Kammererite-Essence of Fire Vial 3 part 1 of 4 Sub 5 (V,D,L)

[Kammererite]

Hi all,

These two scene's are the bane of my story. I struggled through them (especially the second scene) and they haunt my writing session begging me to change them constantly. I finally have them somewhere i am content with these scenes but i am completely open to taking an axe to them.  

As always any feedback is welcome but more specifically:

Is the first scene too infodump? 

Did you get bored in the second scene?

 

Hopefully the grammer is improving. 

 

Thanks in advance for reading. 

[rdpulfer]

- There's plenty of suspense in this chapter. I think that prevents the feeling of infodumping because we are really excited to see what happens next.

 

- You might want to give the soldier a name. As it stands right now, he's "Redshirt" or "Unfortunate Test Subject".

 

- The latter part of the first scene does feel a little infodump-y, but mainly because the Cali is prattling on and on. 

 

- When Kang thinks "everyone knows Archdruid Drapkip was responsible . . . ", it almost immediately calls this information into doubt because it's a foregone conclusion. Plus, their organization is called the Inquisition . . . not the friendliest sounding name . . . so I'd be careful with any twists surrounding this organization, because the reader might see them coming.

 

- The ending is a little abrupt. I want to see some reaction from Lumi or something.

 

- Otherwise, I think I am intrigued where this is going and I want to see what happens next.  

[Robinski]

I found the submission easy enough to read, but did have some issues. Grammar wise, there are still quite a few typos and I think the tense slipped a couple of times. I forget earlier submissions, but I think it's improved.

 

“distorts” sounds like his body is actually changing, but I'm not sure that actually what you meant?

 

I like that he finds his father and that he’s alive but ‘turned’ – it’s a good conflict going forward. The dead half-women though – I presume it’s not the girl he met earlier? I was surprised that his thoughts didn’t confirm that. Have we seen the woman before, was she at the mansion?

 

Why do they strip the soldier to his small clothes, are the warlocks prudish? It just seems an odd detail also; I found the description of the chests awkward, and unnecessary.

 

“domesticate”

 

Pretty major info dump from the Matronly Warlock.

 

“That’s ominous” – better to let the reader feel that than tell them how to feel, I think.

 

“You have nothing to offer me in any case” – she instantly changes her position from wanting to talk to him to this. It felt weak and then she seems to contradict herself, again.

 

Lumi’s reappearance felt sudden. I felt that he might have spared her a thought during the conversion scene before, but it’s probably just Weekly Reader Syndrome and me forgetting where she was left the previous week.

 

I found Lumi’s speech unconvincing. Planning and tactics is boring, but expedition planning is not? Also, I would hardly say that their cursory discussion constituted tactics.

 

The planning came over rather clunky to me, I wasn’t all that convinced.

[Shrike76]

I found the process interesting of turning a person into a monster, and the prospect of her replacing them with members of Kang's family if he killed anymore of them was a nice twist.

On page 5, Kang has a paragraph that he expresses in thought and I felt it would have been better spoken, so that he could contest what the warlock was saying and get her version. it would have been nice to have more interaction between the two of them rather than her just telling him everything he needs to know. She calls him good for conversation but he spoke little more than a rock would have.

The whole planning scene ran long for me. I got tired of hearing them talk about escaping and think they could have managed to make a plan in fewer pages. Also, by the end of it, I'd forgotten that they were in the sleigh, so a few more hints to that end would have helped. 

[Robinski]

“distorts” sounds like his body is actually changing, but I'm not sure that actually what you meant?

Occurs to me now, did you mean "contorts"?

[Kammererite]

Awesome feedback so far guys. All very useful.

Some clarifications/answers in red.

Cheers.

 

- You might want to give the soldier a name. As it stands right now, he's "Redshirt" or "Unfortunate Test Subject".

--Very true. unfortunately, Kang does not know the person. I could give them a name in the next screen when Lumi sees the Neetut as he could have theoretically learn said information off screen 

 

- The latter part of the first scene does feel a little infodump-y, but mainly because the Cali is prattling on and on. 

--Noted.

 

- When Kang thinks "everyone knows Archdruid Drapkip was responsible . . . ", it almost immediately calls this information into doubt because it's a foregone conclusion. Plus, their organization is called the Inquisition . . . not the friendliest sounding name . . . so I'd be careful with any twists surrounding this organization, because the reader might see them coming.

--That was the intent. I'm happy that got noticed.

 

- The ending is a little abrupt. I want to see some reaction from Lumi or something.

--would a reaction from Lumi in a sentence or two be enough. I really am trying not to let that scene drag on

 

I found the submission easy enough to read, but did have some issues. Grammar wise, there are still quite a few typos and I think the tense slipped a couple of times. I forget earlier submissions, but I think it's improved.

--good to know. I'll keep working at it. one of these day i'll have a clean submission

 

“distorts” sounds like his body is actually changing, but I'm not sure that actually what you meant?

--yes his body is actually changing. Think horror movie  werewolf transformation. Although your latter comment about contorts might fight better in this actual scene.

 

I like that he finds his father and that he’s alive but ‘turned’ – it’s a good conflict going forward. The dead half-women though – I presume it’s not the girl he met earlier? I was surprised that his thoughts didn’t confirm that. Have we seen the woman before, was she at the mansion?

