20150309 - Fruits Of The Gods Ch8 Pt2 (1942) - Mandamon

[Mandamon he/him]

Hi all.  A brief summary:

 

Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic.  They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life.  However their old master attacks with his guards.  The village fends him off, though he vows to return.  Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds.  While they prepare to leave, Belili and Kisare have a chance to live normal lives for a few days.

 

Let me know what you think!

[rdpulfer he/him]

Thanks for sending in the next chapter! 

 

- On the first page, I'm just curious what trinkets they had. Since a slave's possessions are so meager to begin with, it might be good to explain what these trinkets looked like. You might be able to build some character this way as well.

 

- I was hoping to see Kisa's perspective in this chapter. The last chapter was from Beli's perspective if I remember right. It might be better to alternate their perspective unless you are trying to build suspense or they are in a sequence where it doesn't make sense to split them up.

 

- I did like the interplay between the sisters, especially when they are checking each other's hair.

 

- I also liked the mystery of what silver does, and that Kisa - who hasn't seemed very interested in magic up until now - has a larger strand than Beli.

 

Overall I thought it was a good chapter. It built up the intrigue about the Olives while also building some mystery around the sisters and the powers of the Fruits. Good job - I can't wait to read the next one. 

[Mandamon he/him]

Thanks!  Great comments.

The chapters alternate POVs between Kisare and Belili.  I've been submitting half chapters here, so you get two weeks of one POV.

 

Good thought about the trinkets.  I'll try to flesh that out on the rewrite.