Kammererite-Essence of Fire Vial 3 part 2 of 4 Sub 6 (V,D,L)

[Kammererite]

All comments and feed back is welcome. Thanks in advance.

Cheers.

[rohyu he/him]

At first I thought things were way to easy for Kang, but you did a great job turning it around and showing Kang was never really in control of the situation. The whole scene was tense, enjoyable, and believable.

 

In the night sky above the curtains of dazzling green light in illuminate the two ritual chests forty paces from me and about twenty paces from the warlocks.

 

 

I think you added an extra 'in'.

 

“At the next bulge of a satyr, Mistress Cali looks up from her work. “Brak, Gilli would you please go find out what trouble are guests seem to have gotten themselves into now.”

 

 

Should be our, not are. The problem of using the wrong word that sounds the same happens a few times.

 

 

“and the bear-Neetut turns to focuses on me”

 

 

should be focus.

 

 

“I jab the jagged rock into the warlock’s throat tuning his scream of pain into a strangled gurgle.“

 

 

I am not sure what jagged rock you mean. My guess is the piece of coal that burned Ralik, but it is not clear to me.

 

 

I would have liked some more time for Kang and his father to reunite and bond while they were both lucid. It would make his father's death a more powerful scene in my opinion.

 

Overall I enjoyed the chapter. You did a good job hinting at new essences when Cali used the fire attack on the bear-neetut. I imagine the vials in Kang's boot are for the same 'spell'. I am looking forward to seeing how Kang gets revenge, or fails to get revenge.  

[rdpulfer he/him]

- It might just be me, but I can't read the name "Braks" without thinking of Space Ghost Coast to Coast.

 

- As I said before, I really like the suspense of these last few chapters, as Kang and his friends are in danger . . . or worse.

 

- I'm not a big fan of all caps in prose, as seen when Cali yells at Kang following the stabbing of the guard. There are other ways of show the emphasis in her voice.

 

- I really like his father's transformation into an owl-neehut. Very good, and i really like the desperation as Kang has to watch it all unfold. I really am anxious to see what happens next. 

[Kammererite]

Thanks for the feedback.

@ royhu

-I'm happy you enjoyed the scene. All your grammar comments are noted and i will add "Are" to my find and replace routine of my common errors.

-Yes the rock is the piece of coal. I look into that paragraph. 

I'll keep the time to bond in mind. 

 

@ Rdp

- Dangit. I thought that name was original.

- Ill look into that. I did have a lot more before and removed alot by using italics and !.

- Glad you liked the transformation. I was afraid it might come of repetitive since had one last submission.

[Shrike76 he/him]

This was a good chapter, having Kang think he achieved his goal and then having the rug pulled out from under him. Having to watch his father transform was pretty brutal, but we knew it was coming. The action was a little convoluted in places, but that can be cleaned up in edits. I think the scene accomplishes what you want it to.

I'll note that I'm not sure why Kang is so important to the warlock that she insists on punishing the people around him rather than Kang himself. It kind of has to be more than just conversation. And you do have to be careful with that trope, not to fall into a trap. If the people around Kang always bear the brunt, we start to expect it's going to happen and it takes away some of the punch. As a side effect, your main character isn't suffering directly, and so you end up having to do ever more brutal things to side characters to make up for it.

[rdpulfer he/him]

Names are tough because there are so many characters in so many books, TV shows, comics, etc., etc. I wouldn't worry about them too much. Context matters a bit, but as long as Brak doesn't turn into a idiotic cat-person comic relief or Kang doesn't become a time-traveling word conqueror, you should be okay . . . although that would be an awesome twist! 

[Robinski he/him]

There’s certainly quite a bit of tension and action in this submission. It’s easy to read it and the action pulled me through. I found some things stretched my credulity a bit, like Ralik not seeing Kang – which bothered me for a good part of the reading, until it plays out that he did – at which point I felt a bit stupid for not concluding that he was toying with Kang.

 

The loss of Kang’s father is a very effective scene. I thought you handled his reaction pretty well, apart from the face-ripping-off thing, which seemed out of character to me.

 

I'm looking forward to seeing how this concludes.

 

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I understand the references to “bulging.”

 

I don't a reason for Ralik to speak to himself, explaining things to the reader, and again, Kang himself thinks things out to tell the reader what's happening. It's quite a bit of telling. Also,
 
Why would Ralik give Kang a choice? I didn't get that.

Kang keeps repeating about being spirit-blessed or not. I found the repetition got annoying. I counted eight times, some of them very close together.
 

Suitably gruesome fight with the red-hot coal was effective.

 

“I’m going to cut your face off and wear it as a mask” – Eh? I lost a massive amount of sympathy for Kang right there. Killing her out of revenge is one thing, but that’s monstrous.

 

Various typos (eyes seam seem clear; You can’t be hear here; etc.)

[Kammererite]

Thanks for the feedback Robinski. I am glad the action pulled you through.

As for the Ralik talking, I was trying to characterize him quickly. Might need to cut back the info and just have him mutter small dialogue lines of no story purpose.

The idea was Ralik was to distracted to notice kang period...but I might have to steel the toying thing, if your okay with it as its awsome.

As for the choice, I will think on that.

Spirit blessed...oops might of got a little carried away with an impromptu idea.

Glad the coal scene worked.

Face ripping: I might have gone a little to far

And RDP

I do not think I am set up for those twists.

Thanks again guys