--She is a faceless spearholder who was at the manor but was just a part of the group sleeping. There is no reason it must be a women but as the fantasy society is more gender neutral i felt i was male overloading the story.  

 

Why do they strip the soldier to his small clothes, are the warlocks prudish? It just seems an odd detail also; I found the description of the chests awkward, and unnecessary.

--Good point on the small clothes it should be nude. the chest come up in the next scene so i will move that to when there description becomes more relevant

 

Pretty major info dump from the Matronly Warlock.

--I know...hopefully it wasn't too boring though.

 

“That’s ominous” – better to let the reader feel that than tell them how to feel, I think.

--Good point.

 

“You have nothing to offer me in any case” – she instantly changes her position from wanting to talk to him to this. It felt weak and then she seems to contradict herself, again.

--I will have to rework the wording here, the ideas is that Cali doesn't want or care information from Kang she just want someone to talk to about random stuff. 

 

Lumi’s reappearance felt sudden. I felt that he might have spared her a thought during the conversion scene before, but it’s probably just Weekly Reader Syndrome and me forgetting where she was left the previous week.

--Lumi is dragged away in the submission prior moment before  Kang is dragged into the cave at the start of this scene.

 

I found Lumi’s speech unconvincing. Planning and tactics is boring, but expedition planning is not? Also, I would hardly say that their cursory discussion constituted tactics.

--Both valid points. I am really struggling with Lumi's characterization but the expedition planning will leave the list. 

 

The planning came over rather clunky to me, I wasn’t all that convinced.

--Noted

 

I found the process interesting of turning a person into a monster, and the prospect of her replacing them with members of Kang's family if he killed anymore of them was a nice twist.

--Thanks

On page 5, Kang has a paragraph that he expresses in thought and I felt it would have been better spoken, so that he could contest what the warlock was saying and get her version. it would have been nice to have more interaction between the two of them rather than her just telling him everything he needs to know. She calls him good for conversation but he spoke little more than a rock would have.

--I will think on this as it could help, but i really don't want Kang interacting with Cali much. Maybe some clipped lines of dialouge. 

 

The whole planning scene ran long for me. I got tired of hearing them talk about escaping and think they could have managed to make a plan in fewer pages.

-- good to know. That was my fear about the scene. Based on you and Robinskis comments, i am thinking of striping this conversation down to the studs and trying to get it out in alot less words.

 

Also, by the end of it, I'd forgotten that they were in the sleigh, so a few more hints to that end would have helped. 

--will do.

Edited October 24, 2015 by Kammererite

[Robinski]

I found the submission easy enough to read, but did have some issues. Grammar wise, there are still quite a few typos and I think the tense slipped a couple of times. I forget earlier submissions, but I think it's improved.

--good to know. I'll keep working at it. one of these day i'll have a clean submission

--Tell me how you manage it if you get there!! - lol

 

“distorts” sounds like his body is actually changing, but I'm not sure that actually what you meant?

--yes his body is actually changing. Think horror movie  werewolf transformation. Although your latter comment about contorts might fight better in this actual scene.

--I wonder if it was just me missing it, or if the transformation needs more emphasis - I think I almost glossed over it, hence my comment.

 

I like that he finds his father and that he’s alive but ‘turned’ – it’s a good conflict going forward. The dead half-women though – I presume it’s not the girl he met earlier? I was surprised that his thoughts didn’t confirm that. Have we seen the woman before, was she at the mansion?

--She is a faceless spearholder who was at the manor but was just a part of the group sleeping. There is no reason it must be a women but as the fantasy society is more gender neutral i felt i was male overloading the story.

--I felt that fact of her being a woman was significant, whereas if it had been a man I almost certainly wouldn't have thought that. I think I had forgotten about the more equal society. WRS 

[rohyu]

I didn't think the first scene was too much of an info dump. The ritual going on in the background did a nice job keeping things interesting while dolling out information. I think I am more forgiving of info dumps than others though.

 

I agree with Shrike and Robinski that the second scene was a little long and didn't really seem productive in the end. It held my interest throughout, but I was hoping for a more well formed idea by the end. (Though I guess Kang and Lumi were hoping for a better idea as well )

 

>My head to snap to the side so fast I crick my neck.

This sentence was awkward to me. I think you forgot a word.

 

There are some missing or incorrect words in a few places. Like on page 7 “...but know this, dear child if take from my family again, I will take them back from yours.” I think you meant, “if you take from my family again...”

 

Sorry for the super late critique.

[Kammererite]

Thanks for the feedback Rohyu. comments in red

I didn't think the first scene was too much of an info dump. The ritual going on in the background did a nice job keeping things interesting while dolling out information. I think I am more forgiving of info dumps than others though.

--Thanks, I am glad the ritual worked as intended.

 

I agree with Shrike and Robinski that the second scene was a little long and didn't really seem productive in the end. It held my interest throughout, but I was hoping for a more well formed idea by the end. (Though I guess Kang and Lumi were hoping for a better idea as well )

--Yes they were. I think i'll rework this scene to have Kang think of the idea of screen and  pitch the idea to Lumi in screen. That should cut out half the scene..i think.

 

 

Sorry for the super late critique.

--No worries. I am often late with my critiques and all feed back helps. I am not making any changes until December anyway as i want to do NaNoWriMo and will need a breather from the story once i am finished