Prolouge of my WIP Novel

[Haradion Drogon]

So, Please, please let me know what you think. Its my first time attempting anything like this, but here is the prolouge. For the record, the characters mentioned here do not appear again in the story, but are historical figures, with this bit being the whole "Last Battle". The Map is available to veiw in another topic.

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EDIT:

Removed as it is now outdated.

 

Thanks for everyone who helped.

Edited August 31, 2013 by Haradion Drogon

[Haradion Drogon]

Just a note, for some reason, alot of the indents have been erased when I moved them here from word, so sorry about that. You'll just have to work out the paragraphing as you. Sorry.

[Telcontar]

Hey Haradion, suppose someone needs to give you a reaction ;-)

I'm not sure that first line will work. Your prologue takes place in that desert, that's where the sun rises. No need to include any reference to the planet or the cosmos. that's more like a first line for a sci-fi-novel IMO. Stick with the setting, the desert.

I've read it two days ago, but when I did, I had some problem with the structure of your sentences. You often seem to start with the subject (which is of course the correct way in english grammar) but it seemed repeating to me. To much sentences beginning with "The ..."

"Then something unexpected happened" is a line I personally dislike to anything unexpected happening. Maybe try something like: "But instead of the brizzling sound of deadly energy released, he heard a great howl of pain echoing over the waste."

And finally, after having described the battle pretty well, the resolution of what actually happened to the witches was disappointing. Not because it's something happening all the time in fantasy (linked beings that loose powers when the big evil monster is killed => Sauron and his armies, trollocs and myrddraal, Star Wars I - the phantom menace, just to give some popular examples). That's not the problem. We're living in a post modern era, there is just no way to come up with something really new. But disappointing because of the way you present it.

"Kirrin later learned what had happened" It doesn't fit in with the rest of the prologue. Maybe stick with the rumors. Though Kirrin talked to many people in the aftermath of that battle, he never managed to figure out what really happened in that moment, when he had accepted his death. Of course there were rumors, every other soldier actually claiming he had been there when it happened. ... But all agreed on that the evil guy had been killed by the good guy.

Remember, it's legends you're describing, and noone knows what really happened in legends.

Hope this helps you a little. It's only my personal and humble opinion, of course. Though if you want some comments on your novel maybe give us a part with the actual characters in it ;-) Oh. And if you miss praise, consider that the things I didn't criticize have not been criticized. For now *evil laugh*.

[Haradion Drogon]

Thanks! Those are some good ideas, and I think I might use them. I have already changed the opening to something a little more hooking, and havee deleted references to the cosmos. I am writeing Chapter 1 at the moment.

Thanks for the review, I am going to make some of these modifications right away!