Paul SB - Incompatible, sub16 - 2846 words L

[Paul SB]

Once more into the breach, and thanks for taking a look!

 

This entry centers around a Friday night at the thirdspace, which the alien B makes an appearance, but A gets a mysterious warning about the Bishop getting wind of her operation and sending an agent of the Morality Police. The clientele gets behind A all the way, which is validating for her but also completely in their own interest. Is it unreasonable that no hothead ruins it for everyone? Also, R uses an offensive slur that refers to himself and the rest of the clientele, though in a mocking way. I hope no one will find this offensive.

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: This submission does a good job of doing what I’ve been asking for in previous submissions, which is setting up a hook for something with clear importance (B wanting to be present and the church investigating) and following through by showing how that changes what happens. As a result, I was pretty engaged here. Would love to see this structure used more for other chapters!

The main point I was thinking about during this submission is the setting. I think we need a bit more info on the power dynamics between the church, corporations, and EU and how that all pertains to A. And I think even more importantly, we need a sense that the setting is dynamic and has stakes. Where are the areas where things could change on Mars, get better or worse, and how do the characters deal with that? I think R’s dialogue here is a good start, and frankly I think his perspective on the situation is more interesting than A’s. I think the slur here is actually a great choice for showing how bitter and humorously dry he is about the whole situation. 

As I go:

Pg 2. B wanting to be present is good setup. Could we start the chapter here?

Pg 3. The church showing up is also a good hook, though I don’t think we need a whole page explaining it. I think it’s more important to establish what happens if the church doesn’t like what they see.

Pg 4. So far it feels like A’s explanations don’t add a lot to the story. They often tell us what we already know, and often feel oversimplified (though I don’t have an issue with the accuracy of this one in particular)

Pg 5. I think we need more on church (not necessarily here, maybe earlier), about what they can do and why they can do it. Could A’s ties to the EU help her out here? What does that have to say about the setting as a whole?

Pg 7. R’s dialogue here is doing a good job of fleshing out the setting and how people feel about it. This is the kind of thing I was talking about with the previous comment.

Pg 9. This is a good moment for A. I think it's a good choice not to have a hothead ruin it as mentioned because everyone coming together and making the best of a less than ideal situation is a great way to lead into feelings of community. 

[Paul SB]

Your response here reminded me of a story theory book I read a few years ago. There were a couple chapters about writing scenes that I think are what you are taking about, though in a lot of detail. I took notes on it, mainly because I've had a memory retention problem for a long time. The book is called Structuring Your Novel, by K. M. Weiland. I'll paste in the notes I took for those chapters so you can take a look. I might need to print it out and staple it to my forehead so it's right in front of me when I write. Hopefully this isn't a copyright violation ...

 

Chapter 14:

• Scenes have three building blocks: a hook to begin with, a development in the middle, and a climax at the end
• Establish a goal for the character for the specific scene. Make sure it reflects on the entire story goal. You must know the purpose of the scene
• Establish a conflict for the character for the specific scene. Make sure it arises organically from the scene goal. It doesn’t have to be anything in particular
• Make sure the conflict ends. Sometimes to get the plot going the protagonist will get what they want but for most scenes, the conflict does not end in their favor
• To create meaningful and effective scenes, you first want to ask yourself about how the scene moves the plot forward, how it builds from the previous scene, and how it leads into the following scene. Then ask yourself about where the conflict is. Finally, ask yourself about what’s under the surface of the scene. The subtext allows the scene to be a lot more powerful. Choose your setting, dialogue and narrative with care.
• If you have to write a low key scene, make sure that readers understand that more is at play than just what they see on the surface. Also keep the characters in motion as they talk so that they can advance the plot, if not at least look interesting. The readers won’t get bored of that in time for the scene to end
• If a scene you’re writing feels boring, maybe it’s because your characters aren’t moving. Try closing your eyes and envisioning the scene in your head

Chapter 15:

• Your scene goals are essentially your story dominos. If a goal is out of place then the line of dominos stops awkwardly
• Overarching goals do not negate the need for scene goals. Partial goals are goals that will take place over several scenes but do not substitute scene goals and especially not overarching goals. Everything is intertwined
• The contrast between protagonists and antagonists is only powerful when there are similarities for them to be compared to as well
• The most important similarity that you can create between your protagonist and antagonist is their primary goal. They reflect each other, ultimately. If their personalities and values are similar then that’s even better. It’s like you’re highlighting who the protagonist could become if they give in to their flaws with the antagonist
• Five common goal categories are: 1) Something concrete, 2) Something incorporeal, 3) Escape from something physical, 4) Escape from something mental, 5) Escape from something emotional
• Some common tactics include: 1) Seeking info, 2) Hiding info, 3) Hiding self, 4) Hiding someone else, 5) Confronting someone else, 6) Repairing or destroying physical objects
• Ask yourself the following questions once you’ve identified your scene goals: 1) Does the goal make sense with the overall plot? 2) Is the goal inherent to the overall plot? 3) Will the goal’s complication/resolution lead to a new goal/conflict/ disaster? 4) If the goal is mental/emotional can it have a physical manifestation? 5) Does the success or failure of the goal affect the scene's narrator?

[Verdance he/him]

Is there any way I could get the earlier chapters to read through before I open up like, chapter seventeen or something?

[Paul SB]

I could email them to you, if I had your email address. Normally when we post a chapter it goes to one address and that distributes it to everyone who's registered, so if you just joined the group everything after now will go to you, but I don't know if there's a way to get the older submissions.