From an insomniac

[Mistrunner]

I thought I should introduce myself to the Creator's Corner.

 

The following work was written at about 1:00 AM. It is published here nearly unaltered, though considerably more legible. Advice, critiques and questions are welcome.

 

It's a sort of companion to another short story I wrote that I'm actually pretty proud of. There's two guys (they don't know each other) and they showed considerable bravery in battle. They were heroes. They both died in battle, and the ice magicians tried to bring them back to life as a reward. Well, they succeeded, but they are both now made of ice, and because of the half-failure the whole thing was kinda hushed up.

 

Okay, enough stalling. Here it is.

 

It's another midnight, which means another day. I'm still alive. How fortunate.

 

I stare at the stars, then decide to move on. It's slow going, being ice. At least I am alive and sentient and still breathing, even if these breaths are artificial and make my chest crackle and protest with the sounds of an iceberg. That's me- an iceberg. So much more than what you see.

 

I breathe in the crisp, cold air, fresh and inviting. Soon the summer will dance in, and thaw will come. Except for me. I am, essentially, a spell. I do not thaw.

 

Life. Existence. Dying tends to put everything into perspective. I am no longer pestered about my very single marital status, I am no longer subjected to the order and structure of the army. I am a hero. Who cares if those I knew will not- cannot- ever be told. Here, I am friends with the icy sky, icy frost on icy branches, and the icy pelt of white snow over the world.

 

Now- for the first time in my life- I am free.

[+Slowswift he/him]

Hey, that was pretty good! A bit short, though, but it was cool. (Pun not intended, but I'm not changing it.)

Edited June 9, 2015 by Slowswift

[Esaias he/him]

Some comments:

 

It's slow going, being ice.

 

I think “having a body of ice” or some variant would fit better here.

 

At least I am alive and sentient and still breathing

 

I think this sentence would be stronger without “and sentient”

 

Perhaps, more detail on his surroundings would be nice. For example,

 

“then decide to move on”

 

Where is he moving to or from?

 

 

I think this is a pretty cool concept. Very ice job.

[Mistrunner]

Hey, that was pretty good! A bit short, though, but it was cool. (Pun not intended, but I'm not changing it.)

Thanks! Always nice to get feedback. And with a story about ice, puns are inevitable...

 

Some comments:

 

It's slow going, being ice.

 

I think “having a body of ice” or some variant would fit better here.

 

At least I am alive and sentient and still breathing

 

I think this sentence would be stronger without “and sentient”

 

Perhaps, more detail on his surroundings would be nice. For example,

 

“then decide to move on”

 

Where is he moving to or from?

 

 

I think this is a pretty cool concept. Very ice job.

Ooh. Thank you for the suggestions! Fine ideas.

[Tyson]

Great opening line. Grabs your attention.

 

I agree with the majority of what gwslow says. As your telling the story from 1st person, there's no need to highlight his sentience, we already know that because he is thinking. 

 

Good start though.

[Mistrunner]

Great opening line. Grabs your attention.

 

I agree with the majority of what gwslow says. As your telling the story from 1st person, there's no need to highlight his sentience, we already know that because he is thinking. 

 

Good start though.

Good feedback. Makes me happy that people are reading it.   Thank you!