Otakon he/him Posted November 2, 2012 Report Share Posted November 2, 2012 *Warning, short story is 16+ due to nudity. I know this short story is in trouble, the scenes are somewhat out of order, and I am stuck on a major description that the story depends on. The description is of a massive globular machine used as a calendar, celestial map, event predictor; seasonal, tide, and herd movement calendar, as well as many other tracking functions. There are huge gears and rings and projections leading to the center of the device and the description is falling flat. The views of the two non-human characters will probably need touching up. I probably have too much fluff prose and writing into character in the scenes, but so far I seem to need it all. Any and all help will be appreciated. Do not fear tough critiques, I do not feel there are bad critiques. All opinions and advice are beneficial in some way. Please help! I Love... (?).doc 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aethling he/him Posted November 4, 2012 Report Share Posted November 4, 2012 (edited) I highlighted some stuff in red that you might want to look at for better wording or to remove completely. You might want to abbreviate the racial names after the first usage just so you don't keep having to type all those apostrophes. It also appears she is putting on makeup over a face that is covered in fur, but that is just the way I saw it with the rest of her being described. Not really much of a reason to mention her bare breasts more than one time, it doesn't really contribute much to the story you have written. If you need help describing the machine, try reading City of Ember and The Omen Machine. You might get something out of Anathema as well. I think I remember there being a description of some sort of machine in there, but I got sick of the book after about 60 pages. If a common word exists they are generally better than a word that is very rarely used. Helping someone's vocabulary is always good, but don't go overboard. You can avoid wordiness by using precise words, but it may hurt more than help if your readers have to keep a dictionary at hand to understand what you are trying to say. Words like salubrious, riparian, pessary, perambulation, and natatorium are all legitimate words, but can make you come off as showy. I know you didn't use any of them, but you will probably see what I am talking about in the highlights. I Love... (_).doc Edited November 4, 2012 by Aethling 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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