Man of the Mask

[Mailliw73 he/him]

So I decided today to begin a story that I have the inspiration for the main character. Here's the very first paragraph I've written. Tell me what you think, and I would appreciate pure honesty here. I need to work on my writing more.

 

"The hand let fall the mask. The mask which had rarely parted with the face for years. Its resounding clunks rang out in the empty dark. Rain filled the scars gouged in the face of the mask, whose twins lined the face of the man. The face which now turned towards the ground. Wet, dark hair hung to curtain the face from the world. A feeble barrier. Years of blackness had shown that the world was darker than any night. The mask had been a shield as much as an empowerment. The man of the mask had fallen. Kahad was only a man, and now he accepted it."

 

Edit 1:

Second Paragraph:

"Kahad walked away from the mask. Behind him, in the dark rain, it stared lifelessly into the sky.  Raising his head, Kahad looked at the city of death. There had been a time when he had thought it was a city of dreams, but the illusion had vanished and now he saw the truth of Al-Sarim: darkness never fades. When the sun rises, darkness only retreats to more hidden corners, but still lingers, spreading again as the sun falls. Kahad had been the sun. He had struggled to penetrate the darkness, and once finished, he had learned that simple truth of darkness. As the sun fell, so now did Kahad."

 

Edit 2: 

Current Version:

The hand let the mask fall. The mask which had rarely parted with the face for years. Its resounding clunks rang out in the empty dark. Rain filled the scars gouged in the face of the mask, whose twins lined the face of the man. The face which now turned towards the ground. Wet, dark hair hung to curtain the face from the world. A feeble barrier. Years of blackness had shown that the world was darker than any night. The mask had been a shield as much as an empowerment. The man of the mask had fallen. Kahad was only a man, and now he accepted it.

Kahad walked away from the mask. Behind him, in the dark rain, it stared lifelessly into the sky.  Raising his head, Kahad looked up at the city of death. There had been a time when he had thought it was the city of dreams, but the illusion had vanished and now he saw the truth of Al-Sarim: darkness never fades. When the sun rises, darkness doesn't fade, it only retreats to hidden corners, lingering, spreading again as the sun falls. Kahad had been the sun. He had struggled to remove the darkness, and he had learned that simple truth of darkness's pervasiveness. He had failed.

~~~

Kahad laughed and spun his staff about, dummies falling left and right. The thrill of fighting surged through him, keeping his energy high. Kahad's Hayid, Benghar, smiled. A small smile, but compared to his typical straight mouth, it was enough to split Kahad's face into a large grin.

"Hayid, can we duel now?" The training fighter asked his master. Everyday he asked, and everyday the answer was the same. By now, the silly ritual was as much a joke between student and teacher as it was a sincere request.

"Soon," the response came. Kahad nodded, touching his fist to the center of his chest in respect.

"Soon," Kahad repeated. Putting the ohmud back into the stack of its brothers, he put his shoes on and left.

~~~

Edited July 10, 2015 by Mailliw73

[Adamir he/him]

Brilliant. I've hit my quota of upvotes, meaning I can't give that paragraph the upvote it deserves.

[Tyson]

Pure honesty, and pure opninion:-

 

You done a great job a setting a dark mood within the first paragraph, but it doesn't paint a clear enough picture for me personally. I'd continue reading but I'd struggle if the rest of the chapter followed with a similar flow. I found it slightly stunted because of the short sentences and some strange structuring (strange isn't bad, just different). 

 

Be careful how many times you use the words face and mask in one paragraph and consider using a voice that embelishes the scene, or focuses upon a distinct aspect of the scene e.g. the sound that the mask makes when it hits the ground. (You just said clunk). I found the current voice generic, it gave me information without the frills.

 

Remember that the first paragraph is the most important paragraph in your book. This is what will get you a agent/publishing deal or not.

 

https://bstaveley.wordpress.com/2013/03/26/shakira-and-usher-hate-tolkien-opening-sentences-in-fantasy/

 

I've linked a great blog post from Brian Staveley (Unhewn Throne Trilogy) that stresses the importance of a good opening paragraph with examples. It helped me alot.

[Mailliw73 he/him]

Brilliant. I've hit my quota of upvotes, meaning I can't give that paragraph the upvote it deserves.

Thank you, Adamir! That means a lot.

 

Pure honesty, and pure opninion:-

 

You done a great job a setting a dark mood within the first paragraph, but it doesn't paint a clear enough picture for me personally. I'd continue reading but I'd struggle if the rest of the chapter followed with a similar flow. I found it slightly stunted because of the short sentences and some strange structuring (strange isn't bad, just different). 

Thanks, and I see what you mean. I planned on only the first paragraph having this impersonal feel and with that last line transitioning into a close third person. I do need to clean up some of the sentence structures though.  

 

Be careful how many times you use the words face and mask in one paragraph and consider using a voice that embelishes the scene, or focuses upon a distinct aspect of the scene e.g. the sound that the mask makes when it hits the ground. (You just said clunk). I found the current voice generic, it gave me information without the frills.

 

The voice would come into play much more in the next paragraph, which once I write, I'll put here as well to get your opinion. I wanted to try something different with the structure and tone of these first two paragraphs. 

