Paul SB - Heartstrings Trio, 4873 words

[Paul SB]

Since I just finished a novel and I haven't started writing the sequel yet, maybe this week is a good time to drop in a short story. I don't do a whole lot of those, like it can be years in between stories. I came up with this one but was too busy to get it down for a while, then I found out about a call for submissions that a member of my old writing group had submitted to, three days before the due date. I knew there was no way I was going to be able to get it done in time, so I submitted an older story that wasn't exactly what they wanted. My acquaintance got accepted (in the first volume of Lesbians in Space) but it was no surprise that mine wasn't. I went ahead and wrote the new idea, which I suspect will languish on my hard drive like all the rest. My son likes it, though, and I've never tried to get feedback on a short story (because I know I'm not great at it), but why not?

I'm not looking for anything specific on this one, just whatever comes to mind. I'll take any reasonable criticism I can get.

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: I enjoyed this story, and I think the LBLs cover most of my feedback. I think the biggest comment is that if the protags are more active about piecing things together throughout (which I does have some good moments doing already) it gives their choices more weight. I’ll also highlight an LBL about wanting to see more of I’s background in action. I don’t know their exact job but it seems like they have a lot of skills that are useful in a search and rescue mission so learning how they approached previous missions and how it informs what they’re doing here could also give their actions more weight.

As I go:

Pg 1. I like the first line for immediately setting the conflict and giving some background. The rest of the paragraph doesn’t work as well for me though since what it hits on doesn’t feel unique to these characters.

Pg 2. The tension of the narrator wanting to help but being scared of being replaced is good! I think we could use a bit more on that fear. Do they have an idea of what their life looks like without S and why it scares them?

Pg 4. I think the important part of this info is how it informs the dynamic between the narrator and S. S being dubious about aliens is a good start, and I think we need more of that (or cutting down some of the more technical details)

Pg 6. What if the J do turn aggressive? Is it worth considering fleeing right now? Could be an opportunity to explore why they push forward into a dangerous situation. 

Pg 8. I like that I is connecting the danger to the big picture of what happened and is making a plan, though right now I’m having a hard time gauging how big of a threat the thing is to them right now

Pg 11. S thinking it’s K is a fun beat, but I think it would be stronger with more to go off. Something that feels personal to S and maybe I, like a short phrase or physical gesture they shared (doesn't have to be those exactly)

Pg 12. Did we know that K is S’s sister? Oh, coming back from the end it sounds like a lie to get around potential homophobia. At the time I thought it was a twist that I was insecure enough that it extended to family relationships

-Using music to progress the story is cool but I think we could use clues about this earlier

Pg 13. I like that this uses I’s specific knowledge from their skillset to put them in the position to handle this. I’d love to see more details about how those skills inform this whole search and rescue plan earlier on.

Pg 14. I don’t think it’s inherently bad to have the priest help out here, but right now it feels like they’re swooping in to fix all the problems for the protagonists. Maybe it could feel more earned if I pieces together that the J are here to help and persuades everyone else to listen as they're about to close the door? Just spitballing.

 

[Paul SB]

I like your comments and suggestions here. When I wrote this I was trying to keep it under 5000 words, which was the submission limit. Since I wasn't able to get it even drafted in time it doesn't really matter. So at this point I can do whatever it needs and not care much about the word limit. There's enough here to work with to make it into a novella, though that kind of dooms it to sit on my hard drive unread for all eternity. On top of that I have two sequels to work on -- the next one after Incompatible and the sixth and final book in my Twilight's Rift trilogy. I'll probably start going through Book 2 next, though I'm tempted to toss out a teaser for the Incompatible sequel.

The Titanium Death mentioned in this story is a phenomenon that rips through the galaxy in Book 3 of Twilight's Rift, in case you were wondering. An expansion of this story would likely need some further exploration of that issue, since it has pretty well crippled the space lanes for parsecs around.

Thanks again!