7/6/26 - Appol PhD - Dusk sub 8, 2964 words (VL)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone,

After a vacation, a move, and a new job tomorrow (no longer working with apples; maybe I should change my username) I'm back and hoping to participate more frequently. This submission is the culmination of the midpoint crisis, so I'm curious how it comes across. Thanks as always! 

[Paul SB]

Chapter 12

 

Up to this point the story has been moving pretty slowly. I’m pretty sure neither of my kids would have stuck with it this far (though I did keep my oldest going on “Some Desperate Glory” to the very end, in spite of him not liking the protagonist). In this chapter it feels like the temperature is rising and the stakes are beginning to feel more salient. We’ve known what the stakes are from the very beginning, but here it’s starting to feel more real. No doubt that’s because the conflict has gone from a war of words to actual violence. Maybe if there was a hint of this at the beginning it would help keep the tension up.

A big part of the art of storytelling is figuring out when to reveal information. The writer knows everything but can’t give everything to the reader right away. There are some elements of this story that still feel a little sketchy, like what, exactly, is psyglass and why, or why the Calamity Ocean hasn’t swallowed up the entire planet. Is there something holding it back? It may be that you are holding information about it for a big reveal later, which is understandable. It does seem a little too mysterious at this point. With the little first year students they could easily bring up question for the older students to answer. Everyone has their own level of tolerance for unanswered questions, so it’s always a balancing act.

This makes me think about foreshadowing. Good foreshadowing is only clearly foreshadowing in retrospect. If a writer uses a phrase like “… little did he know …” it’s a dead giveaway and feels kind of patronizing. Since I haven’t seen anything like that, I can’t tell if you are doing it well or not doing it at all. I’m partly thinking about this because it’s something I usually forget to do, but it’s good because when big things happen later on they don’t just fall out of the sky on the reader.

 

““It’s not me you’ll judge.” He sighs. “It’s not me everyone else will judge.”

I pause. However betrayed I feel at his secrets, I can’t deny the risk of speaking them into existence with Poppy watching us ready to relay every word to Sage. If she blames Aster’s death on us and our classmates agree, then our prospects of surviving with the group are dead in the air.”

— This sounds like a repeat of the first suicide, and that looks a bit suspicious. It makes sense that A would think about the reason getting out, but it seems like the similarity should make an impact, too.

 

“Thank you,” he says, before turning forward and walking on.

— This is a point where it would be really helpful to describe the tone of voice.

 

When he opens his eyes for the final time and tells Poppy that he has no more questions, I can tell he doesn’t know the answer himself.

— This is a solid observation. It would help, though, if you wrote at least something about his face, posture, proxemics … otherwise it’s a tell where it could be a show.

 

That soft voice that he uses for when he’s in pain, for when he’s talking to someone who’s in pain. Which one does he think it is this time?

— Great observation

 

Nice cliff-hanger ending