Paul SB - Incompatible, sub21 - 4448 words

[Paul SB]

Hello again, it’s time for it to hit the fan. I

n Entry 33 A’s missing sister arrives, but as they are exchanging stories R calls A and confesses that she told a labor reseller company about her safe house, and warned her that the company was coming to clean “that nest of sin” out.

In Entry 34 A manages to get most of the customers cleared out before the acquisition team arrives. I won’t give away how that goes, but anyone who reads it is welcome to comment on how it went, if it seems realistic, if anything feels too coincidental, or if there is anything important missing from the scene.

 

Thanks for your attention to this matter.

It’s almost over.

The big question is: are you glad it’s almost over or do you wish it would keep on going?

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: The climactic moments help make sure this submission feels focused, which is good. I like the decision to take L as soon as A reunites with her to raise the stakes for what happens next.

My main comment is that considering that labor resellers are a looming threat for escapees, we don’t get a good sense of that before these chapters. People being scared of this exact thing happening seems like something A would be having to more actively manage before this, both in terms of reassuring people it’s safe to exist out in the open like this and handling unknowns who could be corporate agents.

I think we also need a bit more context about what the escalation into resistance at the end means for the long term. It sounds like SN is a big organization that will try to escalate in turn, which means A’s chances of getting through this get very very dicey. It could help to think about how the characters approach that (maybe A thinks she has to if she wants to get L back, and the others might have their own reasons).

As I go:

Pg 1. I like that the chapter jumps straight into the topic. In some other submissions I’ve noted that it takes us a while to get into what the chapter’s actually about and I think this is a good example of how the story can be slower-paced and big picture at the start of the chapter while still feeling focused.

Pg 6. I continue to love Rac’s character voice

Pg 9. It could help to get more insight on whether there’s a chance to hide and avoid escalation or if A really does think her only way out is attacking them

Pg 10-11. If getting everyone else out and flying under the radar was a way A knew this could go, using her weapon doesn’t seem like a great idea. Not that it has to be, but a little more insight might help

 

[Paul SB]

Thanks a bunch! You're absolutely right about the labor resellers showing up out of the blue, so I went back to the first day a was on Mars and mentioned them, then again a couple chapters later. As far as being trigger happy, everyone was in a bit of a panic, then they heard a shotgun go off, and they didn't know that the resellers were using taser rifles. It makes sense, though, that she would berate herself over that after the fact, though, which I added. I suppose I could have her hit the goon in the arm so he doesn't die, just loses the arm, or would that be too chicken?

R is a real mess, isn't she? I haven't decided what I want to do with her in the sequel, but I do plan to have her mother make an appearance. That should get awkward.