Paul SB - BackboneofNight sub04, 4409 words

[Paul SB]

Hello everybody,

 

It’s been two weeks and not a peep. Not encouraging, but I do want to keep this going.

 

This time we have two supplemental entries, meaning that they center around other characters than our hex of protagonists. The first is the mentor character, who parcels out assignments to our protagonists. It runs a bit long, so I would appreciate any suggestions for places it can be trimmed without denuding the chapter of its life and purpose.

 

The second introduces new characters for the purpose of showing the reader some of the chaos happening in the Meritocracy that our protagonists haven’t encountered personally, as they have been on vacation in the middle of nowhere. Now that I think of it, that could be accomplished with epigrams like newscasts, maybe even something like journal entries. These characters reappear in Book 4 and have more of a role, interacting directly with one of our protagonists. So their presence in this book isn’t strictly necessary, though it might feel like a bit of a treat to a reader who meets them in Book 4 and remembers their brief appearance in Book 2. If nothing else, it gives the (mistaken) impression that the author knew what he was doing.

The Backbone of Night

In last week’s episode …

 

Sub 01

Entry 02.01 — After the events of Volume 1, Amal and her hex have been taking it easy in Twilight’s Rift with Valirand and it’s mate and new baby. After Valirand invites Rey to be the first human to go inside the baby, Toona freaks out and attacks Rey using a telekinetic ability no one knew she had, then goes back into the cataleptic state she had spent most of her life in.

 

Supplemental Entry 024BFZ7//-008 — Archbishop Cyril IX, the nominal head of the Church of the Holy Flame, the only religious organization that openly exists in the Meritocracy, meets with his underlings to discuss two projects that the Church is implementing now that the Meritocracy is in a labor crisis. One involves a planet that they have set up as a pilgrim site, the other a program of assassinations. Cyril decides to send an agent of the morality police to the pilgrimage site under the pretense of concern over entertainments.

 

Entry 02.02 — The Hex transfer from V to M so V can stay home with the baby while M flies them back to Tel. space in the hopes that the aliens can figure out what’s wrong with Too.

 

Supplemental Entry 024BFF1//-006 — While President M is away on some mission, Mor. is in charge, and she decides to visit a cafeteria and pretend to be an ordinary employee to get an idea of what the unwashed masses are talking about (the old Henry V trick).

 

Entry 02.03 — The hex meet up with some familiar Tel. and find out that the human colony is not faring well.

 

Entry 02.04 — A & R meet the command nexus in charge of the colony and find that the situation is worse than they had guessed, and the leader is arrogant and hostile to them.

 

Bon Apetít!

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: It's good that we have a strong sense of direction here! I like the angle of the protags having to prove that the church is lying. For the first chapter, I think we should get there faster and focus more on what that is going to look like, which could be an opportunity to trim like the email mentions or to include some of the details after their goal is established so we know why they're important.

For the second one, I do think it's nice to get some on the ground action of what resisting the corps actually looks like. I think what I need is a better sense that this particular mission is important. It seems like they do this kind of thing fairly often so why is this particular scene important enough to them to be the one mission we need to see on page?

As I go:

Pg 1-2. If you're looking to trim, I think these can be condensed into narration so we can get to the big question faster

Pg 5. Why is finding Earth a big deal? Just because it's cool, or because it can theoretically support a bunch of refugees?

Pg 6. Why does Earth have the power to move quadrillions of people? 

Pg 7. I like the comment about nobody listening to scientists because they want a simpler truth

Pg 10. What's this character's perspective on why labor is resisting more?

Pg 11. I think for this character specifically we need a clearer sense of stakes. We see the risk in infiltrating this area, but what's the reward and why does it matter to this person specifically?

Pg 14. It's hard to get a sense of the bigger picture risk here. Is this person worried about reinforcements? Being tracked after they escape? I assume being spotted at all puts them in a compromising position.