Paul SB - BackboneofNight sub01, 3683 words

[Paul SB]

Hello people,

This week I am starting up the first sequel to Twilight's Rift, so not to the one we just finished. So far I've only written that one chapter from last week. Twilight's Rift was the story about six slaves on a cruise ship who stumble on an advanced alien spaceship and steal it, then decide to use it to help liberate more slaves. In the process they discover that their ship is actually a living being, form an alliance with a mysterious alien species to take in freed human slaves, and cause one of the most powerful corporations to declare itself a free "country" which in turn sets off a huge civil war. If anyone needs a plot synopsis let me know and I'll post one.

The first entry is a little weird because it begins with an assault, but while that is happening the perp is using telepathy to rummage through the memories of the victim. I hope this is clear enough and doesn't completely throw off people trying to read it.

The second entry introduces the leadership of the only church allowed in human space. In the first book the Church is mentioned a few times, and one of the escaped slaves was owned by the Church. In this story they are going to take a much more active role. 

 

[Appol PhD they/he]

Heads up that I’m going to be traveling for the next couple of weeks, so I might be delayed on getting to those submissions.

Overall: I think this is a nice start to the story! I like starting on an interpersonal conflict. I remember you saying that parenthood is a big part of the series and I really didn’t get that sense much from the first book but starting the story off like this is a good way of putting that issue in the spotlight. The second entry reads well and I enjoyed the dynamics, but it doesn’t feel like there’s a lot of impact on the larger story. For this to feel like an important part of the story I think there needs to be a larger turning point or big decision that justifies us seeing all of this in scene.

As I go:

Pg 2-3. I like that we get right into a surprising emotional twist, though I think we need to know a bit more on T’s emotions other than being angry (either knowing more about why she’s angry or having the emotions be more complex)

Pg 4. I like the imagery here

Pg 7. I also like the format of going back and forth between present and memory, and that this is where it becomes clear that T is the one rooting through them

Pg 9. I like the writing style here, though I’m hoping for a hook soon about how this scene is important for our protagonists/the larger plot

Pg 12. I like the disagreements in approaches here, and I hope this culminates in a big decision that justifies us being shown this scene

Pg 14. Right now C getting fried feels like an excuse to have the archbishop be brutal. I think it would flesh out the story more to give C a clearer reason for the statement instead of it being an ill-advised offhand comment. What is he actually trying to get out of this exchange, and why can’t the archbishop accept it? Digging deeper into that is where the meat of the story is.

[Paul SB]

Per request from one of the elder statesmen of this site, I'm going to paste the plot synopsis I wrote for the first book so people who want to read this one but didn't read the first one will have some background to work from. I wrote this synopsis a couple years ago when I foolishly thought that a mere mortal such as myself could get it published. I'm sure it was deleted, unread, by at least sixty publishing agents, only about a third of whom even bothered to send a form rejection. Not encouraging.

 

I think this second book is the biggest mess of them all. I drafted the first book during my Christmas break at the end of 1999 when I was a semester from graduating. The second book started life the following summer when I had my master's in my hot little hands and a boring entry-level job that normally goes to undergrads (the economy wasn't exactly fantastic back then). The draft was half way done when the file got corrupted and I had to start over, then after 9/11 everyone got laid off, right when my wife was demanding baby #2. I had to change careers, and ended up in a field that demands 27 hours a day, nine days a week time commitment and both reading and writing went out the window for the next 14 years. Now i have a disability that ended that career, so i don't have a penny to my name but I have time to get back to my old pursuits. That makes The Backbone of Night a weird hybrid of who I was 25 years ago and who I became about two years ago when i got back to it. The next three books in the trilogy are recent, so they are much more consistent and compact.

Okay, enough babble, here's the synopsis:

 

Plot Synopsis for Twilight’s Rift

Born a free Citizen, Amal Hardesty is now a slave working on an interstellar cruise ship. She shares a sleeping cubby with five other women, one of whom has a strange catalepsy that renders her unable to talk and emotionally dead. One night, instead of going silently to bed, the cataleptic walks down into the deepest bowels of the liner. Amal and the others follow, and she leads them to a mysterious alien vessel that has secretly docked with their ship. That vessel brought a mercenary troop to steal an alien artifact from a passenger, but the mercenaries never come back. Amal and her assigned family sneak aboard the ship, and the ship’s computer accepts their commands. Naturally, they command the ship to fly away, escaping their servitude contracts.

After a celebratory shore leave that goes horribly wrong, Amal discovers that her best friend of the past fifteen years, who suffers from clinical depression, is in love with her, but kept it secret because homosexuality is punishable by death in the Meritocracy. This revelation causes some serious friction among them. Amal also finds the journal of the ship’s previous owner, and decides to try to steal the same artifact he was after. She intends to sell it and use the money to hire mercenaries for a daring attack on the Meritocracy’s biggest labor production facility, with the intention of freeing as many products (slaves) as possible.

