Paul SB - Incompatible, sub11 - 5234 words

[Paul SB]

Hello and thanks for taking an interest. In this submission it's opening day for the Aspen Grove Thirdspace, which now has a slew of employees. A has to explain that because of how isolated they are she's stashed guns in places they can access if necessary. The bigger drama, though, happens when the girlfriend she ran away for in the first place shows up. I hope you enjoy the angst.

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: I think the ideas that are brought up here (A being pulled between her new purpose and her romance with R) are extremely important for the story, and I think it takes A way too long to actually start wrangling with these ideas. Doesn’t mean that R needs to show up earlier necessarily (though I think she could), but so far this is A’s most defining character conflict and we get very little on it between chapter 1 and now. When I mention that many of the past submissions felt unimportant for the overall story, that’s a big reason why.

Now, onto feedback for what’s actually here. Like I said I think A being pulled between her purpose and her love is important, and is absolutely the direction the story should take, and I think we need more on both sides she’s being pulled to. For her purpose, why is a refugee teenager allowed to manage all of this? Why does this feel meaningful in a way that’s personal to her? And on the romance side, the most important aspects to establish are what draws them together and what pushes them apart to create tension in the relationship. We need more on what draws A and R together other than finding each other’s bodies hot, since right now I don’t have a good idea what they see with each other. What’s pushing them apart is better—A is starting to see the issues with R being at the top of the system she hates, but we could use more specifics on how A thinks that will affect the relationship.

As I go:

Pg 1. Who are they worried about breaking in? Guns feel a little extreme but more info on the setting could justify it.

Pg 5. The note about A not knowing how to deal with crowds based on her background is a good one, and I think the story needs more focus on A’s character like this. It’s not ideal to wait until page 5 of a chapter to get an idea of how our protagonist’s traits affect how she approaches the situation the chapter puts her in.

Pg 8. It’s good to get the ball moving again on the relationship, but I think A’s physiological reactions tell us a lot less than one more focused on her emotions. The complexity and substance in what’s been set up about them revolves around the isolation from each other and power disparity, and right now it feels like we’re not getting any of that and just seeing that A is horny.

Pg 10. I think the character conflict here is exactly where it should be (A being pulled between her new goal and old love), but I think both sides need a lot of work. A’s work here has felt too easy and we don’t have much setup on what her and R’s dynamic actually is and how R might react.

Pg 13. What is R actually here for? Presumably it’s more than casual sex.

Pg 15. Can A do both? What’s her hesitation? That R won’t support her if she’s truly independent? This is the key for A’s character conflict, and I think we need a lot more focus on it