 

 

Remember that the first paragraph is the most important paragraph in your book. This is what will get you a agent/publishing deal or not.https://bstaveley.wordpress.com/2013/03/26/shakira-and-usher-hate-tolkien-opening-sentences-in-fantasy/ I've linked a great blog post from Brian Staveley (Unhewn Throne Trilogy) that stresses the importance of a good opening paragraph with examples. It helped me alot.

Thanks, I'll check that out. 

 

Thanks, guys, for this feedback!

Edited June 24, 2015 by Mailliw73

[Mailliw73 he/him]

Double post, but here's a possible next paragraph. 

 

"Kahad walked away from the mask. Behind him, in the dark rain, it stared lifelessly into the sky.  Raising his head, Kahad looked at the city of death. There had been a time when he had thought it was a city of dreams, but the illusion had vanished and now he saw the truth of Al-Sarim: darkness never fades. When the sun rises, darkness only retreats to more hidden corners, but still lingers, spreading again as the sun falls. Kahad had been the sun. He had struggled to penetrate the darkness, and once finished, he had learned that simple truth of darkness. As the sun fell, so now did Kahad."

[Tyson]

Good. Very easy to read and the bit about the darkness in the city was well writtten. My only real gripe would be the ending.

 

"As the sun fell, so now did Kahad."

 

Is this a literal falling to his knees, or the figurative fall of the masked man/vigilante?  

 

If he is literally falling, it needs to be reworded to make it clear.

 

If its figurative, then it isn't needed. Its almost a mirror to the ending of the first paragraph. You don't need to tell us twice. Pick one, delete the other.

Edited July 1, 2015 by Tyson

[Mailliw73 he/him]

Good. Very easy to read and the bit about the darkness in the city was well writtten. My only real gripe would be the ending.

 

"As the sun fell, so now did Kahad."

 

Is this a literal falling to his knees, or the figurative fall of the masked man/vigilante?  

 

If he is literally falling, it needs to be reworded to make it clear.

 

If its figurative, then it isn't needed. Its almost a mirror to the ending of the first paragraph. You don't need to tell us twice. Pick one, delete the other.

Thanks. It was figurative. Yeah, I see why it shouldn't be there again. Reading it now, it feels a bit forced. I'll work on the next bit and post that this weekend hopefully. 

[Mailliw73 he/him]

Here is my current progress. I've fixed up the first two paragraphs and added the first, brief flashback scene.

 

The hand let the mask fall. The mask which had rarely parted with the face for years. Its resounding clunks rang out in the empty dark. Rain filled the scars gouged in the face of the mask, whose twins lined the face of the man. The face which now turned towards the ground. Wet, dark hair hung to curtain the face from the world. A feeble barrier. Years of blackness had shown that the world was darker than any night. The mask had been a shield as much as an empowerment. The man of the mask had fallen. Kahad was only a man, and now he accepted it.

Kahad walked away from the mask. Behind him, in the dark rain, it stared lifelessly into the sky.  Raising his head, Kahad looked up at the city of death. There had been a time when he had thought it was the city of dreams, but the illusion had vanished and now he saw the truth of Al-Sarim: darkness never fades. When the sun rises, darkness doesn't fade, it only retreats to hidden corners, lingering, spreading again as the sun falls. Kahad had been the sun. He had struggled to remove the darkness, and he had learned that simple truth of darkness's pervasiveness. He had failed.

~~~

Kahad laughed and spun his staff about, dummies falling left and right. The thrill of fighting surged through him, keeping his energy high. Kahad's Hayid, Benghar, smiled. A small smile, but compared to his typical straight mouth, it was enough to split Kahad's face into a large grin.

"Hayid, can we duel now?" The training fighter asked his master. Everyday he asked, and everyday the answer was the same. By now, the silly ritual was as much a joke between student and teacher as it was a sincere request.

"Soon," the response came. Kahad nodded, touching his fist to the center of his chest in respect.

"Soon," Kahad repeated. Putting the ohmud back into the stack of its brothers, he put his shoes on and left.

~~~

[Mailliw73 he/him]

I have a question about what I want to do with the structure. I posted this in Creation Daily and figured it should go here too. Feedback?

 

For the current story I have in mind and am beginning to write, I am thinking of trying out a different structure than typically. First off, you need to know that the main character, Kahad, was a vigilante type hero who now is giving up on hope and trying to go back to a normal life. That's the "Present" timeline. What I want to do is have three different timelines going throughout the story: One, the Present, where Kahad is dealing with dejection and trying to establish a regular life. Two, the Far Past, about Kahad as a young man, growing up and learning and training. This will end with him becoming a vigilante. Three, the Recent Past, the stories of Kahad as a vigilante up until he decides to give up. 

 

I want to interweave these three timelines of Kahad's life together, like Brandon did in Elantris with the three viewpoints, so that we learn about Kahad's entire life in three different times. The Far Past thread of story will end where the Recent Past thread began and the Recent Past will end where the Present began. Does this make sense?

 

So the question I have is: Is this too weird or does it sound interesting?

 

Edited August 1, 2015 by Mailliw73