Paul SB - Incompatible, sub15 - 3459 words

[Paul SB]

A gets more scapes to hide, but the aliens finally show up to evacuate them. Ch's wife brings the orphan and stays to make sure the orphan will be able to live with A on Mars. Some of the descriptions of the abused slaves get pretty uncomfortable, though I'm not sure if a trigger warning is called for as it isn't actually shown in any detail. A big issue for this chapter is if it's simply too long.

[Appol PhD they/he]

Checked through my email and didn't see the submission. Would you mind re-sending it? Thanks!

[Paul SB]

Okay. Did you check the spam filter?

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: In the interest of not repeating points I’ve made about the scenes not justifying their importance to the overall narrative (which I think holds true for this submission as well), I’ll focus on a different angle. I think the story has a good idea of the issues that pop up, but my hangup is that A isn’t really challenged by any of it. There are problems, and the AR basically sweep in and find solutions. I think the fact that we don’t really see her overcome big obstacles is something that’s kept me from being invested in her success throughout the story.

I think this ties into some of the disconnect that Silk and I have been talking about. I believe last week it was mentioned that one of the overarching ideas is that A’s pursuit of romance with R is harmful to her, but we don’t see it actually interfering with her ability to do her job. If A’s dynamic with R gets in the way of her plans (could be taking in D or anything else, and could result from R’s actions or A’s emotional instability), I think the story will feel more cohesive.

As I go:

Pg 1. It’s good to see some of the problems A is managing, which is what I wanted more of since being in charge of this place is a lot on her shoulders. I think the next step is showing how this challenges her, because it still feels a bit easy.

Pg 4. It’s nice to see D again, and the mixed feelings help A feel more complex. I think that could be highlighted in other scenes

Pg 7-8. Feels like we’re getting off topic here

On 3/25/2026 at 3:38 PM, Paul SB said:

Okay. Did you check the spam filter?

I did. Hopefully Silk and the others got it.

[Paul SB]

It sounds like A needs to be more emotional and make more bad choices.

[Appol PhD they/he]

Yeah, I think making bad choices as a result of what's going on between her and R could be a powerful tool. Of course, the tricky thing there is deciding which bad choices she makes and how those flesh her out, which might take multiple attempts. It's something I think is hard to pull off, but for a story like this where the point is how unhealthy the relationship is I think it could be very impactful if done right.

[Paul SB]

I think I had a kind of similar problem with the first story I wrote after I got out of the hospital. It was my first time participating in a writer’s group, and people complained that the protagonist was too passive. He was a prisoner for almost the entire story, so he had to watch and figure things out before he could stage a breakout. It didn’t help that he was a contractor who worked on a military base, so most of the other prisoners were people who had rank and could give orders when the captors weren’t around. What he was doing was very calculating and deliberate, which made sense to me. 
This character is kind of the same. She’s in over her head and doesn’t really know what to do, so she’s taking advantage of any help she can get and playing it by ear. She’s also been through enough crap in her young life that she’s learned to tamp down her feelings. That might be a place where I need to get more Dickensian with her/

[Paul SB]

On 3/27/2026 at 6:03 AM, Appol PhD said:

Yeah, I think making bad choices as a result of what's going on between her and R could be a powerful tool. 

It occurred to me that there was a point where A made a very bad decision along these lines, and since I know how it ends I can say it had serious consequences. In fact, it's what sets off the climactic conflict. Back in Entry 20, the day after she finally meets up with R, she lets R into the Grove before it opened, and in non-public places. That revealed to R what A was doing there under the table. It would have been good, though, for the consequences to get a little foreshadowing. Here's what i did with the last 2 paragraphs:

It would not surprise me if someone came along with ground-penetrating radar in search of minerals or something. “Is there some way to make it harder to detect?”

She nodded slowly. “Yeah, there are materials we could cover the ceiling with, poly-absorbent EM foam. Expensive, but that would make the tunnel virtually invisible to radar.” She read the look on my face perfectly. “I’ll put in a request for it as soon as I get back to the station. It won’t be easy sneaking that much in without being noticed.” She gave my hand a little squeeze, and pulled the hidden door shut behind her. The door clicked shut with a sinking feeling that I had been seriously stupid letting Rachelle in when the place was closed. She probably wouldn’t tell anybody, probably. Unless the was drinking. She could get very truthful, downright cringy TMI, when tipsy