20150706 - Fruits of the Gods Ch22 (5681) - Mandamon

[Mandamon he/him]

Chapter 22.  A little long this time.
Previously:
Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic.  They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life.  However their old master attacks with his uguards.  The village fends him off, though he vows to return.  Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds.  Kisare discovers she has some color in her hair as well.  They start the journey to Karduniash, accompanied by Hbelu, Zikar, and Nidintu, but are soon ambushed a few days out from the village by Aricaba-Ata and Enti-Ilzi.  Belili and Kisare escape, but Hbelu is captured.  The sisters, with the advice of the scout, decide to follow the noble’s trail.  They come across a town, and dye their hair to disguise themselves as Asha-Urmana to search for Hbelu.  In the town they meet up with Gemeti, a mysterious old woman, who decides to come with them and make them into nobles.  They meet with the local Asha-Urmana, who allow the three to travel with them.  Over a few weeks, they learn about being nobles, travel with the Asha-Urmana nearer the capital, and practice their magic.  The three travel close to Karduniash, but are betrayed by a forger, and are forced to split up by the town guard.  Each sister travels a different path to enter the city.  Kisa avoids the guards and reunites with Gemeti, while Belili makes her own way into the palace.  Both of them manage to get rooms in the palace, though Belili’s are more favorable than Kisare’s.  Belili confronts and kills Ilzi, as well as gaining information about Aricaba-Ata, while Kisare is introduced by Gemeti to a high noble sympathetic to her cause.  Kisare learns more about the Dyad from the high noble, while Belili spins a story about her background to gain Marut’s favor.  At the Cherry Festival, Kisare’s eyes are opened to Noble life, and she and Belili both meet the Dyad, as well as have a confrontation with Aricaba-Ata.  The Dyad forbid them to fight, and say the group with the best present for them will  “win.”  That night, Kisare talks with Marut’s shadow and learns about the noble’s structure.  The next day, Belili finds and confronts Aricaba-Ata where he is hiding Hbelu.  She reveals Aricaba-Ata is her father.  He will not release Hbelu, but at least she knows he is alright.

Thanks for any comments!

[rdpulfer he/him]

- I love the exchange with Marut and Bel in the beginning, and Kisare's suble response. Very good overview of everything that has happened between them.

 

- Good reveal on Samsu, but I'd like to see a little more description and how this girl looks and how she acts which make the sisters believe she has been conditioned.

 

- Ishu says "Go and party", but I feel like "party" might be too modern a verb in this context. Celebrate might be better.

 

- I also like the interplay between the sisters when they try to "plan" their next move. I also like the emotional resonance of the scene's end, especially when Kisare realizes how little she was able to protect her sister.

 

- I really like the line "You are all slaves of the Dyad".

 

- Good ending, but I'm not sure I like how the focus shifts from the sisters to Hbelu. Also, keep an eye on pronouns. Since your focus seems to be on both sisters, it's easily to get confused on which sister you are talking about.

[Mandamon he/him]

Great comments as usual!  I had someone else comment on "party" as well.  I do have to be careful with pronouns.  That's cropped up several times with this story.

 

I'll need to do some more description on Erishti (the girl).  I originally meant her to be in more, but she got pushed off to the side a little.

 

What do you mean by the focus shifting to Hbelu?  As in the story doesn't seem like it's about the sisters at that point?

[rdpulfer he/him]

It does feel a little like Hbelu isn't the focus in that part of the chapter. I think you could offset it a bit by showing more of their take on Hbelu's words, and his actions through the lenses of their perception, if it makes sense.

[Robinski he/him]

So, you gonna put a whole chapter up here and only half on Start Write Now? I'm not good at quandries, so I'll just plump for reading the whole chapter, assuming it appears here, but I'll still line edit on SWN.

[Mandamon he/him]

So, you gonna put a whole chapter up here and only half on Start Write Now? I'm not good at quandries, so I'll just plump for reading the whole chapter, assuming it appears here, but I'll still line edit on SWN.

 

You got the first half last week, so you should be up to date now in both places...

[Mandamon he/him]

It does feel a little like Hbelu isn't the focus in that part of the chapter. I think you could offset it a bit by showing more of their take on Hbelu's words, and his actions through the lenses of their perception, if it makes sense.

 

Good thoughts.  I'm hoping a Hbelu POV earlier in the story will also help.

[Robinski he/him]

You got the first half last week, so you should be up to date now in both places...

Yeah, but I think on SWN you said short submission to the end, so I presumed you were posting half chapters, but whole chapters here. What the heck - I'll take what I get and like it.