20150413 - The Mathematical Bridge 2-1 - Robinski - Submission 4 (-) 3989 words

[Robinski he/him]

This is the final part of Chapter 3 and the beginning of Chapter 4 – comprising the end of Blacklake’s recalling the past and then events in the present which I trust move things forward a bit!

 

Comments greatly appreciated.

Edited April 13, 2015 by Robinski

[rdpulfer he/him]

- Like I said in the last chapter, watch out for comma splice. The prose really does have a classic, 19th century vibe to it, but putting too many commas can break up or distract from the flowery prose.

 

- I really like the present Blacklake interacting with people in general, especially in Cambridge. I really like his meeting with the dean. This might be something which is better seen rather than told, simply because it sounds like a humorous episode. Plus, you could lay out what conclusions the dean draws about Blacklake. 

 

- I really like his interaction with Judith Carmichael. This character in particular feels like a good match for Blacklate - small and timid yet not afraid to speak her mind when pushed. 

 

- I'm not really sure what's to come from here on. I liked the flashback with Anna, I'm just not sure it's in the right place unless the events in the present somehow deal with Anna in a significant way. If this isn't the case, it might be better to put the flashback elsewhere in the novel, since the readers are still getting their bearings in the first few chapters. 

[Robinski he/him]

Excellent comments, thank you RD.

 

I'm not doing major edits before I put these pieces up, so I'm going to ask for your forbearance about the comma splice thing. I'll revisit that whole issue in my edit of this story, and also in my future writing (Mandamon). In fact, I'm already doing my homework.

 

http://www.bristol.ac.uk/arts/exercises/grammar/grammar_tutorial/page_47.htm#commspliceex

 

On the dean encounter, I didn't write that one out because there is about to be another one following Blacklake's encounter with Judith, which I am very pleased that you liked.

 

I also take your point about the flashback and it being in the wrong place, and tend to agree. Again, that's one for the edit.

 

Thanks again!

[Mandamon he/him]

Generally, I have similar comments to rdpulfer.  I really like the prose style in this and the previous story, but I'm not sure how much the flashback adds at this time.

 

Pg 2: It seems strange the Blacklake is the one to find Anna.  Where were her parents?  Also, she died by a foot getting twisted in the ladder and banging her head, as far as I can tell.  It seems a little plot-convenient, but it's hard to tell.  It's something that might actually happen, vs. the meaningful death we usually see in stories.

 

Pg 8: I think you're transitioning back to the present here?  I know this has been divided up among a couple weeks, but also, it's a long enough section that we might need a little more prompting.  I also don't remember what meeting he was supposed to go to.

 

I'm interested to see how things develop with Judith.  I'm also glad she doesn't take any of Rutland's crap...

[Robinski he/him]

Thanks Mandamon, good comments as ever.

Would going back to the first scene in the barn and hinting at a loose rung on the ladder be too conspicuous, do you think?

Also, note what you say about the transition, I will certainly look at that.

[Mandamon he/him]

Hinting at a loose rung would certainly give the reader a hint of foreshadowing.  Depends on how jarring you want the death to be,

[Robinski he/him]

Hmm... food for thought, thank you.