Paul SB - Incompatible, sub18 - 4836 words

[Paul SB]

These are Entries 28 & 29, and the story tops out at 36, so we're getting close to the end. These two entries are mainly aftermath, both of the incident and the publicity. 28 takes place immediately after the attack, while 29 has the leader of the local EU presence arrive at the third space to see the mystery lab for himself. I'm not sure, in this case, if I have placed enough emphasis on the precariousness of the situation.

Have Loads O'Fun and Excitement! 

 

Edited April 13 by Paul SB
I was being distracted by my son and put the summaries here when they should only go in the email.

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi Paul! If an email was sent out with the submission, I didn't get it (including checking spam folder). Would you mind re-sending? Thanks!

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: I really like how the first chapter pushes A as a character and puts her in challenging situations, which is what I’ve been wanting to see more of in previous submissions. I like what we get about the spread of information as power, and being dangerous to A since she’s trying to fly under the radar with her restaurant. Maybe sprinkling in bits of this in earlier chapters could help sell the fact that A is being challenged.

A trying to stealthily take bioweapons for her own purposes is a great beat in the second chapter as well, because it gives me more of the agency and character specificity I’ve been asking for. Most characters wouldn’t go down this route, but A feels backed into a corner enough to resort to it which is directly based on what happened in the last two chapters. That's great! I think we need a bit more of how A’s planning to handle the long-term ramifications of this. Putting the fancy lab equipment to hoard bioweapons on an official expense account with no cover story does not sound like a recipe for success.

I also like the small beats we get about how A has a positive opinion of the EU but isn't completely on the same wavelength and wants to have agency separate from them. This is nice because it makes A feel more like she's on her own, which raises the stakes. It would be great to expand on this a bit. 

As I go:

Pg 1-2. I like the power dynamics at play when it comes down to A’s word against the rich kids’, though it feels like it gets diffused pretty quickly. Are there long-term consequences from this?

Pg 3. I also like B’s opinions on violence because they show us something new and complex

Pg 4. The comment about remote access is also good, and I think it’s good that A has to look out for people in the EU even if she’s mostly positive on them.

Pg 6. Also a nice moment for establishing long-term consequences

Pg 8-9. Also engaged with G as a mysterious figure. This entry overall is one of my favorites.

Pg 11. It’s good that we’re looping back to the embryos, but I think we need a bit more urgency/stakes for the hook to land.

Pg 14-15. Now this is a fun idea from A. I think the chapter could get here faster or focus more on how A builds up to this idea.

-If A does use the virus, will it be able to jump to other hosts or is it engineered to be limited to one?

-A should probably come up with a cover story for the equipment. I assume she’s not supposed to be using bioweapons for self-defense.