23/02/2015 - Mark - Equo Chapter 2 (V)

[Mark]

Any and all criticism is welcome! Thanks in advance.

[rdpulfer he/him]

I really liked the interplay between Aldo and Julia, particularly during their one-on-one fight. I also thought the dialogue and action were well-balanced to keep these scene interesting and constantly moving. 

 

I did feel the description was a little too sparse in times. While I liked that generally the description was blended in with the action, I felt there wasn't enough of it. I wanted to know what the armor looked like, and well as what the setting looked like as well. The grunt was very well-described, but I wanted to know more about the characters and the location over the course of the chapter.

 

I generally liked the action sequences, but I felt the ending felt a little too abrupt. It didn't feel like this was the natural conclusion of the fight scene, even Aldo has a hold of her sword. 

 

Overall though, I was really entertained by this chapter and I'll like to read more. 

[Mandamon he/him]

pg 2: The first break on page two reads a little awkward.  You have Aldo making an impressive and definite statement, and then take it away with the next sentence.  I think the sentiment is good, but the transition is awkward.

 

pg 4-5: I don't remember if you had as much explanation before, but I thought this was good.  It gives a little more about the world, and also tells us about Aldo's motives.

 

pg 6: better description of the Equos as well.  I think last time they were described a few chapters in.  This makes them immediately powerful and ominous.

 

I liked this a lot better.  It makes more sense for Aldo to be antagonistic to Julia for a reason, and you give us one.  The descriptions of magic are better too.  I have a clearer idea of what happens, why, and what the words mean.

 

I'll agree with rdpulfer that the end was a little abrupt.  It felt like the chapter could play out until the end of the fight, rather than stopping before (I assume) the surprising revelation.

 

Looking forward to more!

[Robinski he/him]

I like Aldo's "Attack" response, but I felt it lost something by Julia gushing over it. The transition seems very sudden and felt disjointed to me.

I didn't get any sense of threat from the Grunt. It appeared and Aldo killed it. It appears so easy that it's hard to understand why Julia thought they needed a plan, and why Brutus is upset, when Aldo did the job on his own without breaking sweat.

I like the way you foreshadowed Aldo figuring out the third stage by tempting us earlier with the fact that Julia had a familial connection and therefore appears to be more informed than him.

Why are the Equos hated when they seem to be defending the populace against the demons? I didn't follow that.

Aldo's language is very sophisticated, I think I might have mentioned that first time around. I'm still struck by how it makes him seem older than he is.

Two consecutive sentences starting with "They...".

The sentence starting "Want to be a bit more specific..." sounded a bit odd to me.

To me, 'eliciting' requires some effort to get at something that is difficult to obtain. The Equos jumping onto the dirt is pretty straightforward. The word 'eliciting' sounded odd to me in that context.

I like the insults between Aldo and Julia.

I like that Julia seems far superior to Aldo with a sword, she really goes for it and is clearly very able compared to him. It's good.

I was also comfortable with the application of the magic, which wasn't drawn out or overly complicated. I said before how I feel about 'Parma' being the magic word. To me it's like him shouting 'Brisket' or 'Liver and onions'.

I felt that this version read better than the last one I read, understandably, I suppose! But to me it felt smoother and I don't recall having any 'This post has been reported for attempting to skirt the rules' moments, so I was pretty happy.

[Robinski he/him]

Reading these comments, I agreed with repulsed that the description is lacking. I have an image in my head, but I don't know if it's the one you want me to have.

I agree with most of what Bill says also, really do think you've taken a good step forward from the last version I read.