Paul SB - Incompatible, sub19 - 2530 words

[Paul SB]

Hello, and thanks again for taking a look.

In Entry 30 A’s alien buddy goes back to work, leaving A alone with the baby. She acknowledges that she is beginning to find some meaning in life running the safe house, which is why she’s ambivalent about going back to the alien planet for safety. While discussing this with D, R calls to apologize for what her friends did, but A rejects the apology. Hopefully readers will recognize that actions reflect attitudes, and with their belief in their own superiority, rich people cannot generally be trusted to behave with any level of decency toward their fellow human beings. I also hope that A’s teen let-down at the end seems realistic and not out of character. Of course the computer has to get in its two cents worth, the more clinical Mr. Spock sort of understanding. Facts have to speak as loud as feelings, or it isn’t exactly science fiction, is it? Are these points better stated explicitly, or left for the reader to figure out or not?

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: This is another submission that I think is one of the best in the novel so far. I really like that A has to make some hard choices, and the tension in her conversation with R is great. It’s good that R is trying and thinks she’s being generous and doing the right thing, but that this is clearly bad for both of them. It does a good job selling that A and R are fundamentally incompatible due to their backgrounds and social standings, which we know is important because that’s the title of novel! I think focusing more of the earlier parts on these dynamics could really help the flow of the overall story.

As for Ast’s commentary, I mention in LBLs that I think it mostly works because it pushes A to confront truths she’d rather not face. The one part that I think could be reworked a bit is Ast’s last paragraph on page 8, which I would say could stand to be more technical because right now it feels a bit overgeneralized. Maybe it could delve into the history of rich people being a-holes since forever or focus on statistics of how poorly labor-corporate relations tend to end up? Just spitballing.

As I go:

Pg 1. I’ve commented on a lot of the chapter openings not hooking me, so I wanted to say that I think this one does a great job! It’s easy to see why A wants B to stay and how much more dangerous it is for her with B leaving.

Pg 3. This is also more of what I wanted. A is under a lot of pressure and has to make a hard decision.

Pg 4-5. Also really enjoy R’s position here. The tension of her trying to help but doing it in a very flawed and self-centered way is great!

Pg 7-8. I was going in after reading the email expecting to not like Ast’s clinical emotions explanations, but I think they work here because they force A to confront her self-pity and see that she’s not unlovable, just another person going through love difficulties that a lot of people go through.

[Paul SB]

Thanks again! You've given me some ideas to work with. I'm glad you noticed the title, but I used the line in an earlier chapter (when our happy salamander couple drop A off on Mars and Ch tells her that these people are very hierarchical, and hierarchy is incompatible with love. The repeat in this chapter is meant to connect the love on the individual, romantic scale with love on the larger, societal scale. Is this something you think I need to be more explicit about?

I might be able to expand on Ast's little lecture by reminding A of the history she was learning, specifically the Gilded Age, the propping up of fascist dictators by rich industrialists, and how neoliberalism introduced by Reagan & Thatcher jacked up so much of the world. That could be fun, but it I have to be careful not to ramble on and on.

[Appol PhD they/he]

9 hours ago, Paul SB said:

I'm glad you noticed the title, but I used the line in an earlier chapter (when our happy salamander couple drop A off on Mars and Ch tells her that these people are very hierarchical, and hierarchy is incompatible with love. The repeat in this chapter is meant to connect the love on the individual, romantic scale with love on the larger, societal scale. Is this something you think I need to be more explicit about?

For me I think the difference is that Ch saying it doesn't have the impact as seeing it in action with A and R here. In this chapter I was thinking about how incompatible they are because of hierarchy even before it was explicitly noted, which is great! 

I think Ch establishing this on a larger societal scale is harder but doable. Maybe the story could go into specific cultural trends (either AR relations with slavers or human hierarchy, past or present) about how people keep trying to cut through those power dynamics with the power of love and it doesn't work?