She fails to get the artifact on their first attempt, and seeks out a friend of the ship’s former owner who is sympathetic to their cause. He sets them up with a group of professional thieves, and on the third try they succeed. However, Amal is nearly killed by the telepath who was protecting the alien artifact. They discover that it is actually an alien, not an artifact. It uses its psionic abilities to heal Amal. At the same time, her friend and now lover finds out that the ship itself is a living thing. Both are items of living technology created by a long-extinct species that once roamed the galaxy.

Amal and her friends return the “artifact” to the crystalline Telmari, who did not expect Humans to return their citizen to them freely, and are grateful. They return their living ship to Twilight’s Rift, the place its race hides, expecting to live out their lives in hiding themselves. But once the living ships regain what they had lost centuries before, internal companions, they agree to take Amal up on the raid she had planned.

They meet up with the Telmari again. Amal convinces them to allow colonies of escaped slaves to take up residence in their territory. The Telmari are only willing to do this, however, if the Humans allow them to modify their brains. Amal and her friends undergo this conversion themselves, which helps them understand the Telmari and imparts psionic abilities to them. Amal takes a large school of ships to attack the labor production facility, stealing thousands of young people from the Meritocracy. As they escape, though, an accident rips away much of the planet’s ozonesphere, dooming the world to slow death by radiation. Amal and the school of ships return to Twilight’s Rift with thousands of freed slaves.

Twilight’s Rift and its sequels explore cultural evolution as a primary theme, which is why it is framed as a historical document in some future galactic civilization. Sub-themes include the ill effects of too much emphasis on competition in a society, the importance of diversity for long-term survival, and the randomness of reality.

[Paul SB]

2 hours ago, Appol PhD said:

The second entry reads well and I enjoyed the dynamics, but it doesn’t feel like there’s a lot of impact on the larger story. For this to feel like an important part of the story I think there needs to be a larger turning point or big decision that justifies us seeing all of this in scene.

-- Actually, a big decision was made here, sending the inquisitor to accompany Bishop N to their fake Earth. The purpose of this entry is mainly to introduce the behind-the-scenes machinations of the Church that are going to drive much of the plot of the story. I'm not sure how I can make it more clear without resorting to a third-person narrator, which wouldn't work at all and would sound really hackneyed. 

Pg 14. Right now C getting fried feels like an excuse to have the archbishop be brutal. I think it would flesh out the story more to give C a clearer reason for the statement instead of it being an ill-advised offhand comment. What is he actually trying to get out of this exchange, and why can’t the archbishop accept it? Digging deeper into that is where the meat of the story is.

Too Snidely Whiplash. That wasn't in the original draft, it was a suggestion from another reader. I'm not sure where my brain was when I agreed to that change. It's been purged, though I left Archbishop C's little outburst. I'll likely have to make something of it later, but the story is way too long as it is. Thanks for saving me from Snidely, though. 

 

[Paul SB]

In case you're curious, this is what I did in place of the cardboard cutout:

That blasphemy brought a stunned silence to the meeting hall. My eyes narrowed on him. Either his mind was sinking under a century of luxurious sloth, or he was playing some sort of game. “We serve the Lord, Condon,” I replied in my most menacing from-the-crypt tone. “It is my hope that your faith is not wavering.”

[Appol PhD they/he]

17 hours ago, Paul SB said:

Actually, a big decision was made here, sending the inquisitor to accompany Bishop N to their fake Earth.

I think the issue is that this doesn't really come across as a big decision on its own, since it's not clear what the tangible consequences of it are going to be (for the protagonists or the larger world state)

[Paul SB]

Are these better?

“Newman, I want you to return to Dirt forthwith, and continue your observations. An ershad will accompany you and make a separate report.”

“Y-yes, Your Grace. And thank you! You have made my task much easier. I only hope that I have not missed anything of importance in my time there. I understand how critical this mission is to our future. Indeed, the future of the whole Human flock!” His head bobbled.

I dismissed the fool with a wave. Sending one of the morality police with him might be enough to overcome his natural frivolity, I hoped. Why Beatty chose Newman as his assistant  was positively unfathomable. Hopefully Beatty won’t shice a cinder block, since it will be clear enough the ershad is there to watch him. “Yes, yes, of course.” I cleared my throat and turned my attentions back to the dozen other gentlemen of the Abbreviated Council. “It is not that I doubt the worthiness of Archbishop Beatty. He is as capable as my predecessor supposed. I have been pleased with reports thus far.”

... 

Condon grumbled, “And why is it we have to do these things if God is Almighty? Would an almighty deity need help from us?”

That blasphemy brought a stunned silence to the meeting hall. My eyes narrowed on him. Either his mind was sinking under a century of luxurious sloth, or he was playing some sort of game. Perhaps he wanted to question my effectiveness, or else his laggard existence has led him into despair. The Lord knows he drinks enough. “We serve the Lord, Condon,” I replied in my most menacing from-the-crypt tone. “It is my hope that your faith is not wavering.”

The hour-long meeting continued for two more hours, on details of various operations. The double operations Eden and Constantine were of utmost, sacred gravity. I told myself I had faith in the Lord that I would be able to trust in my men to see the job through. I certainly hoped I could trust in my men. The fate of all Humanity rode on our success, and I sure as hell did not want to go down in history as the man who failed the Lord on so grand a scale.