient and family history rather than plausible ways to avoid death or capture.

I'm also unclear on what sort of village this is, but I don't know how much safety they would have found there. Does this place have walls or are they bringing warlocks, satyrs, and neetuts down around the heads of a few dozen unarmed farmers?

[Kammererite]

Thanks for reading,

 

Both of you make a great point about the amount of conversation when running.

 

This being my first story and discovery writing the antagonists, i got to a point just before this scene and was like why are they doing this...and is anyone else wondering this, so i wrote it in. I can understand how that removes the tension of the scenes so let me ask you:

 

Would it work better if i were to remove the conversation about the warlocks motivation and place it in the Denouement or do you think this information is necessary at all?

 

Also did you find the information on how they escaped necessary or could you have done with out it?

 

@Shrike- great point about the village, i'll add more description.

 

I am glad you both liked the twist.

 

Thanks again!

[Shrike76 he/him]

This being my first story and discovery writing the antagonists, i got to a point just before this scene and was like why are they doing this...and is anyone else wondering this, so i wrote it in. I can understand how that removes the tension of the scenes so let me ask you:

 

Would it work better if i were to remove the conversation about the warlocks motivation and place it in the Denouement or do you think this information is necessary at all?

 

Also did you find the information on how they escaped necessary or could you have done with out it?

 

Discovery writing it the way you did explains what I read pretty well. From what I've read so far, I think the information is unnecessary, but you can keep it in if it becomes useful information later in the story, or in another daft.

The information on how they escaped was necessary because otherwise we'd have no idea how they managed it, but it felt a little long. What would have been better, in my opinion, would have been to show the scene happening. Although you're writing in Kang's point of view and he was unconscious at the time so maybe that's not feasible. Unless you want to add another POV to the story.

[Robinski he/him]

Details comments below. Overall, there’s a good feeling of tension in the pursuit which kept up throughout the first part of the submission. I like that it works well in the wintery setting, which I still have a good impression of from your scene setting.

 

I’ve been finding some of the dialogue a bit clunky in places, for example “Thank the spirits we are saved” sounded rather melodramatic to my ear, whereas “what is our status?” sounds very modern to me.

 

Also, I have issues with the speed and distance implications of the pursuit, which I’ve detail below for consideration.

 

It’s maybe more of the summation point, but I’ll mention here (even though there’s another week to go) that I thought the characterisation is not all that deep. Kang is certainly brave, and seems to hit on the reason for the attacks, so he’s not daft. He reacts strongly to his father being in danger, of course, so he’s loyal and willing to sacrifice himself. So, Kang’s a standard hero figure – no complaints about that – he has qualities that I'm sure we’d all hope we could show in such a situation.

 

Kang’s father is good too – showing much to admire in the early stages, then turning out to be damaged and doomed later on. I feel though that the rest of the cast feel a bit off-the-shelf. Villainous ‘witch’ and henchmen/beasts; plucky female sidekick; rather aloof intellectual / religious authority figure; and some pretty anonymous soldiers. I realise it’s not a long piece, but it might be worth considering some surface quirks or back-story for bit players which makes them a touch more interesting although only in passing.

 

The stuff about the mystery of why the druids attacked seems to have arisen quite suddenly near the end of the story. I think if you’re going to run that as a mystery, I think it would help to introduce it earlier with reminders placed along the way as the characters try to figure it out. It felt to me like something that kind of popped up out of nowhere.

 

This said, I enjoyed the reveal of Lumi’s position and the thought process as they work through it, but the inquisition stuff feels like new information and it seems late in the story for it to be coming out. Maybe I’ve forgotten stuff about the inquisition that was revealed earlier on.

 

Good ending to the vial – I like that the sceptre is a turncoat and the pace of Kang’s realisation. I don’t mind that the ending is a cliff-hanger. I know Brandon is down on this, but I thinks it’s fine now and again.

 

Looking forward to the next submission.

 

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“challenge bulge” – do you mean bugle, as in trumpet, or is the creature bulging its chest?

 

I know I'm probably harping on about this, but the story needs a careful proof read for all the typos, as a lot of them are hidden in the sense that grammar checker might not pick them up. Like “I could have taken handled it you know.”

 

Davik’s explanation of how they got out sounds terribly forced, lots of telling. Then there is another block of exposition when the Spear Leader reports. I found that a bit more natural, because it’s in the form of a military report, but sat so close to the earlier telling, I kind of stood out.

 

“The scepter is quite form quiet for a moment then nods”

 

I'm surprised that they were trotting in the sleigh in the first place, knowing that their enemy was behind them and still angry.

 

There’s a line with three ‘this’s in it which is disjointed.

 

‘outrun’ is one word.

 

You don’t need to say ‘the sleigh’ twice in two sentences when Davik is pitching the food off – I think it’s disjointed.

 

Again, the dialogue in the offloading of the sleigh could be more urgent and clipped, it still sounds rather formal and polite, given that they are in a desperate situation. Also, how much food is there? It’s taking an awful long time to toss it all off. Maybe there are some sacks with other things in them?

 

I'm dubious about the speeds and distances involved. The pursuit was five miles back then three miles back after about 3 minutes. That means their closing speed is 40 mph. If Kang’s sleigh is travelling at, say, 20 mph (pretty slow really), the pursuit would be travelling at 60mph, which I don’t buy. At those speeds, it’ll take Kang’s sleigh 12 minutes to reach the village, whereas the other sleigh (which is 7 miles from the village) will take 7 minutes to reach the village, but only 3 minutes to catch Kang et al.

 

My speeds could be out a bit, and maybe there are jumps in time, but the principle is there is no way they will get to the village if the other sled is closing that fast. It’s the speed of the other sleigh that’s the problem, I think.

 

“The want there their home back” and there’s another instance of this in the next paragraph.

 

“Heir of House Merikhiv.”

 

“Our best defense is a good offense” is a very modern expression. I'm a gridiron fan so it threw me right out of the story.