6/1/26 - Appol PhD - Dusk sub 7, 2814 words (L)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone, 

Like I mentioned before, this is a bit of a shorter one. We're approaching the midpoint crisis here, so I'm curious to see how it comes across!

[Paul SB]

Chapter 11

Overall it’s going well, but you are still not providing the reader with anything like a richness of descriptive detail, and both your protagonist and S have a tendency to be too tight-lipped for their own good. Especially after succeeding with the first years, A should be gaining some confidence in terms of using his words. I kind of suspect that might be an element of the upcoming midpoint.

I would like to post a couple passages from a book I just finished a couple days ago that incorporated description into the narrative very well. It’s Robin Duncan’s “The Mandroid Murders.” Since he’s one of the elder statesmen here I want to ask permission first. However, he noted that he would be gone for a couple weeks.

 

“And then it succeeded in what it was always going to, what an institution built only to destroy knows how to do best.” — I’m not sure if these tidbits are titillating or traumatizing. Not everyone is going to have the patience to read this and wonder if they are only going to understand it when they get to the end. Some readers like it, others are repelled by it. Have you ever read Anne Leckie’s “Ancillary Justice?” It isn’t until the climax that you understand why the protagonist is doing any of the things it’s doing. Not too many books win the Hugo, Nebula, and the Arthur C. Clarke awards, so it’s not schlock fiction, but a lot of people give up long before the end.

 

“This isn’t fair to Shrike. I should be heaping praise and thanks onto them for their support back in the game council. Because they deserve it, and because I need them loyal to me. But I live in a world where the only face that shows no fear around me is the reflection in psyglass. Sparrow being scared of hurting me is at times worse than the way everyone else dreads what I can do to them.

So here and now, the emptiness is safer.” — This is gold. Keep it going.

 

 

“I mean, what you did sounds about right for your level of maturity. …” — Perhaps if A said “…our level of maturity” it would have come off as, well, more mature.

 

““It’s okay. Nobody should want this.” — I feel like this is such an important part of A that he should elaborate on this a little. After all, if they are all Touched, they can all touch each other and no one has to be afraid. Then, of course, there’s the fear of the unknown, which A might alleviate a little by explaining it better.

 

“That makes them tense.” — At this moment I would expect A to think for a second about why, and which is the bigger factor between the fear of A and the fear for A.

 

“ … the most enchanting boy I’ve seen.” — If this is being caused by some sort of augmentation, you would think a lot more people would have it, and there would be one for the opposite sex as well.

 

“Then it won’t ever be fair to ask you to change for me.” — This points to one edge of the sword. S might have no problem getting people into bed with him, but he will never know if any of them love him or are just attracted to his augmentation like the rats of Hamelin. All the silence is very typically male, but wouldn’t A take a moment to think of what it means for him and say something?

 

 

“Recovered what? Before I can linger on that, Sparrow closes his eyes and they glow purple. Even before the effect walks (wears?) off, he’s already running towards the door. No hesitation, yet another confirmation that whatever unfortunate reality he saw is not a surprise. I barely manage to keep up as he bolts out of the building and heads across the school grounds. Not enough breath to ask questions.” — If his eyes were glowing purple but they were closed, how would anyone know? Also, it seems like you could add another sentence after the second to spice up the tension. It could be an observation, a WTF string of expletives, a look on S’s face, anything that would enhance the sense of urgency.

 

“Sparrow is off after her while I stand paralyzed wondering what I should have told her instead.” — Now that is one self-absorbed adolescent! Not, hoping he’ll stop her from throwing her life away.

 

At this suicide rate there won’t be anyone left for A to save before too long. S has got to be feeling pretty guilty now that two are directly related to him.