20150615 - Fruits of the Gods Ch19 (2599) - Mandamon

[Mandamon he/him]

Chapter 19

Previously:
Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic. They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life. However their old master attacks with his uguards. The village fends him off, though he vows to return. Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds. Kisare discovers she has some color in her hair as well. They start the journey to Karduniash, accompanied by Hbelu, Zikar, and Nidintu, but are soon ambushed a few days out from the village by Aricaba-Ata and Enti-Ilzi. Belili and Kisare escape, but Hbelu is captured. The sisters, with the advice of the scout, decide to follow the noble’s trail. They come across a town, and dye their hair to disguise themselves as Asha-Urmana to search for Hbelu. In the town they meet up with Gemeti, a mysterious old woman, who decides to come with them and make them into nobles. They meet with the local Asha-Urmana, who allow the three to travel with them. Over a few weeks, they learn about being nobles, travel with the Asha-Urmana nearer the capital, and practice their magic. The three travel close to Karduniash, but are betrayed by a forger, and are forced to split up by the town guard. Each sister travels a different path to enter the city. Kisa avoids the guards and reunites with Gemeti, while Belili makes her own way into the palace. Both of them manage to get rooms in the palace, though Belili’s are more favorable than Kisare’s. Belili confronts and kills Ilzi, as well as gaining information about Aricaba-Ata, while Kisare is introduced by Gemeti to a high noble sympathetic to her cause.

Thanks for any comments!

[rdpulfer he/him]

- I like the description of Amilau eating and drinking.

 

- I noticed you used grunted at least twice in the first page - first by Kisare, then by Gemeti. You may want to replace the second with "groaned" or "sighed".

 

- I love . . . absolutely love . . . Beli spinning the tale of her past with Iizi. And I also like that the noble buys it because, as she points out, the best lies have a little bit of truth to them. Great job! .

 

- As I said before, I like that we're seeing both sisters' perspective now. However, I'm a little concerned that not much happens in Kisare's story, while Beli's is so intense. Hopefully the upcoming Cherry Festival will change that, but I just wanted to mention a concern about pacing. 

[Mandamon he/him]

Great comments as usual.  Belili's tale was completely spur-of-the-moment, but I like the way it turned out.

 

I had a similar concern about Kisare's lack of urgency when writing.  I may need to give her something else to do.

[Mr. Wednesday he/him]

This was a really solid chapter. The writing was very transparent, to the point where I was reading it like a book and not like a word document, if that makes sense. That rarely happens around here since we're specifically setting out to critique something, but in this case I just felt like I was reading one of the Mistborn books. 

 

I loved the line "The lie began to unfold from her tongue, taking on a life of its own. Her face leapt to obey her story, creating the right expression to go with her words." 

 

I honestly wish I had more to say, but his chapter is very well done. It's short and sweet, giving us the perspectives of both sisters and moving their stories along nicely. Keep it up!

[Mandamon he/him]

Thanks!  High praise!  I really liked writing this chapter, and I want to aim for this sort of feeling when I rewrite it.