Paul SB - Incompatible, sub17 - 3070 words L

[Paul SB]

This chapter gets juvenile, spoiled rich kid juvenile. I hope it isn't too over the top. After last week's critique I consulted my notes from a book on story theory (K.M. Weiland's Structuring your Novel, if anyone is interested), and started going through chapters with a sort of scene check. This is probably better to do before you write, but I know plenty of people who are way over on the pants side of the Plan/Pants Continuum who will disagree. So for this entry I have this (skip it if you don't want the spoilers): 

 

3 Parts: Hook, Development, Climax 1. Flowers from the Cracker 2. Attacked by Rachelle’s friends 3. Brendili rescues Aspen 

Character Goal: Cheer up

Conflict: High Society/classism

Domino Effect: Consequences of Brendili’s participation in the fight 

 

Hopefully this helps.

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: Once again, I like the hook and the escalation. And as I mention in LBLs, I think the scenes do a good job of showing how A has to navigate around societal power that B doesn’t understand. A few suggestions:

-Maybe this was done in the chapter where A has lunch with Ran, but I think we need just a bit more about the restaurant and the area it’s in. Does it attract rich kids or are these people venturing out of their usual territory to jump A? Either way, I think we need a bit more scene setting.

-I care more about how these rich kids are connected to Rac and how A has to deal with the power dynamics than what they’re actually going to do to A. It feels like we understand early on exactly what these people are like and I don’t get a lot else from them for the scene, so I’d rather see the focus be on A working through what to do.

-I think the discussion with B on the flowers needs a bit more to it. The character goal is listed as cheer up which does come across but I think there needs to be a more specific goal here.

As I go:

Pg 2. This is a fun hook! I think the story could cut down page 1 a bit to get here faster

Pg 3-4. I like the idea here of B’s unfamiliarity with human customs forcing A to confront the implications of the flowers, but I’m not sure why A doesn’t try to explain that the context makes it creepy

Pg 5. This feels like a harsh judgment of R from B given that B doesn’t seem sure about the nuances of human culture

Pg 6. I think we could us a little more lead-in to A getting jumped here, though I do like the power dynamics of focusing on how A is much lower status than R

Pg 10. This is a good moment for A grappling with power and consequences